kindmemory, posts by tag: ty - LiveJournal

Just..flammable means combustible. Inflammable means you can't set it on fire.

I called the Pr. Hl. Clinic this a.m. and was rude to the person who called the phone. I was just mad because I am full of anxiety over the whole idea of my teeth being screwed over royally, and the problem of having to ride the bus but having no money for it. And my ear is getting effed up on one side, my eyes are affected by all this, I weigh too goddamn much, etc.
 
And I have about 3 bucks, total, to my name. Kay was talking about selling old jewelry to those places that buy silver and gold--if she sold stuff there, then the place is honest. I do have some silver jewlry, some that I am reluctant to sell-but I sho' do need some cash.

We were really really really in a strange way on Fri. Not unpleasant but I remember one other bus trip where I was in this bizarre mood--there was a lady to the left of me in a really colorful tie-dye outfit and she had a smiley-face backpack (vinyl--I once saw one like it I would have bought if I had been bold enough, in a Payless window), and there was another guy, a former bus driver, who was talking about how his heart attack came on him--and I suddenly had chest pains, pretty bad. And I had been in that odd mood, whatever it is. Mine were from anxiety I'm sure.

I felt uplifted and like I was doing so well. It was just emotinal, I don't know what it was. Technically I feel like I didn't do what I was supposed to do that day, esp. since I had borrowed money and didn't spend it right. But it was a stunning day and I felt happy in spite of everything. I think because I had been praying  a lot in the spirit that week, and doing constructive things. And getting a lot of negative emotion out, various people had been coming up venting. They needed to. Becky is gone, she "died" as we do. She wanted to kill herself, but was told (by Ty?) that it is our privilege to go when we feel we can no longer bear life, holding our burden. We do not wish to let the memories drag us down to hell.

So the emotions may have been locked up in Becky. There was a woman up on Sat. or Sun. morning who really had to cry and let go the misery. I don't care to say what about, really awful. Poor baby.

And someone left a biscuit in the toaster oven--not good, sis had to turn the oven off. Not good. Plus it wasted some flour but it could have burned that's the important thing--burned up the house.

Someone died yesterday, a suicide. We could feel the sadness, not a biting overwhelming sorrow--but, what happened?

Ty had comforted someone a few months ago, and there was a suicide watch set up. And then yesterday evening someone said, "stay awake, don't sleep tonight". But I think the person was already gone by then. the name was Padasca, someone said she was connected with Ladislas and Festivus. I think Festivus may be a name, but it it also a joke, the name of a holiday made up by George's dysfunctional family in Seinfeld, the tv show.

There has been this idea that something bad happened on Christmas, but I don't know what. Festivus is when you air your resentments (it's a pretty stupid holiday).

Someone said earlier in the year, they needed to know it's okay to commit suicide. Well, someone in the system already did that, and came back. I just don't like the idea of doing it twice.

Hah, you fell for it, fake title!

Real title: Lost-O-Rama

I have been getting DVDs of the Lost series at the library. I started to watch when it was still on tv, though not from the beginning.

I hadn't watched for long, when it started on the theme of The Others kidnapping babies. I hadn't watched the beginning of the series, so wasn't caught up in any of the other threads. If it was going to be about mysterious instances of babies missing, I couldn't watch it I guess. I guess that's why I quit watching, even though it was somewhat compelling.

I didn't know then I was multiple or had a missing baby in my life, that I had ever been pregnant, that my mom had taken me for a "vacation"at 5 1/2 months of pregnancy, and that the pregnancy was terminated.

That was a prime incident that apparently ate at me, one that was important in me discovering my own multiplicity.

I  think I lost interest in TV after that--I wanted to get interested in this show, it's my kind of show. It keeps you wondering, it's about survival and weird experiences. But people in my system did not know whether I knew about any of it, and either wanted to hide it out of selfishness--what the hey is a poor woman doing getting pregnant off a happily married guy who she knows she will never see again, when she has no damned money anyway?--"we'd better hide this, she'll find out and we'll be in trouble". Or was it, "she can't know, she'll be hurt"?

I remember at one point someone deciding that if someone is living in a delusion, and they live in a mental institution, and they are happy, what's wrong with that?

And that's how it was, the core was gone for whatever reason, obviously not being able to live in the real world. But A.) people in real mental institutions are not necessarily safe, there are abusive staff members, and abusive family members who rip them off, keep them there when they no longer need to be. And there are al kinds of other problems that can arise.

And did whoever decided it was okay, that Liz was happy and just fine where she was, did they consider she might be back? Might get cured?

I say "I " decided Liz was happy, but we do not even know who we are all. Ben didn't know who the hell he was when he first posted here, made an entry at multiplicity basically saying "who am I?" Then he figured it out. Barry is the one who will make the first 2 letters of a sentence capitalized, and Ben--will use every feature of the Rich Text function to get across the important points and mile long entries, full of emotion to get his point across and describe the situation. Like the one with KB in the church bus where he arranged to threaten someone with a fork and cuss at her to get her off our back. And so on and so forth.

