Suzy

So this weekend has not been good, and I'm not 100% sure where it all went so very wrong. Let's catch up on things and see if I can figure it all out.

First, though! I am trying to sell a pair of Elie Tahari flats I bought online that are too small for me. Size 8, originally went for $150, for $50 or a good offer. Check the pic on my blog. I'll consign if I need to, but if one of you wants a pair of super cute shoes, so much the better.

So I went on that fourth date with Eleven, the scavenger hunt at the art museum. It was fun, but I had more fun at the museum than I did with him at the museum. We went to Millennium Park after and it was still just...okay. Decent enough conversation, no great connection, kisses still without any chemistry. I hesitated on emailing him, though, because we did have things in common and it was easy enough to think about hanging out with him again, and it's not like there was anyone else, but I finally did it. He was nice, agreed that he'd felt the same way but sort of hoped it was just him because we just had so much in common and I was "so cute with such great style." Which, ha, pretty much is the best compliment to offer me, so hats off to you, Eleven.

I've gotten a few good okc emails in the last week, and went through and starred a few to come back to. One guy in particular looks pretty awesome, so of course I don't want to even bother emailing him. We'll see where it goes.

I am in the midst of the financial panic that was beginning the last time I posted. The extra paycheck and tax refund didn't help as much as I was expecting. A few weeks ago in therapy, I was talking about how well things were going, things I'd been able to do and how relaxed I was feeling. She's like, that's great! Money, too? And I kind of started to have a panic attack right there as I explained that it was totally going to be fine and everything would be fine and, okay, maybe I'm not quite so fine. That wasn't fun. I'm calling this a month of austerity to see if I can recover a bit. If Mad Men and Who weren't starting their seasons right now, I'd cancel cable. As it stands, that's the game plan for this summer.

So it's hard to even think about going on a date because anything that involves spending money sends me into a tailspin. I'm still bitter I spent $10 on a mic for someone who blew me off, and the $10 I spent on a shampoo I ended up being allergic to is making me stressed and the $10 I spent on a nailpolish that wasn't worth it is driving me nuts - although I think I have someone to sell that to. But I am not at all bitter about spending $15 on a Modcloth Mystery Sale and getting a $150 Steve Madden coat - that was definitely worth it. I'm going to try and go through my closet and look for things to consign, too. I have a Betsey Johnson sundress that is going after I wear it in my pinup photoshoot next month.

Family has also been pretty bad. Dad turned 60 last Monday, and spent the last 6 weeks in a bad mood because of it. He insisted he didn't want anything done, but we know he'd have gotten mad if we didn't, and he'd have gotten upset about celebrating Mom's birthday in June if his didn't get recognized. So we bought him a monocular and some lottery scratch offs and left them on his chair to find in the am. Not wrapped, no cards, no handing over of the presents. Mom woke up to see that he'd moved them to her chair instead, and he didn't scratch anything off by the time I called that night. I recognize that he should celebrate as he sees fit, but he's making it everyone else's problem. He was mean and grumpy all Easter weekend when I was home, which was stressful and awful, and my brother has been picking up on the tension and melting down hard and often. It's terrible.

E always asks what's the worst that can happen when Dad gets like this, and I never know what to say. I don't know. Being angry and mean already happens. Kicking it up to vindictive? I don't know what that would look like. I don't want to know. I know I avoid negative emotions and prefer to avoid them in others; I don't know if that's the worst that can happen (historically, yes), but it feels plenty bad enough to me, enough to make me feel sick when it's like this.

A family friend recommended a therapist they used with their daughter who has significant special needs, including speech, and Dad finally agreed to let her come and talk with Cal. That's kind of astounding to me. Mom says she hopes to get a chance to talk with her, too, and intends for Dad to get involved in family therapy (though he doesn't know that yet). We'll see how it goes, but I am hopeful for at least Cal to work on his anxiety and OCD.

