Suzy

I am on VACATION!!!! The black bags under my eyes are starting to fade a little. So far, I’ve read a lot, spent time on the deck, started my Make Merry fic, and played with makeup. I also made a cute little Haunted Mansion diorama today.

Unicorn J was supposed to come up and visit today. Yesterday I remembered that things usually happen, so when I woke up to a phone call that her husband had been coughing badly all night and did I want to reschedule for two weeks? I wasn’t surprised, and was pretty chill about it. I miss seeing her, but it will happen.

Since this was the week Krissy and I were supposed to spend together, we did a video chat Monday and are about to watch Schitt’s Creek together—her first episodes! We’re also watching Hamilton together on Saturday, and each did our makeup Disney Princess style today. She’s Ariel, I’m Cinderella.

Last week was pretty rough. I did end up posting a pic on insta to that effect, and both my manager and Unicorn Ji’s commented encouragingly. GG texted that she’d noticed I was less visible than usual, and was sorry she hadn’t checked in herself. It was sweet. But man, it was bad. I was back to sleeping until 1030, exhausted all the time, blurry eyes, some wooshiness. I think it was allergies (mosquito bites) and a flare, both of which sunk my mood and caused some depression. My mom noticed today that I have more psoriasis in a new place on the back of my neck, and my eyes are blurry again today after a few days of improvement, I don’t approve.

I won my Equality Auction bid, so I have a League of their Own music/ficlet mix coming this fall that both I and the creator are super jazzed about, plus a mood board for one of my fics, and 20 Schitts Creek icons. And I donated to the Black Disability Foundation, which I hadn’t known about but looks like they do great work.

I’ve identified as queer for several years now, and I wore a rainbow bracelet Nearly every day between Nov 2016 and this past March when I came home. I don’t date much (ha ha ha ha ha), and I don’t really have a queer community outside of Autostraddle and a coworker or two. All together, it means that I identify as queer and know I’m queer, but I don’t feel particularly queer? If that makes sense? But spending Pride month here, without my bracelet on, feeling like I had to hide the Pride video I made for work, watching Schitts Creek for the second time and still not saying anything about me—wow, that was hard, and I never expected that. I guess because I am out at work, and never had to watch what I say, it meant a lot more than I realized at the time,

So it was kind of a sad, stressful pride month. I donated money to a bunch of places, especially those assisting Black trans women, and posted things on Insta, and obvs read my usual fics and romances. But we watched the behind the scenes end of series doc for Schitts Creek and it was so lovely and open and validating about how the show helped so many people and families and it just made me sad. I don’t necessarily want to tell them, I guess I just want to be back to my regular life.

But alas, the world is against that plan, with Covid numbers rising so horrifically and dramatically in the US. Even Illinois’s cases are rising after a pretty good few weeks. I imagine things will be catastrophic two weeks after the Fourth of a July weekend.

It overall isn’t too bad here, really. I like the space. I like spending time outside. I like never setting an alarm. I’ve been active on the bike—I’d love to be active walking, too, but at least I have the bike. I need to tot up my June numbers, I know it’s going to be much farther than May’s. I’m chatting with a wide variety of BT and library people, which is helping my mental health.

I miss the public, but I hate the idea of places opening up. We’re letting the public in on July 22. My friend works at Hollywood Studios and I’m so worried for her—she’s been recalled back and the park is set to open In two weeks. I see nightmare stories all around libraries. It’s too early, it’s going to end so badly. Ugh, people.

Time to get ready to introduce Krissy to David, Stevie and Patrick!

Happy Saturday! I got a voicemail from my landlord yesterday saying he was so sorry, but a crew was coming in at 8am today to take down a wall so that the plumbing could get fixed, and please don't hate him. So I've been up for awhile, since they actually got started at 7:45. I don't have much to show for these hours of being awake, but that's okay. I at least took a shower in case fixing the plumbing means no water. Also, hallelujah, maybe my plumbing issues weren't all paranoid anxiety and things will get better? That'd be good news!

On Monday, I need to have a firmly worded conversation with my dear coworker Mr J. J is extremely beloved amongst nannies and small children, and his storytimes have a rabid fanbase. He is also fluently bilingual in Spanish, and offers a Spanish storytime every month. Monday's conversation will be entitled, "Please stop forgetting you have storytimes and giving Miss Suzy a heart attack, omg, please."

So, yeah, who doesn't speak Spanish and did a bilingual Spanish storytime? Hola. A gave me two apps to use, I had another that I love, G gave me a book, I had another I loved, and then I found a video reading of Nino Wrestles the World and quick taught myself some very very easy Spanish Storytime songs. So, we did 5 Little Monkeys and Head Shoulders with Spanish apps, Old MacDonald with Spanish language animals, some counting songs, and a few books. It was hugely chaotic, but honestly, a great deal of fun, even if I was self-conscious about my pronunciations.

