Cause I am a sinner If its not one thing its another Caught up in words Tangled in lies You are the Savior And you take brokenness aside And make it beautiful Beautiful
I am growing. I need to remember that. Even as I fail over and over again, I need to remember that I fail for different reasons each time. That is a good thing to remember. Because, if I don't remember it, I will pretty certainly fall into a depression caused by my inability to keep from doing things that I know hurt someone that I love. Even despite the fact that she does not feel hurt, that does not keep me from recognizing the hurt that is there anyways; though it does allow me to deal with it without the fear that my weakness toward her hidden desires causes her to hate me.
Even so, I still worry that things will fall apart again. I know the difficulty that will come, that cannot be avoided as we are now, and that is likely to happen just because it can. I have noticed that I have been unconsciously "making memories", as though I expect these things to be necessary for the future. This worries me. The last time this happened was right before she left last time. I remember knowing that it was coming and something in me just wanted to do something meaningful before it all ended. This time I can't tell if it is going to end, which I try to tell myself is a good sign since I am generally skilled at seeing the bad and if I don't see it in some way than it is likely not bad, but really I don't know if I would be capable of bearing this bad and accepting it rationally if it was presented to me. Being with her makes me feel less like a freak, less like the monster in an old black-and-white movie that causes the townsfolk to run in terror; more like a real person who can give and live without having to hide for it. After what happened with my last friend who could understand, I am really weak in that area. I don't know what to do about this weakness. I need to know that it is ok to be what I am and that I won't be rejected because of it. I don't know how to find that and most of my experiences tell me the exact opposite. All I know is that I want to try to leave her with something worth having and keeping even if I myself am not that something. Something makes me feel like that /should/ be wrong, that I should want and expect something for myself as well; but it still feels like a choice between someone pursuing someone else's happiness and desiring something that cannot ever be expected to be true. I want to believe that good can happen to me and not disappear, but I just can't do that yet. So instead I will at least try to live like this is true, as I know it is and should be, and try to make it true for others until I can bring myself to believe it.
As for Girl A, I have already given her experiences that she will never forget and shown her as much love and concern as I possibly can. I will continue this as long as I am allowed for as long as it is in any way possible, even as I try to give better things and less broken things than I have been giving. That really is all I can do.
Nothing happened. It was tuesday night (11/12) and we were hanging out and things didn't go bad. It is a big thing to me but not really to most anyone else. I stopped things once or twice, and so did she; and that fact, that it was by both of us, makes me almost as happy as the very fact that it was done in the first place. I did everything I could, but leaving was still too much for me. So instead I did nothing, and she ended up staying over all night when she fell asleep, and then I dozed off too. After we both woke up things got really bad, but this time she stopped things. I could tell how hard it was for her, but she still did it. Instead we ended up talking. It was nice, a lot of important things were said and I learned a lot. I think the fact that we were able to talk so openly despite things not progressing was another good think to know and to reconfirm for my own peace of mind. We managed to go over the set period of time (the time for the entire cycle of the physical act) and, while things have lost their momentum, the relationship itself and mutual concern still remains strong. That was another thing that I really needed to know. The results made it easier yesturday, another good thing that was expected but hadn't happened yet before. It all is so good, I wish I could talk about it more with others. But, yeah, I can't; so I post it here. That is what I do, I guess.
I had a test that I needed to pass twice (I think). The first time around it took me a while to even start (a minor failure), but I did pass. The second time I got through the first two steps but never could finish the third without help. I can tell that I am on the edge of both getting better and worse and I have a hard time knowing which way I am moving. Lord, please help me, because I very much cannot do it on my own. Even what I have of success only came due to help and direction that I had been given, though I even have trouble knowing if there is real growth. I think so. I hope so. I also hope that I am not being too forward in reaching out for something good, though that may or may not be true in multiple ways. I think that I am a messed up human and that is only now realizing just how messed up I really am. That is a really hard thing to face, a really hard thing to get past. I don't want to be messed up but I am anyway. I hate that thing in me, the failure and weakness, but I am unable to just "be" better like I might want. I have to grow and I see how I need help to do it. Lord, please clense me of the guilt from my broken actions and protect those I care for from my mistakes, both them and those they care for as well (and any others who might be hurt). Please, Lord. And thank you for listening.