So I've been pretty stressed out since I got home last weekend. Yesterday, I was busy getting ready for a brunch I hosted today. it was good to clean and be productive, but the night went downhill. I was at Target, and wasted the above mentioned $10 on a mic, and also stupidly bought a $15 tank top I didn't need, it just happened to be similar to an outfit I'd wanted to mimic. It is cute, and it is very me, and it wasn't expensive, but ugh. Money. And then buying things for the brunch. I didn't get home until close to 7, and then it was Who, so I started making things after that. Which was just too late for me to start a project, and I should have known that. And then I tried a new way to boil eggs for devilled eggs and it went so very wrong. And I have this thing about not really being able to handle when I don't do something perfectly, especially when it's easy/I've done it before, so that was actually really hard. And then this morning, half of the group didn't come, and the half that came is the half I am way less comfortable with, which really sucked. They came late and left early, but it was still 90 minutes of being useless and uncomfortable. Awesome morning.

Yesterday was also the first really warm day of the year, hitting 70, which was great! I pulled out my capris and it was lovely. Except they don't fit very well, and how is that possible? I don't weigh any more than I did at Disney in December. It's less, even. And yet. So I was just feeling super sad and down after the brunch, and then adding that in, it was rough. I eventually managed to try and do a ballet DVD I'd checked out, because exercise usually helps. Except it was hard and I felt so fat and miserable and basically I was on the floor, stretching and trying not to cry. Not exactly a mood booster! I ended up eating something and felt a little better. I turned on Parks and Recreation on Netflix and tried to zone out, but it didn't work, I was just super obsessive over food and weight. So I turned to my usual ab app, figuring that would make me feel successful and it absolutely didn't. I guess I stretched more than I thought with the DVD, and my every day moves were harder and I didn't do well. UGH.

So, yes. I mean, I guess I can see where the weekend went wrong. The financial stuff has been building, which played into shopping for the brunch today. The food/weight obsession has been building, and played into brunch and spring clothing and money, all at once. I am still socially overwhelmed from the bad experience last weekend at home, which fed into the social stress this weekend. These are pretty much all of my triggers at once. But the end result is still that I feel like a worthless, lonely, fat failure with absolutely no prospect of improvement. I had invited a friend over for Mad Men tonight and I am praying that she blows me off like I am 80% sure she will. Please, please, please.

So as to not make this entirely a downer: I had such fun liveblogging 5 decades of General Hospital last weekend. I loved seeing episodes/stories I'd read about but never seen, and reliving some of my favorites I had seen. I wish Mom had had more fun watching with me (they brought back all the emotions/dreams she'd had when originally watching them, which wasn't fun for her, so I watched a lot solo), but I'm still so glad that SoapNet did the marathon and picked so many good episodes. There are some I wish they'd also put in - things like Robin being returned to Anna after the Chinaman adventure, at least one of Monica's habit of throwing a dish at Alan's head when he cheated on her, etc - but it was a pretty solid run.

I also had a great time going to an Anthropologie Spring Fashion show a few weeks ago with a new friend. She's a lot of fun and we've been squeeing over Lizzie Bennet Diaries, too, which I got her hooked on - she watched the entire run over Easter weekend. It was a worthy ending for Lizzie and Darcy, totally swoony and sweet and awesome. <3

Let's talk TV, a subject near and dear to all of our hearts.

I watched USA's White Collar last night. I'd seen the previews, heard the fandom hype, wasn't overly impressed. I only had it on because I'd watched Jack Wagner on Monk and not changed the channel. I loved it! Matt Bomer (Neal the art thief) is adorable, Tim DeKay (Peter the FBI agent) reminds me of Colin Firth, the writing was good and funny and the actors' chemistry was spot on. I actually laughed out loud a few times. I love the premise, the acting, the writing and I can't wait for next week. I'm not surprised that it was nominated for Yuletide before it even aired - I bet it's right up there with Glee as most written fandom. The slash potential is almost unlimited - even Peter and his wife have compared their relationship to Peter and Neal's, and Peter said so to Neal himself. Can't wait to see where this all goes.

