kindmemory, posts by tag: soo - LiveJournal

On enslavement of relatives and friends, a recent thought: after reading Rose Madder, it hit me what the bully says to his frequently beaten wife, "this is the way all cops are, we're brothers, if you tell, I'll find out and I'll kill you".

I saw a woman on some Oprah type show who had been imprisoned as a teenager, kidnapped and kept in a room under the stairs in her kidnappers basement(no her hame was not Harriet Potter). Oddly she said she was forced to do macrame to helpe finance the household. I reckon that's not all. But her captors told her that this was what was happening all across America, that this was normal. And pimps tell their victims that they will be captured by other pimps if they run away. Which is the truth, I believe, because there is honor among thieves.

Rowan had a dream last night about the trauma that happened seven years ago where there were 3 personalities that came about to hold the memory. So I am a little more sure, and have some clues but did not exactly have the memory.

I sat next to my sis in the library just now and suddenly realized how paranoid I'd been feeling. I guess it just made me feel more peaceful and reassured. Same thing Monday, at home, I was profoundly depressed--talked to my sis, just good morning or like that. Then okay, felt like something cleared out.

[from a few days ago] I read Rose Madder over the weekend (Stephen King). Wonderful character development, scary villain, great heroes. But Stephen, you do not wash the color out of bleached hair and then go back to the natural color. Blonde is not a dye, it's the result of bleaching, which is a permanent process. The real color has to grow back in. (try it!)


Getting ready to leave the library and go home, get something to eat, take a shower. Meeting last night and tonight.

Waking up in the middle of the night was pretty awful, Someone remembered getting hit in the back of the head, a beating. I am pretty sure I know who [/from a few days ago]

This week my sis, an Al-Anon friend who I wished had been using the internet more and strangely enough a (girl, I still think of her that way) who grew up next door but has two grown children now did too. And my older brother gave me some cheese treats he didn't want. This is all good, this is progress.

I am getting very tired of trying to figure out what is going on in my own head, and I guess that's progress. Not that I don't want to know, but if it is ruling my life, not good.

This is a good week because for whatever reason I am not feeling much misery. And when I do, I'm able to figure it out or cope with it.

 

This morning I had a dream that I was living in the house with my sis, bro and mom, just like now, but we were either older teens or young adults, and mom was younger, she had her short hair like in the 80s or early 90s. She had been on the road, on vacation or business I don't know, but it seems on a train she met this Jerry guy. Who reminds me of her shrink from around that time. But in the dream he was Jewish and very strict with kids.

But though I was suspicious the whole dream that it was ego, he seemed to be a pretty good dad. When my bro and sis said he told them what books to read, I had been pretty trepidatious. I guess I was visiting someone else when he first came to stay or visit.

It was my turn to meet him, and he gave me a copy of a magazine, like one that comes with the New York Times, kind of, but more intellectual? And more meaningful, but still fairly heavy duty. I was told to read the column that discussed newer books, that recommended the best newly published books. I couldnt' find the article though.

He brought his son Sean over, a 5 year old. He was a cute little kid. But I was still suspicious because my mom didn't have a real life reputation for finding decent men. This was a good one, though.

At the end of the dream, there was group therapy, and one of the kids said, "this is my invisible friend", indicating the chair next to him(it did feel like the 'kid' was me, like I was introducing).

I woke up and was lying there and this THING was either expelled out of me, or rushed out. It was a being of light, but it was invisible. I was scared shiteless. Just terrified. But I'm sure it's gone forever.

I remembered at the house I lived in in Mich., where I was about age 7-12, that I said to my mom one time, if something were exactly colored like what was behind it, it would be invisible. She said, mhm. And that is one thing that I always wondered about, why did I ask that question? I can't say how many times I have gone back to that and wondered.

I think my mom was having an affair around that time, thus the idea of getting a new dad. But I've been dreaming a lot about dads lately. New Dad insurance was a SNL skit many years ago.

I read once that seeing a dad in your dreams, your dad, means you need to stand on your own two feet and get things done, not rely on someone else.

Jerry Goldfarb?