First, let me say that I feel like I really need to get a life. Most of this post is about Girl A, and that seems somewhat unbalanced. Not to say that other stuff didn't happen without her, just that most of those things end up relating to her in some way or another.
Monday morning (October 8th), after I got home from working at the grocery store, I went to sleep and ended up oversleeping for my 5pm shift at the fast food place. The sleeping pills seem to cause me to be out for upward of 10 hours at a stretch, not good. When I finally got there I found that Girl A was having a really tough day where basically everything was going wrong. Despite being late showing up I ended up having to clock out early in order to help keep labor costs low, yet things were still busy the entire night simply because so many things kept falling apart. It didn't help that we had two new people working or that one of them had completely lost her confidence thanks to working with the coworker from before. Eventually we were able to talk and I found out why things were going so wrong. Apparently the night before she had realized, and then spoken out loud, her feelings for me. Apparently also this is not the first time that this has happened, the last time she came to admit her feelings was accompanied by a rash of bad luck too. I knew that I cared for her, even to the point of love, but it wasn't until the next day (when I was called in for work due to a shortage of staff) that I came to realize just how strongly I felt. I care for her more than I can live up to. I know that I cannot be good or strong enough to be there for her in the way that I might otherwise wish I could. I am only human but she deserves more than myself yet, without God, all I can truly give her is myself and what from God that can be filtered through myself. Eventually I spoke with her by text on wednesday and that helped a lot. Not only did it help me to remember the good that I could do and the fact that I didn't need to be perfect, but it also helped me see how much God had already prepared me to be there for her and how that she was good for me as well. For the first time in a long time I no longer was driven by my emotions to say "I'm sorry" over and over, possibly for the first time even, this time I was instead driven to say "thank you". I have also come to be able to see some real actual good in the future; I now know that good would come after the destruction if I were to be with her too early, so long as we stick it out. I can't tell you what it is like to see good and to know that there is more good that my basic weakness is not great enough to overcome. That is not to say that there is not more good if I were to wait, only that good in this does not entirely depend on me.
My relationship with Girl A has also been causing a lot of stress because I did not know where to draw the line on it. I always worry that what I am doing, be it giving her a hug or just joking around, may be partially crossing a line. This tress, coupled with desire and such, has caused me to mess up in other areas; especially since I am still close to her despite this. This came to a head on friday (the 12th) when a younger guy at work saw us hugging and then became depressed about his own lack of romantic attachments. I later talked to my X-Girlfriend about it (she came in to see me at work and met girl A) and she was a lot more supportive than I would have expected. She was also worried that her current boyfriend's jealousy might be true, though in truth our relationship is over. The biggest advice that she gave was to talk to Girl A about it. I didn't get a chance to speak with her till Saturday. In the end I helped clear some stuff up for myself, though the entire thing isn't yet settled. I know, at least, that neither of us are directly trying to cross that line and that we both are working toward something better. Even so, I still have questions since it probably doesn't look good from the outside and the desire to cross that line is definitely there (which could easily lead to one or both of us lying to ourselves in order to justify crossing it), but knowing that our hearts are in the right place is very very good.
Where to start. A lot has happened and the interactions between the things are so complex as to make speaking topically a bit difficult. In addition some things have happened that seem to fit in no-where (such as Girl A's familiar-type-thing trying to track me down and other such things, or a bunch of dead and dying crickets showing up all over the place, or things still showing up in the space between sleep and dreams, or God giving me some words for my X-Girlfriend), but most of these secondary things have little importance to the overall flow of things and so I will pretty much have to ignore them for sake of coherence.