General Hospital. Jonathan Jackson is back as Lucky on Tuesday!!!! My mother and I are still over the moon. I posted the promo on my Facebook and she completely geeked out. "How many times have I watched this video?? I swear, three!" (me: How many times did I watch it? WAY MORE THAN THREE.) I know, I know - he still has to say the crap lines they give him. But if they're bringing him back, then they're changing the direction they've been writing Lucky. That's what makes me so excited. I've disliked this Lucky since Greg Vaughan joined - he woke up from the coma, hated Luke immediately, and became a cop within a week. I loathed that arc and I still hate how Lucky just isn't a real Spencer anymore. JJ's Lucky was pure Spencer, with a lot of Laura, and that's what I'm excited to see. Not to mention Becky Herbst+Tyler Chistopher+Jonathan Jackson together again! (JJ + Tony Geary goes without saying.)

That does make me care more about the current storyline with them. Before, let Liz cheat, who can blame her? But now it's going to mean something. Mom thinks that they'll break up L&L, but I say that they simply can't break them up with JJ back. We tried to think of who could comfort Lucky when he finds out, but came up blank. Does anyone have ideas?

It can't be Rebecca - she's already torn between his two brothers. A third would be stupider than usual. Maxie is happy with Spinelli, and they won't make JJ's Lucky a drug addict again. Sam is with Jason. Lulu is his sister. Are there any other age appropriate women on the show? I'd kind of love to see Lucky and Robin because of their shared history and similar family stories, but I love how happy Robin and Patrick are already. There isn't anyone for him but Liz, really.

I've spent the last hour or so watching clips of JJ's Lucky from the 90s....the Nurses' Ball performances, Liz and Lucky meeting for the first time when she was such a bitch, their Valentine's Day vows, and, of course 1998: Lucky asks Liz to be his girl. AWWWW! Remember how they used to dance so much? And he'd write her songs? It was sweet. No domestic abuse, drug additions, mob involvement, etc in this romance. Could a story like that even play these days? :/

Has anyone heard if they're bringing back Laura for sweeps or Christmas? They've mentioned her a few times last week, and I would love to see her with JJ's Lucky again.

Glee still fills me with glee and I'm interested to see where things go. Ken continues to crack me up, and I'm still singing Sweet Caroline.

I never tuned back in to Stargate Universe after the pilot bored me, and I don't miss it.

I'm watching other things, but I guess they aren't making much of an impact. Things happen, I watch them, I move on.

I totally and completely love Johnny and Olivia on GH. They are cute and sweet and the actors have great chemistry. I'm afraid to get attached, though, for fear that Olivia will end up with Sonny and I'll never be able to like her again. Please, Sonny, just die. Please. Fast.

Speaking of GH, are any of the characters aware that Luke was kidnapped by Helena a few months ago? I had such high hopes for an awesome summer storyline where Nik, Lucky, and Ethan (and maybe Lulu) went on the hunt for him and had to deal with their relationships to succeed. Nothing says sibling bonding like summer adventure. (Way better than sibling bonding over who caused the accident that killed their unborn half-brother, which is the sibling story they opted to tell with a different family.)

I love that the show is bringing on good, older, talented female actresses, though. It's great to see Martha Byrne, and I've loved Lisa LoCicero since Loving. Also, the actress who plays Diane, Carolyn Hennesy, is a children's book author, I learned today. Just ordered the third in her series for the library, in fact. She's pretty good - funny, occasionally heavy handed.

I have been knit knit knitting while rewatching S2 Mad Men in preparation for S3 on the 16th. Mom's intended scarf has become an ear warmer due to scratchiness and my winter hat is about 80% done. Also, it looks amazing. Just sayin'.

Anyway, Jezebel cast Mad Men characters with Muppets. Too funny, but the best bit by far is one of the earliest comments depicting a skit where Grover is trying to direct the cast of Mad Men, but they keep giving him Sad Men, Glad Men, Plaid Men, etc etc etc. Brilliant.

