kindmemory, posts by tag: money - LiveJournal

I made a post about growing potatoes from other potatoes at poor_skills . Someone found a blog post about growing potatoes in a shopping bag--I don't have the nice heavy kind they have in the photo, but I guess I could duct tape together several of the thin kind. Also you can cook the leaves like spinach apparently, I hadn't even thought of that. Coolness.

I know I've heard of people ironing those plastic grocery bags together, too.

I have a pot with a couple potato sprouts growing in it, but it just doesn't get enough light. I have another windowsill that gets a lot of light, but I couldn't grow anything there due to mental block. I couldn't get myself to water the basil plant a friend gave me. It was like there was a physical barrier there, someone inside was scared to go across the room, or there was no physical continuity or something.

[Matt Baglio, in The Rite, said his research shows the human brain or mind forms an inner model of the outside world. I guess this is the reason we remember where we keep our socks--or whatever. And I wonder if my interior model of the outside world is just flaky and cracking. ]

I asked my mom this week if I could send a copy of proof of insurance to the city fieldhouse, friend Kay wants to rent it for her 50th BDay party. But she's not a resident of our city, can't rent it herself. So I called & they sent the contract and they want $1 million  worth of personal liability insurance, and $500,000 property damage. Ridiculous. But supposedly Moms couldn't find the insurance policy, didn't know who the agent is. Ridiculous, but possibly not a big dang lie.

It took me 2 days to work up to asking her, then she said ask your bother, he didn't know said ask mom. Or vise versa.


It never came down. I finally called Kay last night. I just had thought this is one more thing that isn't going to work out for me, the bad luck never stops.

But it makes sense, mom's brain is not good anymore, she can't keep stuff organized, often misplaces her checkbook and starts asking for it.

I knew it wasn't really important, and I think I was concerned deep down about money, or somehow getting paid back in favors for helping out my friends. Well a worldly Karma concern. Which is something to be concerned about, but intellectually I know my emotions over the whole thing or wanting to get back at her and bother for my feeling like crap in general are necessarily valid, probably not.

There was a really funny Bunny dream this morning--we see bunnies when we are moving forward at a rate too fast to last. Like in the Tortoise and the Hare fable. Two little white bunnies. And also we wer in a school cafeteria, like in grade school or early high school, and Terry Jo, a classmate from the late 60s was next to us. We had our handbag get stolen once, then again, but second time realized it was our FRIEND Terry Jo. We thouught she was a bit sleazy in real life.

Terry always means to TARRY, wait. Wait to pursue the matter of disappearing stuff in real life, I think.

The bunnies were little fluffy white ones, we petted them. Then on waking, thought of Ping, Hill's puppy. Been thinking of him...or her. :0

Petronel is a 17th century firearm? Lol, so all those Englishwomen named Petronella are named by guys who came back from the war. IT does have a nicer sound than 'Battleaxe'.

We changed the links at Aleezard and will have to do same at Kindmemory. There is a game site where you play and sponsors pay some amount to a charity for your playing, like Hungersite and Freerice. Perfect for us because we like games.

Haha, "sabulous" means sandy--hehe, Sandy.

IT's sunny and gorgeous, maybe 55-60 degrees, our favorite weather, here where we are in the midwest.

And oh, yeah, trying to talk ourselves into a paid journal--no ads. 15 userpics--or more I guess if you want them. I don't really give a darn about the layouts--I don't think. But journaling is what we do so...hope so.

We had a dream way back in the 1990s because we were worried about money, never had any. We wondered about investments, kind of that stupid how-to-get-rich-quick crap. The dream was someone female (one of us) looking at some tables with ledges around then, with clothes on them like in a bargain basement table. The tables had a 3 inch or so wall built around the edge, kind of a high curb almost. On top of one was a denim skirt that opened up the front and had these gold or imitation gold fastenings up the front, the way skirts used to have buttons up the front in the 70s. The fasteners were like the ones on firemans boots or raincoats.

Estelle, a woman I worked with at my first job at a nursing home, and Paula, a friend from college, were on either side of me. One handed me a purse similar to one my Aunt Pat had given me, an old one of hers. IT was kind of buff color and had some cords wrapped around it that were attached to the purse flap, it was pretty much an envelope clutch.

I was told to, "put your money in a purse with strings on it". That confused the heck out of me. I think around that time was when Freedom had just entered our lives. He kept saying "write it down"--to write down our abortion experience most probably. I don't know who he was talking to, didn't know what it was we were supposed to write down. I remember whoever it was they were talking to, Liz?--feeling like something had happened out of the ordinary, but we couldn't remember it. Vague feeling.

