kindmemory, posts by tag: oboo - LiveJournal

The opening of the Dead Sea Scrolls showing at the Art Museum was some time yesterday. I could have tried to get organized and go, but I have no money so I doubt I could get in. Though I guess I could have checked for any free events.

But the powers that be who determine daily activity did not so ordain. There is a pretty narrow path, but most days it just heads to the library, like I have to go there every day until I figure out why. Obviously I do not have internet at home, and this is for me the safe way to interact.

I think there are only 10 patches of the Scrolls. I guess I can really find whatever I want about them online. But it might have been fun to see with friends.

Had a dream about weeds growing up in "my" front yard, though it was sortof Pat D.'s house. They were yellow and pretty agressive and hard to get rid of, the house was newly mine. Or my mom's and the usual crowd lived in it. Looked like Ulla's too. I had decided the answer to the yellow vines was the Giant Sweet Pea vine, which had a violet-red pod, with some darker leaves and tipping.

It seemed it would take over the yellow vine and strangle it, and the sweet pea would be much easier to get rid of if I decided it was taking up space. Plus it looked better.

Pat D. was in the dream; at the end, Patty M. was there like it was her house, and she was asking me about ?__________?, I cannot remember who, a female who I was answering the phone for. I'd say, "she can't come to the phone now, she's at ______________" and whatever the reason I claimed it was, it was a lie, simply for the purpose of not giving out information that wasn't pertinent.

Patty asked me if she was really where she said she was, and I laughed and said that's funny. Because I was also taking calls for Patty and doing the same thing. At work I always used to assume the boss was wherever it was convenient for him to be as long as it sounded plausible. You can't say he's out golfing or decided to go back out for more White Castles or in the bathroom after the White Castles took a wrong turn. It wasn't my business really.

Last night I had to clarify where I was and what I was doing, reading a book, to the inners because someone had started an imaginary conversation with OBOO and he wasn't really there, though what sparked it off was hearing him in the other room, clear his throat or whatever.

For some reason people start lying and imaginary conversations on the inside, I think it's a nervous, scared habit.

Snickerdoodle cookies and crying because I coudn't have more. My parents lived on the lower floor of a house owned by Joe and Joann something-or-other, and my mom made several batches of snickerdoodles. We had some and she sent a batch upstairs. I was crying because I thought we weren't getting all our cookies or I wanted another one. Something like that.

I must have been in the 2-4 range, my youngest bro wasn't born until we moved to the next house. I remember thinking my best friend Diane D. was "lucky--she's five".

I gave my doll that my mom made me by hand, to Diane. This was because I was convinced it was bad because my older brother kept saying it was bad and hung it like a Nazi.

I think I've been living out that scenario forever.

Last week I guess I had a big crisis, looking back at it now I did. Way back in my late teens I had hit my mom. Right after my brother did it several times.  I don't really know why I did it.

All I knew was that I had this idea that I had blown something. I didn't know what I had done. I don't know if it was Liz but this is what I feel. The core, the Original I mean.

I was angry at her, she did a lot of serious things wrong to me. But this opened the door for her to act even worse. So I was angry at myself, opening the door to mess up even more.

I just didn't remember it a lot of the time, there was of course a lot of stuff I didn't know about.

Last month one of us made up a joke about the 8th step, which says "Made a list of all those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. This was our take on it:


That sounds pretty cranky but it was the way I was feeling. I had two names come up, Bob and Barb, people I just couldn't forgive(2 people who don't know each other, related offenses though). For some very serious stuff. And they both came up on the same day, and I just said, I can't. So I opened up my inner ears and heard, "they know not what they do".

So that I guess was right, they did not specifically realize what they were doing. It still seems quite wrong, but ...I did some things that I didn't know were wrong, or didn't intend to do. We all get blinded by various influences in life.

And then came this thing with hitting my mom. Which didn't really help me any, and she..I don't know she really took it badly or took it as permission to use that. Officially my bro had hit her first, my dad before that, but she now says neither of those are true. It was all me. Of course my bro does not admit it now. So I pressed him and he said, you are the violent one, yeah he hit her, but he was a kid when he did that--but he was older than me then. I guess I don't want to argue the legality of it any more. It would just aggravate.

I don't know why it came into focus. I was praying for her to get saved. And the day I did that she left a note on the table asking for a Bible. And honestly I didn't want to give her one. I have several but they are not available due to a weird no-see-em bug attack, they like paper. So they're in plastic bags. My other one I use and I was reluctant to give her that, it's in my backpack. And it was like why didn't she already have one?

Sigh.

 

This morning I had a dream that I was living in the house with my sis, bro and mom, just like now, but we were either older teens or young adults, and mom was younger, she had her short hair like in the 80s or early 90s. She had been on the road, on vacation or business I don't know, but it seems on a train she met this Jerry guy. Who reminds me of her shrink from around that time. But in the dream he was Jewish and very strict with kids.

