Interesting conversations and turns of events
So, last night I convinced Mamacita to let me take her out to dinner. I picked her up after having coffee with Lori and a coworker at Barnes and Nobles.
I say dinner, but really we just went to Longhorn Steakhouse for appetizers and drinks. It's enough. Mom had a blackberry margarita and I had a mojito. Drinks always mellow her out and loosen her tongue. So we talk a bit and she mentions the Luzhen Defense again and how she's been worried about me moving to NY to live with my significant other. My SO has Asperger's Syndrome. I find it hilarious that she has SO much crazy stuff in common with him but because she's undiagnosed and she thinks there's NOTHING wrong with her, that she worries about the stress of me living with an Aspie. If only she any idea how much her own Aspieness drives me crazy!
Still, apparently she's been watching the Luzhen Defense repeatedly, and reading online about Asperger's. I'm glad she's educating herself. Apparently the more she learns about AS and the more she watches Luzhen Defense, the more she at least sympathizes with my SO and Aspies in general. While she realizes that a relationship between and NT and AS can be stressful and totally different, she also realized that being with an Aspie has it's perks. I never have to worry about my SO lying. Aspies tend to have a VERY strong moral compass. Also, he will never do a lot of the stupid asshole guy stuff most NT guys do. My SO has no interest in sports. Mind you he also has no interest in TV, very little interest in movies, and knows far less than I do about music. Still, he will go to the movies if I ask him to (and if he's interested), and he doesn't mind my music.
My mom wonders what we talk about - but my SO and I have a lot of good conversations. Small talk doesn't make much sense to an Aspie. But get him going on any of our shared interests (philosophy, religion, sex, travel, books) and he can out talk me (and that's not easy!) Supposedly Aspies aren't very affectionate, or won't look in your eyes, but I think this varies from person to person. My SO is very affectionate, very cuddly. He doesn't predict when I'll need a hug - or when I have other emotional needs. But I'm a forward person and I have no problem asking for what I want or need from him.
AS is totally a spectrum, and truly a collection of different behaviors that in and of themselves doesn't scream AS, but put enough of them together and there you have it - an Aspie! So last night I brought up to my mom that I thought my grandpa (her dad) was an Aspie. She kept insisting that his behaviors were because he was from another generation (he was born at the turn of the century and was raised by a fairly Victorian family) and because what he did was typical guy stuff.
For instance, Aspies don't really get the whole gift giving thing. If and when they do it, they think about it VERY logically. One time as a kid, my mom received a pitchfork from him as a birthday present. Gee, thanks pops! In my grandpa's mind, she cleaned the stable every day so a pitchfork was useful. He had no concept that the gift should be something that the recipient would actually want and enjoy!
I remember going to Macy's with my grandparents - I must have been about 5. My grandmother wanted my grandfather to buy her a pearl necklace. I guess he didn't buy her much, or if he did it was very likely useful stuff. I remember her telling him that women liked getting jewelry, that he could afford it, and she certainly deserved it. Thinking about it now, I don't think he understood why anyone would want to wear jewelry - or adorn their body. He was totally against pierced ears. Mom says it was because he was the conservative type - but to an Aspie I would think that body piercing or jewelry in general is illogical. My grandpa would roll over in his grave (had he actually been buried in one) if he saw all the ear piercings I have!
My mom will often give me gifts that she likes, more than give me gifts that I would actually enjoy. I think she tries to, but it's hard. She thinks that if it's something she's interested in, the rest of the world must find it fascinating too. As a kid this was fine, because I didn't mind the stuffed animals, books, and ignored the stuff that didn't particularly appeal to me. As I got older it became a problem and she would get upset that she'd buy me something and then I wouldn't use it, wear it, enjoy it. Finally she went to getting me only what I specifically asked for. I also only get her what she specifically asks for.
Until last month, my SO hadn't bought me anything and when I gave him presents, he seemed interested that I would think to give him a gift. I bought him some books that were about subjects I knew he'd enjoy. Meanwhile my birthday and Christmas passed without anything from him. When we agreed to move in together I gave him specific assignments. We went to Atlanta a few weekends ago and his instructions were to buy me something he thought I would enjoy. I could give him hints, I certainly wasn't going to be coy!
Shortly before the trip he bought me a DS game called Cooking Mama. It was perfect, I LOVE stuff like that and we share his DS all the time. I was totally pleased. Then we went on the trip and he bought me a very nice bookmark (handmade with a wolf on it). He also bought me a print of artwork that was totally adorable and in colors I love!
Another difference between NTs and Aspies is that NTs are likely to reinforce how they feel about each other by saying something (I love you, I appreciate you, etc.) To an Aspie though, you only need to say it once. They've said it, you know it, why say it again? It's illogical. I don't remember my grandpa ever saying he loved me, although I knew it. He showed me he loved me in other ways - simply by spending time with me. My mom thinks he was unemotional but I doubt it. In terms of my SO, it was very difficult for him to verbalize how he felt about me. Of course he showed me he loved me all the time - cuddling, looking into my eyes, holding my hand reassuringly. But it was hard for him to get the words out. The other day he wrote me a poem. I will cherish it always, even should we part in the future. I know it took him a LOT of effort to write it to me. I won't post the whole thing as it's private, but the last two lines make me smile, warm my heart, and are just so Aspie.
I do love you, in my peculiar fashion.