After a while we realized somehow that the dream imagery included a "pocket book" rather than a purse, and that the strings were not strings or binding but LINES. Put your money in a book with lines in it. That took a long time because it was a bit of a stretch, the dream language. I think around then we started visiting the library to look at dream dictionaries and dream interpretation books.

Now that I think of it, "put your money in a book with lines in it sounds like angel-talk. They really have a hard time with the host language, one Gigi knows had a really hard time saying "jawbone of an ass". He came up with something like, "mandible of a horselike creature".

This was the beginning of us journaling, which gave us someone we trusted to talk to, and a way to think more clearly and keep track of what was going on in our life.

I was helping my sis look for a book of stamps this morning, and I realized I had lost the last two 44¢ stamps that were sitting on my bedside table. I went upstairs and found the two stamps right after I told her to look a second time where I know she already looked. Then right after that I was looking in a place where I swear I looked 8 trillion times for an envelope of cash, but couldn't find it.

Haha, after months of frustration, there it was. A bit anticlimactic, but I guess it would have been worse if I'd had to wait longer.

Going to Patty's this afternoon. The group is going to an Al-Anon convention, and I'm sitting for her dog and house. I finally have realized I hate travelling, or have  a block against it, or it triggers me. And I have thing about hotel rooms. Gah.

I'm having an unfortunate time at a community where I post, people are all standing up for the current pope, who as far as I can tell deserves at least all he's gotten so far from the media. He's great at getting to be pope, but has a dismal record at providing spiritual leadership or stopping his followers from raping children. Too bad, there is a meany-weany icon out there making fun of his likeness to Darth Sideous/Emperor Palpatine out there, and one person thinks that people look at that icon and "believe" it. I looked at that icon and thought, funny coincidence. That is not exactly crucifixion.

It's a shame, because if he had been leading in the right direction in all his time as a priest, he could have done a lot of good. He would not be as celebrated in this life, but this is but a blink in time compared with eternity. There are people whose lives would have been transformed if he had done right by the children and their parents.

GTG, Patty will be wating for me.

I was triggered the other day--Old Friend Tim was in the library, and he suddenly asked the librarian "should I leave?". It was the end of the day, and I guess that's why he asked. We felt not much at the time, but didn't want to talk to him, was definitely avoiding him. I felt feelings that I was being unfriendly and unreasonable, and that I liked talking to him.

However he was seemingly sober when I met him, in a program, then dropped out (after pushing me into Al-Anon, since my mom was driving me crazy and I was going crazy). Then he dropped out and started drinking, said he had stolen money at one point when he was in charge of it. He had a history of abusing heroin, was a nurse and would steal it from the hospital. His wife, a nurse also, was doing the same thing. She thought better of it and turned herself in and named names. Me bruvva, the one in mental health administration, says that is so uncool. But I think she didn't do too badly. Tim says people should give to people who ask for money on the streets, when you suspect them of wanting it for drugs or alcohol. He says they should hit bottom.

Which is what his wife was helping herself to do, and him too while he's at it. Lol.

He was always making promises, and I always let him walk all over me, it was a really sick relationship. (okay, he was very fun sometimes and rather smart). I was bored nuts and lonely. And stupid. But he did shove me into Al-Anon, so maybe it was meant to be. He also put to a halt my weight loss. I don't know who it was who was doing such a good job of sensible eating and exercise, but they got stymied.

I would see him often walking around, and last time I did, he was staggering and "looking for painkillers on the street". There was a rash of robberies in the immediate area by a white man, sounding like they were purely for instant cash for drugs. Like he robbed one antique dealer with a knife. Or he tried and she ran out and got the police, he never got any money from her. I always wondered if Tim knew anything about him.

My LJ friends at my older journal, afufle, would say to back off him when I would express a thought of actually taking him up on his offer to come over to his mom's house and eat. His mom would always serve good nourishing food, but he'd get to the door first with Little Debbie snack cakes or something. I'd ask repeatedly for him not to do that, but of course he kept at it. He avoided my suggestions to him to try some Al-Anon meetings. He said he couldn't be sure his dad, who attacked him with a chainsaw, was an alcoholic or drug addict.

That sounds kind of like me, I didn't go to Al-Anon years ago because I assumed it would be a bunch of judgemental women sitting around me giving me crap and telling me everything was all my fault when it wasn't and I'd be forced to disagree.

