Alas and alack
Apr. 29th, 2013 09:51 pmLast Monday, I started this draft:
So my bad weekend, two weeks back, turned into a bad week. It was pretty discouraging, but I got through it. It was just tiring and sad, and that kind of sad that actually physically hurts. But a day of doing absolutely nothing last Saturday helped me regain some equilibrium.
I had a pretty good day Saturday (thirfting joys = cardigan, spare sheets, fabric for two skirts, and belt all for less than $15) and started myself on smoothies for breakfasts, which are so fun and utterly delightful. But for some reason, I drooped and ended up in bed at 8, after dozing through Doctor Who. wtf? But yesterday was good, waking up early and having a great morning before a pretty good afternoon at work and a nice evening. And then today, I could go to sleep right now. Not so much with the exercise motivation or getting dressed motivation, despite being almost 65* and sunny. That's also discouraging. I am determined to try some new overnight recipes today, though, so we'll see how it goes. There might also be a nap.
And saying that, I totally laid down for about 45 minutes. Felt great, now tired again. So annoying. I went and made the overnight recipes, though, so that's something, and I'm feeling a little better.
I guess there's a few things kind of nagging at me. I'm feeling scattered, still so, this all is, too.
1. So, that rap brunch a few weeks ago. A week ago? The last time I posted. The last thing we discussed, and only briefly, was that it was winding down. Partially from lack of a push forward, partially from one member ditching us without explanation and two others going to spend significant portions of time in Africa and Iran. We came to a tentative agreement, with the suggestion that the June meeting be more of a goodbye thing than anything. And then radio silence. None of the ones who missed sent goals, no one wrote addressing the topic. I wondered, honestly, if everyone had just been discussing it amongst themselves, because most of them are friends outside the group. But I sent an email, framing it around explaining why I hadn't updated the blog, and one person has responded. It's kind of weird to think that the group is going to be done; it was hard, but I always enjoyed the people there and I liked being part of the group. I am sort of feeling like I don't even want to do the final meeting. I think it might be more awkward than anything for me.
So I'm a little sad about that, even as I am looking forward to using what I got from that group with others.
2. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks. Blagh. I like the plans I have set (pin up photoshoot and lunch with Liss the day before, and a fandom sleepover and afternoon tea/consignment store shopping with Meg on Friday/Saturday), but I'm still sort of dreading the annual reminder of everything I've not accomplished. It makes me so sad.
3. We talked about a bunch of things in therapy last week. One line of questions was about our new library director starting in May. I do have some reservations about him, but it also felt weird to talk about it with her, knowing that she's a local who uses the library a lot. But the main point of her questions was that it's potentially a big change at work, and change is never fun for me. It's true. I'm trying to not really focus on it until he's there and we see what it's like, but it is definitely a thing in my head. Work has kind of been like a safe place in my head, and I'm nervous about what is going to happen.
...And now it's a week later. I kept coming back to this draft, but I guess a lot of things are still mixed up in my head. I can't get it straight yet.
This past Friday, I was driving up to my parents' and I was about 40 minutes into the drive when I tried to accelerate and there was resistance - it was revving like crazy, but barely going at all. I turned onto a side street as soon as I could to try and restart and see what was happening. It kept happening, so I had to turn back around, pretty freaked out. And then I realized my speedometer was staying at zero even as I drove about 30pmh. After about ten minutes, it started fluttering up to where it ought to have been, and then eventually worked properly again. I'm pretty worried. I was hoping it was something simple like a lead or something with the vacuum hose, which causes weird idling and accelerating issues, but the car place I called said it sounded like the transmission. Which, no, okay? No. I'm going to call my old place in the morning - the same guy has worked on it all 15 years I've had it, so I am hoping he has other ideas. If only it wasn't half an hour away. :/ But I have less than 70,000 miles on it! How can the transmission be failing? I'm so stressed.
I'm still on my smoothie kick. I think I lost a pound or two on it. I'm trying to focus on how much I enjoy the smoothies, though, and that's the main thing. (Also, almond milk is way better than skim milk, and half the calories! And not dairy, so not allergy aggravating! Good things to learn.) Somehow, I got all twisted up in my body image again. For the past few weeks/months, I've mostly only seen it as something that needs to be fixed and is wrong and bad again. Is it really possible that I undid every bit of good superbetter helped me with, in under a year? I can't think anything positive when I see myself in the mirror or on my blog again, it's all bits I don't like. Why is that? I think I calorie counted too long this past time. I tried to catch myself, but I didn't. I'm back to trying to minimize food and celebrating when I skip or don't want to eat. Now I have to rethink everything again? It makes me sad. Everything is making me sad.
Except the fact that it's finally spring. We hit 75 today, 80 tomorrow, and just check this tree from my lunchtime walk:
Plus the vine. I loved that guy playing the guitar in the park, he was great. And the guy photographing the tree was hilarious - we kept running into each other, and he asked me to take pics of him each time - after setting up the shot and giving me strict instructions on how it should look, hee.