Why I was I so self-conscious? The Spanish language Montessotri class present was one reason. (Poor teacher. I was a major disappointment compared to J.) The 50+ kids and 30+ caregivers was another. And then, of course, the caregivers recording me. Definitely that. I am very often recorded and I don't get fussed, but usually I am not making simple errors in my language spoken, ha. It was meant for toddlers and up, but I welcomed babies since my language skills were right on par with theirs. :P

So, it was scary but fun. And then I spent my afternoon ordering books, and I ended the day feeling very accomplished. It was a very good way to end the week, and I need to remember that feeling when I moan and groan about the daily tasks I so often try to ignore. (I really hate ordering my collection. SO MUCH.)

This week, we also did a Postcard Party--kids wrote postcards to elected officials locally, state wide and federally. A few were very lovely, passionate pleas to the president to stop deportation (from kids there with their Latina nanny), a few were thank yous and pleas on behalf of the environment, a few were local to the park district and library board (apparently we need more play food here, ha). There were only four kids, but I was proud of them all. I especially enjoyed the illustration of a senator wielding a sword in protection of health care as his constituents cheered around him. I tried VERY hard to make it non-partisan, but as it turned out, we were all like-minded. So past presidents and nominees got thank you notes too. It's all good.

Today I have a wedding to attend--one of our assistants is getting secretly married in unicorn J's backyard, and half the guest list is our department. I have a new yellow dress to wear, since Harry Potter house colors were encouraged. (Yeah, we're nerds.) Then I work tomorrow, so I am looking forward to Monday.

Last weekend, I went on my second date with A--we saw Baby Driver, which was a really fabulous movie. Creepy characters, with moments of sweetness, great action and an awesome soundtrack. We both really enjoyed it, and she developed a crush on Ansel Elgort, ha. But again, absolutely zero spark. We didn't even hug this time. But we've been texting all week--her still more than me, but I'm slowly getting into it. I need to be honest at some point, and soon. This weekend, I guess.

I was more nervous this time, but not the good nervous--the nervous where I wished I could just go or she'd not show up. I at least looked awesome, though--I even got a random compliment from a woman as I walked over, which is always nice! I think I also went in looking for reasons to confirm the lack of spark, which didn't help. But I also don't feel like she contributed much? So maybe we are both sparkless but enjoying talking? I don't know. It is not an auspicious beginning to dating women, but it does feel like it is a very Suzy way. I am me with all my neuroses and anxieties no matter who I date. :P

I was doing a lot of thinking and examining on Saturday, and I didn't write anything down, and it was all gone by the next day. WHOOPS. I will continue reflecting and see what I remember/what new thoughts emerge.

Here's one thing I am proud of, though--I walked to the store on the Fourth of July, and an old guy sitting in front of the retirement home shouted hello to me. I always say hello to the residents I pass, so I waved. And then the fucker fucking catcalled me. It was gross and disquieting. I debated walking home a different way, but screw that. So I passed him again (both times on the other side of the street) and ignored his hello, because, really? Well, apparently I'm not that good after all and he has way more women that would make me look silly. Thanks for the unsolicited opinion. I got home and called the retirement home, said there was a guy sitting on their property catcalling women and it was not a good look for their establishment. The guy seemed bemused but said they'd take care of it; I think he was front desk staff. But the hell with that, gross old man--I do programs at that building, I bring kids into that building, and I know that building. It's my neighborhood and I will not let that go.

Okay, I have finished my banana smoothie, am crossing my fingers hard that my period doesn't come until Monday, and will do my yoga. I need to buy tissue paper and a card for the wedding, do my nails and get fancy-ish, and stop at the store for guac and chips since it's a potluck and it's too hot to turn on my stove or oven.

Wish me luck.

I am officially purple for the summer. My hair had been quite long, falling below my shoulder blades, and I was excited to get it cut short. The goal was a short, stacked bob that could tuck behind my ears but was by my ear lobes. I showed her this picture. So totally not what I got. I have been seeing her for years, and she knows my tastes well, and she is probably quite used to my "short but not really" and didn't get that I wanted actual short. I like it, I'd actually eyed some similar cuts and I think I can do fun stuff with it, but I'm still disappointed. I wanted drastic. If she'd taken it up another inch or two to make it like Carey Mulligan, I think I'd have been happier. But she was busy and she got started with me half an hour late and I'd already had to push my date back 45 minutes, so I had to leave.