Ty, we don't know what his mark is, other than maybe having an English accent when he's typing?Gina seems  like she's up today, very precise nonaccented American, just like Liz on the phone.

Si? Not sure, as he's Silent Si.

IT's interesting that Autistic One, the one who has been with us since the body was about 12 or 13, seemed to respond to praying.She had been handflapping because of being in the basement I guess, sniffing, upset. At the mention of Iluvatar--some were praying in the Spirit. And one prayed to Father Iluvatar, was praying in Elvish or Westron--methinks Westron.

She just relaxed immediately, this never happened before.

Tired. I sneaked OBOO's disc out of his movie case, the one going back to library. Sure enough, he came home and took the case back before I knew it. He asked politely if I had it, I said yes, I'd take it back.

I just got bored. Before that, someone was giving someone else utter hell, I don't know who on either end. I got back to my bedroom, and realized I couldn't remember even the verbal exchange, in addition to not knowing who it is in the first place. (someone just said "fist")

I really shouldn't have touched older bother's DVD, was stupid and I knew it, since mr. hair trigger waiting to get in a fight and then blame it on me.

I was bored. By golly. I did not go to the new year's eve thing thrown by linda, just decided it would be boring, scrabble etc. I am much more used to living in my head. also last time I was with that crowd, who are kind of dubious in a way to me anyway, I felt like I was something soft on top of a rock with a sieve being pushed down on top of me. I went through a whole weird thing I would compare to experiencing emotional synesthesia.

That was in spring, more or less, of '09. I think it was because of gearing up to whole mode of living life as a multiple, without trying to deny it any more.

I got a couple things in the washer last night, nice because it's a sign I am not as depressed as I feel.

Ech, I am playing puzzle pirates. I really have just been sitting at the computer for ...hours. I need to get up, get a drink, something to eat. It's just that i have a decent computer, Don't feel like giving it up!

Bettina is now Bellea. That happens, J gave her a new name. I think she never knew what her name was, then saw Waya's Bettina got locked in a bedroom. Maybe she felt all alone. I think there was Meagol in the system, and also Mila came up, or out of the closet first time I knew of. I knew she was there, did not know she was associated with my parents divorce. Didn't even know it was a key event. I just remember thinking, how will the family get by? Then feeling ashamed, and wondering why?They met Jay and went to the House at the Lake, presumably.

WE're getting a $10 gift card from Borders, with points we built up at MyPoints--all without buying a darn thing, tho' it sure took a long time to build all those points up.

We were thinking of giving it to Sis, for birthday, but we seem to have folks in system who reject any and all attempts to do anything like that. We briefly thought of calling Don and Margaret, since we were housesitting this week, then...duh. Just a lot going on in the head or...being shy. We need to make some kind of decision about Kaybee. I had a dream of Pat telling me she is scared to front again. And like so many times, I didn't even know who was fronting and when I find out, I don't even know who they are. If it's George, Ben, Ty, Sandy, Fianna, I tend to know who.

I am pretty sure there is a "Helling" in the system, who i think was named after someone who was "just taking care of himself (and self only)" This is from around the time of Fianna. About 1984. So I need to talk to this person. I think I can feel her now, one of the fumers. Sorry, but it's true.

Some of us are okay with her, but some are leary. Some don't care one way or the other.

I am really tired, going to take of and get something to eat.

Thanks whoever did the laundry.

& we now have elephant icons from Waya, will have to get at a better computer to deal with getting them uploaded.

We went around with Patty doing ...what do you call them? Holy crap it's bad...errands.

We stopped at GoodWill, got a black chenille scarf, an embroidered denim bag for our books, and an VHS copy of The Hobbit, the old 70s Ralph Bakshi cartoon version of it. Feel kinda silly about that last.

Since accessories are half off, the scarf was 1$, the bag 2$ (& the movie 2$, not an accessory!)

We were going through some of the thoughts we'd been having (For a few centuries), of not sending cards, knowing events are coming up but not being prepared for them--like people's birthdays, Christmas, etc.

--And then someone is like, well, it's okay. Lol, they weren't just saying it, we got the reaffirming feeling. I hope we all get to be that relaxed about it all. I still don't get it, and I feel like there is an event around Xmas that must be buried down there, and pulling strings to mess us up so much about it. We did one year completely forget to buy youngest sibling a Christmas gift. This was just unthinkable. I still can't figure out why it happened. I still have the feeling that I cannot get out of that trap, out of doing it again.

It wasn't the money, someone must have been mad at him. I just can't figure out why. It almost must have been legitimate. I guess. WE don't just lie about stuff do we? WE don't just make up reasons to hate people.

This was like 30 years ago and we still don't have the confidence that we can make a list and send everyone a card, or even think of a gift to give them even if we had unlimited funds.

On about Dec. 23rd, we went to a coffee shop that was a little hike away. Liz had promised someone to take them there. We didn't know who. We have been aware (this is Ty) for sometime that there is a Viggo, or at least that we sure could see someone who looked exactly like Viggo Mortensen.