The first big thing happened on Sunday night. A customer tried to push me into doing something at work that I wasn't supposed to do and I fell apart. And I did it in front of the co-worker who had been upset about Girl A and I, who had also threatened me if I were to go to work when she was there. This was distressing partially because it had the potential to get me fired. The real reason it was so distressing was because I had not realized that I was so tired. In the talk that happened afterward the coworker told me that Girl A had told her boyfriend that I had a crush on her, that it hadn't been the co-worker who had told him. This upped my stress level a lot, why would she tell him something like that considering how he had been before in terms of cutting off contact against all threats? The other thing that had happened was that I looked "forward" and saw that he was going to try to make her do it again. I didn't know what the results would be, but I was worried now not only for her sake but also for my own. I had seen this earlier and had decided to try to tell her to make the decision that would protect herself, as opposed to worrying about me, but now hearing that she had been so casual about causing problems made it look like she was just using me to get attention (something that multiple people had suggested was happening). I didn't sleep well that night and on Monday (October 1st) I tried talking to her about it after work. There was yelling and lies, she didn't take my request that there be something that I could use to prove that things were different well. I didn't even get to talk to her about what I had really wanted to talk to her about, making sure that she knew that she didn't have to worry about leaving me behind if the choice came to that but that she should do what was best for herself. Later on I went home and had a party/get-together with some of my friends, despite how depressed I was. And then I got a call from the grocery store saying that I was supposed to have gone to work on Sunday night and that I was in big trouble for not showing and not calling in. I hadn't known I was supposed to work, my schedule hadn't changed for as long as I had kept checking it and my co-workers told me that their schedules were pretty much always the same. I couldn't have gone in if I had wanted to, my other job had me till almost midnight on sunday and then starting at 8am on monday which would have made working from 10pm to 7am impossible for multiple reasons (my horrible lack of sleep being made worse was only one of them). When my alarm went off for jail prayer I ended up just going out into my car and crying because I realized that, even if I had wanted to go (which I kinda did and kinda didn't) I didn't have the strength to do so. My friends were still there for me however they could, especially my one friend the cook, but I still went to bed feeling horrible.
The next morning I was still feeling horrible about everything, especially the idea that I might be so unimportant and lowly that someone I cared for might think of me as nothing but "someone who gives her attention and who can be used to manipulate her boyfriend" or the fact that it was more important to me to be sure that she would be taken care of even despite how it might affect me. I know I need to care more about myself, but most often I just don't know how and other things seem more important. I prayed to God for strength, even though I was too messed up to really even hear him, and went on with my day. Within about an hour I was ok and even though I wasn't able to hear as clearly as I sometimes do I did have my answer. God told me to not worry, that he would take care of me and that I should just do good and let Him be concerned with taking care of me. Things went a lot better when I was able to talk to Girl A again and I was able to tell her what I had wanted to say before. She didn't seem to understand that anything might happen at all and almost seemed insulted by the idea that anything might happen, but at least things were calmed down and I was ok with how things were.
The next day (wensday the 3d) the only things of importance happened was at church. First, God clarified some things with me about how life and how to live it, second I found out that one of my friends from church was having some problems from taking some bad medication and so I started praying for her and sending some extra energy her way.