And was still late. But she was super understanding and flexible! The mall was a great first date--we wandered and got lost and explored and sniffed many kinds of tea, and smelled the Lush store at the same time and dashed over, and chatted for awhile when we ran out of mall again. She was very nice, very reserved and introverted and we managed to have even more in common than I'd have thought possible. (Including a mutual love of snow and winter, ha.) Conversation was pretty easy, and I managed to be sparkly, but there wasn't really a spark of any kind. It was fun, and comfortable, but I didn't end up giddy and excited, you know? And I did a lot of the talking and the work. It's hard to picture a lot of time with someone where I'm the more extroverted one. Perhaps she gets sparkly later.

We did discuss a possible second date of going to a theater performance that she'd really loved that sounded super fun, so that's a possibility. And she had an extra ticket to Leslie Odom Jr in August that she offered me and I accepted and maybe I shouldn't have? LOL I don't know. She was like, ignore me if this is weird! But... And I don't have plans that day, but it's an 8:30 outdoor concert over an hour away. And it's in 6 weeks. I feel like I might need to claim a work day.

Oh, hilariously, she was at the Gardens the same day I took I.! I wonder if we saw each other? So funny, I wonder what the odds are. We both got hailed on.

Anxiety wise, I never got as panicked as I previously have. I was stressed over starting my appt late and being late, but I asked my stylist for a time frame and texted A with little trouble. I woke up with huge bags under my eyes, the likes I haven't seen since my last days at Disney World, which I couldn't get rid of even with cold compresses, but just rolled with it, figuring I was doing my best with makeup and a cute outfit. All heads and shoulders above previous reactions. I never even wished I was canceling, that's positive, too.

She texted today while I was at work, so I will respond, but I am a little at a loss of how to proceed. I guess it's worth a second date, but I am settling back into my, "Well, I put myself out there, time to recharge for a few months before trying again" mindset, ha.

But most importantly, I am on vacation and less than 24 hours from having a Krissy here and that is super delightful. I finished half my cleaning this morning, will finish the other half in the morning, and then FUN TIME YAY. <3

Okay, so, no AAGPBL game for us. It was super hot, and the pollen was super high, and I knew that I wouldn't be able to walk and breathe and enjoy it. :( I'm disappointed, but not overly so. I hadn't even really considered my asthma and allergies when I was so excited about playing, but of course that would impact me pretty greatly. I do still hope to drive and see another game, though. Will have to look at the schedule.

So, instead, we hit the mall and read and watched British quiz shows before the Tonys, and it was marvelous. My God, I miss having her around so much. It was really such a fun day. I found a great dress and top at anthro (cute date dress, even, I think, though totally work friendly and retro) and we both bought face stuff at Lush and got tea at Argo--my green tea with ginger and lemonade was the best thing I've had there, and I've loved a lot of things there. We also sat for an hour with our feet in the fountain and chatted. And got sunburned, oops.

Silly, but another sign of my anxiety being manageable: I never would have felt comfortable sitting in the fountain before, honestly. I'd be worried someone would come yell at us, or we'd end up infected with something from the water, etc. (Not so rational!) I still was, but I decided it would be okay, and by the end, there were two other ladies and a kid barefoot in the fountain and I felt even better. And, also, it felt SUPER AMAZING OMG. I've been on a major sensory kick of plants and water lately, it's super soothing to me, and this was just the best ever.

Here's another sign: on Monday, J and I had our first Mr Rogers class of the summer. We were recycling egg cartons as seed planters, and she bought daisies to give to everyone who came. We gave every kid and adult flowers, and had plenty left over, so we walked around the whole library handing them out. everyone in our dept got one, and then we hit all the service desks, then we hit people still in their offices. We had four left, and she'd really wanted to give one to our boss L, who was in a meeting with three others. So we decided to give them a flower intermission--giggling madly, we ducked in, presented them each with flowers and floated out. It was, seriously, the best thing ever, ha. And I was super comfortable doing it, and being silly, and having fun. We decided we need to be flower fairies every month.

Today is supposed to be our first weekly session about building a better world, a nature scavenger hunt through the park. I even bought sunscreen and spray bottles for water, since it's still at least 90. But the forecast now says 80% chance of storms instead of 30%, and the hourly has little storm symbols from 1-10pm. BOOOOOO. Send good vibes that it's clear between 3 and 5!

Sign that I'm still me on meds: I did not do my okc responses, ha. I responded to the WENN fan Monday at lunch, and she just wrote back. Still haven't heard back from the teen librarian, oh, well. I still haven't written back to the fic lady, and now it's been a week. :/ Still doable. I can do it. Maybe I even will.