I hope that it is sufficient.
Yes, darling. It's more than sufficient.
I say dinner, but really we just went to Longhorn Steakhouse for appetizers and drinks. It's enough. Mom had a blackberry margarita and I had a mojito. Drinks always mellow her out and loosen her tongue. So we talk a bit and she mentions the Luzhen Defense again and how she's been worried about me moving to NY to live with my significant other. My SO has Asperger's Syndrome. I find it hilarious that she has SO much crazy stuff in common with him but because she's undiagnosed and she thinks there's NOTHING wrong with her, that she worries about the stress of me living with an Aspie. If only she any idea how much her own Aspieness drives me crazy!
Still, apparently she's been watching the Luzhen Defense repeatedly, and reading online about Asperger's. I'm glad she's educating herself. Apparently the more she learns about AS and the more she watches Luzhen Defense, the more she at least sympathizes with my SO and Aspies in general. While she realizes that a relationship between and NT and AS can be stressful and totally different, she also realized that being with an Aspie has it's perks. I never have to worry about my SO lying. Aspies tend to have a VERY strong moral compass. Also, he will never do a lot of the stupid asshole guy stuff most NT guys do. My SO has no interest in sports. Mind you he also has no interest in TV, very little interest in movies, and knows far less than I do about music. Still, he will go to the movies if I ask him to (and if he's interested), and he doesn't mind my music.
My mom wonders what we talk about - but my SO and I have a lot of good conversations. Small talk doesn't make much sense to an Aspie. But get him going on any of our shared interests (philosophy, religion, sex, travel, books) and he can out talk me (and that's not easy!) Supposedly Aspies aren't very affectionate, or won't look in your eyes, but I think this varies from person to person. My SO is very affectionate, very cuddly. He doesn't predict when I'll need a hug - or when I have other emotional needs. But I'm a forward person and I have no problem asking for what I want or need from him.
AS is totally a spectrum, and truly a collection of different behaviors that in and of themselves doesn't scream AS, but put enough of them together and there you have it - an Aspie! So last night I brought up to my mom that I thought my grandpa (her dad) was an Aspie. She kept insisting that his behaviors were because he was from another generation (he was born at the turn of the century and was raised by a fairly Victorian family) and because what he did was typical guy stuff.
For instance, Aspies don't really get the whole gift giving thing. If and when they do it, they think about it VERY logically. One time as a kid, my mom received a pitchfork from him as a birthday present. Gee, thanks pops! In my grandpa's mind, she cleaned the stable every day so a pitchfork was useful. He had no concept that the gift should be something that the recipient would actually want and enjoy!
I remember going to Macy's with my grandparents - I must have been about 5. My grandmother wanted my grandfather to buy her a pearl necklace. I guess he didn't buy her much, or if he did it was very likely useful stuff. I remember her telling him that women liked getting jewelry, that he could afford it, and she certainly deserved it. Thinking about it now, I don't think he understood why anyone would want to wear jewelry - or adorn their body. He was totally against pierced ears. Mom says it was because he was the conservative type - but to an Aspie I would think that body piercing or jewelry in general is illogical. My grandpa would roll over in his grave (had he actually been buried in one) if he saw all the ear piercings I have!
My mom will often give me gifts that she likes, more than give me gifts that I would actually enjoy. I think she tries to, but it's hard. She thinks that if it's something she's interested in, the rest of the world must find it fascinating too. As a kid this was fine, because I didn't mind the stuffed animals, books, and ignored the stuff that didn't particularly appeal to me. As I got older it became a problem and she would get upset that she'd buy me something and then I wouldn't use it, wear it, enjoy it. Finally she went to getting me only what I specifically asked for. I also only get her what she specifically asks for.
Until last month, my SO hadn't bought me anything and when I gave him presents, he seemed interested that I would think to give him a gift. I bought him some books that were about subjects I knew he'd enjoy. Meanwhile my birthday and Christmas passed without anything from him. When we agreed to move in together I gave him specific assignments. We went to Atlanta a few weekends ago and his instructions were to buy me something he thought I would enjoy. I could give him hints, I certainly wasn't going to be coy!
Shortly before the trip he bought me a DS game called Cooking Mama. It was perfect, I LOVE stuff like that and we share his DS all the time. I was totally pleased. Then we went on the trip and he bought me a very nice bookmark (handmade with a wolf on it). He also bought me a print of artwork that was totally adorable and in colors I love!
Another difference between NTs and Aspies is that NTs are likely to reinforce how they feel about each other by saying something (I love you, I appreciate you, etc.) To an Aspie though, you only need to say it once. They've said it, you know it, why say it again? It's illogical. I don't remember my grandpa ever saying he loved me, although I knew it. He showed me he loved me in other ways - simply by spending time with me. My mom thinks he was unemotional but I doubt it. In terms of my SO, it was very difficult for him to verbalize how he felt about me. Of course he showed me he loved me all the time - cuddling, looking into my eyes, holding my hand reassuringly. But it was hard for him to get the words out. The other day he wrote me a poem. I will cherish it always, even should we part in the future. I know it took him a LOT of effort to write it to me. I won't post the whole thing as it's private, but the last two lines make me smile, warm my heart, and are just so Aspie.
I do love you, in my peculiar fashion.
I hope that it is sufficient.
Yes, darling. It's more than sufficient.