I didn't really think of the 'encounter' as triggering me, but when I left the library, I went and spent some money in an impractical way considering I had a dollar fifty at most--I went to UDF and had a cup of coffee with cream. I was feeling so guilty about not speaking to him, feeling dishonest for walking right by him while his head was down looking at a newspaper. The next day I woke up and it's like, "you're feeling guilty? the guy is DANGEROUS". Like his friend The Pimp, who was my first boyfriend, he is a good buddy of my older bother, who has a lot of good buddies.

It's not just the uncontollable drug use, it's just that I feel there's more I don't remember. Also he's just kind of stupid about people. Whatever, I guess I'm juste erring on the side of safety.

The feelings that I feel after even barely brushing with him are pretty weird.

I know he's RC, he's almost certainly been abused in childhood. His buddy The Pimp has been medicated for schizophrenia.he went off his medication and he blamed me bruvva who is in mental health, which was not honest at all. His dad, who almost certainly abused him, threatened me bruvva with violence. His family very clearly did not want to be bothered with anything abnormal, they were such assholes. No wonder he turned out the way he did.

Tim was not questioning that it was buried trauma that was the root of a great deal of depression, and the he was resentful as hell all the time against all kinds of people. RAnted a lot. He really does go through periods of trying. And he didn't do anything creepy to trigger me, he just was there, and there must be buried memory or PTSD, from a violent encounter followed up by bad police shit. Which scared me probably inordinately because I thought the cop was ... really a sadistic lunatic. I found out there were a lot of complaints against him, and I am sure I was justified in thinking I couldn't handle him. I just felt like no one was really supporting me, but even if someone were ready to, I doubt I could have accepted it.

IT is a good thing that we got the DVD player, and are not reluctant to be in the library pretty frequently checking out videos, or we'd be climbing the walls. Working/employment right now is an issue, and even things like housework are fraught with insane issues. Sometimes talking to people on the outside is like pressing a trigger to complete confusion and emotional noise, like stepping out of the eye of the storm. As always we're staying in the shelter of home, not going anywhere or socializing, avoiding therapy mostly--like at it's most frequent we'll go twice a month.

Which idealy we know is wrong. We're just going through trying to remember specific memories, but in the mean time getting bigger and more complete views of the big picture. We are told there is or are lies getting in the way of progress, but usually the lies we encounter are not so much twisting the truth or inventing anything, but saying, "nope that odd look that person gave you and the other odd things that happened when you were around them, didn't mean a thing--nothing happened here!"

In other words denial.

The big problem is when someone in-system is doing something rotten, trying to cover up for it. Like that people have been apparently stealing all kinds of stuff that doesn't exist on the outside. Or thjat they hide money on the outsided--for their own personal use later? WE don't know. I'm a bit scared that someone got careless and let it fall in the wastebasket. Though mostly I think it's just individuals hiding it from others. I do not know the motive, whether it is basically safety-not spending the stuff frivolously, or saving it FOR something others would not approve of.

IT's good to finally know I'm multiple.

Lol.

Whoever's turn it was to take care of the body this week, they just didn't care. I guess this is what happened.

We heard "I just don't care", hear that often. This isn't a careless selfish not caring, it's just not being able to care. We were having our period, which is usually pretty severe, so as usual it was. We weren't eating right because we suck at making a living or taking care of ourselves, including taking advantage of government assistance programs. We just can't do it.

Honestly over the years, part of it is probably pride, but it's also being terrified of the family, what they would say. And also fear of being hooked into the system. They just really don't take care of all your needs, I don't think. It's difficult to get aid unless you have kids, if you're a woman.

They automatically deny you for a while, probably to keep freeloaders off, and also because of low funding I'd think. If you're not going to be persistent, why bother with you? I guess that's it. I don't know.


I just refused to think about it, mostly. But I was forced to seek help for depression ("do it or move out", and I didn't have a job or any money or any place to go). And it worked, I got counselling. After a year or so, I'd had it, the dame wouldn't consider that I had any buried traumatic experiences. I didn't know I was multiple, and I'm suspecting I have lots of family members who are multiple. And they bury this.

Going to therapy this afternoon, it's been at least two weeks. They called me, I usually call them. They're busy all the time, and they do this for free. I have a problem with none of that. I never could handle any regular schedule for therapy for very long. Thursdays at three, week after week? Just can't do it. Lol, didnt' know why before, now I do.

I'm going to dogsit for a day tomorrow, so will get just a few bucks, which I'm desperate for. It's really difficult to explain to P. why I can't call her when I'm so effed up, don't have any food, etc. She knows about my mulitiplicity, but is in some doubt. I don't blame her. She just isn't familiar with it.