Tomorrow I go back to the doctor to check on this dosage, and I'm feeling good about it. Anxious that my period is due tomorrow, worried it will hit while driving, so send good vibes there, too. Maybe that will be the next medical thing I take care of.

I've been meaning to write about the date for days, but - well, part of it is that there's nothing really to say.

I was feeling anxious Saturday, so R let me take her to the mall so I could double check I knew where the theater was and hit my happy stores. It totally worked - between Lush (Sacred Truth face mask + Dark Angels sample) and hanging out with her, I got far enough out of my head to relax a lot.

I love the theater, so I dolled myself up - nothing fancy, but skirt, cute shoes, etc. What I wear to work. He got in 20 minutes early, so I went to pick him up. Him, not so much effort - ripped light wash jeans and a ratty frayed t-shirt. Awesome. It did, at least, help me figure out who he reminded me of - Breckin Meyer. And with that outfit, close to Clueless era Breckin.

Anyway, we were not a minute down the road and done with hellos/how are yous, when he says, "Wow, we talked so much on our last date that I don't even have anything else to ask you! We covered everything!" Really? It set the tone for the rest of the night.
I asked him about his trip, his week with his friend, the movie they saw, and we had exhausted those topics by the time we were at the town limits. Oddly, later when he was telling me about every job he's ever had, I got ten times as much info and detail than I did about anything recent. Is that odd? It felt odd.

We got to the theater so early we had time to eat in the lounge, which was good because he hadn't liked the idea of dessert after the show. It was hard getting conversations going (which probably led to the twenty minutes on his past jobs) so I was glad when the doors opened at quarter 'till. I probably could have been more sparkly, but I didn't feel like there was much to play off of. I did try a few times, but we were just off.

Anyway, you guys, the show was amazing. I was so impressed and I just flat out loved it. Super surprising gamble for a tiny conservative theater with mostly elderly patrons, but their risk paid off. I think he liked it okay, at least the black humor of the first act, but he didn't get a lot of the story. I explained a bunch at intermission and he started to connect some dots, but he was pretty restless during act 2. By that point, though, he was super comfortable just reaching over to take my hand (which he had to keep dropping for song applause, heh) so playing with my hand kept him occupied while I was engrossed in the show.

Drive home was interesting. I never did tell him my thoughts on his texting, but we did talk about my dislike of the phone and he volunteered to email nightly instead. Cool. He also asked about my dating speed (slow), we loosely discussed sex (not soon) and then he asked me what I knew about 50 Shades of Grey, why was it so popular and did I like to read erotica or things like the book? (I was slightly taken aback but only missed a beat - When it comes to print books, I tend more towards traditional romance. Totally true. He seemed disappointed. Did he really expect that of all topics to spark a conversation at that point?)

To drop him off, I didn't even have to pull over - he gave me a hug at the red light and hopped out. Which I actually liked. I was surprised, but fine with it. I hadn't really been feeling anything like I had on the second date, and I'm guessing he wasn't either. I haven't heard anything from him since, so I guess it's up to me to send the "Thanks for the fun, but" text. I should have done it days ago, but it was so nice not dodging texts.

I was out sick today - I've been feeling progressively worse since major insomnia Sunday night, even putting my head down for fifteen minutes at work yesterday. I spent most of the day sleeping or dozing to X-Files (Hollywood AD, First Person Shooter, How the Ghosts Stole Christmas, Post-Modern Prometheus, following last night's The Unnatural, all things and half of Hollywood AD) and Xena (so many. But not Lyre Lyre which doesn't stream apparently). I love Aphrodite and, I will admit, Joxer. I am probably going to end up braiding my hair like Gabrielle again, which I inevitably do after a rewatch, and how do I constantly forget how damn good Lucy Lawless is at comedy? So many of these eps involve her playing not-Xena and she is flawless.

And now, despite sleeping most the day, off I go again.

So! I survived Saturday! I more than survived Saturday. I had a ton of fun Saturday, actually, and there has been a lot of texting since.

I gave him my cell number to avoid any cross purposes at the museum, and he jumped excitedly into texting.

Him: Isn't this better than okc messages??
Me: Nope!
Him: You're so fun!

I'm glad he's charmed by my saying no to things, that's useful. ;)

I hit an open thread on Friday and asked for help rewriting my usual pre-date panic scripts. I needed outside thoughts from people who don't know the extent of my panic and deep seated social anxiety. Basically, they reminded me that I should use my breathing exercises and also, I should try to wear myself out with exercise before I headed in. An excellent idea.