The next morning I had the dream referred to in my last post, that screwed me up for most of the day. And then I got a series of texts from Girl A, who was sick in bed. Then I went to work overnight. The next morning, before I went home to bed, I stopped by the fast-food place on my way home and saw Girl A. She looked bad and obviously was only barely feeling up to work. I tried to do what I could to help her feel better, but I wasn't able to get through. After a couple attempts it became clear that her barriers were preventing me from doing much for her. At that I decided to go home and worry about it later, since my only other option would be to break through her defenses. Earlier, on the 26th (sunday) I had found that my X-girlfriend was feeling better after I had prayed for her, and then this sunday (october 7th) I found out that the woman from church that I had sent energy to was feeling better as well. Then, during the service, a guy started having seizures. Apparently there was a bundle in his brain that was doing a feedback loop, though it wasn't particularly hard to fix. After that he started fainting and I went back in to take care of the thing that had triggered the seizure and then tried making him faint when its old tool was gone. All of this seemed to remind me that I could do good. But the question I had was why I couldn't get through to Girl A. I talked with her about it later that day. I had mentioned that I wanted to ask her something and she suggested that I come see her at work. After she got out of work we ended up talking and walking right up to the point when I had to leave for Prison (I'm a volunteer chaplain). It was fun, but mostly I learned a lot about how she cared for me. It also became clear that the reason why I wasn't able to help her, despite being able to help others, is that she was still blocking me out. She makes a noise like she is loud and brash, but there are times when it is easy to see just how timid she actually is. It isn't like I can say much, I use bravado at times to hide the fact that I can be so overwhelmed that I can barely see myself amid the confusion. Even so, it makes me sad to know that I can't help her in that way, especially since there are things so much bigger than "a cold" that I wish I could help her with.
I need to write this out so that it stops messing with my head, I also need to remember to do more regular updates later.
I had a dream that seemed to be a normal dream, no other spiritual influences and I don't even think it was prophetic (though it was a while since I had one, so I don't know), I wasn't even lucid till the end of it. In it Girl A (a figment, almost certainly a stand-in) reached down and started fellatio. I didn't actually feel it, I'm not sure if that was my mind censoring things or if I was just overcome by the shock and unbelief at the whole thing. Afterward my mind gave some thought to what she was doing to clean up, but that only lasted a moment. Then I reached over and held onto her and tried not to cry. That was the end of the dream. I have known a lot of girls. More than a few of them have wanted things sexual from me. But not one of them has ever been concerned with my fulfillment in that area. It isn't that they were unconcerned with me or my wellbeing, only that the feeling of that sort of desire led them to seek self-satisfaction and be unconcerned with me, except for the concern that was unrelated to the desire or the concern that was seen as necessary for the continued fulfillment of their own desire.
That dream has been messing with me all day. I don't know what to think of it. Should I embrace the idea that this sort of desire might be possible in someone else? Or how should I deal with the despair that comes from the recognition that this is not real and that I may never find anyone who is like that toward me? It is easy enough to just say that it doesn't matter, that I shouldn't be concerned with the fact that my importance to others is so much lower than the feelings that they have, but it is hard to hold onto those beliefs in the acceptability of being personally disregarded in such a fundamental way when confronted with a picture of what it would be like to have someone who does value you in that way. The fact that it was Girl A in the dream didn't make things any simpler either, especially after the decision that I made earlier this week. Not to mention the fact that she has a boyfriend/fiance, especially since I have decided to try to support him however I can so long as it seem she might be happy and cared for by him. I think the best thing is to discount her appearance as that she was simply a convenient person to put into that place.
Hopefully having written it out will make it less overwhelming.
I feel like I should write. If only to keep track so that I can try to make sense of things, I feel like I need to write. I know this isn't important to anyone but me, but that should still be enough to write. So, despite not feeling like anything, I will write.
Last time I had decided to do something because I knew that problems were going to be coming. I prayed about it that day and night and finally decided to do it. What I did was design and put something together that would cause all spiritual attacks and draining attempts to impact myself instead. It was probably dumb and stupid, much like when my X tried to do the same, but I am a lot stronger and I got into it knowing what I was doing and did not attempt it before getting guidance. I learned some about the demons that do attack her, most of which I had already known about but some was new. Thursday was a long day because of it. By friday I stopped, after making sure she was ok, but I was also starting to get sick, probably due to a combination of overexertion and attacks from the day before. I felt weak for not being able to carry her burdens the way I might want to. I also couldn't sleep well.