But though I was suspicious the whole dream that it was ego, he seemed to be a pretty good dad. When my bro and sis said he told them what books to read, I had been pretty trepidatious. I guess I was visiting someone else when he first came to stay or visit.

It was my turn to meet him, and he gave me a copy of a magazine, like one that comes with the New York Times, kind of, but more intellectual? And more meaningful, but still fairly heavy duty. I was told to read the column that discussed newer books, that recommended the best newly published books. I couldnt' find the article though.

He brought his son Sean over, a 5 year old. He was a cute little kid. But I was still suspicious because my mom didn't have a real life reputation for finding decent men. This was a good one, though.

At the end of the dream, there was group therapy, and one of the kids said, "this is my invisible friend", indicating the chair next to him(it did feel like the 'kid' was me, like I was introducing).

I woke up and was lying there and this THING was either expelled out of me, or rushed out. It was a being of light, but it was invisible. I was scared shiteless. Just terrified. But I'm sure it's gone forever.

I remembered at the house I lived in in Mich., where I was about age 7-12, that I said to my mom one time, if something were exactly colored like what was behind it, it would be invisible. She said, mhm. And that is one thing that I always wondered about, why did I ask that question? I can't say how many times I have gone back to that and wondered.

I think my mom was having an affair around that time, thus the idea of getting a new dad. But I've been dreaming a lot about dads lately. New Dad insurance was a SNL skit many years ago.

I read once that seeing a dad in your dreams, your dad, means you need to stand on your own two feet and get things done, not rely on someone else.

Jerry Goldfarb?

When I was a kid, I asked my older bother, who was in first grade at RCC school, what a mortal sin was. He thought about it a second and said, "I don't know". It seemed a year or so later that a venial sin was like stealing someone's pencil, and a mortal sin was killing them. I'm not sure if this was an actual misunderstanding

Then years later, it's when you do what you believe is wrong.

And years later, I kept wondering because I heard condemning voices, warnings etc. Then I heard a talk on it, "The Sin Which Leads To Death". Basically it said if you keep not believing. Not believing God loves you is what it comes down to for me. If God loves me there are certain obligations I need to live up to. But also He has to raise me properly, give me the right advice, give me fair discipline. If someone else messes that up, God has to give me another chance--He said He would.

In Howard Storm's account of his Near Death Experience, he said he was shown a death camp in World War II Germany, where that guards told prisoners to line up to go to the "Angel Maker". The new prisoners thought they were going to a work camp, but in reality were going to the ovens. This, he was told, was the unforgivable sin, to claim God and religion when you are doing what is not loving, to just do what you want and what you know is wrong.

To never turn yourself around and continue to act this way, that does seem like the answer to the question, to lie with all your heart and soul, or just to not care whether you are lying.

I would die and go to heaven if I could quit hearing someone in the system saying or typing "lie" everytime I talk about theology. I assume it's because someone is faking it, saying they know something when they are just repeating after someone else, someone else's feelings.

My mom does that, she seems to be afraid to say what she's really done in life. And I don't want to be like that. I do want to know the truth but the fear that probably keeps my mother from telling the truth and not turning her life around is probably something like whatever is keeping me scared.

I learned things about what people apparently did with the body, and I'm thinking--I did not do that. I don't remember it and ...it wasn't me. Dangit if I don't rmember it, it may have been my body, but I wasn't in it.

But I do wonder if there wasn't just a hole where I was just indifferent, where I didn't care what happened. So folks on the inside just did what they felt like.

We gave older bother a bit of crap last night about him grabbing our stuff all the time. I feel like I'm just nitpicking and...I don't know. Dunno if I'm standing up for myself or cutting him down. But he always makes excuses for stealing my stuff, he always gets away with it because my parents don't care. 

We freaked out when he took our stuff without asking, and someone got triggered really bad with fear and anger. IT's been worse, though.

Sarah was up today, or around, we heard from her. We knew there was a Sarah, but had no identifiers--like George always focuses in on the color yellow, Ben on blue & gold, Hill on stripes--Cospia on . This is what happens when you deny your multiplicity. Sarah seems like one of those people who speak very precisely, like Gina. Gina tends to imitate Liz, do phone calls etc. I think she might be the one who tends to write words wiht the first two letters CApitalized.

There is someone in the system who is anti-Jewish, kept calling someone a kike the other day. Weird. I very much wonder who, as I would like to talk to said person.

There is an elephant layout on display today, we are liking it. That being said we have a new elly icon that Leigh made (or her group). We saved it. Okay, we getting the old santa one packed away, get the elly out.

Happy St. Paddy's anyone reading.

We've been lying in bed, tho' watching movies a lot. We are thinking that Liz naturally tends to be rather thin, but that the rest of us overeat. This could actually be the lesser of two evils. But we do hate being pudgy. Bugger.

Actually sent 2 emails, so we are interacting with the outside world. We've been isolating so much. We did get some answers to who were the most recent splits in Liz's life.