It was very easy to wear myself out with exercise when I realized my train left an hour earlier than I thought and I had to run there to get there on time after picking up my holds at the consignment store. (Yes, clothing was more important than the date. It was seriously great clothing. See? If I'd missed the train, I'd have just texted that I'd be late.) But I did make the train! And that meant I had an hour to spare downtown. I browsed anthropologie and the Disney Store and got my favorite tea, all of which helped relax me a great deal. Then I hopped a cab over (there has to be a way to walk, but I wasn't sure where), and was almost there when he texted that his bus was late.

So, more time to relax when I got there - I walked around the lake, took a lot of pictures, finished my tea, talked to the guard about the best place to grab a cab to get back, etc. That helped so much. I hung out on the big grand steps reading an eBook and waiting for him - yes, I sort of wished he wasn't showing up, but not overly much. When he got there, he said I'd looked like the queen of the museum, the steps were like a throne, and he'd wanted to take a picture but thought that'd be creepy. I was mostly thrilled to learn that he totally had boundaries after all, which I'd been nervous about from all the emails, heh.

This is where I get shallow and say that he had his hair done like he does in his profile pic, and it's super cute and way better than the flat way he had the first date. It was an instant, oh you are CUTE reaction. Also, he gives really fabulous hugs.

Ugh, okay, this is basically just going to be a recap of the day. I'm sorry! It was fun!

So we hit the cafe for lunch, except I was nervous (regular nervous! not social anxiety panic!) and fine from my tea and macarons, so he ate and we chatted. (Total opposite of first date, when I ate nachos and he drank some water, ha. One day, we'll sync up.)

He sort of apologized for what he was wearing (is this a thing? Eleven did it, too) and totally complimented my lipstick. Which I find hilarious. I seriously get weekly compliments on the shade, which still blows my mind, but it's always women.

Anyway, blah blah whatever. He's charming and cute, we talked about his vacation this weekend and we got our tickets for two shows and the exhibits. We both sort of geeked out at various things and shared random related sciencey/history stories as we went. The shows were amazing. We joked about the souvenir penny we got from the Universe one and he sort of teased me with it, tapping me with it and stuff. The second show, we got to recline, and that was fun. He started playing with the rings I wear, said it seemed I always had a lot of stories about things, so what were the stories with them? I explained and he thought it was cool.

The big thing there is that he was sort of touchy and it never once bothered me. We were sort of touching looking at a lot of exhibits, his hand on mine or standing really close, and that was fine, I didn't mind him playing with the rings, anything. No flinching. I told R before I left that I was planning to fake being normal and having normal responses, and I think it worked. I actually probably wouldn't have even minded if he'd tried to hold my hand.

He had talked about hopping a cab with me back to my train station, which wasn't far from his line, but we left and there were three of his buses lined up in front of the museum. So it made sense for him to get on that, which meant a sudden and abbreviated goodbye. But I initiated the hug, totally new, and eventually managed to find a cab, which was hard.

Okay, I totally put off opening his texts later that night (and, okay, every time since), but not with real panic, so that's a step up, and also, I have always responded. And he texts me a few times a day, just to say hi, and that is something I am not used to. And not entirely fond of, but mostly because it's new and also I don't have unlimited texts.

So we're going to see Next to Normal and out to dinner in two weeks (I'm going to drive us, it's right by my favorite mall, and I am totally nervous about that, but I also sort of trust him to not be a creep, so I am not panicking? Even through it's the 6pm show and not the 2pm I'd have preferred, too). And he just now texted me, "I wanted to let you know that I definitely like you. I am pretty open about how I feel. I think good communication is important and I wanted you to know before I left for vacation." Well then. Okay.

(I texted back that I also like him and look forward to spending more time with him.)

This is notable because as R pointed out, I am not using him saying that he likes me as a reason to run because there is clearly something wrong with him. Progress! With Eleven, I decided to take things day by day. This time, I think I am trying not to distance myself. I'm crushing on this guy, and I am going to enjoy that and keep pretending that I am normal. Even if we only do these three dates, that will be fine with me, because I am having fun with how it's going. But, I also wouldn't mind it continuing way past that.

Weird.

Also, I spent last night with R and M and her sweet baby watching the VMAs. I loved NSYNC and they looked so happy. We were all sort of giddy and excited, and they didn't tease me a lot about how really excited I was, and I got to snuggle the sleeping baby while doing the Bye Bye Bye dance, and really, there could have been no better way to experience that. (Except maybe if Kate and Oliver and Jennie and Anna were also there, I suppose!! Then it really would have been like 2003, but even better.) I had today off, and spent the day listening to nsync and now Britney. I mean, just look at them. Joy.



In conclusion, boys. <3

So this weekend has not been good, and I'm not 100% sure where it all went so very wrong. Let's catch up on things and see if I can figure it all out.

