Suzy

Ugh ugh ugh. I've been saying I need to blog for weeks and weeks, and even now when I'm sitting down with time to do it, I'm not really doing it and trying to find something else to do instead. It's actually causing anxiety. Which probably means there are things I should share (not like, big things! Nothing bad is happening. Just run of the mill anxieties and issues and vulnerabilities, some of which I'm talking about with E). <--- I wrote that two weeks ago and then fled the draft to do work. Let's try starting with fun stuff and see what happens.

Last Friday, I had a Hayley Atwell double feature - my localish cheap theater had both Avengers 2 and Cinderella playing, so I bought tickets to both! Second viewing of Ultron: I think it hung together better this time than on first viewing. The farm scene felt less out of place, but Thor's well still didn't make much sense. And I still don't think Joss Whedon knows how to write Natasha or Steve at all, which is pretty problematic. I find myself glad that the Russos are doing the next two Avengers films.

I was a few minutes into Cinderella when I remembered: I don't LIKE the Cinderella story. It's the cruelty of the stepmother, mostly. But I thought they did such a lovely job. The costuming was incredibly gorgeous, especially at the ball, and it just had the magical look of a Disney film come to life. I adored the stepmother's amazing 40s style - that hair! The dresses! And I also covet the 40s style knit sweaters that the stepsisters were wearing in the final scene.

The Have Courage and Be Kind phrase worked really well, and I thought that they even handled the attraction at first sight angle pretty well - they both demonstrated personality, at least, and it was especially nice to have the king see her kindness and care. I also loved that their world was not all white, something Disney hasn't always done well with, and I loved that the king and Kit were shown to have a loving relationship. How often do you see a grown man hugging and holding his father, like in their final scene? Super lovely, all around.

I also had some sympathy for the stepmother - reminded me a lot of Mrs Bennet's fears for her and her daughters after her husband's death, which reads so ridiculous (made more so by her personality) now but was quite valid. Stepmother's fears were valid, too, but her cruelty was a choice she didn't have to make. I read this great post on Tumblr about Cinderella being the story of surviving abuse, which offered a great perspective, and was something I kept in mind while watching. Why didn't she leave? It went past her desire to keep her promise to her parents, she was emotionally manipulated and still managed to stand up for herself and get out. Good on you, Ella.

Loved The Tonys this year - and it was even more fun to watch knowing I'm going to be in NYC in January and can maybe go see one of the shows nominated. I already have a ticket for Allegiance, which I'm excited for. I'm leaning towards seeing An American in Paris, too - I love dancing so much, and while I also love On the Town, I don't want my familiarity and love for the movie to cloud my theater experience. King & I is one of my mom's top musicals, so I have a lot of memories of watching with her, so Kelli O'Hara's performance gave me chills and made me a little teary. Incredible. But probably out of my price point with her Tony win! Ditto Fun Home - Sydney Jones blew everyone out of the water with Ring of Keys, but super pricy. I might just stick with Allegiance and save my money/time for exploring NYC? Gotta decide soon. I'm going for BroadwayCon, so there will be even more Broadway goes seeing these shows that weekend - need to snap up my tickets soon!

Last summer I tried the Kidlit/YA fic exchange and wrote my favoritest story ever, this summer I think I'm trying the rarepair challenge. I nommed for both, but the kidlit prompts and fandoms are leaving me a little cold. I'd been most excited about writing for Molly the American Girl, but found the letter and wasn't excited by the prompt. There are way more possible fandoms in the rarepair, so I think I'm doing it. Eep? Eep.

I decided to try my hand at Couch to 5K this summer. Running has always been hard for me with my asthma, but it's pretty cheap and it's a very concrete schedule and goal. I need something that is achievable this summer. It also gets me out of my apartment, which is hard for me generally, so this is pretty good. It's been a challenge, but so far, not insurmountable. I went out Monday morning for Week3/Day1, which is 2 repeats of run/walk 90 seconds, run/walk 3 min. It was the first time that I could feel my asthma really kicking in - I was a little dizzy and nauseous. I have an appt this week to get a new inhaler, though, which should be good. I've mostly been doing it after work, and it's mostly going well. Some days it's been less fun because it was harder to breathe, others days have gone so well I did extra running. ("Running"? Shuffling? I somehow think my running/jogging and walking speed are not much different. I do walk fast, though.) I had a fun, upbeat playlist but that was making me go too fast and making my breathing harder, so I switched to swing and big band and that's worked out well. I've been fangirling it up in my On Your Left: Rogers Running Club tank tops, Captain America earbuds (wee little shields!) and everything store in my pink nsync backpack, ha. Any little thing that will make it more fun/make me smile/get me out the door, right??

