Wanting to be "good".
First, let me say that I feel like I really need to get a life. Most of this post is about Girl A, and that seems somewhat unbalanced. Not to say that other stuff didn't happen without her, just that most of those things end up relating to her in some way or another.
Monday morning (October 8th), after I got home from working at the grocery store, I went to sleep and ended up oversleeping for my 5pm shift at the fast food place. The sleeping pills seem to cause me to be out for upward of 10 hours at a stretch, not good. When I finally got there I found that Girl A was having a really tough day where basically everything was going wrong. Despite being late showing up I ended up having to clock out early in order to help keep labor costs low, yet things were still busy the entire night simply because so many things kept falling apart. It didn't help that we had two new people working or that one of them had completely lost her confidence thanks to working with the coworker from before. Eventually we were able to talk and I found out why things were going so wrong. Apparently the night before she had realized, and then spoken out loud, her feelings for me. Apparently also this is not the first time that this has happened, the last time she came to admit her feelings was accompanied by a rash of bad luck too. I knew that I cared for her, even to the point of love, but it wasn't until the next day (when I was called in for work due to a shortage of staff) that I came to realize just how strongly I felt. I care for her more than I can live up to. I know that I cannot be good or strong enough to be there for her in the way that I might otherwise wish I could. I am only human but she deserves more than myself yet, without God, all I can truly give her is myself and what from God that can be filtered through myself. Eventually I spoke with her by text on wednesday and that helped a lot. Not only did it help me to remember the good that I could do and the fact that I didn't need to be perfect, but it also helped me see how much God had already prepared me to be there for her and how that she was good for me as well. For the first time in a long time I no longer was driven by my emotions to say "I'm sorry" over and over, possibly for the first time even, this time I was instead driven to say "thank you". I have also come to be able to see some real actual good in the future; I now know that good would come after the destruction if I were to be with her too early, so long as we stick it out. I can't tell you what it is like to see good and to know that there is more good that my basic weakness is not great enough to overcome. That is not to say that there is not more good if I were to wait, only that good in this does not entirely depend on me.
My relationship with Girl A has also been causing a lot of stress because I did not know where to draw the line on it. I always worry that what I am doing, be it giving her a hug or just joking around, may be partially crossing a line. This tress, coupled with desire and such, has caused me to mess up in other areas; especially since I am still close to her despite this. This came to a head on friday (the 12th) when a younger guy at work saw us hugging and then became depressed about his own lack of romantic attachments. I later talked to my X-Girlfriend about it (she came in to see me at work and met girl A) and she was a lot more supportive than I would have expected. She was also worried that her current boyfriend's jealousy might be true, though in truth our relationship is over. The biggest advice that she gave was to talk to Girl A about it. I didn't get a chance to speak with her till Saturday. In the end I helped clear some stuff up for myself, though the entire thing isn't yet settled. I know, at least, that neither of us are directly trying to cross that line and that we both are working toward something better. Even so, I still have questions since it probably doesn't look good from the outside and the desire to cross that line is definitely there (which could easily lead to one or both of us lying to ourselves in order to justify crossing it), but knowing that our hearts are in the right place is very very good.
(Place holder, for sunday stuff)
Monday morning (October 8th), after I got home from working at the grocery store, I went to sleep and ended up oversleeping for my 5pm shift at the fast food place. The sleeping pills seem to cause me to be out for upward of 10 hours at a stretch, not good. When I finally got there I found that Girl A was having a really tough day where basically everything was going wrong. Despite being late showing up I ended up having to clock out early in order to help keep labor costs low, yet things were still busy the entire night simply because so many things kept falling apart. It didn't help that we had two new people working or that one of them had completely lost her confidence thanks to working with the coworker from before. Eventually we were able to talk and I found out why things were going so wrong. Apparently the night before she had realized, and then spoken out loud, her feelings for me. Apparently also this is not the first time that this has happened, the last time she came to admit her feelings was accompanied by a rash of bad luck too. I knew that I cared for her, even to the point of love, but it wasn't until the next day (when I was called in for work due to a shortage of staff) that I came to realize just how strongly I felt. I care for her more than I can live up to. I know that I cannot be good or strong enough to be there for her in the way that I might otherwise wish I could. I am only human but she deserves more than myself yet, without God, all I can truly give her is myself and what from God that can be filtered through myself. Eventually I spoke with her by text on wednesday and that helped a lot. Not only did it help me to remember the good that I could do and the fact that I didn't need to be perfect, but it also helped me see how much God had already prepared me to be there for her and how that she was good for me as well. For the first time in a long time I no longer was driven by my emotions to say "I'm sorry" over and over, possibly for the first time even, this time I was instead driven to say "thank you". I have also come to be able to see some real actual good in the future; I now know that good would come after the destruction if I were to be with her too early, so long as we stick it out. I can't tell you what it is like to see good and to know that there is more good that my basic weakness is not great enough to overcome. That is not to say that there is not more good if I were to wait, only that good in this does not entirely depend on me.
My relationship with Girl A has also been causing a lot of stress because I did not know where to draw the line on it. I always worry that what I am doing, be it giving her a hug or just joking around, may be partially crossing a line. This tress, coupled with desire and such, has caused me to mess up in other areas; especially since I am still close to her despite this. This came to a head on friday (the 12th) when a younger guy at work saw us hugging and then became depressed about his own lack of romantic attachments. I later talked to my X-Girlfriend about it (she came in to see me at work and met girl A) and she was a lot more supportive than I would have expected. She was also worried that her current boyfriend's jealousy might be true, though in truth our relationship is over. The biggest advice that she gave was to talk to Girl A about it. I didn't get a chance to speak with her till Saturday. In the end I helped clear some stuff up for myself, though the entire thing isn't yet settled. I know, at least, that neither of us are directly trying to cross that line and that we both are working toward something better. Even so, I still have questions since it probably doesn't look good from the outside and the desire to cross that line is definitely there (which could easily lead to one or both of us lying to ourselves in order to justify crossing it), but knowing that our hearts are in the right place is very very good.
(Place holder, for sunday stuff)