So my bad weekend, two weeks back, turned into a bad week. It was pretty discouraging, but I got through it. It was just tiring and sad, and that kind of sad that actually physically hurts. But a day of doing absolutely nothing last Saturday helped me regain some equilibrium.
I had a pretty good day Saturday (thirfting joys = cardigan, spare sheets, fabric for two skirts, and belt all for less than $15) and started myself on smoothies for breakfasts, which are so fun and utterly delightful. But for some reason, I drooped and ended up in bed at 8, after dozing through Doctor Who. wtf? But yesterday was good, waking up early and having a great morning before a pretty good afternoon at work and a nice evening. And then today, I could go to sleep right now. Not so much with the exercise motivation or getting dressed motivation, despite being almost 65* and sunny. That's also discouraging. I am determined to try some new overnight recipes today, though, so we'll see how it goes. There might also be a nap.
And saying that, I totally laid down for about 45 minutes. Felt great, now tired again. So annoying. I went and made the overnight recipes, though, so that's something, and I'm feeling a little better.
I guess there's a few things kind of nagging at me. I'm feeling scattered, still so, this all is, too.
1. So, that rap brunch a few weeks ago. A week ago? The last time I posted. The last thing we discussed, and only briefly, was that it was winding down. Partially from lack of a push forward, partially from one member ditching us without explanation and two others going to spend significant portions of time in Africa and Iran. We came to a tentative agreement, with the suggestion that the June meeting be more of a goodbye thing than anything. And then radio silence. None of the ones who missed sent goals, no one wrote addressing the topic. I wondered, honestly, if everyone had just been discussing it amongst themselves, because most of them are friends outside the group. But I sent an email, framing it around explaining why I hadn't updated the blog, and one person has responded. It's kind of weird to think that the group is going to be done; it was hard, but I always enjoyed the people there and I liked being part of the group. I am sort of feeling like I don't even want to do the final meeting. I think it might be more awkward than anything for me.
So I'm a little sad about that, even as I am looking forward to using what I got from that group with others.
2. My birthday is coming up in a few weeks. Blagh. I like the plans I have set (pin up photoshoot and lunch with Liss the day before, and a fandom sleepover and afternoon tea/consignment store shopping with Meg on Friday/Saturday), but I'm still sort of dreading the annual reminder of everything I've not accomplished. It makes me so sad.
3. We talked about a bunch of things in therapy last week. One line of questions was about our new library director starting in May. I do have some reservations about him, but it also felt weird to talk about it with her, knowing that she's a local who uses the library a lot. But the main point of her questions was that it's potentially a big change at work, and change is never fun for me. It's true. I'm trying to not really focus on it until he's there and we see what it's like, but it is definitely a thing in my head. Work has kind of been like a safe place in my head, and I'm nervous about what is going to happen.
...And now it's a week later. I kept coming back to this draft, but I guess a lot of things are still mixed up in my head. I can't get it straight yet.
This past Friday, I was driving up to my parents' and I was about 40 minutes into the drive when I tried to accelerate and there was resistance - it was revving like crazy, but barely going at all. I turned onto a side street as soon as I could to try and restart and see what was happening. It kept happening, so I had to turn back around, pretty freaked out. And then I realized my speedometer was staying at zero even as I drove about 30pmh. After about ten minutes, it started fluttering up to where it ought to have been, and then eventually worked properly again. I'm pretty worried. I was hoping it was something simple like a lead or something with the vacuum hose, which causes weird idling and accelerating issues, but the car place I called said it sounded like the transmission. Which, no, okay? No. I'm going to call my old place in the morning - the same guy has worked on it all 15 years I've had it, so I am hoping he has other ideas. If only it wasn't half an hour away. :/ But I have less than 70,000 miles on it! How can the transmission be failing? I'm so stressed.
I'm still on my smoothie kick. I think I lost a pound or two on it. I'm trying to focus on how much I enjoy the smoothies, though, and that's the main thing. (Also, almond milk is way better than skim milk, and half the calories! And not dairy, so not allergy aggravating! Good things to learn.) Somehow, I got all twisted up in my body image again. For the past few weeks/months, I've mostly only seen it as something that needs to be fixed and is wrong and bad again. Is it really possible that I undid every bit of good superbetter helped me with, in under a year? I can't think anything positive when I see myself in the mirror or on my blog again, it's all bits I don't like. Why is that? I think I calorie counted too long this past time. I tried to catch myself, but I didn't. I'm back to trying to minimize food and celebrating when I skip or don't want to eat. Now I have to rethink everything again? It makes me sad. Everything is making me sad.
Except the fact that it's finally spring. We hit 75 today, 80 tomorrow, and just check this tree from my lunchtime walk:
Plus the vine. I loved that guy playing the guitar in the park, he was great. And the guy photographing the tree was hilarious - we kept running into each other, and he asked me to take pics of him each time - after setting up the shot and giving me strict instructions on how it should look, hee.
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