Hey there :-)
Well, this is my first post. I am in the early stages of a relationship with a man with Asperger's Syndrome. We met in my synagogue (he was visiting from out of town). I was very smitten by his looks, and other than an "odd" speech pattern, I didn't pick up on the fact that anything was amiss.
He's a Ph.D. student, and while reading his blog, I picked up on the fact that he had Asperger's. This was during the summer. While I found him to be charming and smart, I had no realistic expectations of sparking a romance. That and the few things I had read about Asperger's Syndrome pegged it as something to strange and to difficult to deal with. However, that sort of changed when he wrote a painful account of a break-up with his ex-girlfriend.
So to make a long story short, I expressed my sympathy and he retorted that when I write to him and when he thinks of me, I raise his spirits (he also suffers from depression). After many exchanged writings and phone calls, and another visit (he is 3 hours away from me) I learned and saw enough that he is a very, very special individual.
There are a lot of things regarding our relationship that makes it "unique". The first is that we are both Orthodox Jews; so relationship wise, the dynamic is very different. The main thing is that our faith mandates no physical contact before marriage. So there is no such thing as "testing the waters" first. He grew up religious, and I came into it later (so I'm not a virgin). He really has no idea how he would react in a real life sexual situation. All he knows is that he has sexual urges and he is interested in sex (he doesn't have touch over stimulation issues, but does have strong preferences to what physical actions he enjoys); although public displays of affection and graphic sex scenes in movies bother him (could be "pronounced" by our religion; I don't know). The second is that he is 25 and I am 29. He tells me that Aspie men are attracted to older women, although I haven't found anything to support that myself. While he is very opinionated, he is not bossy. I think he likes the idea that I have more life experience than him by far (for example, I've lived several places, worked many jobs, etc. -- while he has always been a student). The third is that I am Black and he is White. I posted about the whole race issue on
ask_an_aspie because I am convinced that my boyfriend has no concept of racism in the least. He doesn't see me as "exotic" or feel self-conscious in the fact that he is attracted to me; which is great.
I realize that this relationship may take more work than a typical NT/NT relationship. However, I have dated enough in the past to discern what is important and worth fighting for, and what is not. As a religious Jew, I have a strong desire to marry a man who is also Jewish and observant. However since the Orthodox Jewish community is small and slightly xenophobic, I get a lot of men who think I'm sweet, but I am just "too different" for them to marry. My boyfriend gets that too; so we are kindred spirits in that sense. Besides that, he is a big intellectual, and we love to suggest complementary books and read and argue about them together. He likes to "lecture", and I don't mind it (many other of the NTs in his life do).
My main concerns at this point is the fact that the whole "physical intimacy" thing will remain an unknown until we get married (if it goes "that far"). Normally, Orthodox Jewish couples have a short dating-engagement-marriage period; but for several logistical reasons, I can't think about marriage right now (I had a major health mishap...a car accident...which forced me to live with family while I recuperated). I can't go to him until next summer at the earliest and he definitely can't leave his doctoral studies. So we are not dating "officially" (whatever...this was a tangent). Another concern I have is parenting. The norm in our faith is to have large families (although the fact that I'm about 6 years behind in getting married will affect that a bit). As a patient adult, I can deal with my boyfriend; but how do children deal? I've seen him with his younger (like ages 1 to 15) cousins and he's very playful (to the point where he's like one of them practically), but a father needs to be more than just a "play friend". Of course there is the very real chance that he will relate totally different to his own children. Especially if they are also autistic. It also seems as if it is genetic; his mother has some unlabeled "mental issues". There are, however, no issues with autism or mental illness in my (very large) extended family. On one hand, I am not opposed to having autistic children; in that my boyfriend has taught me a lot in regards to seeing autism as a "difference" not necessarily a "disability" (he sort of equates it to being a Black person in America -- there are disadvantages, but you should not be apologetic about it). On the other hand raising many (as in 3+) autistic children would probably be exhausting (raising "normal" children is exhausting). I don't know if he would pick up on that. Also he would probably be offended if I suggested birth control solely on the fact that he was autistic (like Catholics, Orthodox Jews have to have birth control "ok-ed" by our local Rabbi).
