gaffsie, posts by tag: fail - LiveJournal

Today I learned that I could never cut it as a Disney princess. My reaction when seeing a mouse run inches away from my bare feet wasn't to sing a duet with it and charm it into making me a dress, it was to emit a loud shriek of girlish horror.

Living the stereotype!

The more I read it, the more I hate this stupid book. It's like it's written by someone who only knows SGA by description.

Ronon is a caveman.
Teyla is a Woman.
Rodney is Chandler Bing (actual quote: "Could you be any more cryptic?").
John is Captain Kirk.

The portrayal of John is what's bothering me the most so far. He talks too much (canon!John isn't exactly a mute, but he doesn't speechify), is too familiar with his men, and when he's with Rodney he only has two modes; smirking or giving orders.

The worst part so far is the way he acted with the woman who sidled up to him on Planet Decadence (more on why I dislike the way Wilson and Wacomber handles the setting later).

This passage starts at page 69, when the team has decided to mix with the locals. John has walked up to the bar, and then this happens:

"You must try the house wine." The voice was melodic, provocative, and it came from very close to his left ear.

"The grapes are organic, pressed between the soft pale thighs of virgins and lovingly bottled in crystal decanters."

Sheppard's eyebrow rose. He turned slowly to find himself face to face with a tall, slender woman in a very sheer evening gown. Her hair was dark with highlights that caught in the flickering glow of the room and trailed lazily back over her shoulders. Her eyes were wide and deep, glinting somewhere between blue and gray. She sipped from a graceful goblet and smiled at him over the rim..

"Are you one of the virgins?" Sheppard said. "Because if you are, I'll take two bottles."

"Are you one of the virgins?" Sheppard said. "Because if you are, I'll take two bottles."

"Are you one of the virgins?" Sheppard said. "Because if you are, I'll take two bottles."

"Are you one of the virgins?" Sheppard said. "Because if you are, I'll take two bottles."

I'm sorry, but what does Mr Smooth-talking Douchebag up there has to do with John Never-Sees-It-Coming Sheppard?

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When I ordered my copy of The Lost by Jo Graham and Amy Griswold, I also placed an order for Brimstone by David Niall Wilson and Patricia Lee Macomber.

Since Brimstone is number 15, and The Lost is number 17, I decided to start reading the former first. The Lost might be part of a series that I've already started reading, but it just feels wrong to read #17 before #15.

I've only reached page 32, but I'm already starting to regret buying this stupid book in the first place. The setting is okay. More appropriate for porn than action (seriously, this is the kind of thing fandom has produced countless NC-17 spins on already), what with the "strange sect of Ancients living beneath the surface, a sect devoted to decadence and debauchery for whom novelty is the only entertainment," but whatever.

That's not the problem. The fact that in the first 20 pages, three people have been described as slender isn't the problem either. It's repetitive, but at least Elizabeth Weir, John Sheppard and Richard Woolsey all fit that description. Honestly, the fact that Elizabeth is described exactly the same way as John Sheppard is just two pages later amused me a little ("slender dark-haired woman" vs "slender dark-haired officer"). I'm willing to let John being strangely touchy-feely with his men slide too. Maybe he sensed that Cumby needed him to be creepily paternal or something. ~hand-waves~

The problem is this: "I did a little more research last night," Cumby said as the gate began to spin.

THE PEGASUS GATES DON'T SPIN

Jesus Christ. If you don't know that, then you shouldn't be writing SGA novelizations in the first place.

Thank god the authors of The Lost has already proved that they actually took the time to watch the show before sitting down and writing for it, or I'd give up on these kinds of books.

I have forgotten how to count to ten in Spanish.

6 years of Spanish class and I would probably have better luck understanding German than Spanish at this point.

At least all those years of struggling through my Spanish lessons and getting by on bullshitting and my ability to conjugate verbs taught me one important and lasting lesson: What little language skills I might have had are gone, but I'll always remember what it feels like to to be teetering on the edge of a failing grade. I don't think I ever really understood what it was like to not breeze through school before that last year of Spanish when we finally got a teacher who was trained for the job. I had nightmares about Spanish class. NIGHTMARES. It gave me a whole new understanding for people like my brother, who no matter their smarts just can't cut it in school.

To move on to a happier subject, we've had three fabulous days of sga_santa. I'm really loving how many different pairings and genres are represented this year. There's something for everyone.

So far my absolute favourite is Welcome Home, which is a fantastic John/Teyla coda to The Return pt 2.

I also really enjoyed Not All About Life And Death (John/Radek), Trajectories of Two Moving Objects (John/Cam, with adorable scientist!John), and Truth Will Out (John/Ronon). No one's posted a John/Rodney or gen fic that's really captured my attention yet, but I have no doubt it will happen in the next couple of days.

Brought on by this mightily depressing post, here's a small growing picspam celebrating female characters that don't wait for Prince Charming to come to their rescue.

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Feel free to add your own examples of kick-ass female characters. Just remember that no damsels in distress are allowed. ;)

You know that song "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain? Until today, I thought the lyrics went "I can't believe you kissed your cousin Myra," when she's in fact singing "I can't believe you kiss your car goodnight."

Hard of hearing or just plain stupid? You decide.


How perfect would Voodoo be for a John/Chaya video? It's spot on, from the opening lines;

Something in the way you talk
maybe baby, just the way you walk
is shaking all the leaves out of the trees

(remember that ep? the way a mysterious wind ruffled John's hair and made the leaves scatter around, and how John forgot everything about Atlantis and duty and common sense in the face of Chaya's pretty smile?) and forward. It helps that Paul Gross is just as deliciously earnest as John is in his courtship of Chaya. She did a little seance! A black cat romance! She did a little sun dance! She did some voodoo, baby!

*tentative Paul Gross Arms*

It's an old post, but it's just so true: Nice Guys

Uh-oh

Maybe I'm just being a bitter old hag, but that sounds... pretty bad. :/

Hint: The answer is NO.