I don't think I mentioned that my hair has purple in it now. People keep asking if it's for the superhero summer reading program I'm running, but nope - I just like purple hair. LOL The SRP is off to a decent start - our numbers are down, but enthusiasm is up. I'm hoping that I can keep from obsessing over numbers like I did last year, we'll see. I've enjoyed geeking out over superheroes with kids and showing off my fannish jewelry. Work in general is sort of stressy and uncertain, so I like focusing on the fun of the program.

The hair was a birthday present from my parents, and much appreciated. My birthday itself kind of sucked again this year - not as much as last year, but still. I was struggling to find something to do to make it fun, without relying on anyone else, and coming up blank. I eventually decided to leave my parents by noon, drive home, see the Avengers and get my favorite burger for dinner. My mother called that pathetic. Gee, thanks, mom. But despite her comment, I will was feeling good about it. And then came Monday morning, when both my parents went back to bed mid-morning shortly after I woke up, slept until after 12, and they hadn't even given me my presents yet. So not only did I miss the movie, but I didn't even get to spend much time with them. I was pretty frustrated and disappointed. I mean, they knew my schedule, they just didn't care.

At least I figured out that Agent Carter makes great OTR - I listened to three episodes on the drive home. I ended up depressed on the couch for awhile, I tried to watch my favorite movie, Bringing Up Baby, but it wasn't making me feel better. I eventually managed to get up, walked through the consignment store and got myself the burger, at least. I felt better after that, and better still after Jennie and A Skyped me for awhile that evening. It still mostly sucked, though. Next year when it's in the middle of the week and I can do my own schedule for the day and then see my parents in the evening (maybe), it will go better, I think. Last year I started the day with them, too, since my birthday weekend usually coincides with Mother's Day, and it just doesn't work. Part of it is my own brain (I have a hard time breaking down time and do better with earlier plans than later) and part of it is their disregard for my time.

There is also this, and it's not really logical. Earlier this year, my mother cut ties with her mother and sister, and asked me and dad to do the same. We did. (Which is another conversation. Dad was reluctant, but I support it - they are not healthy women and can be actively hurtful to mom, though not me.) We blocked them on FB, and mom blocked their calls, too. I didn't, sort of leaving a line open for an emergency. And since we blocked them on FB, we haven't heard anything from them. Including my birthday. And I know that's not unreasonable, because we cut them first. But my grandmother didn't even try to send a text. And it just sort of feels like my bio dad all over again - I pulled away, and they were fine with it. And I know it's not reasonable to feel bad about it, but I do a little, you know?

There's no good outcome, though. When my stepmom sent me birthday wishes through FB messages, I felt bad and guilty and anxious, and when she stopped, I felt sad and guilty and anxious. If my grandmother had texted, I would have felt anxious and guilty because I support my mother and that comes first. But I'm sad that I meant so little to her? And to my aunt. And my bio dad. I'm sad these people who said they loved me can just stop. But didn't I do that first? It sucks. Family sucks.

Then there's other stuff I'm still figuring out how to write...I didn't like how it came out the first time, I'll try again this week.

The past few weeks, I have been spending a lot of time in stores, trying on clothes and buying new clothes and generally perking up my wardrobe. I have a tendency to hold on to clothes as long as possible, which means that although I have certainly bought clothes since I started losing weight a few years back, I do still mostly wear things from several years ago, especially skirts. It's made clothes shopping something of an adventure these days, because I don't know what sizes to grab. I think I wrote about how Liss and I went shopping a few weeks back, and I tried on what I thought was my normal size, a 10, and she said it was too big and kept going back for a smaller and smaller size until I hit a 4, which was perfect. It was pretty mind boggling.

I commented offhand on my style blog a few weeks ago that I had a tendency to grab 8s and 10s (if not higher - I tried on a bunch of 12s at Anthro in May) even though I have been buying 4s and 6s that fit. And then I thought...why? I was out shopping this week and did the same thing at all the stores. I was just at these stores in July and know those sizes don't fit. It's not like it's fun to try something on and have it look bad and then having to keep going out to get new sizes. It wastes my time and makes me feel like an idiot. So why do I keep doing it?

This is something I've been thinking about for awhile, and it's sparked some research on my part.
( Numbers, links, and issues )

So what have I learned? Comparing myself to individual other women is a recipe for disaster. Comparing myself to a group norm makes sense. I need to get some of my favorite, too big clothes taken in. And I really need to get over my issues of not feeling good enough.

