The Unforgivable Sin

When I was a kid, I asked my older bother, who was in first grade at RCC school, what a mortal sin was. He thought about it a second and said, "I don't know". It seemed a year or so later that a venial sin was like stealing someone's pencil, and a mortal sin was killing them. I'm not sure if this was an actual misunderstanding

Then years later, it's when you do what you believe is wrong.

And years later, I kept wondering because I heard condemning voices, warnings etc. Then I heard a talk on it, "The Sin Which Leads To Death". Basically it said if you keep not believing. Not believing God loves you is what it comes down to for me. If God loves me there are certain obligations I need to live up to. But also He has to raise me properly, give me the right advice, give me fair discipline. If someone else messes that up, God has to give me another chance--He said He would.

In Howard Storm's account of his Near Death Experience, he said he was shown a death camp in World War II Germany, where that guards told prisoners to line up to go to the "Angel Maker". The new prisoners thought they were going to a work camp, but in reality were going to the ovens. This, he was told, was the unforgivable sin, to claim God and religion when you are doing what is not loving, to just do what you want and what you know is wrong.

To never turn yourself around and continue to act this way, that does seem like the answer to the question, to lie with all your heart and soul, or just to not care whether you are lying.

I would die and go to heaven if I could quit hearing someone in the system saying or typing "lie" everytime I talk about theology. I assume it's because someone is faking it, saying they know something when they are just repeating after someone else, someone else's feelings.

My mom does that, she seems to be afraid to say what she's really done in life. And I don't want to be like that. I do want to know the truth but the fear that probably keeps my mother from telling the truth and not turning her life around is probably something like whatever is keeping me scared.

I learned things about what people apparently did with the body, and I'm thinking--I did not do that. I don't remember it and ...it wasn't me. Dangit if I don't rmember it, it may have been my body, but I wasn't in it.

But I do wonder if there wasn't just a hole where I was just indifferent, where I didn't care what happened. So folks on the inside just did what they felt like.