Asperger's Relationships

It's relieving to think that I might have found sanctuary by searching for this community. My thoughts have been a little overwhelming as of late so I apologize in advance for this post being a little random. Just... bear with me, if you can.

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I don't know if I have true Asperger's, my suspicion is no. But I do have a lot of Aspie characteristics, and have found support for AS people relevant to me as well. I've never really wanted or made friends, I misunderstand people's social expectations quite often, and I'm often described as "emotionless" by others.

A question to you all: Do you have the tendency to freeze up during discussions (particularly with a significant other) which are emotionally complex and/or especially charged. Arguments, complaints, expressions of extreme sadness...things like that. I find myself completely lacking the words to respond in situations like that, and it is cause for a lot of tension and heartbreak for me and my NT significant other. I find this is especially exacerbated when these discussions take place late at night, but unfortunately this is not really avoidable since it is the only real chance we get a chance to talk.

Any advice?

Hi everybody,
I've been in a (sometimes rocky!) relationship with a undiagnosed guy for the last six months, whom I'm pretty sure has AS.  His ex wife and son have been formally diagnosed.  We have encountered issues with rigid routines (more so re his young son than our free weekends) and my children not accepting him as they feel he is 'wierd'.  He also is extremely sensitive to criticism and we broke up for 1 1/2 weeks recently, as a result of his frustrations in my children not being openly accepting of him.... Even though they do speak to him politely and were very accommodating of his son (who has a very short attention span and can seem to be arrogant) when I minded him a few half days over a couple of school holidays.  They are generally accepting of him yet are very nervous that we may want to marry then we would all have to co-habitate.  He is sweet, caring, loves giving well-thought out gifts, is very affectionate and loves hugs, kisses and attention, (his ex wasn't spontaneous or affectionate at all).  So alot of the often problematic AS issues between partners don't seem to apply.  He also does act appropriately in different social situations - apart from a couple of one-liners, which I think were because he was nervous, a first meeting with a couple I know.

When we got back together, we agreed that we would relax about the kids and not stress them with social interactions between famlies.  Initially I had rejected this idea, when brought up by my boyfriend, as it seemed like denial of the situation's reality.  Now it seems like something which may help my kids get used to the new situation without causing too much more stress between us, for now.  His son took a little while to warm to me, but is now really relaxed, and really likes me and my kids, which makes things a little lop-sided.

I was also a little stressed as my ex husband was diagnosed with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and I saw that, at least clinically, there were similarities between the two neurological conditions.  I've figured out now, that people with AS often genuinely don't realise when they are being tactless or seem insensitive. - My ex husband seemed to revel in lying, manipulating and causing emotional pain. 

My boyfriend is very apologetic - and empathetic!  When I explain what he said about this or that was hurtful and why.  For the most part, he does seem to have alot of coping mechanisms and is quite chatty and well accepted socially by my friends.  Issues come up, though when people close to him don't understand why what he expects to happen, doesn't happen.  As those people don't regard his ideas as important as he does.  99% of the time, these are moral, ethical issues, so it's hard to disagree with him.  We just we don't always share the same level of annoyance over these things.  We talk alot about things, but he only accepts he has 'some AS traits, as do alot of people'.  He loves that I am a little artistic and very laid-back but he says he 'worries about me' (good-naturedly) when I don't seem to adhere to strict routines and time-lines for general day-to-day things.

I'm fairly sure that I am NT, but am starting to wonder if my Mum has some level of AS......  She and my Dad broke up 3yrs ago, for alot of mis-communication reasons which could be AS related.  Bit of a tangled web, really.

Has anyone seen the movie 'Adam'?  It looks heartfelt yet funny.  Don't bother seeing the animated 'Mary and Max' it really cut up my boyfriend (on behalf of his son's difficulties already in his first year of school) and was quite depressing, re AS!!

I would be interested in any comments people could share,
Thanks. 

 

In honor of Autism Awareness Day, a posting with links and videos for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer intersexual, asexual and queer allied autistic people the "double oppressed" minority.
http://queersunited.blogspot.com/2…

Well, this is my first post. I am in the early stages of a relationship with a man with Asperger's Syndrome. We met in my synagogue (he was visiting from out of town). I was very smitten by his looks, and other than an "odd" speech pattern, I didn't pick up on the fact that anything was amiss.

He's a Ph.D. student, and while reading his blog, I picked up on the fact that he had Asperger's. This was during the summer. While I found him to be charming and smart, I had no realistic expectations of sparking a romance. That and the few things I had read about Asperger's Syndrome pegged it as something to strange and to difficult to deal with. However, that sort of changed when he wrote a painful account of a break-up with his ex-girlfriend.