By posting all of this, I hope some of these links might help others like they helped me. And I guess I'm curious as to how others deal with these issues. What works?

Today has been utterly fantastic. Let me list the ways.

1. I had the day off. (I mean, right there, it's good, right?)
2. I actually got things done!
2b. Cleaning things! So Biz and E aren't horrified when they arrive on Wednesday!
2c. I started packing for Media!West!
2d. I finished the damn story I've had clinging to my neck like an albatross for the last three months. Now I have to edit it, but whatever, draft is done.
3. I went to my dance class!
3b. For one move, I was the only one in class who didn't need a correction.
3c. For another, another girl and I got a "Whoo!" for doing it so well.
3d. I actually managed to spin several times without tripping over myself.
3e. I never did run into the wall the entire session.
3f. I signed up for the summer session!
4. Largely thanks to the dance class, I think, I hit a milestone I genuinely never did think would happen. At least partially. (Partially hit it, I mean; I did not partially not think I'd ever hit it.)

One and a half days until Biz and E and Meg and vacation! I can't wait.

It's 38 degrees outside right now and it is PERFECT. Love love love. I went to the (outdoor) mall this afternoon and it was just so invigorating to walk around. I even got to put on my handknit striped scarf, and it was lovely and warm.

While there, I picked up some winter holiday things from Lush - I cannot wait to bathe with Cinders tonight. It's spicy warm and even has some poprock-type things in it to make it sound like a crackling fire. Fabulous.

I walked to the library's Old Time Radio program last night - a group of about 10 performers, old time mics, foley effects, using transcripts of various broadcasts. We heard Halloween shows from My Friend Irma and Baby Snooks - absolutely hysterical! I loved how their voices were perfect, even when they didn't act or look their parts. I kind of think it would be fun to try and join them - they only meet once a month, with at most 3 performances a month. It just looks so much fun.

I've been doing wii fit for the last week, every morning I don't work. (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) I really kind of love it. I unlocked the punching one yesterday and I think it's my favorite so far (although I can't do the advanced yet - they don't break it down slowly enough for me to remember where to step). In the last week, I've lost a pound and definitely toned up a bit. My size 8 jeans fit again. Okay, yes, a little snug, but I couldn't wear them two weeks ago. My body responds so well to physical activity and I just don't know why I can't keep it going!! Hopefully this is going to be a turning point.

Yuletide is starting the brainstorming process, and I'm excited. Nothing has, so far, stood out as something I really want to see or write, but I'm sure something will. It may even, perhaps, be A Thousand Ways to Please A Husband with Bettina's Best Recipes. This was a suggested fandom and I am smitten. I had no idea what to expect when I opened the link, but wow. It's a scanned book from 1917, a cookery book that doesn't limit itself to recipes. Our Bettina is a master of frugality and a paragon of virtue. She instructs all of her friends on the best ways to live and serve men. (Not like that.) (That's for Yuletide.) There's a brand new community for it, and I hope that fanworks are created: bettinas_fandom. Seriously, I love this. I'm currently in November (it chronicles Bettina and Bob's first year of marriage, which began in June) and I can't wait to keep reading. Some of the recipes look great, others are ridiculous and I really do love it. Please read it with me!

I need to redo my look here, but I still love that banner so much. Maybe I'll play with the greens, see if I can make it more autumnal. There's so much that I want to be doing, and do you know what I do instead? I farm my Facebook Farmville farm. Seriously. I am not knitting, I am not writing, I am not playing Sims. I am farming. (Okay, and reading. I am reading a lot.) I need an intervention....as soon as I earn enough money to buy myself a yellow cottage.

My archives class is sucking the enjoyment out of school and my life. I loathe it. It's not that there's a lot of readings or postings, although there certainly is. But she has a set of questions for every single reading that we have to answer. It feels like busy work! Six questions on an eight page chapter? I'm basically reading with the questions in front of me and only reading the bits I need to, because as it is, each set of questions is taking an hour to do. I've never encountered this in a graduate class, or even an undergraduate. I feel like I'm back in high school English. Which I also hated. There's no actual discussion, because we're all so tied up answering the damn questions with the same answers.

