Suzy

So this weekend has not been good, and I'm not 100% sure where it all went so very wrong. Let's catch up on things and see if I can figure it all out.

First, though! I am trying to sell a pair of Elie Tahari flats I bought online that are too small for me. Size 8, originally went for $150, for $50 or a good offer. Check the pic on my blog. I'll consign if I need to, but if one of you wants a pair of super cute shoes, so much the better.

So I went on that fourth date with Eleven, the scavenger hunt at the art museum. It was fun, but I had more fun at the museum than I did with him at the museum. We went to Millennium Park after and it was still just...okay. Decent enough conversation, no great connection, kisses still without any chemistry. I hesitated on emailing him, though, because we did have things in common and it was easy enough to think about hanging out with him again, and it's not like there was anyone else, but I finally did it. He was nice, agreed that he'd felt the same way but sort of hoped it was just him because we just had so much in common and I was "so cute with such great style." Which, ha, pretty much is the best compliment to offer me, so hats off to you, Eleven.

I've gotten a few good okc emails in the last week, and went through and starred a few to come back to. One guy in particular looks pretty awesome, so of course I don't want to even bother emailing him. We'll see where it goes.

I am in the midst of the financial panic that was beginning the last time I posted. The extra paycheck and tax refund didn't help as much as I was expecting. A few weeks ago in therapy, I was talking about how well things were going, things I'd been able to do and how relaxed I was feeling. She's like, that's great! Money, too? And I kind of started to have a panic attack right there as I explained that it was totally going to be fine and everything would be fine and, okay, maybe I'm not quite so fine. That wasn't fun. I'm calling this a month of austerity to see if I can recover a bit. If Mad Men and Who weren't starting their seasons right now, I'd cancel cable. As it stands, that's the game plan for this summer.

So it's hard to even think about going on a date because anything that involves spending money sends me into a tailspin. I'm still bitter I spent $10 on a mic for someone who blew me off, and the $10 I spent on a shampoo I ended up being allergic to is making me stressed and the $10 I spent on a nailpolish that wasn't worth it is driving me nuts - although I think I have someone to sell that to. But I am not at all bitter about spending $15 on a Modcloth Mystery Sale and getting a $150 Steve Madden coat - that was definitely worth it. I'm going to try and go through my closet and look for things to consign, too. I have a Betsey Johnson sundress that is going after I wear it in my pinup photoshoot next month.

Family has also been pretty bad. Dad turned 60 last Monday, and spent the last 6 weeks in a bad mood because of it. He insisted he didn't want anything done, but we know he'd have gotten mad if we didn't, and he'd have gotten upset about celebrating Mom's birthday in June if his didn't get recognized. So we bought him a monocular and some lottery scratch offs and left them on his chair to find in the am. Not wrapped, no cards, no handing over of the presents. Mom woke up to see that he'd moved them to her chair instead, and he didn't scratch anything off by the time I called that night. I recognize that he should celebrate as he sees fit, but he's making it everyone else's problem. He was mean and grumpy all Easter weekend when I was home, which was stressful and awful, and my brother has been picking up on the tension and melting down hard and often. It's terrible.

E always asks what's the worst that can happen when Dad gets like this, and I never know what to say. I don't know. Being angry and mean already happens. Kicking it up to vindictive? I don't know what that would look like. I don't want to know. I know I avoid negative emotions and prefer to avoid them in others; I don't know if that's the worst that can happen (historically, yes), but it feels plenty bad enough to me, enough to make me feel sick when it's like this.

A family friend recommended a therapist they used with their daughter who has significant special needs, including speech, and Dad finally agreed to let her come and talk with Cal. That's kind of astounding to me. Mom says she hopes to get a chance to talk with her, too, and intends for Dad to get involved in family therapy (though he doesn't know that yet). We'll see how it goes, but I am hopeful for at least Cal to work on his anxiety and OCD.

So I've been pretty stressed out since I got home last weekend. Yesterday, I was busy getting ready for a brunch I hosted today. it was good to clean and be productive, but the night went downhill. I was at Target, and wasted the above mentioned $10 on a mic, and also stupidly bought a $15 tank top I didn't need, it just happened to be similar to an outfit I'd wanted to mimic. It is cute, and it is very me, and it wasn't expensive, but ugh. Money. And then buying things for the brunch. I didn't get home until close to 7, and then it was Who, so I started making things after that. Which was just too late for me to start a project, and I should have known that. And then I tried a new way to boil eggs for devilled eggs and it went so very wrong. And I have this thing about not really being able to handle when I don't do something perfectly, especially when it's easy/I've done it before, so that was actually really hard. And then this morning, half of the group didn't come, and the half that came is the half I am way less comfortable with, which really sucked. They came late and left early, but it was still 90 minutes of being useless and uncomfortable. Awesome morning.

Yesterday was also the first really warm day of the year, hitting 70, which was great! I pulled out my capris and it was lovely. Except they don't fit very well, and how is that possible? I don't weigh any more than I did at Disney in December. It's less, even. And yet. So I was just feeling super sad and down after the brunch, and then adding that in, it was rough. I eventually managed to try and do a ballet DVD I'd checked out, because exercise usually helps. Except it was hard and I felt so fat and miserable and basically I was on the floor, stretching and trying not to cry. Not exactly a mood booster! I ended up eating something and felt a little better. I turned on Parks and Recreation on Netflix and tried to zone out, but it didn't work, I was just super obsessive over food and weight. So I turned to my usual ab app, figuring that would make me feel successful and it absolutely didn't. I guess I stretched more than I thought with the DVD, and my every day moves were harder and I didn't do well. UGH.

So, yes. I mean, I guess I can see where the weekend went wrong. The financial stuff has been building, which played into shopping for the brunch today. The food/weight obsession has been building, and played into brunch and spring clothing and money, all at once. I am still socially overwhelmed from the bad experience last weekend at home, which fed into the social stress this weekend. These are pretty much all of my triggers at once. But the end result is still that I feel like a worthless, lonely, fat failure with absolutely no prospect of improvement. I had invited a friend over for Mad Men tonight and I am praying that she blows me off like I am 80% sure she will. Please, please, please.

So as to not make this entirely a downer: I had such fun liveblogging 5 decades of General Hospital last weekend. I loved seeing episodes/stories I'd read about but never seen, and reliving some of my favorites I had seen. I wish Mom had had more fun watching with me (they brought back all the emotions/dreams she'd had when originally watching them, which wasn't fun for her, so I watched a lot solo), but I'm still so glad that SoapNet did the marathon and picked so many good episodes. There are some I wish they'd also put in - things like Robin being returned to Anna after the Chinaman adventure, at least one of Monica's habit of throwing a dish at Alan's head when he cheated on her, etc - but it was a pretty solid run.

I also had a great time going to an Anthropologie Spring Fashion show a few weeks ago with a new friend. She's a lot of fun and we've been squeeing over Lizzie Bennet Diaries, too, which I got her hooked on - she watched the entire run over Easter weekend. It was a worthy ending for Lizzie and Darcy, totally swoony and sweet and awesome. <3