In other news, I adore my mother. Yesterday morning, half asleep, she didn't greet me with hello, she greeted me with, "What was Chris from *NSYNC's last name?" Once I got to work, I e-mailed to ask WHY she needed to know this information, and she responded, "had a dream about JC writing a song for a movie. He wasn't sure about the song but it turns out the movie was becoming a huge hit and Oprah loved the song he wrote for the movie and had him on her show. I couldn't remember his name though. I kept thinking Josh but then I knew that was wrong. Well not really wrong but it was because I couldn't remember JC. Heck, in my dream NSYNC was only 4 guys. I completely forgot Lance Bass.
And I couldn't remember Chris' last name.
Weird. I know."

I'm so amused. But poor Lance.

Merry Christmas! I hope all of you had good days - posts have been positive so far, which is awesome to see.

Today wasn't quite as we are used to, but it was nice. Mom ended up running around a bit, instead of her usual day of reading. But she also made sure to take lots and lots of breaks to sit in her new massaging chair cushion. *g*

SoapNet aired a GH Christmas marathon this evening - Christmas eps from 1996, 1998 and 2004. I've just started 1996 and am pure mush. Tom Hardy! Baby Jax and Brenda! Audrey! The old and good credits! Next ep, it's going to be Alan telling the Christmas story for the first time since Steve Hardy died. I loved their holiday episode this year with Spinelli and Maxie (Oh, Filomena, Alan and Monica!), but I missed the annual Christmas story telling. Oh, it's Justice! And the first Emily! And Lila!! Claire Labine GH episodes = totally awesome Christmas gift. Thanks, Soapnet.

I've also watched the Doctor Who Christmas special. I enjoyed it, more than last year but less than the first two. Although one of the last lines...wow. Totally broke my heart.

(NED!!! And Alexis. I'd have preferred Lois, but hey, I loved them too. OH! It's when they first met!!!!!)

Anyway, we did have a nice Christmas and everyone loved their gifts. That doesn't always happen. *g* I'm especially pleased with this awesome red shawl I got which is so comfy and cozy and perfect.

I am also very pleased with the White Christmas Yuletide fic I got!! Betty and Bob, shenanigans, nosy matchmaker Emma who never knows what she's doing, it's just so awesome. Thanks, Yuletide writer!! I'm also really excited that my recipient liked her story. \o/

Oh, Katherine Bell and Mac and wee tiny Robin! Who, okay, is 19, but that's still younger than she is now. Can't wait for her and Patrick's wedding tomorrow.

I should probably get back to Yuletide reading and GH watching and stop spamming with spoilers from 1996. *g*

Except...OH! Tony! with the first real Carly! Felicia and the real Maxie and toddler Georgie not dead! Reggie!! And KEVIN AND LUCY! Oh, I miss Kevin and Lucy. I wish soaps were on DVD - I miss the days when the show was well written.

Ohhhhh...1998=real Lucky! Oh, Jonathan Jackson, you are missed. Stupid lunk of a Lucky these days. And Liz is so pretty and so not horribly obnoxious. And Lulu is a tiny toddler with Nikolas-dark hair. And Nikolas looks exactly like he does now, but is young and sweet and not psychotic, awesome. This is so much fun. (For me, if not for you. ;))

We went to a new used store for books, music and movies. I didn't find any books I wanted, but I did find this treasure, for only 25 cents. JACK WAGNER! An album from 1984, featuring songs he performed on General Hospital. All I Need! Lady of My Heart! Oh, Frisco, I miss you.

Mom and I watched the Daytime Emmy's. I don't have much to say, as very very few ABC stars/shows were nominated, but Genie Francis was beautifully magnificent. I loved her hair, makeup, dress, everything. I love her, I love Laura, I want her back!!! She and Tony (who also looked wonderful) presented together, and man, I love them to pieces. Also, Spinelli was there, and he is adorable out of character. Love!

