Suzy

Last weekend ended up exhausting and totally awesome. I went to my colleague's wedding, as planned. I got there just before 3pm---and stayed until 10pm. My mother kept texting, How was the wedding? And I kept answering, Still here! And I was actively social--talking and chatting and telling stories and singing Broadway numbers (White Christmas, Sound of Music, etc)and storytime songs with the others, plus lots of comic book and movie debate. I think it would have been perfect if I'd left around 9 instead, when I was still feeling good, rather than at 10, when I'd crossed over into dizzy and nauseous from exhaustion and collapsed right into bed upon returning home, ha. But it was a good day.

It was a lowkey, chill affair in coworker unicorn J's backyard, officiated by her husband. Half the guests were the grooms' friends from college, and the other half of us were from the library, ha. Half the librarians were Hufflepuffs and half were Slytherins, it was great. J and I walked to the liquor store at one point and got several compliments because were were both in yellow, which is not a common sight! And no, no family members of the grooms--there was some resistance from both families, for a variety of reasons, including that my colleague is trans. Families were told after the ceremony and brief honeymoon, so we've all been waiting to post our pics until the okay is given. But we all looked cute, especially the grooms!!

H cried the entire time, which he wasn't expecting. F is a lovely, very relaxed guy who was fun and easy to talk with. Both wore flower crowns and matching silver waistcoats with their bowties being their respective house colors (green for H and blue for F). One of the guests was on a 30s kick and showed up in a 30s skirt suit she had sewed herself and was amazing. I had one drink the entire time, a Lavender Brown special with lavender lemonade and whiskey, and it was utterly delightful.

I spent most of it with library staff, but not even the ones I would have assumed. There was definitely work gossip, as I shared some stories we'd protected parttimers from for years, and A shared current info about our disintegrating IT department. And the aforementioned singing. Really, lovely day.

But then I went from crashing, into work on Sunday. I gave myself Sunday morning off with no expectations, reading with coffee and classical music and coffee, and that helped. I was able to be as on and sparkly as I needed at work, and then did nothing on Monday, too. It was necessary recharging time.

And then I finally sent A the break-off text. She was really sweet about it, said she'd thought that was where I was heading, she was about to do the check in text, and thanked me for initiating the hard conversation. But she also said she was disappointed and sad because she'd really liked me, and she needed to think about the possibility of becoming friends instead. Which in turn made me sad, because I think she would be a good friend, and also I really hate disappointing people and making nice people sad. :(

So, not quite sure what to do now. I guess return to okc? But so many matches live in the city, and that's really just not going to work for me. I need cool ladies in the suburbs. But not the suburb I live and work in, because that sets my privacy/boundary senses tingling. There wsa a bi ladies meet up group that had a meeting at the bar down the street a few times earlier this year, I guess I am hoping that they schedule another one there.

It's hard. I want to put myself out there, but also I don't, and why can't this be easy? LOL I know, life doesn't really work like that. It's okay.

At the wedding, H asked if I had even a flash of wanting to get married during the ceremony. She had, to her surprise. I didn't, really. I was super happy for them. It made me imagine a wedding, but that's really just the big party. I would, at some point, like to have a big party. But not necessarily a marriage.

Field of Dreams is playing in the park next week after work, and I really, really wanted to go to that. But I really wanted someone to go with me to that. My one coworker agreed, but then backed out to see another movie at the planetarium instead. I guess I will try another. It would have been a fun date with someone, though. If only things with A hadn't started a week or two later? Or earlier so I had a chance to meet someone new, ha. Oh, well. We'll see what happens!