First, though! I am trying to sell a pair of Elie Tahari flats I bought online that are too small for me. Size 8, originally went for $150, for $50 or a good offer. Check the pic on my blog. I'll consign if I need to, but if one of you wants a pair of super cute shoes, so much the better.

So I went on that fourth date with Eleven, the scavenger hunt at the art museum. It was fun, but I had more fun at the museum than I did with him at the museum. We went to Millennium Park after and it was still just...okay. Decent enough conversation, no great connection, kisses still without any chemistry. I hesitated on emailing him, though, because we did have things in common and it was easy enough to think about hanging out with him again, and it's not like there was anyone else, but I finally did it. He was nice, agreed that he'd felt the same way but sort of hoped it was just him because we just had so much in common and I was "so cute with such great style." Which, ha, pretty much is the best compliment to offer me, so hats off to you, Eleven.

I've gotten a few good okc emails in the last week, and went through and starred a few to come back to. One guy in particular looks pretty awesome, so of course I don't want to even bother emailing him. We'll see where it goes.

I am in the midst of the financial panic that was beginning the last time I posted. The extra paycheck and tax refund didn't help as much as I was expecting. A few weeks ago in therapy, I was talking about how well things were going, things I'd been able to do and how relaxed I was feeling. She's like, that's great! Money, too? And I kind of started to have a panic attack right there as I explained that it was totally going to be fine and everything would be fine and, okay, maybe I'm not quite so fine. That wasn't fun. I'm calling this a month of austerity to see if I can recover a bit. If Mad Men and Who weren't starting their seasons right now, I'd cancel cable. As it stands, that's the game plan for this summer.

So it's hard to even think about going on a date because anything that involves spending money sends me into a tailspin. I'm still bitter I spent $10 on a mic for someone who blew me off, and the $10 I spent on a shampoo I ended up being allergic to is making me stressed and the $10 I spent on a nailpolish that wasn't worth it is driving me nuts - although I think I have someone to sell that to. But I am not at all bitter about spending $15 on a Modcloth Mystery Sale and getting a $150 Steve Madden coat - that was definitely worth it. I'm going to try and go through my closet and look for things to consign, too. I have a Betsey Johnson sundress that is going after I wear it in my pinup photoshoot next month.

Family has also been pretty bad. Dad turned 60 last Monday, and spent the last 6 weeks in a bad mood because of it. He insisted he didn't want anything done, but we know he'd have gotten mad if we didn't, and he'd have gotten upset about celebrating Mom's birthday in June if his didn't get recognized. So we bought him a monocular and some lottery scratch offs and left them on his chair to find in the am. Not wrapped, no cards, no handing over of the presents. Mom woke up to see that he'd moved them to her chair instead, and he didn't scratch anything off by the time I called that night. I recognize that he should celebrate as he sees fit, but he's making it everyone else's problem. He was mean and grumpy all Easter weekend when I was home, which was stressful and awful, and my brother has been picking up on the tension and melting down hard and often. It's terrible.

E always asks what's the worst that can happen when Dad gets like this, and I never know what to say. I don't know. Being angry and mean already happens. Kicking it up to vindictive? I don't know what that would look like. I don't want to know. I know I avoid negative emotions and prefer to avoid them in others; I don't know if that's the worst that can happen (historically, yes), but it feels plenty bad enough to me, enough to make me feel sick when it's like this.

A family friend recommended a therapist they used with their daughter who has significant special needs, including speech, and Dad finally agreed to let her come and talk with Cal. That's kind of astounding to me. Mom says she hopes to get a chance to talk with her, too, and intends for Dad to get involved in family therapy (though he doesn't know that yet). We'll see how it goes, but I am hopeful for at least Cal to work on his anxiety and OCD.

So I've been pretty stressed out since I got home last weekend. Yesterday, I was busy getting ready for a brunch I hosted today. it was good to clean and be productive, but the night went downhill. I was at Target, and wasted the above mentioned $10 on a mic, and also stupidly bought a $15 tank top I didn't need, it just happened to be similar to an outfit I'd wanted to mimic. It is cute, and it is very me, and it wasn't expensive, but ugh. Money. And then buying things for the brunch. I didn't get home until close to 7, and then it was Who, so I started making things after that. Which was just too late for me to start a project, and I should have known that. And then I tried a new way to boil eggs for devilled eggs and it went so very wrong. And I have this thing about not really being able to handle when I don't do something perfectly, especially when it's easy/I've done it before, so that was actually really hard. And then this morning, half of the group didn't come, and the half that came is the half I am way less comfortable with, which really sucked. They came late and left early, but it was still 90 minutes of being useless and uncomfortable. Awesome morning.