We saw that Ellen Wheeler is now the exec producer of Guiding Light. How did we not know this?? I am blown away. We loved her as Cindy on AMC, and think it's absolutely marvelous that a former daytime star is now an exec. GL is the show that has been doing incredible community work, lots of fan interactions, and I'm sure that has to do with her. Not to mention, it was the GL clips that caught our eyes as being interesting. We're going to give the show a shot, watch a week or two, see how we like it.

GH had few noms, and none were for writing, directing or best show. GET A CLUE, BRIAN FRONS! THIS SHOW SUCKS!!!! God, get rid of your writers and EP and for heavens sake, GET RID OF THE MOB. Good riddance, Maurice Benard. OLTL was up for best show, and its clip package read like the highlights from an action movie. Seriously, people have not been listening to/watching soaps for 70 years for explosions, mob retaliations, etc. Where is the romance? Where is the characterization? Where is my family? Sigh. I miss loving a soap. I want GH back, very badly, but maybe GL is where I'll end up.

I am beyond thrilled that Nathan Fillion is briefly reprising his role as Joey on OLTL, though. I loved him as Joey, and I love him for coming back for this event. He is awesome.

I have the next two days off. GLEE!!!!

ETA: Now I know why mom and I haven't watched GL before. 9am? Seriously?? We are not awake at 9am! LOL But that's what TIVo is for. I'll record and we'll watch at night. Their podcast system, to listen to the episodes on mp3, is also a very nice option.

We were further discussing it, happy that Brian Gaskill joined the cast (we both loved him as Bobby Warner) and mom said, "I've never been a big Reva and Josh fan, though." My brother, who has the middle name Calahan and first name of Josh, was sitting right there and went, "Ahhhhh!" very indignantly, while pointing to himself. ROTFL Mom reassured him that she was, in fact, a big fan of his. *g*

I love YouTube.

Man, I'd forgotten how much I loved General Hospital. Now I remember rushing home, watching it before I did anything else. I started out searching for Robin and Stone vids, and ended up finding clips from the show. I cried. 11 years later, and I still cried. His memorial service, with Ned suddenly leading the group in singing Amazing Grace, should have been totally cheesy and instead, it gave me chills. God, that was an amazing storyline.

Then I looked for clips from BJ's death. Cried some more. But that led to finding clips of Anna, Duke, Robert and Robin, when Duke and Anna got custody of BJ while Tania was sick. I had forgotten that entirely! (Mom said she had even forgotten that Tania was BJ's mother. *g*) They were incredibly sweet scenes. Actual family scenes together! Eating dinner, playing, talking. It was so cool. And then that led to finding Frisco and Felicia vids. HEEEEE! Lady of My Heart! ALL I NEED! It's my childhood come to life.

Oooh, I should look for some Lucy vids. Lucy and Alan, Lucy and Scotty, Lucy and Kevin, heee!

Anyway, here are some fun ones, for those also wishing to visit better tv times.

BJ and Maxie's heart, set to The Scientist

Frisco and Felicia, up through the second wedding, set to All I Need

Robin's life, set to Bittersweet Symphony. From age 7-now, and how cool is it that it's been the same actress all along? I love Kim.

Robin/Stone, teen angst before AIDS, set to All About Us

Robin/Stone, teen angst before and during AIDS, set to I'll Remember You

Clips from BJ's death

Totally unrelated, but: John Barrowman dancing disco from the Jack and the Beanstalk panto. Much happier than the BJ clips

ETA: OMG, The Nurses Ball!!!! I loved the Nurses Balls.

ETA2: More Nurses Balls!! I have the HUGEST grin on my face right now, watching Mary Mae and the Pips. I loved that skit!! And Luke, and real Lucky! And Mae Mae and Justus. Sigh. Oh! And Jailhouse Rock. I think I literally cried when I taped over the audio cassette I had made of that year's NB. I love love loved that song. Let's see if it lives up to memory. *g* (eta: it totally does, yay!)