MORSE CODE FROM AN AMPUTEE.

It's interesting to think of how often I've considered just deleting this journal. Unfortunately, it holds so many memories that I can't bring myself to do it.

I've given up entirely. I don't think that I could handle another relationship... and I know that not much in life is certain, but as it stands now: I'm emotionally incapable of having my heart stepped on again.

Recently, I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror.

I'm scared.

Celestial imbalances yet again, I presume.

I dreamt of a friend of mine. He was standing in fields of snow under a tree, with great black wings protruding from his back. I ran to him but I don't think I ever really reached him.

I despise the Winter. I don't like it when the sky is covered. Things feel so disconnected and shut off... like the sky is halved and we're left with the close-knit cloud layer that is the snowy, sunless sky.

Just a little piece before bed.

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I won't do what you expect of me, or what I've done before... I'm not happy, nor am I going to show everyone your emotions. I own what is mine to show, and that's all I can manage. All I can handle. Everything I can tell anyone is the truth.

I'd tell you everything but you've heard it all before and I'm not sure what you would honestly believe. But I know what's true. I know how I feel about this you. I can't answer your questions right now, nor can I console you. But I won't ridicule and criticize. I'm still here when you're ready and if you never want to come back, just let me know so I'm not left in the dark forever.

I have more respect for you than you know. Truly. It's depressing for me to watch you go... But I won't stop you. This is what you need, and I understand that.

I'm sorry, angel. I really am.

Ugh, these computers at work are being incorrigible. I'll never quite grasp why the Macs cannot seem to access the log-in server... And many of them have aging software on them. One good example of poor planning was that Office was installed on the Macs... and then Deep Freeze was applied before the full installation. So, it has to patch every time someone uses it. I know I won't be here much longer, though I do love the job, but I hope they get these computers whipped into shape over the vacation.

I met my first obsessive person yesterday. It left me speechless. It's one thing to obsess over a celebrity, for instance, and change your profile picture to them. It's a completely different situation when you make people believe that you are someone else entirely. A close friend of mine did this. I still love whoever she is, but I find myself unable to process why she would masquerade as someone else for so long. She seemed to think it was okay to use the pictures of someone she was infatuated with onto one of her social networking sites but... those were the only pictures. We -thought- that's who she was, and she never denied it. Now, she's changed her pictures again and has provided the explanation of her actions. She said she had wanted to "prove her obsession" to the woman, or something like that. I told her the truth about how I felt. I think it's an unhealthy set of behaviors that needs to be addressed and I told her that I believe she needs to take some time out to reevaluate her life. This is the type of behavior that society fears simply because so many people who have displayed this behavior are the ones who have killed people. Like Mark David Chapman. I value whoever this friend is and I do not want to think ill thoughts about her mental capacity... But this is not something that's acceptable. I'm afraid that I hurt her feelings, though I did explain myself to her. "I just need time" I said.

I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tired of daytime television showing me Top 10 best beaches and making over your vacation home. I probably won't even get to go to a nice beach until I'm in my mid-40's so just stop. I'm not out on some beach enjoying the Summer weather. Stop showing it to me.

This... realization... *shoots an angry glare at the T.V.* has refueled my efforts to get a job. I was simply waiting until the Summer semester was over so I could see if any spots opened up since I last placed my application. But now! OH NOW. It's on.

I'm gathering all of my poetry, and editing it. And I think I'm going to try to get published. This is what I want to do with my work. I want to be an author, a poet... I don't care if it's not my career. I want to do what makes me happy, goddamnit. I'm tired of sitting here thinking that I'm 23 years old, always unemployed, living in a cement box with nothing but a window to a world full of warmth and sunshine that my friends are ever-enjoying because they have the time, and the money, and the provisions needed and I have nothing.

I don't want to go one more year feeling worthless. Just because my childhood and my life molded calluses around my memories does not mean that my life is meant to be that way all the time. I have something to give.

Though LiveJournal seems to be defunct, I still have hope in the process. Maybe one day, the concept of journal posting without Facebook or Myspace will return yet again and I will, once more, feel like I'm not talking to myself here.

Still, for those hangers-on, I will post something (hopefully) meaningful. I will also take this time to somewhat introduce myself, in case my LiveJournal catches the eye of some new wanderer. For those of you that already know me, I apologize ahead of time on the off-chance that I bore you to tears.

