Suzy

Yesterday our high was 98, today it was 102. We broke the Chicago heat index high! We hit 116*, it had been 115*, set in 1995. Wheeeeee.

It was also the first day of pumpkin spice lattes at Starbucks and I have no regrets. (I got it iced.)

I slept in the living room last night because my window AC is in there--it was 90 at 10pm when I made the decision, and 90 at 10am when I woke up. I wasn't sleeping super well, lots of waking up, and I was frustrated. (Also the new storytime song that I learned kept playing on a loop in my head and I couldn't make it stop!) But then at some point I fell asleep, deeply, and didn't wake up until 10 and I actually felt NOT TIRED!!! I was so surprised, and so delighted. Also sleeping in there tonight, fingers crossed.

I've been on Adderall the last few days, waiting for my doctor to put in my Vyvanse refill. It super does not work as well for me! Lots of scrolling, running later than planned, etc. I'll pick up my refill tomorrow morning before storytime, which is earlier than I'd like to be anywhere, but is so necessary.

I think I need a Noom break, too. I've been struggling with eating enough generally, and the Adderall really takes away my appetite, which makes it worse. I keep second guessing literally any food I think about. I cannot go through my life only eating plain oats with frozen berries and a tsp of peanut butter.

I'm with my fam for a long weekend, so that should help with food variety and options. And Bingo snuggles make everything better. And so does the jacuzzi, especially if we can go in after dark! The lights are so pretty.

The department is almost entirely empty, which is great. One of our chillers is down, so when there's people in here it gets really warm and humid. I have a spray bottle I keep misting myself with, and I'd be pretty miserable if there were others here.

A teacher who came to my neurodivergence presentation came by tonight to get advice on setting up a classroom library, and I just enjoy her very much. She's adorable, and has this great Scots accent, which she says has toned down! She wants to bring me in to do my presentation for her school, which I'm excited about.

Your Local Epidemiologist, Dr Katelyn Jetelina, has been my guiding light through the pandemic. Earlier this week, she wrote an update about the new variant <: https://yourlocalepidemiologist.substack.com/p/a-new-variant-ba286?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email>that scientists are keeping their eyes on. (We'll see if links post when you post by email, ha.)

Every variant since Omicron has mutated in the expected ladder way, but she said this about this new one: "It has so many changes at once that it seems to come out of nowhere (see Panel B above). The virus likely mutated over time in one immunocompromised individual and then jumped to others."

That's what gets to me--it's immunocompromised people like me who "create" these mutations because they just keep getting reinfected with small changes and then eventually infect someone else with the mutated version. That's terrifying! I don't want that to happen to me and I don't want to pass along a new version to anyone else! Sure it's unlikely, but it has to happen to someone. I am still Novid, knock wood, and I continue to take a lot of precautions.

(Especially now, as test positivity rates increase everywhere. A lot of people I know keep posting that they have it, now including a coworker's daughter. Who is quarantined with a bunch of her friends who also have it!)

I ought to walk around and do the final tidy so I am not scrambling at the five minute to close warning. I really don't want to. I've had my inbox below 20 for a week, and now it's at 29 because I don't have the brain power to deal with anything. Super can't wait for my Vyvanse tomorrow morning!!!

Okay, first I get my meeting prep done for tomorrow, and then I tidy. I can do this!

Last Monday, I started this draft:

So my bad weekend, two weeks back, turned into a bad week. It was pretty discouraging, but I got through it. It was just tiring and sad, and that kind of sad that actually physically hurts. But a day of doing absolutely nothing last Saturday helped me regain some equilibrium.

I had a pretty good day Saturday (thirfting joys = cardigan, spare sheets, fabric for two skirts, and belt all for less than $15) and started myself on smoothies for breakfasts, which are so fun and utterly delightful. But for some reason, I drooped and ended up in bed at 8, after dozing through Doctor Who. wtf? But yesterday was good, waking up early and having a great morning before a pretty good afternoon at work and a nice evening. And then today, I could go to sleep right now. Not so much with the exercise motivation or getting dressed motivation, despite being almost 65* and sunny. That's also discouraging. I am determined to try some new overnight recipes today, though, so we'll see how it goes. There might also be a nap.

And saying that, I totally laid down for about 45 minutes. Felt great, now tired again. So annoying. I went and made the overnight recipes, though, so that's something, and I'm feeling a little better.

