Suzy

So, return of the panic attacks! I think part of it is adrenaline crash, but I'm at the tail end of my dinner break and despite going for a walk outside and practicing my breathing, I can't quite catch a breath and I'm freaking out.

Adrenaline crash = I presented a storytime training today. It went fine, I was organized and knew what I was saying, there were good questions, there was brainstorming. But I know I could have done better, I usually do great in front of groups and have fun with it, but I didn't this time. It never clicked. That's so disappointing. I'm exhausted and sad.

I am frantically trying to finish writing an app review for the school journal, which is due tomorrow. I'm on the polishing portion, so I am doing fine, but I usually get things in days early. But the above presentation took a lot of time, as does a weeding project. Blah. It'll get done, it's just stressful until then.

I am setting up date 2 with the guy from a few weeks ago. He's nice enough, the first date went fine, he's super flirty and I am less thrilled with the cutesy nicknames he uses all the time now, but he's not a bad guy. We're going to the Planetarium and he threw in walking around the lake; apparently there's fun stuff there. I haven't been to the Planetarium in so many years, I have zero recollection of what there is around there. I'm
nervous and uncomfortable going to a new place with a relatively new person, but it's so public so it's fine. Just, irrational. But the panic is also undeniable. I don't think it's more than usual, just sort of exacerbated by the other things going on today.

Let's break this down. Why am I nervous? New place. New places are hard. Flirty guy. Flirty guys who seem to be sort of the hands on type are hard. I can't quite predict what he'll do, but he doesn't seem to pick up as much on my stay away vibes. Which can either be good or bad, I don't know, but it is different, which makes it difficult. Lakeside walk when I don't know the area is hard. Being in a place where I am dependent on public
transportation instead of walking is hard. I'm feeling less control than I prefer to have, basically.

I feel like I need to really just go and fake being friendly and flirty and fun and see what happens, but at the same time, that sounds pretty overwhelming. But then, breathing currently seems overwhelming. My gauge isn't on right now.

I spent all of Tuesday night and Wednesday morning in such a state of anxiety, it was terrible. I could barely breathe, I felt so sick. I tried to watch relaxation videos and had to go to sleep with guided mediation again. Which helped enough to get to sleep, but never really abated things. I think that has thrown me off quite a lot. I think I need to just push through this. It's one afternoon. It's an activity I will likely enjoy. I have Sunday to sleep in and Monday off and I can hide from people and recalibrate myself and choose to never see this guy again. I just need to keep breathing, email him back, set this up and do it.

I know my brain is blowing this up out of proportion, which is frustrating. I am hoping that breaking down my stresses and writing them out will let me see them more reasonably. It's going to be fine, and it's probably even going to be fun. I wish I had the link to the anxiety site I used this week - it was quite cool. I'll link it once I've gotten home, and make sure I keep it in my gmail for easy access. It walks you through calming techniques, helping you break down what the triggers and responses were, etc. Very handy.

(ETA: Relax Online Stress Analysis.)

Okay. Back to the app review.