Last week I guess I had a big crisis, looking back at it now I did. Way back in my late teens I had hit my mom. Right after my brother did it several times. I don't really know why I did it.
All I knew was that I had this idea that I had blown something. I didn't know what I had done. I don't know if it was Liz but this is what I feel. The core, the Original I mean.
I was angry at her, she did a lot of serious things wrong to me. But this opened the door for her to act even worse. So I was angry at myself, opening the door to mess up even more.
I just didn't remember it a lot of the time, there was of course a lot of stuff I didn't know about.
Last month one of us made up a joke about the 8th step, which says "Made a list of all those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. This was our take on it:
That sounds pretty cranky but it was the way I was feeling. I had two names come up, Bob and Barb, people I just couldn't forgive(2 people who don't know each other, related offenses though). For some very serious stuff. And they both came up on the same day, and I just said, I can't. So I opened up my inner ears and heard, "they know not what they do".
So that I guess was right, they did not specifically realize what they were doing. It still seems quite wrong, but ...I did some things that I didn't know were wrong, or didn't intend to do. We all get blinded by various influences in life.
And then came this thing with hitting my mom. Which didn't really help me any, and she..I don't know she really took it badly or took it as permission to use that. Officially my bro had hit her first, my dad before that, but she now says neither of those are true. It was all me. Of course my bro does not admit it now. So I pressed him and he said, you are the violent one, yeah he hit her, but he was a kid when he did that--but he was older than me then. I guess I don't want to argue the legality of it any more. It would just aggravate.
I don't know why it came into focus. I was praying for her to get saved. And the day I did that she left a note on the table asking for a Bible. And honestly I didn't want to give her one. I have several but they are not available due to a weird no-see-em bug attack, they like paper. So they're in plastic bags. My other one I use and I was reluctant to give her that, it's in my backpack. And it was like why didn't she already have one?
Sigh.
All I knew was that I had this idea that I had blown something. I didn't know what I had done. I don't know if it was Liz but this is what I feel. The core, the Original I mean.
I was angry at her, she did a lot of serious things wrong to me. But this opened the door for her to act even worse. So I was angry at myself, opening the door to mess up even more.
I just didn't remember it a lot of the time, there was of course a lot of stuff I didn't know about.
Last month one of us made up a joke about the 8th step, which says "Made a list of all those we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. This was our take on it:
That sounds pretty cranky but it was the way I was feeling. I had two names come up, Bob and Barb, people I just couldn't forgive(2 people who don't know each other, related offenses though). For some very serious stuff. And they both came up on the same day, and I just said, I can't. So I opened up my inner ears and heard, "they know not what they do".
So that I guess was right, they did not specifically realize what they were doing. It still seems quite wrong, but ...I did some things that I didn't know were wrong, or didn't intend to do. We all get blinded by various influences in life.
And then came this thing with hitting my mom. Which didn't really help me any, and she..I don't know she really took it badly or took it as permission to use that. Officially my bro had hit her first, my dad before that, but she now says neither of those are true. It was all me. Of course my bro does not admit it now. So I pressed him and he said, you are the violent one, yeah he hit her, but he was a kid when he did that--but he was older than me then. I guess I don't want to argue the legality of it any more. It would just aggravate.
I don't know why it came into focus. I was praying for her to get saved. And the day I did that she left a note on the table asking for a Bible. And honestly I didn't want to give her one. I have several but they are not available due to a weird no-see-em bug attack, they like paper. So they're in plastic bags. My other one I use and I was reluctant to give her that, it's in my backpack. And it was like why didn't she already have one?
Sigh.