kindmemory, posts by tag: therapy - LiveJournal

I had a dream about me in a clothing store, buying navy pants and a blouse, or picking them out--like I was getting something free. But there was a pink and white cotton sweater-knit skirt and blouse that was supposed to go with the pants. It had shell buttons (w/ one hole near the edge) and white or opalescent white seed beads all over it, I think a largish checker pattern in pink or white as the knitted pattern. I couldn't even pursue the thought of choosing that, although I liked it. I did think that I should

I left that store or clothes acquisition place, and I guess met  with Francois and she asked me to go to her  place of work and sign in for her and be there in her  place and sign the time sheet for her, sign in and out. I went and I knew all she needed was for someone to sign in and out for her, but I was reluctant to do it, so I just went there and walked around trying to get the courage to go to the desk to sign her in, but trying to figure out how to do it and not be caught but not really wanting to do it.

Later I think I was at Kevin's and was still working there, still interacting with their family. Then Don and Margaret's which is a bit disturbing. They ...I can't remember this part of the dream. Not really disturbing, I guess.

I woke up and thought that knitted skirt and sweater outfit was something only a grandmother would wear. I did just pick out a shirt with shell buttons just lately, at a free store/church clothes closet. But it was raw linen color with blue paisleys, not so bad. And only enough real shell buttons to be useful, not all over the clothes as decoration.

F. is an RN, and one time a certain pastor I knew from RCC had told me I could be a nurse--I said I didn't know what my career should be. That was over the top as far as him telling me what my abilities were, I thought.

But the dream is about me being leery of doing something in a dream that in real life I would never do.

Don & Margaret were there at the end, we were going on a road trip. It seemed to be delayed. I remember we were going on a church trip and the inner folks just messed things up, they were not going, misbehaved the whole trip. I did not even realize then I was an atheist. The church involvement was mostly not customary for me, so I guessed that was it.

I would not buy that outfit or even waste my time taking it home if it were free, no one I know would want it. I would not even sign someone else's name in at a hospital as employee or patient, I don't care for the punishment. I am kind of glad for going on the church trip for things I learned, but I felt like I was going along with them pretending to want to be an evangelist as they were. But I wanted to learn.

It was about me trying to keep up with what seemed to be expected of me, what I was told, what I thought was expected of me, I was aiming at perfection in what I thought human beings expected of me. I guess this is trying to tell me I am on the right path so far, just need to trust my gut and my heart.

http://astraeasweb.net/plural/ish-…

https://scholarsbank.uoregon.edu/x…

https://scholarsbank.uoregon.edu/x…

Those are about the ISH, various theories and research, plus Dissociation magazine.

A heck of a lot of food for thought, or reading, and I do not have much time online.

Subconscious mind:

The emotional and mental energies which were developed in early childhood, affect behavior and mental conditions in all human beings and become strong motivational forces which act on the subconscious plane. If the conditioning was based in fear, trauma, betrayal, or shame, then the person will react with that same programming until it is reprocessed at the subconscious level. The conscious mind cannot heal these energies, nor can it heal deep-seated resentment and guilt –both of which have a powerful ability to make a person physically sick[...]

That's from a post at Evil Sits At The Dinner Table. More:

“Reality Therapy” teaches that no matter what someone has been through in their childhood, they can suddenly “choose” different behavior and focus solely on the here and now. This leaves the grieving child inside the adult survivor feeling unheard. Unless a person knows why they are suffering and are given the tools to transmute past trauma, no amount of positive thinking will help them.

Human beings are not lab rats. Behavioral modification therapy is useless without first addressing the subconscious. When an authority figure rips a child apart physically, emotionally, and spiritually, the effects will remain with the victim forever unless the pain is reprocessed. Behavioral modification and reality therapy can ultimately cause a person to become a robot of concepts taught in text books, and those concepts will never truly heal a person.

Ignoring the subconscious mind is like being trapped inside your home, and you put a sign asking for help on the roof of your house and someone comes along and throws a blanket over it. In frustration, you place an even bigger sign on the roof, but the person comes and knocks it down. Finally, in desperation, you set fire to the entire house because you know that someone will finally come to help you. The subconscious mind is the one putting out the signs and the conscious mind keeps trying to cover them up. When the subconscious is ignored, it becomes angry and screams for attention by setting the fire.

"Family members have been known to ask a survivor to stop having therapy, or to use anti-depressants, instead of working through their trauma.  This request is made because it is more comfortable and convenient for the family, not because it is best for the person who is trying to heal."

-from ordinaryevil.wordpress.com

I feel like someone from my 12-step group did that to me. I got hit by a car while living at her house. After she & her hubby let me have a room in their house for a few weeks or a month, I got a job. Apparently something happened on the way home from work, but I didn't remember it, it was pretty nasty. NO memory, just was scatty as hell, kept going back and trying to figure out what happened, but my "brain" kept saying nothing to see here, no problem.