Yesterday was also the first really warm day of the year, hitting 70, which was great! I pulled out my capris and it was lovely. Except they don't fit very well, and how is that possible? I don't weigh any more than I did at Disney in December. It's less, even. And yet. So I was just feeling super sad and down after the brunch, and then adding that in, it was rough. I eventually managed to try and do a ballet DVD I'd checked out, because exercise usually helps. Except it was hard and I felt so fat and miserable and basically I was on the floor, stretching and trying not to cry. Not exactly a mood booster! I ended up eating something and felt a little better. I turned on Parks and Recreation on Netflix and tried to zone out, but it didn't work, I was just super obsessive over food and weight. So I turned to my usual ab app, figuring that would make me feel successful and it absolutely didn't. I guess I stretched more than I thought with the DVD, and my every day moves were harder and I didn't do well. UGH.

So, yes. I mean, I guess I can see where the weekend went wrong. The financial stuff has been building, which played into shopping for the brunch today. The food/weight obsession has been building, and played into brunch and spring clothing and money, all at once. I am still socially overwhelmed from the bad experience last weekend at home, which fed into the social stress this weekend. These are pretty much all of my triggers at once. But the end result is still that I feel like a worthless, lonely, fat failure with absolutely no prospect of improvement. I had invited a friend over for Mad Men tonight and I am praying that she blows me off like I am 80% sure she will. Please, please, please.

So as to not make this entirely a downer: I had such fun liveblogging 5 decades of General Hospital last weekend. I loved seeing episodes/stories I'd read about but never seen, and reliving some of my favorites I had seen. I wish Mom had had more fun watching with me (they brought back all the emotions/dreams she'd had when originally watching them, which wasn't fun for her, so I watched a lot solo), but I'm still so glad that SoapNet did the marathon and picked so many good episodes. There are some I wish they'd also put in - things like Robin being returned to Anna after the Chinaman adventure, at least one of Monica's habit of throwing a dish at Alan's head when he cheated on her, etc - but it was a pretty solid run.

I also had a great time going to an Anthropologie Spring Fashion show a few weeks ago with a new friend. She's a lot of fun and we've been squeeing over Lizzie Bennet Diaries, too, which I got her hooked on - she watched the entire run over Easter weekend. It was a worthy ending for Lizzie and Darcy, totally swoony and sweet and awesome. <3

So, totally time for a check in. Past time, even. I haven't quite known what to say or how to say it, or if there's anything to say.

Things have been going pretty well, actually. I haven't been super anxious or depressed, in general, and I am getting things done. I had a nice, quiet long weekend with my parents last week, which was nice. I am gearing up for Meg's wedding this weekend - I googled mapped all of the locations in all permutations, and most of them seemed pretty doable for me. A few made me nervous, so I talked with a few other wedding party ladies and now other people are doing all of my driving! I just have to get from home to the hotel tomorrow and back again Saturday. I had offered to do the driving Thursday, but nope - a local has saved me. Huge relief. Someone is doing my hair and make up, so I really just have to be where I'm supposed to be. Yay.

I very nearly had a bank account flip out this weekend. I was pretty panicked, actually. But I was able to step back, recognize that this happens every March, and know that having a third paycheck this month plus my tax return will make April back to normal. I don't think I've ever been able to recover myself like that, and I am kind of proud of myself. (But I totally should not have taken that as liberty to buy the very cute top at Anthropologie the next day. Bad girl.) (But it really is amazing.)

So I had date #2 with Eleven last week. We went out to dinner, and it was fun. He was interested, conversation never lagged, and it turns out that he grew up one town over from me. He walked me to my car, told me to text when I got home, and went in for a kiss that I turned into a hug, so it landed on my cheek. We've been emailing a little bit over the last week and a half, but not much. He doesn't seem to be much for writing/emailing, which is a departure for me. We'll see.

So, dinner again tonight. We had originally planned Monday, but he was totally game to push back to today. One interesting thing he brought up last time was that he always pays on dates. He fumbled for the word chivalrous, admitting that it had been hiding behind misogynistic. Yep, a little bit. So I was a little surprised that when we talked places for tonight, he suggested sushi. Little pricy. We also talked possibly a movie after, and if I thought that to be likely, I'd insist on getting those tickets. But I don't think it's likely.

But a fourth date might be? If tonight's not terrible? If I don't duck again? I don't know. I'm not thinking that far ahead, even to tonight, deliberately. I'm getting a little freaked out - this is, after all, a record tying third date. A fourth has never been attempted. So not thinking ahead. Just doing. And breathing. Trying to, anyway.

