Lists. Nice, orderly lists.
Oct. 11th, 2011 06:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
suzy_queueThings I've been thinking about a lot lately:
1. Home. I visited my parents at their new place this weekend. I loved it. I loved the house, I loved them, I loved the weekend. I love my room - what has been dubbed Suzy's Suite (the master area, since they needed their bedroom to be across from my brother's for seeing/talking easily, and they hate big spaces) is actually probably the size of my entire apartment. Huge bedroom, huge bathroom, huge walk in closet. One of the walls is painted this ugly blue accent color, and my mother is actually letting me pick my own accent color for it - this is entirely unheard of. (I'm thinking Brave Purple or Dragon Fruit.) Anyway, I love their little town and the forests and the creek and the view and everything. I felt instantly at home there, and didn't give our old house much thought at all.
So why can I step into their new place and feel at home, and come to my apartment of two years and still rarely feel like it's home? It's just a place. What are they doing right and I am doing wrong? I was happiest here this past winter when I had all my glowy lights up for Christmas, which is part of why I was considering doing a seasonal tree all year, for that happy glow. I need to figure out what I can do to feel more comfortable in my space. Maybe this weekend J and I can put up my pictures, see if that helps? Try to make it more my own.
2. Chichi. My puppy is not well. She is sleepy and somewhat lethargic more and more. Today I took her out at lunch and she couldn't walk...her back legs kept wobbling. I brought her in to redo her bandages, hoping it was just them impeding her, and she was moving a little bit around my apartment. But when I lay her down in the morning, she's still in the same position three hours later at lunch. She's eating, but with a lot of prompting. When I take her out, there are a lot of times she'll just freeze and not walk anywhere.
Maybe this sounds weird, but I sat her down on Sunday and talked with her. I told her I knew she was sick and tired and that she missed Grandpa, and when she was ready to go, she should go. I'd be sad, but I'd be all right.
I was really worried about her this morning, and lunchtime didn't help. Every time I come back home, I'm worried I'm going to find her gone. She's been waking up a lot during the night, which is unusual, but on the flip side, when I wake up and she's not up, I get worried and have to check she's still breathing. She's so still and she doesn't lift her head and look at me when I startle her anymore.
I just want to snuggle her all the time. I hate leaving.
3. Weight loss. After not hearing anything for months, four entirely random people have commented on my weight loss this week. My favorite, just now, was the patron who went, "WHY??" But I've been hearing it from patrons ("Look at your cheekbones!"), people in my apartment building ("Oh, my God, when did you lose so much weight??" with jaw dropped) and co-workers ("You're not going to lose any more weight, are you?"). Then there's my friend who raised her eyebrow and said, "You are still eating, right?"
I've been stressing over it a little, because I had a week or so where I ate too much and badly, and then I had a week or two where I didn't eat enough, and then I started overcompensating for that because I needed calories, however I could get them. I think I'm finally back on an equilibrium, though, and I think I lost a few pounds through it all. I had to go down a size in jeans last week, and instead of feeling good, I felt stressed. Back to the old, "I am not a size 4! Why are you being so MEAN to me, Old Navy? You suck." I still have more to lose, maybe 10-15 pounds, and I'm going to keep up with the dancing, but I think I also need to address my eating habits. I don't eat a lot, and I try to make sure I'm never hungry at the end of the day, but what I eat should be healthier than what it is. Woman cannot survive on peanut butter and agave nectar sandwiches alone. Or even 2/3 meals a day. That needs to be my focus, replacing the weight. (Not that I check it more than once every few months, but I still wonder a lot more.)
4. Boys. The last date with this guy was uninspiring, to say the least. 3 bowling games in under an hour, because there was almost no conversation. It was a fourth date that felt like the first. Since we weren't really connecting on anything other than a fandom level and we'd been talking for six weeks, I wrote him an email saying basically that, goodbye and good luck.
And got back an email saying that okay, he had been treating it more like hanging out than dating, but, among other things: he likes me and I'm beautiful and he hasn't dated much and realizes now that he has social anxiety and is working on it but he never feels nervous about seeing me at all and he really doesn't want to give up.
Well, hell. I totally get all of his issues, because hello, they are my issues, too. But that doesn't change the fact that we're not really connecting - because it's super hard for either of us to do that, ever. Or that it's hard for me to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone to not much effect on his part. R says it's worth one more date, see how it goes with all the cards on the table. I kind of feel like I had my ending point already, and extending it feels awkward. I don't know. I need to think about it, and what I might hope to get from continuing with him. I've been thinking that I would like to find a guy that balances my issues, that does enjoy going out and being social - not someone who gets sick even contemplating going out or meeting with people he's known for years. I don't need my issues reinforced. But he's a nice guy that would probably understand a lot of my social hang ups, too. So one more date or move on, see who's on match these days? I need to figure that out soon.