Someone has been giving off some Latin phrases lately, wonder who that is. Liz took Latin in High School, but it was to get away from someone in French class. The person was actually pretty nice, but we were afraid she was uncool. Wrong reason to take Latin, we sucked at it and the instructor said Liz had a bad attitude in general. Anger at the system on the outside was pretty much the cause there.

DREAM: There was a very unusual dream this morning that Liz's older brother said he had decided to accept the principle of "the Program", our 12-step is mainly Al-Anon. He was going on and on, and we very calmly and helpfully we said that sarcasm was definitely thought to be not useful in the Program, definitely contraindicated. He was like, okay, right then, and quit it. How amazing. At that point we were somehow in a new house for Liz's family, and also possibly in a haystack. If that makes any sense.

Then the dream switched to being about astrology. Venus in Liz's chart was in Virgo when she was born, a rather unhappy spot for Venus. It was toward Autumn in the dream, and the planet was about to enter Scorpio or Cancer. Trine or Conjunct the sun, which is good. Though, Venus in Scorpio again isn't at her happiest. In Liz' real chart, it might actually be entering Scorpio soon. The birth chart is supposed to progress one degree for each year. Not sure we really want to know, but whatever. It felt at least comfortable in the dream, and the idea was that from now on somehow life would be somewhat easier, at least rather in the clear. Very strange dream since this is a subject that is on the brain nearly every day, but off the top of the head this is the first dream we remember about it. At least in recent memory.

We went around with Patty doing ...what do you call them? Holy crap it's bad...errands.

We stopped at GoodWill, got a black chenille scarf, an embroidered denim bag for our books, and an VHS copy of The Hobbit, the old 70s Ralph Bakshi cartoon version of it. Feel kinda silly about that last.

Since accessories are half off, the scarf was 1$, the bag 2$ (& the movie 2$, not an accessory!)

We were going through some of the thoughts we'd been having (For a few centuries), of not sending cards, knowing events are coming up but not being prepared for them--like people's birthdays, Christmas, etc.

--And then someone is like, well, it's okay. Lol, they weren't just saying it, we got the reaffirming feeling. I hope we all get to be that relaxed about it all. I still don't get it, and I feel like there is an event around Xmas that must be buried down there, and pulling strings to mess us up so much about it. We did one year completely forget to buy youngest sibling a Christmas gift. This was just unthinkable. I still can't figure out why it happened. I still have the feeling that I cannot get out of that trap, out of doing it again.

It wasn't the money, someone must have been mad at him. I just can't figure out why. It almost must have been legitimate. I guess. WE don't just lie about stuff do we? WE don't just make up reasons to hate people.

This was like 30 years ago and we still don't have the confidence that we can make a list and send everyone a card, or even think of a gift to give them even if we had unlimited funds.

On about Dec. 23rd, we went to a coffee shop that was a little hike away. Liz had promised someone to take them there. We didn't know who. We have been aware (this is Ty) for sometime that there is a Viggo, or at least that we sure could see someone who looked exactly like Viggo Mortensen.

Then on Dec. 27 (Liz thought it was her who had the lucky number 27, it always did (sis) seem like it was lucky for her), but we get this guy come up. And we get some Birthday ideas and ... we just know, we're pretty sure this is the Aragorn soulbond in the system. We are so hung up on Lord of the Rings, it's been an obsession since Liz was 12 or 13 when she first read it. Anyway, the phrase "KEY PLAYER" came up also, pretty loud and clear. This makes sense. We know there are people who have just not made themselves known, who are definitely around and up a lot.

And then the next day or so, we saw a little Hobbit girl face, well, maybe an older girl. She was youngish, but halfway looking like the proportion of Gollum's face. She had a grey ectoplasm covering her mouth, and trailing away from it and connected to it.

Kind of sickening, but this is evidence of overeating, the one who is just honking down the Christmas cookies and whatnot. And ate this whole sausage yesterday morning. It's so sad because we cannot keep enough food in the house sometimes, and she is so thin.

But it's adding layers to the body.

Really we feel it's all emotional eating, feeling trapped since we've been back at home with the older brother (older bother). He's unbelievable, the lying and stealing, the abuse.

Just thinking of him makes us feel hopeless.

well, enough of that.

We had a decent year, actually, Liz realized she is multiple, fully realized. Then basically fell into finding really good therapy. She's had some darned bad therapy before, lots of it. Not for multiplicity.

And she's glad she didn't find her multiplicity with most of the jerks she consulted. They just were not open to the idea she wasn't making herself sick. Gad we feel bitter.

We feel guilty too. We told our friend Patty we got ourselves a 20$ boombox for Christmas. WE have to return it as the lid keeps opening and staying open, is defective. But we didn't feel we could tell her we got a DVD player that was a bit more expensive. WE feel like we're lying. Why can't we be honest? I feel like I could tell my other friends that, why not Patty?