Suzy

Hello, panic, my old friend.

So, last week's date with Eleven went fine. Sushi was yummy. I wasn't as sparkling as I could have been, and he was a little more awkward than he could have been, and it wasn't as great as the second one was. But at least this time, when he sort of (sarcastically?) asked if he could kiss me (more of a, "Would you flip out if I kissed you?"), I let him. So, there's that. Zero sparks, but it was just a little first kiss, so who knows?

Then came my friend's wedding, and I totally took advantage of all that busy-ness to not email back until Monday. (Which, considering that when he emailed late that night, he was all, "So, I totally ate that chocolate they gave us for dessert right before I kissed you, and, um, you're still alive, right?" was probably kind of mean, I could have at least indicated I was, in fact, alive.)

Also, let's pause here to say that paying someone to do my hair and make up for the wedding was the BEST THING EVER. I will never look so gorgeous again. Check it - I was so loathe to take off the make up, I did a little photoshoot before I took it off that night, hee. And my hair stayed lovely and curly all through the next day! Seriously, I have got to learn how to do this to myself. There was contouring and eyeliner and numerous shadows, and while I will never line my waterline again, I will demand to be taught how to do something equally awesome. So impressed, seriously.

While we're paused, I will say that the wedding was so lovely and I had such a fun time at the reception, totally staying on the dance floor until the very end. And I'm so glad I was able to ask another bridesmaid and the matron of honor for rides to all the places I needed to be, which eased my anxiety so much and let me feel really part of the group. I really liked them a lot, and I'm especially excited that the MoH and I have plans to go to an anthropologie fashion show in two weeks, too!

Anyway! So I got back home Saturday, drove out to see Audra McDonald in concert with a friend (so wonderful) and then slept for 12 hours and lazed about on Sunday to recover. I kind of meant to email him back then, but didn't. And when I sat down to actually finally write back Monday afternoon, I was just hit with a total wave of panic. Like, overwhelming panic that only receded when I closed the email. But I breathed through it, and wrote the email that night instead. Good stuff. He suggested a museum, drinks, something else. We'd both agreed that we really needed to do something that *wasn't* dinner, and I had seen on Groupon that the company that did the scavenger hunt through the Met that KC and I did last year was on sale for Chicago options. They had the Art Institute listed on their site, so I suggested that - I like that I can get there independently, and he was totally down for it.

So far, all fine. Few moments of panic here and there, but I am working through it. One thing that kind of bugs me is that he's evidentally not a writer, and that's how I am most comfortable getting to know people. So his short emails are kind of offputting. (One weird thing is that he's talked about his roommate before, I know she's a woman, and he insists on referring to her as "her" in person and "they" in email. "I took the roommate to the hospital. They'll be fine." And when I wrote back, "Oh, I'm glad she's alright," he just went on to tell another story where "they" said this. Um, what? So weird!)

But then today, I got a little cranky. (My poor desk partner. I mean, she's been asking about him all this time, but I got grumpy and spilled all the reasons why.) So he still insists on wanting to pay for everything, and said that the Groupon didn't list the AI and the website link wasn't working, did I know of another link so he could buy the tickets? So I emailed the company, got it all straightened, bought the tickets myself and emailed him that we were set. His entire response, "Look at you, getting the inside scoop and following leads. See you tomorrow." Clearly meaning to be humorous and totally landing on patronizing. Are you going to pat me on the head, too? I don't react well when people do that. Which upped my grump factor on other attempted humor and too-cool-for-school things he's said all along.

So, yeah, probably setting myself up to be looking for reasons to stop seeing him. (Though I think at least some of it is rational, it probably all isn't, if I am objective. But who wants to be objective?) I kind of feel like I hit my wall, maybe. The fact that I made it this far is notable, though. And who knows, maybe he will kind of wow me like he did on the second date. It'll be interesting to see how tomorrow goes - the Met hunt was fun, but I remember there being silly bits, so we'll see if he's too cool for any of that. But either way, at some point, I need to decide if I'm doing this to do it or because I like him. And how far that could go anyway. I'm nervous about tomorrow, I don't really know what to expect from him or me or anything. I don't like not knowing what is expected of me. I really need to get myself into the mindset of having fun, with the scavenger hunt if nothing else. I will look cute, I will smile, I will not flinch away. Anything else is up in the air.