1. Home. I visited my parents at their new place this weekend. I loved it. I loved the house, I loved them, I loved the weekend. I love my room - what has been dubbed Suzy's Suite (the master area, since they needed their bedroom to be across from my brother's for seeing/talking easily, and they hate big spaces) is actually probably the size of my entire apartment. Huge bedroom, huge bathroom, huge walk in closet. One of the walls is painted this ugly blue accent color, and my mother is actually letting me pick my own accent color for it - this is entirely unheard of. (I'm thinking Brave Purple or Dragon Fruit.) Anyway, I love their little town and the forests and the creek and the view and everything. I felt instantly at home there, and didn't give our old house much thought at all.
So why can I step into their new place and feel at home, and come to my apartment of two years and still rarely feel like it's home? It's just a place. What are they doing right and I am doing wrong? I was happiest here this past winter when I had all my glowy lights up for Christmas, which is part of why I was considering doing a seasonal tree all year, for that happy glow. I need to figure out what I can do to feel more comfortable in my space. Maybe this weekend J and I can put up my pictures, see if that helps? Try to make it more my own.
2. Chichi. My puppy is not well. She is sleepy and somewhat lethargic more and more. Today I took her out at lunch and she couldn't walk...her back legs kept wobbling. I brought her in to redo her bandages, hoping it was just them impeding her, and she was moving a little bit around my apartment. But when I lay her down in the morning, she's still in the same position three hours later at lunch. She's eating, but with a lot of prompting. When I take her out, there are a lot of times she'll just freeze and not walk anywhere.
Maybe this sounds weird, but I sat her down on Sunday and talked with her. I told her I knew she was sick and tired and that she missed Grandpa, and when she was ready to go, she should go. I'd be sad, but I'd be all right.
I was really worried about her this morning, and lunchtime didn't help. Every time I come back home, I'm worried I'm going to find her gone. She's been waking up a lot during the night, which is unusual, but on the flip side, when I wake up and she's not up, I get worried and have to check she's still breathing. She's so still and she doesn't lift her head and look at me when I startle her anymore.
I just want to snuggle her all the time. I hate leaving.
3. Weight loss. After not hearing anything for months, four entirely random people have commented on my weight loss this week. My favorite, just now, was the patron who went, "WHY??" But I've been hearing it from patrons ("Look at your cheekbones!"), people in my apartment building ("Oh, my God, when did you lose so much weight??" with jaw dropped) and co-workers ("You're not going to lose any more weight, are you?"). Then there's my friend who raised her eyebrow and said, "You are still eating, right?"
I've been stressing over it a little, because I had a week or so where I ate too much and badly, and then I had a week or two where I didn't eat enough, and then I started overcompensating for that because I needed calories, however I could get them. I think I'm finally back on an equilibrium, though, and I think I lost a few pounds through it all. I had to go down a size in jeans last week, and instead of feeling good, I felt stressed. Back to the old, "I am not a size 4! Why are you being so MEAN to me, Old Navy? You suck." I still have more to lose, maybe 10-15 pounds, and I'm going to keep up with the dancing, but I think I also need to address my eating habits. I don't eat a lot, and I try to make sure I'm never hungry at the end of the day, but what I eat should be healthier than what it is. Woman cannot survive on peanut butter and agave nectar sandwiches alone. Or even 2/3 meals a day. That needs to be my focus, replacing the weight. (Not that I check it more than once every few months, but I still wonder a lot more.)
4. Boys. The last date with this guy was uninspiring, to say the least. 3 bowling games in under an hour, because there was almost no conversation. It was a fourth date that felt like the first. Since we weren't really connecting on anything other than a fandom level and we'd been talking for six weeks, I wrote him an email saying basically that, goodbye and good luck.
And got back an email saying that okay, he had been treating it more like hanging out than dating, but, among other things: he likes me and I'm beautiful and he hasn't dated much and realizes now that he has social anxiety and is working on it but he never feels nervous about seeing me at all and he really doesn't want to give up.
Well, hell. I totally get all of his issues, because hello, they are my issues, too. But that doesn't change the fact that we're not really connecting - because it's super hard for either of us to do that, ever. Or that it's hard for me to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone to not much effect on his part. R says it's worth one more date, see how it goes with all the cards on the table. I kind of feel like I had my ending point already, and extending it feels awkward. I don't know. I need to think about it, and what I might hope to get from continuing with him. I've been thinking that I would like to find a guy that balances my issues, that does enjoy going out and being social - not someone who gets sick even contemplating going out or meeting with people he's known for years. I don't need my issues reinforced. But he's a nice guy that would probably understand a lot of my social hang ups, too. So one more date or move on, see who's on match these days? I need to figure that out soon.