Her son is schizophrenic, bipolar and an alcoholic. This has all combined to get him institutionalized, possibly for life, since he's accused of a serious crime. If he is at some point "cured" then he'll be forced to go to trial. And she's an Al-Anon friend, so she knows there are explanations for behavior that's rather odd. There is a fascinating post about schizo this week in multiplicity .

I have an LJ friend who is schizo, takes medication, but still has trouble with voices giving him heck sometimes. One time someone told him to consider that they are people who he should try to talk to, but I guess he didn't see my comment. Which is just as well, because it's me sticking my nose in it. If he's going to figure out his multiplicity, he's going to do it, whether it comes from me or not. I know that sounds stupid, since it's obvious. But some of us just try to help.... *Sigh*.

My friend whose son is institutionalized didn't take his meds and he did drink, and got into a confusing situation where a woman came home with him from a bar. She accused him of rape, he was out getting copies of his apartment key made for her. He thought he was involved in a relationship. It was that screwed up. He's not mentally capable of standing trial, according to the legal system.

Er, where was I going with that?

Hehe, this week it's been a theme, someone's been throwing it out--"too many cooks spoil the broth". I guess so, we have so many people in the system. WE knew some would go this winter, therapy and progress lead to a measure of integration. I think usually people are glad to go, it's so miserable in here. I don't blame them. But some stay to help the others.

We found someone named Mystesee, your guess as good as mine as to who named this person, or did she/he name self. (*)

Acting as a demon. We were looking for this since there was cutting on Xmas eve, that hasn't happened but for a few months in 1984. Maybe one other time, but not sure. Then MiLady, who knew, she's in charge of cutting. Sheesh.

Then Helling, she was apparently the one who stole the money. And The Midget. Who I saw last night and it wasn't a Hobbit. She was rather short for an adult tho, had very blonde hair. I went upstairs to her room or apartment and she went in the other room to get something. Then I woke up.

It was a funny dream, because it started out that I was lying on a couch (usually in a dream that is a sign I am being lied to). I picked up an orange and white kitten, and started to wipe something off its fur. It had the weirdest tail formation, sort of a misgrowth of the tail that was really unfortunate, it had a split in it right where it connected to the body. Like "Y" formation. Then there were a bunch of people around me,  and I said, "is this it, am I in the system?" Meaning, I do not know what house I live in on the inside, or what community. This seemed to be a form of the house I live in now, but based on my memories of an earlier time in my life.

One of the people around me identified himself as "Uff". I went upstairs to -- Bellea's apartment, the Midget?

I did not find any money last night or today, did not have any thoughts of where it might me. I just have the feeling someone is either standing firm on spending it, or someone is really selfish and stupid.

Ben really needs help I think, someone is doing all kinds of stuff, losing the cap to his anointing oil, dumping coffee on a book he borrowed about R. Catholocism, so it's entirely possible he is really up to bad behavior. Someone did that before when he really was doing something quite contrary to what he professed to believe. And so this needs to be investigated further. As far as I know he is in the system of Elizabeth, and there are problems there. I am sure. I think it is with my dad and grandfather, brother.

Someone said the other day, "Si lied". There is a Terpsichore and a Polyhymnia in the system, two of the Greek Muses. I did like reading the Greek mythology stories, but had no idea they'd be all in there.


This is too much for one post, I feel like...but one last note, Hill has a puppy named Ping. White, grey ears. I was trying to explain to Es that I she named it after Mulan, but I just kept going and going.

A note about the couch in the dream, it's one the family of origin no longer owns, but at some point we think a mouse died in it and smelled it up, then must have dried up and the smell went away. But since we've been seeing it in our dreams, it seems to mean something smells funny.

And that happens to scare the crud out of me, and I hate that.  I hate that I believe there are people in the system who are just not interested in my welfare much, that they are looking out for self and dragging system down. That is one of the things we're getting to in therapy, but of course it's more of a process than an event.

I just realized something. It has been bothering me that I am obsessed with money, even though I seem to have less and less of it as the years go by.

My mom has constantly told me that I would not do well financially, not be able to take care of myself. This cannot be overstated. She worried about money constantly for some reason, and would play games with me about it, probably thinking she was doing me some kind of favor.

Her side of the family especially has/had an obsession with money.

Some of my folk have just focussed on it so much, nose to the grindstone, never ending.

We have maybe more than the usual trouble forming relationships and keeping them with people on the outside. Basically we rely on them to keep in touch with us. Me.

I don't know how else to say that, so I guess I'll leave it there.