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snarkbotanya

Before the prologue, we get an opening quote. It’s Genesis 2:17 as per the King James translation: “But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it; for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.” This is pretentious and irrelevant and should be deleted.

Moving on. My first editorial comment on the text proper is that the prologue is inaccurately called a preface.

( It's amazing how much time it can take to fix five paragraphs )

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: First Sight

snarkbotanya

Well… here we are.

( Dusk begins to fall... )

snarkbotanya

Ever since it came out in August of 2020, I have intended to do a spork of Midnight Sun. Yet, like so many plans we all had in that absolute century of a year, that particular intention never quite made it to reality. Yesterday, as I was coming home from a walk, it struck me that I should probably get around to that.

Then it struck me that, given how much time has passed and its place in the greater Twilight mythos, I might as well dredge up the rotten thing's predecessors from the murky depths and critique the whole series.

I know Twilight sporks, critiques, recaps, MSTs, etc. have all been done before. I'm quite fond of Das Mervin's spork myself, though we do have some differing opinions here and there. However, I do feel that at this point, my own sporking style has developed enough that I can bring something of value to the table. I want to make this a calm, professional critique, a retrospective where we set aside the invective and delve into what truly made Twilight so truly awful.

So I suppose my question is... were I to write, would you be reading?

snarkbotanya

This is a fic I wrote a while back. Unlike Consequence and Discordant, which both have themes and plots, it's pretty much a simple Kill 'Em All aimed at the Twilight series, where a couple of characters I originally made for the tabletop RPG Scion go to the Cullens' house to collect the vampires' souls, contain the monstrous Renesmee, and release Jacob from his imprint.

I may do other short fics like this if people like it, because as much as I enjoy my big fics with themes and plots, sometimes it's just very satisfying to write a few overpowered characters walking in to kick ass.

( The gods get involved )

Chapter 22

“[Fifty] chose the gas station outside Baton Rouge based on the age of the cashier.” And none of the other convenience store clerks called the cops on the crazy lady staring at them with binoculars. “He was eighty if he was a day...” What the heck happened to that poor man that he still has to work at the age of eighty? And if he is working because he wants to, that means he wants to be there, which means it's quite possible he takes an extra interest in the customers. “...and she had high hopes that his vision and hearing were past their prime.” Nice, Fifty. Real nice.

( It'd almost be better if this was spectatularily offensive instead of just mildly offensive when compared to the rest of the book. )

Current Mood: contemplative

Chapter 21

( I wish this was a real thriller. Then this chapter wouldn't exist. )

Current Mood: cynical

This chapter felt longer. Also, it had a lot of hidden stupidity I didn't catch the first time around. I think I got most of it, though.
And confession, here's the emotional fallout I forgot about. :P I'm going to blame my bad memory, the forced romance being distracting, and the part where technically, the chapter could be deleted and it would have no bearing on the rest of the book, especially since it's not that memorable in the first place.

( Warning: upsetting subject matter, though mostly just bad writing )

I think the only good news I have is that I didn't see the word, 'obviously.'

Current Mood: embarrassed

( You're about to view content that the poster has advised should be viewed with discretion. )

Current Mood: nauseated

Chapter 18

“'You're going back,' he said in a hollow whisper.” Nope. We pick up right where we left off.

( Where the three 'W's of bad writing are asked. Wait? What? Why? )

Chapter 17

“Kevin didn't call.” Oh, noes! This is even more exciting than that time the Fellowship ran into a Balrog. Jason Bourne would have pissed his pants. It's just one more terrible chapter starter. ...... I checked through the ones we've had so far and there's only one that isn't boring/stupid. The worst one is the first sentence of the entire book, about routines. The second worst one so far started with dialogue, but no quotation mark, so it looked like a POV change.

( If this is what happens during 'action,' karaoke in the kitchen might be less bad. Warning: some of the poor dogs are killed out of visual range of Fifty. )

Current Mood: sad

Chapter 16

Fifty wakes up. Again. Meyer must have studied up on Paolini, because I'm pretty sure half of the chapter breaks so far involve altered consciousness. I get it. It feels natural. It also feels really lame and predictable after the third time.

( More boring shit inside the house. It ends soon and we get fed a different variety of bullshit. I promise. )

Current Mood: bored

Chapter 15

A.K.A. Time for a bleach shower to pass the time in the most boring chapter. EVER.

( If touching an unconscious person's hair is okay, what about stabbing them when they're awake? Is that okay? )

Current Mood: nauseated

Chapter 14

Though really, the entire book could disappear and nothing valuable would be lost.

It begins with Fifty waking up. Again. She calls it unconsciousness just to be dramatic.

( This chapter could be cut down to two pages without losing anything valuable. )

Current Mood: Exasperated

Chapter 13

Cranky has a firing range set up. By the way, they're in rural Texas. The only indication beforehand was that they drove for days while Fifty slept. Meyer finally saw fit to mention that. But there's granite countertops.

Cranky carries a sniper rifle with him, but no spotter. “How do you even know who you want to kill from that far away?” Dopey says. This is the problem with Meyer's prose. It's so utterly bland, except when it's bizarre, awkward, or clunky. Does Dopey not know about scopes and their existence? And spotters?

( This is the chapter where I check out the Geneva Convention to see how violated it is. )

Current Mood: Foaming at the mouth

Chapter 12

Here, we meet the most likeable human in the whole book. He doesn't talk much. The two observations may or may not be related.

( Nice to meet you, NPC #42. )

Current Mood: bored

Chapter 11

( The three stooges go on a road trip. )

That is the weirdest way I have ever seen a chapter close.

Current Mood: nauseated

Chapter 10

“It took her one second to realize what had happened.” One second. Okay. I'm glad I knew that. If if took 1.2 seconds, I might have started wondering if she was ever going to realize there was an exploding meth beaver in the other room.

( Plane flying into a building? Meh. Don't know, don't care, decides our hero. )

Current Mood: angry

Chapter 9

“She decided to wake Daniel up.” The poor potato is probably a walking pharmacy at this point. How about you don't give him kidney failure? Meyer takes the time to mention yet again, how good looking his veins are.

( Another security deposit bites the dust )

Current Mood: chipper

Chapter 8

Warning: helmet usage recommend. Prepare to be slapped over the head with clues as subtle as a Mack Truck full of rotten fish.

( Theme of the day: Duh. )

Current Mood: satisfied

And because it's been a while and because the last three chapters have been more repellent than dog shit sitting in a bucket of turpentine inside a hot car, I present:
Chapter 7: the one where she gets sat on because pointing guns at people is totally cool, but actually shooting them is not.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: irritated

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