Old Friend Tim

I was triggered the other day--Old Friend Tim was in the library, and he suddenly asked the librarian "should I leave?". It was the end of the day, and I guess that's why he asked. We felt not much at the time, but didn't want to talk to him, was definitely avoiding him. I felt feelings that I was being unfriendly and unreasonable, and that I liked talking to him.

However he was seemingly sober when I met him, in a program, then dropped out (after pushing me into Al-Anon, since my mom was driving me crazy and I was going crazy). Then he dropped out and started drinking, said he had stolen money at one point when he was in charge of it. He had a history of abusing heroin, was a nurse and would steal it from the hospital. His wife, a nurse also, was doing the same thing. She thought better of it and turned herself in and named names. Me bruvva, the one in mental health administration, says that is so uncool. But I think she didn't do too badly. Tim says people should give to people who ask for money on the streets, when you suspect them of wanting it for drugs or alcohol. He says they should hit bottom.

Which is what his wife was helping herself to do, and him too while he's at it. Lol.

He was always making promises, and I always let him walk all over me, it was a really sick relationship. (okay, he was very fun sometimes and rather smart). I was bored nuts and lonely. And stupid. But he did shove me into Al-Anon, so maybe it was meant to be. He also put to a halt my weight loss. I don't know who it was who was doing such a good job of sensible eating and exercise, but they got stymied.

I would see him often walking around, and last time I did, he was staggering and "looking for painkillers on the street". There was a rash of robberies in the immediate area by a white man, sounding like they were purely for instant cash for drugs. Like he robbed one antique dealer with a knife. Or he tried and she ran out and got the police, he never got any money from her. I always wondered if Tim knew anything about him.

My LJ friends at my older journal, afufle, would say to back off him when I would express a thought of actually taking him up on his offer to come over to his mom's house and eat. His mom would always serve good nourishing food, but he'd get to the door first with Little Debbie snack cakes or something. I'd ask repeatedly for him not to do that, but of course he kept at it. He avoided my suggestions to him to try some Al-Anon meetings. He said he couldn't be sure his dad, who attacked him with a chainsaw, was an alcoholic or drug addict.

That sounds kind of like me, I didn't go to Al-Anon years ago because I assumed it would be a bunch of judgemental women sitting around me giving me crap and telling me everything was all my fault when it wasn't and I'd be forced to disagree.

I didn't really think of the 'encounter' as triggering me, but when I left the library, I went and spent some money in an impractical way considering I had a dollar fifty at most--I went to UDF and had a cup of coffee with cream. I was feeling so guilty about not speaking to him, feeling dishonest for walking right by him while his head was down looking at a newspaper. The next day I woke up and it's like, "you're feeling guilty? the guy is DANGEROUS". Like his friend The Pimp, who was my first boyfriend, he is a good buddy of my older bother, who has a lot of good buddies.

It's not just the uncontollable drug use, it's just that I feel there's more I don't remember. Also he's just kind of stupid about people. Whatever, I guess I'm juste erring on the side of safety.

The feelings that I feel after even barely brushing with him are pretty weird.

I know he's RC, he's almost certainly been abused in childhood. His buddy The Pimp has been medicated for schizophrenia.he went off his medication and he blamed me bruvva who is in mental health, which was not honest at all. His dad, who almost certainly abused him, threatened me bruvva with violence. His family very clearly did not want to be bothered with anything abnormal, they were such assholes. No wonder he turned out the way he did.

Tim was not questioning that it was buried trauma that was the root of a great deal of depression, and the he was resentful as hell all the time against all kinds of people. RAnted a lot. He really does go through periods of trying. And he didn't do anything creepy to trigger me, he just was there, and there must be buried memory or PTSD, from a violent encounter followed up by bad police shit. Which scared me probably inordinately because I thought the cop was ... really a sadistic lunatic. I found out there were a lot of complaints against him, and I am sure I was justified in thinking I couldn't handle him. I just felt like no one was really supporting me, but even if someone were ready to, I doubt I could have accepted it.