Tonight is going to be one of the suckiest nights in my life I think. well. probably not as bad as when Papaya died.
I had this grand plan to break up with Josh next monday, since our 3 month is Saturday. That would give us time to not be awkward just barely broken up when Youth Conference comes around. Also it wouldn't be immediately after or before. And we'd get that milestone.
but today he told me that yesterday, with his brother, he wrote a song for me. On the guitar, which he's just sort of learning. Which he wants to serenade me with on our anniversary.
Stab me in the heart with a freaking spoon.
I called my sister to ask her advice, and she said it would be best to get it done ASAP, which is tonight, since we have a date. Now I'm frantically trying to find people to go to Iron Man with us, because I don't think I could sit next to him alone with this on my mind. If someone else was there, I could just enjoy the movie (I'm going to pay for myself. Just have no excuse for that yet.) and talk to him when he drops me off.
This would be so much easier if he was a jerk. And if he didn't like me so fiercely.
I'm not entirely certain I ever blogged that I was going to NYC. I did!! We left Saturday and I just got back yesterday around Midnight. Went with a lot of kids from art.
Right now I am majorly bummed. Mostly from being home, and not in the city. Goll I love New York. I want to live there so badly. but it's ridiculously expensive so I'm going to have to wait until I come into some serious money.
It was an AMAZING trip- we went to four art musuems, including spending almost an entire day in the Met, saw a fantastic off-broadway show, saw In the Heights (which IS broadway), saw Regis Philban. It was raining SO MUCH while we were there, so we didn't hang out much in the parks, but we went there, too. And we did so much more.
but I think I'm going to go call Josh and see if we can do something fun so I forget how sad I am to not still be there.
Considering how much I love home, this being bummed out shouldn't last long...
Today started of quite well. Really, it did...my piece in Drawing is coming along better than expected, I really like reading 1984, my genetics final was easy as heck...not too bad.
But today at lunch we were discussing the current bit of ~drama~ which was all we talked about on the bus, too, and I kept remembering Josh's face in math (he's the one with the ~drama~ this time) and how emo he was, so I got home kind of glummish. Then I was like "hur I'll be proactive and do college research" but my parents wanted to see my math test grade.
I thought I did okay. I really, honestly did. There was one section I totally just guessed on because I didn't learn it (expanding binomials...I know how to do it with two variables perfectly, but the test had three...whaaaat I had NO CLUE that was even POSSIBLE), but the rest wasn't that bad.
But NO. I got a D-. Probably the lowest D- I could get without actually failing...and I really, really needed to do very well on this test to help make up for the crap I've been doing in math lately. I HATE math.
So that put my mood just so sour I can't even describe it. But I figured I'd do my college stuff, and even though I guess it was fairly productive (I discovered none of my colleges require the SAT, emailed most of them about institute programs, and even cut out two!) that always puts me in a bad mood. It's not that I don't want to go to college...it's just that choosing one is so hard. And as I keep reading admission pages, I keep feeling like I'm not good enough for any of them. Even though I know I am. I feel like once I finally get over this stress and actually apply, the ones I apply for will all laugh at me and send me on my way.
Getting a 32 on the ACT looks really nice when I compare with one half of my friends...the ones scraping to get 28s, pleased with a 25, and otherwise keeping silent about their 19s or whatever they got. But then I look at the other half of my friends, getting 34s and 33s and being mad about it. AND 12s on their essay.
That's actually what pisses me off the most. I got a 9 on my first try, and it made me really mad. I'm supposed to be GOOD at essays. I ALWAYS have been good at essays, since the first essay I ever wrote. So I paid extra attention in all the classes and the books and everything to prepare for my second ACT. Got a 9. Again. And I realllllly don't want to take it again...but if I did, it would just be because I think a 9 is HORRIBLE. for me.
And my mom was so aghast at my math grade (we all were) that she gave me this whole "grr grr study for finals or I'll ground you" lecture that I know I deserve, but it's just so frustrating. I DID study. I stayed up late to study! I memorize formulas! I asked my friends for help! In fact, this unit, some people asked me for help!! I do my homework every night, and I do it correctly! And then there are kids that do none of the above. Ever. And they're the ones who pull out the A's on tests, and whine about how they missed a few points and how it's such a bad thing to get a B.
I intend on studying for finals until my fingers go raw. Our teacher gives us a list of problems and usually says "do these problems 3 times and I promise you'll get an A at least" and I intend on doing them at least five times. But y'know what? I'll probably FAIL the final. Since it seems the MORE I try in this stupid class, the WORSE I do.
And then, I'll turn in my college applications with my brilliant math grade and they'll just laugh even more.
so yeah. pissy mood. Not even these cookies are helping. >:[
also I stabbed myself in the gum/lip/area with my toothbrush yesterday. And it reaaally hurts. Why do I inflict pain in the stupidest ways?
I dunno why I dont' just make this entry private. I just like having an LJ as somewhere to tell things to people who aren't going to talk to me about it in person. A nice way to avoid adressing problems, yeah?
This morning, my best friend's brother and my brother's best friend died in a car accident. I've recovered amazingly since I got the news...I was a little hysterical at first.
Mike was in his early twenties...got married just two months before. His whole life he's been an example of exactly what a good person should be. He always brought a smile to everyone's faces with his kindness and never-ceasing humor. He was a little bit like a big brother to me, and I've missed him since he left home years ago. It's much worse, now.
He's touched more lives in his short life than most people do in the 80-90 years they get to live. He's lived such a wonderful, full life...but he could have accomplished so much more good for the world. The world he intended on taking over, speaking of which.
This isn't meant to honor him. Two paragraphs couldn't dare do that. I just wanted to post to explain why I may be quieter for a few days and won't be working on CoH with much fervor for possibly a week or so. It's harder for me to write without flipping out when something like this happens than most other things.
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