My name is Marisa, and I've had my LiveJournal account for 9 years come this November.
I am nearing 23 years old, and I don't have one bit of enthusiasm or disdain for it. Birthdays have never quite been my thing and I have always felt much older than what I am.



Here is a very recent picture of myself, for all intensive purposes.


I am an English major and a Sophomore at Auburn Montgomery in Montgomery, Alabama. I know for a fact that I am leaving Alabama as soon as I graduate because I don't like the lifestyle down here. Though, I do admit that I've begun arguing with myself over whether or not I'm achieving what I need to be achieving in order to impress myself. I do feel like most students have this internal struggle, so I don't really focus too much attention toward the issue. I am proud of the friends I have made and the people I have met, including my boyfriend of three years. As I write this now, I smirk at the thought. When I was younger, I never thought I'd find anyone that cared about me. Now I have great friends and this wonderful guy who has sat through every pointless argument and emotion I have ever given him. Somehow, he thinks I'm perfect... and if there is a God of some sort, may that God have mercy on him for that thought. Perfection would be sublime, but mundane.

The other day, I saw my ex. It wasn't just the usual ex-sighting that most people go through, and most people know what I am implying. Sometimes it is a "Oh, hi. How are things?" atmosphere and sometimes it's the atmosphere in which no one says anything. This sighting of mine was so manic, I'm sure it came with a prescription scrawled out ahead of time. I was shocked; I felt self-conscious, I wanted to run, I wanted to yell. I was sad, angry, nonchalant... all balled up into one panicked mess. I guess I just didn't want to ever see his eyes ever again. I know I spent far too much time in my life trying to convince myself that I needed him when he spent far too much time in our relationship avoiding me. Luckily, my boyfriend was there and we left as soon as we could. Last time I knew, he was doing well. I guess that bothered me at one point. When I was still quite unnerved about how our break-up went, I wished nothing good of him. I wanted him to be miserable, or to get sick. I hate to say that, but I know it was true. Now, I don't care how he is as long as I never have to see him. But, these experiences are part of life and as such, we live. What I have now is a much more tangible love. Sure, we fight over stupid things and at times we wait hours to discuss why we fought. But I know for some reason, he thinks I'm 100% wonderful and I would be crazy not to trust his judgment. I'm proud of him... He went almost a year, unemployed, and stumbled into a job this month thanks to a friend of his. He comes back from work exhausted, but I know he's happy to be working again. Though the job might interfere with his schoolwork... But I know he'll find his middle-ground between the two.

I've started looking for a job, too. I intimidate myself, though, and that often hinders my results. I worry that I won't be able to handle work and do well in school simultaneously. Well, that and I'm nearly 23 years old and I've never had a job. No one likes hiring inexperienced people, but we all have to start out fresh sometime. I just want to be able to make my Grandad proud. I know he wants me to succeed, and I know he is hoping I can find a job. It really put things into perspective when that was one of the first things he asked me about when he picked me up at the airport last Christmas. He's right, too. A person shouldn't go as long as I have without ever having a job. No matter how mature I may feel now, a job is a grand step toward maturity and I want to be that type of person.

Money. The almighty dollar, hm. I need it... and I dislike that I do. I miss the days when money could stretch much farther than it does now. I often run low on food, or nearly go without it. Grandad sends me $200 a month but I hate asking for more. I hate knowing that he pulls that monthly money out of his own account. I hate that I am an adult and I need to rely on someone else for finances... for food and health concerns. As I stated above, I want to make him proud and I feel like right now, I am much less of an adult than I would like to be. I want to be able to pay my own bills someday, preferably before he passes on, so I can show him how I can take care of myself. Situations like the ones I have been through really have hindered much of my life, and maybe I'm just starting out much slower than everyone else. Eventually, I hope I can catch up. Until then, scraps are the ticket I suppose. I just wish I could live the life that my friends live, and enjoy my years while I have them. Sadly, enjoying anything these days means spending money and that is something I quite literally cannot afford.

Hm. Perhaps I should leave the rest of this thought process for another installation. Maybe I can rev up the defibrillator and shock some life into this cadaver yet.

Oh...



Hello.