Pandora, however, is not sucking enjoyment out of my life. It's nearly balancing the amount that Archives is sucking out, as a matter of fact. I've had my Tchaikovsky channel on all weekend and have managed to spend some $25 on classical music that I fell in love with. According to the musical genome project, I have a deep and abiding love for major key tonalities and tonal harmonies. Who knew? Of course, because this is the way of the world, the pieces I love are invariably not for sale individually but only with an album. Every other work on the album is available by itself, and I will love the one that requires shelling out more money. And, also, they have a tendency to package all of Tchaikovsky's other works with The Nutcracker. I already owned two or three different orchestral versions, and now I own two or three more! Good thing I love it, I guess. But geez.

I do not understand how jeans that I wore when I was 5-10 pounds heavier could not be fitting me well right now. Two pairs! I've been feeling really discouraged with my weight loss and this is very much not helping. None of it really makes sense. I have been losing weight, certainly. I'm at my lowest that I've been in over five years, and less than I was at the start of the summer. Still, I just feel a fairly large sense of failure, which is frustrating. A few weeks ago, I weighed about four pounds less than I do now, for maybe one day, and haven't seen that number since. I want to see that number again, damn it, but the more I want to weigh less, the more I sabotage myself! I need to get back into my zen mindset where I don't think about it and have success. But that's hard.

I've long enjoyed Sarah Rees Brennan's LJ mistful and greatly look forward to her book coming out. In the meantime, one of her short stories, An Old-Fashioned Unicorn's Guide to Courtship got published in an e-zine and it's awesome. It's a fairytale with wit, irony and accountants. And unicorns as chaperons. Go on, you know you want to read!

(Watching the series premiere of House and wow was that the worst representation of a kindergarten classroom and teacher I have ever seen on a television show.)

I decided to try logging into the SOIS system to see if anything had been posted for class next week. And lo and behold, it had! I posted an introduction on the boards for my children's materials class and downloaded syllabi for both classes. Overall, I don't think the workload will be extraordinarily heavy, but there will be a lot (lot lot lot) of reading, especially in the children's class. I think there's a list of 40 books. The assignments are fairly well spread out, and most of them look so cool that I can't wait to get started. That's a good sign. LOL

So, this week, I will buy some folders and print everything out so I can carry them to the library with me. I'll try and find the textbooks I need, and I'll create a schedule of when I will be doing schoolwork, etc. I plan to spend a lot of time at my local library. <.g> I don't envision getting much work done here at home.

I've been looking at dance classes this evening. I don't think that will work so well, sadly - they run in 8 week blocks, and the next starts Tuesday. Bah. (Each block is $100, so $400 to dance "Jazz Funk" until June, plus shoes and clothes.) So I looked at other things. My options:

Curves: we have one just a few blocks away. I could walk there, do it, walk home and get my hour of exercise in.
Pros: Close by, can go multiple times a week on my schedule.
Cons: Will I go if it's on my own schedule? The circuit is a neat idea, but how self-conscious will I be? Also, the starting fees and monthly fees make it pricey. ($149 + $29-$49/month = avg. $617/year )

Jazzercise: We used to have one that met here in town, but it's not listed on the site. The closest one is a few towns over, straight down my street. There are M/W classes at 9:15 and 5:45.
Pros: M mornings and W evenings work well into my schedule. It's fun.
Cons: Will I really get up? Will I really go after a long day? If I attend twice a week at $8/session, that's $768/year. If I assume that I will actually attend and pay per month, at $36/month, that's $482/year. It's the most reasonable, but will I actually do it?

Decisions, decisions. Anyone have stellar experiences with any of the above? Any recommendations or suggestions?

Bah. What was I thinking? As part of my "look more like Lorelai than Babette" campaign, I devised a battle plan: Use the stationery bike or treadmill during the hour each day I watch Gilmore Girls. Today's skirmish: me vs. the treadmill. I managed 2.01 miles in 1 hour, which isn't bad for day one. Except for the part about the really hot room and my exercise induced asthma. I'm not really sore, except for the fact that it kind of hurts to take a breath and I'm all headachey. And I'm tired. And really want ice cream. But hey - burned 300 calories. Add that to walking around the zoo for an hour today, and it's not too shabby.

But I'm still dizzy and want ice cream and what was I thinking?

Speaking of Gilmore, I can't wait for next week. I've read the write up of the ep so many times I have bits memorized, and I still can't wait to see it all.

On the plus side, I took a lovely cool shower and now smell like pumpkins.
(While searching for that, I fell in love with this (except I do have sensitive skin, rats) and this (because I LOVE the salt body scrub version of this scent) and this (but I already love the lemon of this one with the added bonus of the donation attached). I can't wait to get paychecks again. Ooh, this one looks good, too.