Anyway, I apologize for my long-windedness. I look forward to this journey with a man I love very much who is on the autistic spectrum. Hopefully, I can network and find support with others in this community who can relate!
He's a Ph.D. student, and while reading his blog, I picked up on the fact that he had Asperger's. This was during the summer. While I found him to be charming and smart, I had no realistic expectations of sparking a romance. That and the few things I had read about Asperger's Syndrome pegged it as something to strange and to difficult to deal with. However, that sort of changed when he wrote a painful account of a break-up with his ex-girlfriend.
So to make a long story short, I expressed my sympathy and he retorted that when I write to him and when he thinks of me, I raise his spirits (he also suffers from depression). After many exchanged writings and phone calls, and another visit (he is 3 hours away from me) I learned and saw enough that he is a very, very special individual.
There are a lot of things regarding our relationship that makes it "unique". The first is that we are both Orthodox Jews; so relationship wise, the dynamic is very different. The main thing is that our faith mandates no physical contact before marriage. So there is no such thing as "testing the waters" first. He grew up religious, and I came into it later (so I'm not a virgin). He really has no idea how he would react in a real life sexual situation. All he knows is that he has sexual urges and he is interested in sex (he doesn't have touch over stimulation issues, but does have strong preferences to what physical actions he enjoys); although public displays of affection and graphic sex scenes in movies bother him (could be "pronounced" by our religion; I don't know). The second is that he is 25 and I am 29. He tells me that Aspie men are attracted to older women, although I haven't found anything to support that myself. While he is very opinionated, he is not bossy. I think he likes the idea that I have more life experience than him by far (for example, I've lived several places, worked many jobs, etc. -- while he has always been a student). The third is that I am Black and he is White. I posted about the whole race issue on
ask_an_aspie because I am convinced that my boyfriend has no concept of racism in the least. He doesn't see me as "exotic" or feel self-conscious in the fact that he is attracted to me; which is great.I realize that this relationship may take more work than a typical NT/NT relationship. However, I have dated enough in the past to discern what is important and worth fighting for, and what is not. As a religious Jew, I have a strong desire to marry a man who is also Jewish and observant. However since the Orthodox Jewish community is small and slightly xenophobic, I get a lot of men who think I'm sweet, but I am just "too different" for them to marry. My boyfriend gets that too; so we are kindred spirits in that sense. Besides that, he is a big intellectual, and we love to suggest complementary books and read and argue about them together. He likes to "lecture", and I don't mind it (many other of the NTs in his life do).
My main concerns at this point is the fact that the whole "physical intimacy" thing will remain an unknown until we get married (if it goes "that far"). Normally, Orthodox Jewish couples have a short dating-engagement-marriage period; but for several logistical reasons, I can't think about marriage right now (I had a major health mishap...a car accident...which forced me to live with family while I recuperated). I can't go to him until next summer at the earliest and he definitely can't leave his doctoral studies. So we are not dating "officially" (whatever...this was a tangent). Another concern I have is parenting. The norm in our faith is to have large families (although the fact that I'm about 6 years behind in getting married will affect that a bit). As a patient adult, I can deal with my boyfriend; but how do children deal? I've seen him with his younger (like ages 1 to 15) cousins and he's very playful (to the point where he's like one of them practically), but a father needs to be more than just a "play friend". Of course there is the very real chance that he will relate totally different to his own children. Especially if they are also autistic. It also seems as if it is genetic; his mother has some unlabeled "mental issues". There are, however, no issues with autism or mental illness in my (very large) extended family. On one hand, I am not opposed to having autistic children; in that my boyfriend has taught me a lot in regards to seeing autism as a "difference" not necessarily a "disability" (he sort of equates it to being a Black person in America -- there are disadvantages, but you should not be apologetic about it). On the other hand raising many (as in 3+) autistic children would probably be exhausting (raising "normal" children is exhausting). I don't know if he would pick up on that. Also he would probably be offended if I suggested birth control solely on the fact that he was autistic (like Catholics, Orthodox Jews have to have birth control "ok-ed" by our local Rabbi).
Anyway, I apologize for my long-windedness. I look forward to this journey with a man I love very much who is on the autistic spectrum. Hopefully, I can network and find support with others in this community who can relate!