Trying too hard.
I feel like I should write. If only to keep track so that I can try to make sense of things, I feel like I need to write. I know this isn't important to anyone but me, but that should still be enough to write. So, despite not feeling like anything, I will write.
Last time I had decided to do something because I knew that problems were going to be coming. I prayed about it that day and night and finally decided to do it. What I did was design and put something together that would cause all spiritual attacks and draining attempts to impact myself instead. It was probably dumb and stupid, much like when my X tried to do the same, but I am a lot stronger and I got into it knowing what I was doing and did not attempt it before getting guidance. I learned some about the demons that do attack her, most of which I had already known about but some was new. Thursday was a long day because of it. By friday I stopped, after making sure she was ok, but I was also starting to get sick, probably due to a combination of overexertion and attacks from the day before. I felt weak for not being able to carry her burdens the way I might want to. I also couldn't sleep well.
Also starting on thursday I started listening to some songs and realized that, in a lot of ways, I'm still interacting with others the way I used to before in terms of hiding things from them. By saturday it had come to a head with the issue of how I was hiding what I knew about how the connection with Girl A had broken. I thought of waiting till monday, but decided to try going in and talking with her on saturday instead. I didn't know what was going to happen but kinda expected her to get angry or to try to find out more about the other person who had helped me in order to be mad at them, though I expected it was more likely that something worse would happen than I could expect. It turned out that she wasn't extremely upset and already knew most of what I told her. After that we took a walk, and she got stung by bees; but I wasn't very outgoing because I still didn't know how to relate to her. She seems to like me as a person and like spending time around me, but I have no reason to believe that I am anything more to her than someone who makes her happy but can be disposed of anytime it becomes inconvenient. I care for her and want to see good things happen, but I also know that nothing can happen romantically and I have no reason to believe that she won't abandon me again once things become difficult. It makes me think there must be something wrong with me, that I would care so much for someone who can discard me so easily. But, at this point, things are what they are. I care and I know in the most painful of ways that nothing will make me stop caring for her.
Unfortunately, when I was helping out later on Friday, before going to my second job at Wal-Mart, she was in a giddy mood and was a bit huggy. One of our co-workers, who describes Girl A as her "best friend", saw it and decided that she needed to put a stop to the "fraternization". She did this by telling Girl A all about how bad she was acting, and doing it in front of Girl A's boyfriend. Yes, this is the same boyfriend who had her cut off contact with me, and Girl A's family, and then cut off contact with her family again once they had started to reconnect. This is the same boyfriend who is the one that gives her rides to and from work and is likely the sole other person in her household that pays for regular expenses. She also threatened to tell the site manager and threatened that my influence would get Girl A fired if I showed up during her shift. But of course, she did this all in the name of "friendship", so she feels justified. This is despite the fact that I left at 8 and that the behavior lasted at least 4 hours after I was gone and despite the fact that I have seen her act similarly with others (the first time I came in to interview for this job she jumped on a certain co-worker in front of the manager). When I saw her boyfriend later on tuesday (after Girl A and my mutual shift had ended) it was obvious that he wasn't happy. I had been hoping that he was different and had changed from how he was before, but now I decided to "look forward" to see what would happen. What I found was that he is going, at some point, to try to do the same thing again. I don't know the outcome but I do know that it will be difficult. So now I am even less sure how to be around her. I'm not sure how well I could take getting close to her again just to have her leave again. I know, I have abandonment issues. But knowing doesn't make things any easier.
My prayer life is good and I seem to be moving forward with each day bringing new direction just as I need it. I know that I should not force myself to overexertion nor expect myself to be able to take on every challenge that makes itself avalable. I also believe, though prayer, that it is not wrong for me to care for Girl A. I have also learned and seen a lot of stuff that I can't all write out. I still don't know what the buzzing in my soulder is, my best guess is extra energy congregating, so I will try to do the best with it that I can.
Last time I had decided to do something because I knew that problems were going to be coming. I prayed about it that day and night and finally decided to do it. What I did was design and put something together that would cause all spiritual attacks and draining attempts to impact myself instead. It was probably dumb and stupid, much like when my X tried to do the same, but I am a lot stronger and I got into it knowing what I was doing and did not attempt it before getting guidance. I learned some about the demons that do attack her, most of which I had already known about but some was new. Thursday was a long day because of it. By friday I stopped, after making sure she was ok, but I was also starting to get sick, probably due to a combination of overexertion and attacks from the day before. I felt weak for not being able to carry her burdens the way I might want to. I also couldn't sleep well.
Also starting on thursday I started listening to some songs and realized that, in a lot of ways, I'm still interacting with others the way I used to before in terms of hiding things from them. By saturday it had come to a head with the issue of how I was hiding what I knew about how the connection with Girl A had broken. I thought of waiting till monday, but decided to try going in and talking with her on saturday instead. I didn't know what was going to happen but kinda expected her to get angry or to try to find out more about the other person who had helped me in order to be mad at them, though I expected it was more likely that something worse would happen than I could expect. It turned out that she wasn't extremely upset and already knew most of what I told her. After that we took a walk, and she got stung by bees; but I wasn't very outgoing because I still didn't know how to relate to her. She seems to like me as a person and like spending time around me, but I have no reason to believe that I am anything more to her than someone who makes her happy but can be disposed of anytime it becomes inconvenient. I care for her and want to see good things happen, but I also know that nothing can happen romantically and I have no reason to believe that she won't abandon me again once things become difficult. It makes me think there must be something wrong with me, that I would care so much for someone who can discard me so easily. But, at this point, things are what they are. I care and I know in the most painful of ways that nothing will make me stop caring for her.
Unfortunately, when I was helping out later on Friday, before going to my second job at Wal-Mart, she was in a giddy mood and was a bit huggy. One of our co-workers, who describes Girl A as her "best friend", saw it and decided that she needed to put a stop to the "fraternization". She did this by telling Girl A all about how bad she was acting, and doing it in front of Girl A's boyfriend. Yes, this is the same boyfriend who had her cut off contact with me, and Girl A's family, and then cut off contact with her family again once they had started to reconnect. This is the same boyfriend who is the one that gives her rides to and from work and is likely the sole other person in her household that pays for regular expenses. She also threatened to tell the site manager and threatened that my influence would get Girl A fired if I showed up during her shift. But of course, she did this all in the name of "friendship", so she feels justified. This is despite the fact that I left at 8 and that the behavior lasted at least 4 hours after I was gone and despite the fact that I have seen her act similarly with others (the first time I came in to interview for this job she jumped on a certain co-worker in front of the manager). When I saw her boyfriend later on tuesday (after Girl A and my mutual shift had ended) it was obvious that he wasn't happy. I had been hoping that he was different and had changed from how he was before, but now I decided to "look forward" to see what would happen. What I found was that he is going, at some point, to try to do the same thing again. I don't know the outcome but I do know that it will be difficult. So now I am even less sure how to be around her. I'm not sure how well I could take getting close to her again just to have her leave again. I know, I have abandonment issues. But knowing doesn't make things any easier.
My prayer life is good and I seem to be moving forward with each day bringing new direction just as I need it. I know that I should not force myself to overexertion nor expect myself to be able to take on every challenge that makes itself avalable. I also believe, though prayer, that it is not wrong for me to care for Girl A. I have also learned and seen a lot of stuff that I can't all write out. I still don't know what the buzzing in my soulder is, my best guess is extra energy congregating, so I will try to do the best with it that I can.