Also starting on thursday I started listening to some songs and realized that, in a lot of ways, I'm still interacting with others the way I used to before in terms of hiding things from them. By saturday it had come to a head with the issue of how I was hiding what I knew about how the connection with Girl A had broken. I thought of waiting till monday, but decided to try going in and talking with her on saturday instead. I didn't know what was going to happen but kinda expected her to get angry or to try to find out more about the other person who had helped me in order to be mad at them, though I expected it was more likely that something worse would happen than I could expect. It turned out that she wasn't extremely upset and already knew most of what I told her. After that we took a walk, and she got stung by bees; but I wasn't very outgoing because I still didn't know how to relate to her. She seems to like me as a person and like spending time around me, but I have no reason to believe that I am anything more to her than someone who makes her happy but can be disposed of anytime it becomes inconvenient. I care for her and want to see good things happen, but I also know that nothing can happen romantically and I have no reason to believe that she won't abandon me again once things become difficult. It makes me think there must be something wrong with me, that I would care so much for someone who can discard me so easily. But, at this point, things are what they are. I care and I know in the most painful of ways that nothing will make me stop caring for her.
Unfortunately, when I was helping out later on Friday, before going to my second job at Wal-Mart, she was in a giddy mood and was a bit huggy. One of our co-workers, who describes Girl A as her "best friend", saw it and decided that she needed to put a stop to the "fraternization". She did this by telling Girl A all about how bad she was acting, and doing it in front of Girl A's boyfriend. Yes, this is the same boyfriend who had her cut off contact with me, and Girl A's family, and then cut off contact with her family again once they had started to reconnect. This is the same boyfriend who is the one that gives her rides to and from work and is likely the sole other person in her household that pays for regular expenses. She also threatened to tell the site manager and threatened that my influence would get Girl A fired if I showed up during her shift. But of course, she did this all in the name of "friendship", so she feels justified. This is despite the fact that I left at 8 and that the behavior lasted at least 4 hours after I was gone and despite the fact that I have seen her act similarly with others (the first time I came in to interview for this job she jumped on a certain co-worker in front of the manager). When I saw her boyfriend later on tuesday (after Girl A and my mutual shift had ended) it was obvious that he wasn't happy. I had been hoping that he was different and had changed from how he was before, but now I decided to "look forward" to see what would happen. What I found was that he is going, at some point, to try to do the same thing again. I don't know the outcome but I do know that it will be difficult. So now I am even less sure how to be around her. I'm not sure how well I could take getting close to her again just to have her leave again. I know, I have abandonment issues. But knowing doesn't make things any easier.
My prayer life is good and I seem to be moving forward with each day bringing new direction just as I need it. I know that I should not force myself to overexertion nor expect myself to be able to take on every challenge that makes itself avalable. I also believe, though prayer, that it is not wrong for me to care for Girl A. I have also learned and seen a lot of stuff that I can't all write out. I still don't know what the buzzing in my soulder is, my best guess is extra energy congregating, so I will try to do the best with it that I can.
Wow... Four days since my last post and I already have enough for another one. On sunday night I accidentally left my phone in my car, and missed a call in to work on monday morning. It seems to be a pattern that whenever I loose my phone for more than an hour something happens where I need my phone. I finally realized that something happened when I found my phone and saw that there were a bunch of missed calls that came from 3 different numbers. I tried calling each of them back; the first was from work, the second didn't pick up, but the third was from Girl A (apparently my work had been trying to get to me however they could). From there my accidental phone call to Girl A broke out into a conversation, one that continued for over an hour (I'm not sure how long it was total). During that conversation I appologized for not wanting more for her and she appologized for how everything fell apart. I also got to know a lot more about what happened and why. In the end her explanations were almost exactly what I expected but it helped a lot to know that she knew what was going on and recognized her part in it. Although she still doesn't seem to realize that some of the spiritual beings that she associated with before were not her friends, her current behavior seems to rely much less on outside help to get things done. While I know that some of the beings were directly connected with her, such as the familiars that she had to protect a certain grove, this makes me wonder how much of the other stuff was not actually connected with her but rather to her and working on its own initiative. I have always known that a lot of it was working without her knowledge or influence, but what happened next made me wonder if more were independent than I had originally thought. I also figured out a pretty major piece of one of her puzzles, one that I'm fairly certain she assumes I know nothing about (specifically having to do with the soul-tie that had been formed).