I guess there's a few things kind of nagging at me. I'm feeling scattered, still so, this all is, too.

1. So, that rap brunch a few weeks ago. A week ago? The last time I posted. The last thing we discussed, and only briefly, was that it was winding down. Partially from lack of a push forward, partially from one member ditching us without explanation and two others going to spend significant portions of time in Africa and Iran. We came to a tentative agreement, with the suggestion that the June meeting be more of a goodbye thing than anything. And then radio silence. None of the ones who missed sent goals, no one wrote addressing the topic. I wondered, honestly, if everyone had just been discussing it amongst themselves, because most of them are friends outside the group. But I sent an email, framing it around explaining why I hadn't updated the blog, and one person has responded. It's kind of weird to think that the group is going to be done; it was hard, but I always enjoyed the people there and I liked being part of the group. I am sort of feeling like I don't even want to do the final meeting. I think it might be more awkward than anything for me.

So I'm a little sad about that, even as I am looking forward to using what I got from that group with others.

2. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks. Blagh. I like the plans I have set (pin up photoshoot and lunch with Liss the day before, and a fandom sleepover and afternoon tea/consignment store shopping with Meg on Friday/Saturday), but I'm still sort of dreading the annual reminder of everything I've not accomplished. It makes me so sad.

3. We talked about a bunch of things in therapy last week. One line of questions was about our new library director starting in May. I do have some reservations about him, but it also felt weird to talk about it with her, knowing that she's a local who uses the library a lot. But the main point of her questions was that it's potentially a big change at work, and change is never fun for me. It's true. I'm trying to not really focus on it until he's there and we see what it's like, but it is definitely a thing in my head. Work has kind of been like a safe place in my head, and I'm nervous about what is going to happen.

...And now it's a week later. I kept coming back to this draft, but I guess a lot of things are still mixed up in my head. I can't get it straight yet.

This past Friday, I was driving up to my parents' and I was about 40 minutes into the drive when I tried to accelerate and there was resistance - it was revving like crazy, but barely going at all. I turned onto a side street as soon as I could to try and restart and see what was happening. It kept happening, so I had to turn back around, pretty freaked out. And then I realized my speedometer was staying at zero even as I drove about 30pmh. After about ten minutes, it started fluttering up to where it ought to have been, and then eventually worked properly again. I'm pretty worried. I was hoping it was something simple like a lead or something with the vacuum hose, which causes weird idling and accelerating issues, but the car place I called said it sounded like the transmission. Which, no, okay? No. I'm going to call my old place in the morning - the same guy has worked on it all 15 years I've had it, so I am hoping he has other ideas. If only it wasn't half an hour away. :/ But I have less than 70,000 miles on it! How can the transmission be failing? I'm so stressed.

I'm still on my smoothie kick. I think I lost a pound or two on it. I'm trying to focus on how much I enjoy the smoothies, though, and that's the main thing. (Also, almond milk is way better than skim milk, and half the calories! And not dairy, so not allergy aggravating! Good things to learn.) Somehow, I got all twisted up in my body image again. For the past few weeks/months, I've mostly only seen it as something that needs to be fixed and is wrong and bad again. Is it really possible that I undid every bit of good superbetter helped me with, in under a year? I can't think anything positive when I see myself in the mirror or on my blog again, it's all bits I don't like. Why is that? I think I calorie counted too long this past time. I tried to catch myself, but I didn't. I'm back to trying to minimize food and celebrating when I skip or don't want to eat. Now I have to rethink everything again? It makes me sad. Everything is making me sad.

Except the fact that it's finally spring. We hit 75 today, 80 tomorrow, and just check this tree from my lunchtime walk:



Plus the vine. I loved that guy playing the guitar in the park, he was great. And the guy photographing the tree was hilarious - we kept running into each other, and he asked me to take pics of him each time - after setting up the shot and giving me strict instructions on how it should look, hee.

Things I've been thinking about a lot lately:

1. Home. I visited my parents at their new place this weekend. I loved it. I loved the house, I loved them, I loved the weekend. I love my room - what has been dubbed Suzy's Suite (the master area, since they needed their bedroom to be across from my brother's for seeing/talking easily, and they hate big spaces) is actually probably the size of my entire apartment. Huge bedroom, huge bathroom, huge walk in closet. One of the walls is painted this ugly blue accent color, and my mother is actually letting me pick my own accent color for it - this is entirely unheard of. (I'm thinking Brave Purple or Dragon Fruit.) Anyway, I love their little town and the forests and the creek and the view and everything. I felt instantly at home there, and didn't give our old house much thought at all.