Then on Dec. 27 (Liz thought it was her who had the lucky number 27, it always did (sis) seem like it was lucky for her), but we get this guy come up. And we get some Birthday ideas and ... we just know, we're pretty sure this is the Aragorn soulbond in the system. We are so hung up on Lord of the Rings, it's been an obsession since Liz was 12 or 13 when she first read it. Anyway, the phrase "KEY PLAYER" came up also, pretty loud and clear. This makes sense. We know there are people who have just not made themselves known, who are definitely around and up a lot.

And then the next day or so, we saw a little Hobbit girl face, well, maybe an older girl. She was youngish, but halfway looking like the proportion of Gollum's face. She had a grey ectoplasm covering her mouth, and trailing away from it and connected to it.

Kind of sickening, but this is evidence of overeating, the one who is just honking down the Christmas cookies and whatnot. And ate this whole sausage yesterday morning. It's so sad because we cannot keep enough food in the house sometimes, and she is so thin.

But it's adding layers to the body.

Really we feel it's all emotional eating, feeling trapped since we've been back at home with the older brother (older bother). He's unbelievable, the lying and stealing, the abuse.

Just thinking of him makes us feel hopeless.

well, enough of that.

We had a decent year, actually, Liz realized she is multiple, fully realized. Then basically fell into finding really good therapy. She's had some darned bad therapy before, lots of it. Not for multiplicity.

And she's glad she didn't find her multiplicity with most of the jerks she consulted. They just were not open to the idea she wasn't making herself sick. Gad we feel bitter.

We feel guilty too. We told our friend Patty we got ourselves a 20$ boombox for Christmas. WE have to return it as the lid keeps opening and staying open, is defective. But we didn't feel we could tell her we got a DVD player that was a bit more expensive. WE feel like we're lying. Why can't we be honest? I feel like I could tell my other friends that, why not Patty?

Brrr, cold today. I'm at Patty's on her computer, got the Staples rebate thing done. I know that took forever, was sitting in the purse for months. Someone wonders why it takes that long to do simple things, but it's always taken that long. I don't know why. At least it got done.

We went to TJMaxx, Target and Old Navy this a.m., got undies, a DVD player & boombox, and a 5$ tee shirt. The boombox was a cheapie, and how. The CD cover won't close so it has to go back. Cospia was def. up at Old Navy. We were confused as heck there, and no PJ pants resulted from this trip. We're still a bit confused over why that keeps happening. There seems to be an issue over getting new ones, someone keeps ruining the new ones but the old ones had to be tossed, they were absolutely worn out. What the deal is we don't know.

Someone says "Con Ed" which is the energy company for New York, or used to be. No idea how that applies to the PJ pants. No paying the Con Ed bill with Xmas money, I guess. No ordinary purchases. Though we need them and our source of income is pretty much nil.

It would be nice to get a pattern for them, but we don't live near a fabric/sewing store, don't really have any fabric suitable for that.

We resisted Starbucks and all kinds of treats, though someone was apparently expecting ice cream, we didn't realize that. Better luck next time. Lol, someone making yum yum noises.

We better go, hazelnut coffee ready, need to get to Kroger and get some crackers and cheese for the meeting.


We've never had a DVD player before, so we can finally take advantage of free movies at the library. Erm, after we pay our fine....

So a few days ago, we posted about finding two sterling earrings, one 2 diff. days. Of course, they don't match, and the second one looked like it had been run over once. Oh well.

We have this wooden box resting on the railing at the head of the bed, up against the wall. It's got two angels in it, from our friend Kay. She gave us each (in our al-anon group) a keychain/locket that was heart-shaped, you're supposed to write something and put it in the locket, a little prayer or something. We just put "love" in there, it was all we could think of.

And last year Kay gave us another one(angel), a silvery pin with red crystals. And Kindee didn't like this, the angel shrine, but we didn't know it. Someone was apologizing to god for making an idolatrous shrine, with the explanation that "we love Kay". She is a very nice understanding person, generous and unassuming, you just have to know her. We respect her a lot.

And Kin was like, oh, okay then, if it's love. So we didn't even know someone didn't approve. She wasn't the only one, though, as we can feel. Kindee is our canary in a coal mine (someone started to write cola mine--we guess this is a hint). She won't go near snow that has pee in it from a dog that belongs to someone who has New Age literature in their house, much less would she approve of anyone who was a Satan worshipper or whatever.

And in the last week we had someone on the system dedicating their heart to Satan.

*sigh* We did our best to counteract that, or redact it.

Anyway the Angel Shrine is something we picked out of the house recycling, someone had bought some clementines last year, in a little wooden crate. The brand was apparently Happy Tree. Well we have a short history of voices speaking to us from trees, one of them claiming to be an angel, and a memory of reading someone's NDE account where they entered a tree after leaving this life for a short time. This woman's soul entered the tree and she said the tree was so peaceful and happy being a tree that she resented her husband praying for her, which brought her soul back to her body. She lived, came out of the coma because of her husband praying for her.

Ahem, some of us are laughing at this.

~Ben or Ty or somebody, you never know.