The next day I ended up seeing her again when I went to work to catch up on some non-required reading. She was working and we ended up spending a lot of time together during her break and in passing. We were, almost immediately, relating to each other almost exactly as we were before in terms of closeness. But now we were able to both be a lot more honest about things, especially the weirdness that we both experience. It was nice. Our weirdnesses differ in certain ways, but they are also very similar in other ways. The small thing of being able to wrap my arms around her and hold her means more to me than I know how to describe. The truth is that, even though I know that we still cannot be together as we are, I still love her and would do nearly anything to be there for her and protect her. That was a relaxing day.
The next day, wednesday, I was called in to work in the morning while she was there. The two differences between then and the night before was that Girl A was less relaxed (probably significantly because of fatigue and caffeine) and there was a lot of spiritual influence going on. Unlike last time around, when they were trying to get us together, this time they seem actively determined to pull us apart. One of my angels, the one that stays nearest to me, was even concerned about how much of it there was. My choice then became to pull away from Girl A for no other reason than because of the demons, or to stay despite them and deal with what was happening. I did offer to try to help in any way I could, but I also knew that God had given me strong protection for a reason and that I should trust Him rather than be intimidated. I spent a good bit of time there with her before driving her home when she was done with work. She didn't want to at first, we both seemed to know that something was going to try to wreck my car if I took her back (which was surprising, I'm not used to anyone else knowing) but, when the incident happened at a blind corner, God protected me. I also knew that something was going to happen the next day (thursday) and wasn't sure what to do about it at first. After some prayer for guidance, and guidance granted, I chose to move forward. More on that later, though, since I have to get ready for work right now.
My X-Girlfriend, in a turn that I should and did know was coming but was still surprising when I saw it, didn't really have too much of a problem dealing with the attack once she knew to confront it. It wasn't that she was particularly powerful or capable, she really isn't, the thing that made her able to get through it was how she was connected with God. I had known this, and this was one of the things that allowed me to date her without worrying that it would lead to her being too badly hurt, but it was still good to see it with my own eyes. I had put up something to help soften the blow to protect her and yet, while this helped, it soon became clear that it was unneeded. There was also a ~30% reduction in the power of the thing, though it was not enough to negate the effect or explain what happened next (I do wonder if Girl A had anything to do with it, as I had mentioned it to her and she had spoken about doing something) I resolved to keep track to make sure that things didn't get worse as my defense went through its planned fading. Even after it was completely gone on thursday, she remained fine. I wonder if I even needed to give her the help or if she would have been fine without it.
Meanwhile I had other things on my plate. Due to confusion about what to do about Girl A, I had some trouble focusing as well as difficulty knowing how to act around her. She had said that the reason why she had left me was that I had said something bad about her on facebook, so I tried to find it to know what it was that I said. But after coming up without success at that task, I started to think about something else; why hadn't she just spoken to me about it and let me explain or let me change, and what was there to keep her from abandoning me again? Then there was everything else that was going on that she seemed to conveniently forget about; the incident with reporting her mother, the "talk" that she and her boyfriend had had where "they had talked, and she had agreed, that this was the best thing to do", not to mention the subsequent abandonment of her sisters. She noticed that I was troubled, but I wasn't able to really focus on or get that part out. I ended up seeing her later on tuesday out of a weird coincidence and had a friendly conversation that made me hurt to think about the fact that I could very well be building a friendship for no other purpose than for it to die. Then wendnesday came around and everything fell apart. My car insurance had just run out and added a charge, but then my phone refused to turn on, my rent suddenly came due early, I missed a work oppertunity, I failed with the stress a couple times, and at least one other thing fell apart that I can't think of now.