So why can I step into their new place and feel at home, and come to my apartment of two years and still rarely feel like it's home? It's just a place. What are they doing right and I am doing wrong? I was happiest here this past winter when I had all my glowy lights up for Christmas, which is part of why I was considering doing a seasonal tree all year, for that happy glow. I need to figure out what I can do to feel more comfortable in my space. Maybe this weekend J and I can put up my pictures, see if that helps? Try to make it more my own.

2. Chichi. My puppy is not well. She is sleepy and somewhat lethargic more and more. Today I took her out at lunch and she couldn't walk...her back legs kept wobbling. I brought her in to redo her bandages, hoping it was just them impeding her, and she was moving a little bit around my apartment. But when I lay her down in the morning, she's still in the same position three hours later at lunch. She's eating, but with a lot of prompting. When I take her out, there are a lot of times she'll just freeze and not walk anywhere.

Maybe this sounds weird, but I sat her down on Sunday and talked with her. I told her I knew she was sick and tired and that she missed Grandpa, and when she was ready to go, she should go. I'd be sad, but I'd be all right.

I was really worried about her this morning, and lunchtime didn't help. Every time I come back home, I'm worried I'm going to find her gone. She's been waking up a lot during the night, which is unusual, but on the flip side, when I wake up and she's not up, I get worried and have to check she's still breathing. She's so still and she doesn't lift her head and look at me when I startle her anymore.

I just want to snuggle her all the time. I hate leaving.

3. Weight loss. After not hearing anything for months, four entirely random people have commented on my weight loss this week. My favorite, just now, was the patron who went, "WHY??" But I've been hearing it from patrons ("Look at your cheekbones!"), people in my apartment building ("Oh, my God, when did you lose so much weight??" with jaw dropped) and co-workers ("You're not going to lose any more weight, are you?"). Then there's my friend who raised her eyebrow and said, "You are still eating, right?"

I've been stressing over it a little, because I had a week or so where I ate too much and badly, and then I had a week or two where I didn't eat enough, and then I started overcompensating for that because I needed calories, however I could get them. I think I'm finally back on an equilibrium, though, and I think I lost a few pounds through it all. I had to go down a size in jeans last week, and instead of feeling good, I felt stressed. Back to the old, "I am not a size 4! Why are you being so MEAN to me, Old Navy? You suck." I still have more to lose, maybe 10-15 pounds, and I'm going to keep up with the dancing, but I think I also need to address my eating habits. I don't eat a lot, and I try to make sure I'm never hungry at the end of the day, but what I eat should be healthier than what it is. Woman cannot survive on peanut butter and agave nectar sandwiches alone. Or even 2/3 meals a day. That needs to be my focus, replacing the weight. (Not that I check it more than once every few months, but I still wonder a lot more.)

4. Boys. The last date with this guy was uninspiring, to say the least. 3 bowling games in under an hour, because there was almost no conversation. It was a fourth date that felt like the first. Since we weren't really connecting on anything other than a fandom level and we'd been talking for six weeks, I wrote him an email saying basically that, goodbye and good luck.

And got back an email saying that okay, he had been treating it more like hanging out than dating, but, among other things: he likes me and I'm beautiful and he hasn't dated much and realizes now that he has social anxiety and is working on it but he never feels nervous about seeing me at all and he really doesn't want to give up.

Well, hell. I totally get all of his issues, because hello, they are my issues, too. But that doesn't change the fact that we're not really connecting - because it's super hard for either of us to do that, ever. Or that it's hard for me to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone to not much effect on his part. R says it's worth one more date, see how it goes with all the cards on the table. I kind of feel like I had my ending point already, and extending it feels awkward. I don't know. I need to think about it, and what I might hope to get from continuing with him. I've been thinking that I would like to find a guy that balances my issues, that does enjoy going out and being social - not someone who gets sick even contemplating going out or meeting with people he's known for years. I don't need my issues reinforced. But he's a nice guy that would probably understand a lot of my social hang ups, too. So one more date or move on, see who's on match these days? I need to figure that out soon.