So to make a long story short, I expressed my sympathy and he retorted that when I write to him and when he thinks of me, I raise his spirits (he also suffers from depression). After many exchanged writings and phone calls, and another visit (he is 3 hours away from me) I learned and saw enough that he is a very, very special individual.

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Anyway, I apologize for my long-windedness. I look forward to this journey with a man I love very much who is on the autistic spectrum. Hopefully, I can network and find support with others in this community who can relate!

Hi, I am a 20 year old male with AS. I was diagnosed when i was about 12, i have had a few relationships but i find it gets harder and harder to both find a girl I like and when I do, ask her out. Any one got any tips that could help, if this is the wrong place to put this kinda thing I'm sorry. but still any tips would be much obliged

I see it's not incredibly active, but that's not really the point is it? It's good enough to know there are people there. :)

So my husband and I have discovered that it is very likely he has Asperger's. It's mild, and over the years he's learned to tone down some of the symptoms, but once we read a book titled "The Other Half of Asperger's Syndrome" he remarked "You found the owner's manual!"

Knowing of this possible diagnosis has definitely been valuable in understanding him, although I'd be lying if I said that some things didn't make me sad. As a person who is empathic and pretty good at reading people, it's challenging to explain to him why I think the things I do about people. I hoped to be able to teach him how to be more aware of other people, but I don't think I'm ever really going to teach him that completely. Fortunately I have a logical mind that is also good at noticing patterns, so I'm hoping if I work at it from that angle that I can at least make a little headway. It depresses me that his sex drive will never match mine. But, I can think of worse things. At least he likes to cuddle.

One interesting thing is that he has depression and I have Bipolar II. You can imagine the fun when we're both in a mood. :)

So, I'm probably going to and read a bunch of back posts here now. :)

So, last night I convinced Mamacita to let me take her out to dinner.  I picked her up after having coffee with Lori and a coworker at Barnes and Nobles. 

I say dinner, but really we just went to Longhorn Steakhouse for appetizers and drinks.  It's enough.  Mom had a blackberry margarita and I had a mojito.  Drinks always mellow her out and loosen her tongue.  So we talk a bit and she mentions the Luzhen Defense again and how she's been worried about me moving to NY to live with my significant other.  My SO has Asperger's Syndrome.  I find it hilarious that she has SO much crazy stuff in common with him but because she's undiagnosed and she thinks there's NOTHING wrong with her, that she worries about the stress of me living with an Aspie.  If only she any idea how much her own Aspieness drives me crazy!

Still, apparently she's been watching the Luzhen Defense repeatedly, and reading online about Asperger's.  I'm glad she's educating herself.  Apparently the more she learns about AS and the more she watches Luzhen Defense, the more she at least sympathizes with my SO and Aspies in general.  While she realizes that a relationship between and NT and AS can be stressful and totally different, she also realized that being with an Aspie has it's perks.  I never have to worry about my SO lying.  Aspies tend to have a VERY strong moral compass.  Also, he will never do a lot of the stupid asshole guy stuff most NT guys do.  My SO has no interest in sports.  Mind you he also has no interest in TV, very little interest in movies, and knows far less than I do about music.  Still, he will go to the movies if I ask him to (and if he's interested), and he doesn't mind my music. 

My mom wonders what we talk about - but my SO and I have a lot of good conversations.  Small talk doesn't make much sense to an Aspie.  But get him going on any of our shared interests (philosophy, religion, sex, travel, books) and he can out talk me (and that's not easy!)  Supposedly Aspies aren't very affectionate, or won't look in your eyes, but I think this varies from person to person.  My SO is very affectionate, very cuddly.  He doesn't predict when I'll need a hug - or when I have other emotional needs.  But I'm a forward person and I have no problem asking for what I want or need from him.

AS is totally a spectrum, and truly a collection of different behaviors that in and of themselves doesn't scream AS, but put enough of them together and there you have it - an Aspie!  So last night I brought up to my mom that I thought my grandpa (her dad) was an Aspie.  She kept insisting that his behaviors were because he was from another generation (he was born at the turn of the century and was raised by a fairly Victorian family) and because what he did was typical guy stuff. 

For instance, Aspies don't really get the whole gift giving thing.  If and when they do it, they think about it VERY logically.  One time as a kid, my mom received a pitchfork from him as a birthday present.  Gee, thanks pops!  In my grandpa's mind, she cleaned the stable every day so a pitchfork was useful.  He had no concept that the gift should be something that the recipient would actually want and enjoy! 