On thursday afternoon after my defense on my X-girlfriend had fallen I checked her to ensure that she really was ok without my assistance. On thursday night she decided to ask God to have the things that were attacking me attack her instead in order to give me a break. I understand her motives in wanting to help, but I had already told her about the power of some of the things that attack me contstantly that were simply too much for her. The only things that transfered to her were some of the legwork annoyance demons, the higher and more powerful things stayed where they were (by the grace of God). Even so within one day they managed to throw her into a depression, anger, nearly fail her in one class, and mess up her sleep schedule. I didn't find out till after she had gone through a day of it, and helped to both defend her and get the things off of her. I thank God that he protected her from anything worse, especially some of the bigger things. I also hope that she now realizes that what I face truly is out of her legue and doesn't try to do something like that again.
Fryday was full of trouble, as those things that had fled to her came back in full force. Amazingly the cash register that I had been using at work was not short despite my many issues with payment, I do believe that counts as a miracle. I worked all day, and then couldn't get to sleep because of light and worries about Girl A, before heading to my other job two hours later. After work (which was with me in the wrong area doing thhe wrong thing according to what I had been told) I got an hours sleep before meeting up with "Her" who was in town. We had a good talk and I realized again that things would not have worked out with her. I also realized that I didn't wish the type of faith in God that I had on anyone because of what type of trouble it came with. It was only later that I realized that the trouble of some sort was still there, though less directed, even when I had avoided anything "weird". More to the point, being normal isn't always an option; people must choose instead how they must deal with their weirdness. Do they accept a faith in God like mine, and the trouble that comes with it, or do they take some other option? I repented of that attitude later, but it still seemed significant that I might hold others back, by way of not helping them forward, for fear of something that would happen weather I helped them or not.
On monday I had a scare because I had a dream with Girl A in it when I thought that should have been impossible (because I thought she wasn't going to be asleep. Tuesday I had another dream similar to the one the night before but it didn't seem to really be her. Later that day, though, I corrected my thoughts about the morning before and talked with her enough to confirm that it was her (though I still don't know if she is conscious of it). Later that day my rest was interrupted by some rather realistic half-dreams. These kept happening and by friday I was able to pin down that they were not 100% genuine, though I still don't know enough about them to be able to say what they are (just that they aren't completely real). That is pretty much that as far as that goes.
Meanwhile I started my second job and got called in for two more. I ended up having to miss he interviews, one I didn't care about because I remembered what the last one was like and realized that I could never work there and the other was one where I realistically had no chance at all of getting. At my wall-mart job I managed to make an impression, probably mostly good, on everyone who works the day shift including the general manager; too bad I am scheduled to work nights... Several things worked out to get me more hours at work, and this all worked well with what "schedule" I already had. I think I may have seen Girl A's boyfriend driving by my house. I'm also starting to see how different I am now that things have changed and I have changed and all of that. The general weirdness continues.
The biggest thing, though, is that my x-girlfriend seems to be being attacked again. It probably isn't the same coven that I scared off last time that was messing with her. We managed to confirm that the current party is attacking her to get at me, for the reason of "hope". My x-girlfriend has no idea what that means. I do, though. I also know the most likely reason why they would be trying to attack her to remove that hope. The simplest explanation is to look two paragraphs up. I know what Girl A was intended to be for me (at least by certain interested parties). I know how easily things could go bad under certain conditions. The dominoes are easy to recognize but very clearly there; though I don't know why most would have reason to see them fall. In addition we managed to confirm that my X-girlfriend does not know the parties (almost certainly probably people) who are doing it. I don't know if she knows of the parties, or much else, because we needed to stop.
This is less than a weeks worth of stuff and it already looks like more than most people go through is several months or more. It is strange, though. In the past I would look at all of this and say "why is this all happening all at once to me" or something similar. Now I just don't think that way at all. It isn't resignation either, though I don't really know how to describe it. It is just life the way life is as I move thorough it. Seeing this change is really something that seems like it should be strange, though it somehow isn't to me. That probably makes no sense at all, but whatever.
