Suzy

Oh, guys. Let's talk.So, I think I mentioned that I was playing with OKCupid, right? I've been talking with the same three guys for awhile now.

Last weekend, I went out for drinks with Eleven. It started off all right - we were both suitably charming, funny, etc etc. It kind of tapered off, though, and got more awkward as we went on. He was a nice guy, we totally have a lot in common fandom wise and those conversations went all right. I didn't quite like the way he talked about his much younger half-brother ("We don't get along so well. He's that kind of autistic where they lash out a lot and hit people") or his stepmother ("And she's just crazy. I mean, she really is actually crazy...I think she has schizophrenia.") I'm chalking it up to nerves, because a few other things came out kind of weird, too, like when he
kept asking about my dating life the last year or so. And that's not even getting into the time, 2/3 in, when he asked my thoughts on gun control. But the hour and a half went decently fast, there was a nice hug goodbye, and I left okay with the thought of a second date. No red flags, no total turn-offs. No real excitement, but no panic, either.

So we emailed back and forth again, just super short, ascertaining that we both wanted to go out again, and then it was Thursday evening and he said Saturday night was out for him, so why not Friday? And my insta-reaction was NO NO NO NO NO. Super strong and just so immediate. So I freaked out a little bit, and tried to figure out where the nos
came from. Partially because I need time to process/plan, partially because I was worried about driving my car that far after the battery had died the day before (yeah, that was awesome), partially because it's always my reaction? I debated doing it anyway, but I was so stressed that I figured it wasn't a good frame of mind to be in and suggested we push it to this week. And, uh, didn't log into okc all weekend because I've been feeling super avoidy. I went in today and he had a fairly long email, mostly asking what kind of dates I like. And my response is just, sigh.

Then there's J. We've been talking a lot for about 2 weeks now. He works weird nighttime IT schedules. I asked him out for drinks because it's been fun chatting with him, fandom wise and book wise, etc. He was totally in favor of this and said he'd let me know his next daytime work day. His last message was that he doesn't know when that
day will be, so whatever, he's just going to do it whatever day he wants to, so how's Wednesday? I'm kind of taken aback by that, no matter how much he hates his manager. But whatever, at this point I am most likely just looking for reasons to say no, so I'm going to ignore that, I guess. And get him here Wednesday and just see how it goes.
(Read: get it over with.)

And then there's T. I don't even know why we're chatting. I just responded to what he said and we've kept it up. I don't even think I intend to meet him. He's just...there. A constant presence with easy to respond to emails.

So, yeah. I'm feeling done. I do this. I get in there, and start working, and then...I'm just done. It's like I do this only to make sure I can get a date, and then I retire again. Part of it is scheduling (my next three weekends are booked, which means weeknight things, and I don't even really go out with friends during the week. I like my quiet time), part of it is my usual responses. I mean, I would like it if one of these guys was super fun and I got to take him to Meg's wedding (because she said I could, should something pan out!)

Speaking of Meg, I was at her wedding shower on Saturday. I was really nervous about this, way more than the bachelorette, because it was all the groom's family and I didn't know what the structure was going to be like and it was in a new part of Chicago for me. But the drive was super simple, I had a marvelous time, mostly hanging out with her best friend, and I felt so great leaving. Social stuff can be fun! I see this! I'd kind of like to get that feeling back and really try with these dates. And I wish one of these guys kind of inspired me to do that? But I'm just all over meh right now, and I'm not sure how to get that back. I guess by moving forward and doing at least these two last dates. And we'll see where we stand then.