So, just getting through tonight. It's been a long week, and the upcoming wedding stuff, while fun and exciting, will be exhausting too. I can't wait for Sunday, when I have decided I will see no one and do nothing to recover. It will be lovely.

So today is still sad. Jennie and I were up far too late, and then we hung out in the morning. A was still a little lovebug, and we cuddled and played with stickers and read and watched Super Why and it was lovely. I just wish the visit was longer!! I dropped them off at the airport at noon, and had to head into work. I miss them already. :( Why oh why must we live so many states apart?

It's so weird being in my apartment alone. I know Chichi wasn't here all the time, but it's always felt empty when she would go back to my parents' and now it's worse. I still have her bed and water dish out - I don't know what to do with them yet. I can't throw them out yet, but having them be the first thing I see when I walk in is not good. I kept stalling at work, chatting with co-workers and helping them just to avoid my place. I have Friday off this week, and am thinking of a downtown trip to distract myself. Sparkly Argo tea, anthropologie try-ons, new cupcake place, Disney store, etc.

Thank you all for the comments and hugs and support this last week - it means a lot. I also got two flower deliveries today - one came to my apartment, and there's no note. It's a lovely plant with a beautiful butterfly - will someone please 'fess up to being the sender? Big hugs and thanks regardless, but I'd love a name!

The other flowers came from the guy I was kind of seeing a few weeks ago - we're still Facebook friends, so he went to our mutual friend to ask my favorite flower, and had them delivered to work. As mutual friend Meg discovered when I freaked over gmail, I am not a fan of flowers at work, hee. I appreciate the sentiment, but it also feels weird for him to have spent so much money (blue hydrangeas, not exactly in season, and it was apparently a Vera Wang arrangement) when I thought I was clear about not going any farther last week. Of course, when I wrote that I was tired and stressed and I already knew he misunderstood me and thought I wanted to keep emailing, so who knows what email he actually read. Anyway, they are lovely, and the intentions were good even if I ultimately feel kind of uncomfortable.

Anyway, the important bit is - thank you all again for the support. <3

It's time to start thinking about holiday exchanges! I'm torn on what I'm doing this year. I missed the panic last year, so I feel I need something. Yuletide? I'm not sure what fandoms I'm enthusiastic on. Glee? I'm tempted by kb_holidays, for Kurt/Blaine, but it feels weird doing another single fandom exchange - it's been so long since Sesa. Does this person know what they're doing? I know I can trust the Yuletiders. I could just solicit prompts and write one for a few of you like I did that one insane year I did three stories (friends, Yuletide and Sesa). Geez, do I even remember how to write fluff and/or vanilla anymore?? I better decide soon, though, since KB reg closes Friday. What are you guys doing?

The third date has been survived - I offered staying here to watch something, but he said Lion King, so off we went. That movie was MADE to be 3D - utterly gorgeous. The date was less so. Fun and fine, don't get me wrong, but conversation is often still like pulling teeth. I suggested dinner after, and he agreed, but it turns out he doesn't really eat well in restaurants at night. Fine, but rather awkward when he ordered something, ate none of it, and I had to eat alone (which is a major social anxiety trigger for me, for some reason. My grandfather, uncle and brother have the same problem). Blah.

He must have a personality he's not quite showing off yet, because he showed me pictures of his house and there's blue walls and bright red walls and okay, the bedroom is a boring taupey brown, but there are some colors in there, too. (There is also a distinct lack of clutter, which makes me wonder if my place made him cringe! I definitely have a lot of Things.) Also, I find it amusing/awesome that he does Bob Ross paintings. Bob Ross totally got me through college depression with all his happy little trees and their friends. While I appreciate moving slow, I do kind of think we're headed towards online TV friends. Which is cool, it's always nice to find a sane online TV friend. We are bowling tomorrow, which will officially be the most dates I've had with the same guy, and we'll see where we are after that. Biz thinks he may be waiting for me to make the first move, since I did ask him out first and I'm also doing things like paying for dinner Sunday (I felt guilt over the food issue, and he did get the movie), but, well. That ain't happening. This has been fun and mostly unstressful and I've liked hanging out with him the last, what, 6 weeks? But I think I'm cool with it fizzling, too.

In other news, Chichi's wound is making me sad. I'm glad to have all this snuggling time with her, but I could live without her waking up at 2am every night needing attention. She's still eating, she's still investigating, but yeah. Poor puppy is not well.

In better news, my Jennie girl is visiting in 11 days and she's bringing her utterly adorable baby girl with her. I can't wait for best friend fun and toddler games!! This is the happy getting me through everything. :) I also get to visit my parents this weekend to see their new place. I'm looking forward to it.

My hold on Jane Lynch's autobiography came in today, so I know what I'll be up late reading!