I got hit by a car after working about 5 or 6 months--was just about to get health care benefits--and I could not go back to work even after I was better, couldn't sue the guy that hit me, couldn't do anything but watch tv. The woman, whose mother owned the house, did recognize it as depression, but she said, you go to the emergency room and get drugs. I couldn't. I called my mom's old shrink, who recommended a free clinic, govt. sponsored. But I couldn't get in for months, lady let me stay anyway, then I got a break and a friend was leaving her house empty while she sold it so she asked me to move in. She did want some rent but I couldn't pay. After a while her husband told her the house would be ransacked if it were left empty.

Which is true, terrible neighborhood. Every other person was a drug dealer--or hooker I think. Someone camped out under the porch. I was not sympathetic, did not realize it was the son of an acquaintance and mostly harmless. Though he was messed up and ended up in a mental institution.

Anyway, I did get free housing from two women, the first younger than I. I kind of feel like she was snapping her fingers under my nose, she was impatient with everything I did and every mistake, and you cannot live with someone like that. She was always screaming at her husband--who was not the world's greatest husband by any means, and he kept making passes at me after I kept saying no. Honestly what I resent is getting a job before I knew what the hell was going on in my head, even though it seemed like the sensible thing to do. I felt like I could never pay this woman enough rent, and after I lost my job and had to live off my bank account, I had to empty it and almost fainted on my way to the therapy--which didn't do much for me, wouldn't even look at repressed memories.

They sure did give me drugs though, because they got them for free. If it would have cost them anything, I would not even have heard about them. Unless it's really some kind of emergency, I do not want any kind of pharmaceuticals. Aspirin or ibuprofen for pain or maybe something stronger for surgery. Or if you are dying of cancer and want painkillers.

4) Watch your thoughts and examine your beliefs about yourself. Our thoughts are powerful and we have more control over our lives than we are led to believe. I found my initial diagnoses dehumanising and I "forgot" who I was. I believe that SCH is a widely misunderstood mental illness and that a diagnosis itself, as it did with me, can lead to a massive downward-spiral. I used to walk away from my psych appointments with ultimatums running through my head, thinking I would deteriorate and end up in a psych ward for the rest of my life if I didn't take meds, etc. etc. (one of my psychiatrists told me I would never have a normal life w/out medication for the rest of my life- without it I would spend my life in hospital, I was chronic, etc. etc- we were paying him $300 an hour to tell me this :D) I am very proud to have proven him completely wrong!


That's from someone's intro at one of my closed communities, but I just tripped over it in my memories. Why I memmed it I don't know, but I really like it and still haven't read it all.

I am as far behind as ever in my program. I guess I need a sponsor, well everyone is supposed to have one, but I don't.

I guess I had a little insight this morning or whenever. Something happened in 2007, according to the inners. I THINK I remember having a problem with my brother, over picking a lily in the yard--accidentally--and he overreacted and went nuts yelling and trying to make me feel like shit. I called my sponsor and didn't like what she told me. I don't think it was very caring, was not what I needed.

She herself told me that we need to have our gut feelings validated, not dismissed--which is what she did, she minimized what he did. The problem is that I am so effing scared of him and I don't know why. Yet I do know part of it, that I saw him slap my mother around, and once grab her by the neck and shake her. You know? So if he's working himself up to get into a mood like that, it's not a good thing, and I need to talk to someone.

And how often in the programs do they tell you to pick up the phone and call your sponsor, call an Al-Anon friend? Like every other minute?

But the thing is, no one has ever called me for a program call--except Joan, and I couldn't handle her. My bro (same as above) had picked up the phone same time as I did, and had not yet put it down and she started saying she was in my Al-Anon program...she lives alone and no one can overhear her program calls.

I was scared to have him hear what I was "up to" and never felt right about taking phone calls in the house. There is no privacy. And that made trouble for me in therapy too, no phone of my own so I couldn't even go sit in a far corner of the park and talk, or whatever.

Just happened to look in another window at a multi com that isn't much posted in anymore. What caught my eye was that the person had inners for whom pain was soothing. I think that's partly what's wrong.

It's raining and I was going to go to the grocery. When I'm here, somehow it's just not something I can get myself to do, it's agoraphobia. No question. It feels like there are consequences if I do go out, something terrible will happen, someone will start to stalk me.

But I go out at home okay, can go grocery shopping. wth?

This is a bout how the mind blocks out sexual abuse/trauma.[from ordinaryevil.wordpress.com]
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Warning for possible child abuse trigger.

"Sadly, yes, many Americans believe that their nicely dressed, church-going neighbors, who have good jobs, aren’t capable of rape, abuse and incest. This denial system is a blanket of protection for every sexual perpetrator who is married and has an upscale home or high paying job."

This is about nice, nice parents who sue their kid, who they abused, because she didn't happen to have made any videotapes while they were being nasty to her. Therefore it is the therapists who did wrong. In the parents eyes. In the article, it just says that the victim accused the parents, not that she sued them. Maybe she did, which at least would be a flimsy non-excuse for them to sue for libel or whatever they are saying.

That link is to the blog, Evil Sits at the Dinner Table.