I remember going to Macy's with my grandparents - I must have been about 5.  My grandmother wanted my grandfather to buy her a pearl necklace.  I guess he didn't buy her much, or if he did it was very likely useful stuff.  I remember her telling him that women liked getting jewelry, that he could afford it, and she certainly deserved it.  Thinking about it now, I don't think he understood why anyone would want to wear jewelry - or adorn their body.  He was totally against pierced ears.  Mom says it was because  he was the conservative type - but to an Aspie I would think that body piercing or jewelry in general is illogical.  My grandpa would roll over in his grave (had he actually been buried in one) if he saw all the ear piercings I have!

My mom will often give me gifts that she likes, more than give me gifts that I would actually enjoy.  I think she tries to, but it's hard.  She thinks that if it's something she's interested in, the rest of the world must find it fascinating too.  As a kid this was fine, because I didn't mind the stuffed animals, books, and ignored the stuff that didn't particularly appeal to me.  As I got older it became a problem and she would get upset that she'd buy me something and then I wouldn't use it, wear it, enjoy it.  Finally she went to getting me only what I specifically asked for.  I also only get her what she specifically asks for. 

Until last month, my SO hadn't bought me anything and when I gave him presents, he seemed interested that I would think to give him a gift.  I bought him some books that were about subjects I knew he'd enjoy.  Meanwhile my birthday and Christmas passed without anything from him.  When we agreed to move in together I gave him specific assignments.  We went to Atlanta a few weekends ago and his instructions were to buy me something he thought I would enjoy.  I could give him hints, I certainly wasn't going to be coy!

Shortly before the trip he bought me a DS game called Cooking Mama.  It was perfect, I LOVE stuff like that and we share his DS all the time.  I was totally pleased.  Then we went on the trip and he bought me a very nice bookmark (handmade with a wolf on it).  He also bought me a print of artwork that was totally adorable and in colors I love! 

Another difference between NTs and Aspies is that NTs are likely to reinforce how they feel about each other by saying something (I love you, I appreciate you, etc.) To an Aspie though, you only need to say it once.  They've said it, you know it, why say it again?  It's illogical.  I don't remember my grandpa ever saying he loved me, although I knew it.  He showed me he loved me in other ways - simply by spending time with me.  My mom thinks he was unemotional but I doubt it.  In terms of my SO, it was very difficult for him to verbalize how he felt about me.  Of course he showed me he loved me all the time - cuddling, looking into my eyes, holding my hand reassuringly.  But it was hard for him to get the words out.  The other day he wrote me a poem.  I will cherish it always, even should we part in the future.  I know it took him a LOT of effort to write it to me.  I won't post the whole thing as it's private, but the last two lines make me smile, warm my heart, and are just so Aspie.

I do love you, in my peculiar fashion.
I hope that it is sufficient.

Yes, darling.  It's more than sufficient. 

I notice this community hasn't had much action lately, but I find myself really needing some kind of support or community.

I am in a relationship with an aspie I met half a year ago. Our relationship progressed from friendship to relationship without either of us pursuing it. It just happened, happily so. I went into the friendship/relationship knowing that he had AS.

Prior to meeting him, I worked with AS children in a small private school some years ago that practiced inclusion. While working there I came to the realization that my mother and grandfather both were aspies themselves. I somehow wonder if I am fated to having a relationship with an aspie. I seemed fated to work with aspie kids, as I got along with them very well and had an easy time developing rapport with them.

I read voraciously, but I haven't found a lot about adults with AS. Most of what I find is about children, and what I do find about adults seems to be fairly slanted against aspies. It's almost as if they think aspies aren't capable of feeling or caring about anyone other than themselves. I know this is not true about my boyfriend. He is caring, and genuinely interested in my feelings. True, he has difficulty expressing them verbally, but he does so by hugging a lot, and has been very good at talking about things when I bring them up. We are both learning a lot about each other.

I am looking to talk to other adult aspies, NTs living with aspies, and just anyone who might have some experience in this. I feel like I am going without a net. I can't talk to my family about it because they already don't understand AS, particularly my mom who is undiagnosed. I talk to his family, and his mother and sister have been wonderful to me, but I can't talk to them about our romantic life - it just seems too odd.

I was reading an article tonight about the CEO and co-founder of BitTorrent, that peer-to-peer file downloading program, and there was a particular part of it that kind of struck me..
He's been diagnosed with Asperger's, and was asked this question:

'What's the biggest misconception about Asperger's?
That people with Asperger's are immoral, which isn't true at all. People with Asperger's frequently don't understand what's going on, and don't know how to express what they're thinking, but that's very different from not wanting to do the right thing.'

Tonight is the first time i've ever heard of Asperger's, i've done a little bit of research on it, and then came on livejournal to see if i could find any other information.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 months, a relatively short time compared to a lot of the people on this community, i love him a lot, but sometimes i don't know why, and i wonder a lot why we're still together.

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Sorry that was so long.. it just kind of escalated, but if anyone managed to get through it, please leave a little comment, even just to say hi :)
xo