Where the Heart of Anti-Shurtugal Rises Again.

Chapter 10

“It took her one second to realize what had happened.” One second. Okay. I'm glad I knew that. If if took 1.2 seconds, I might have started wondering if she was ever going to realize there was an exploding meth beaver in the other room.

This is why I probably wouldn't do so well writing general fiction. The lack of magic would be very sad. Meyer said screw it, I'm adding it anyways. Some people have creatures in their fantasy that are rabbits renamed smeerps, Meyer did the opposite. She calls it a dog, but that thing is straight out of Harry Potter.

Also, that's still a lame way to start a chapter.

Sadly, the exploding meth beaver can't jump, apparently, and Fifty Shades of Sherlock safely clings to the pipes of the torture tent. While she clings there, with a rabid, jugular ripping maniac below her, she takes the time to think about the the torture tent. It's heavy duty, five-inch, class 200 pipe. I'm glad we know that. If it was four inches, it might crumple like tinfoil. Somebody wasn't as generous with the details to Fifty Shades of Sherlock, though, and she apparently decided to use a trampoline, springs, and a jack hammer as a base. Otherwise, I don't think Meyer knows that PVC pipes don't shake when they're over-burdened. They break.

The 120 pound dog can't reach her, but Daniel can. Is the dog missing his back legs? Nope. It's just plot armour.

We get more smart things from Cranky Edward. “I know people like her. They're sick. They get some twisted high off other people's pain.”

Plot Amour tampers with Dopey Edward's memory. “She isn't like that.” No, she didn't get pleasure, but she's still sick in the head.

Cranky Edward reveals he had a toe cut off when other people tortured him. Fifty Shades of Sherlock brags she could have done better. Bite her in the ass, Einstein.

Despite being named Einstein, Dogus ex Machina is still confused. The only smart person left in the room is the screen saver.

Question: if there was a bunch of military type guys talking with each other, and they came up with a nickname for a woman who tortures people for a living, would it be:

A) That Crazy Bitch.

B) Psycho

C) @$#%ing ****er

D) HER.

E) Oleander

If you picked the name of a pretty, poisonous flower, you've been spending too much time in a Mormon university.

Is Fifty Shades of Sherlock happy she didn't get a nickname involving various body parts, sexual acts, or a name that reflects her ancestry in a bad light? Nope. She's mad because flowers are passive...

“The way he looked at her hands and arms, she thought he might have guessed how much they were hurting her.” This has been an ongoing issue. Fifty Shades of Sherlock can't be bothered to tell us her arms hurt. It has to be filtered through Dopey Edward or various NPCs and it has to be exposition and it has to be blander than a saltine cracker.

Though I may have found the source of the shaking.

“When he climbed onto the chair, his head was actually higher than hers.” So the exploding meth beaver couldn't reach her... Right.... It might look like a dog, but really, it's just an extremely furry hamster armed with a chainsaw.

“Don't you apologize for me, you moron!” Because dirty language is too dirty, but torture and grabbing an unconscious dude's **** is totally fine. Strained out a gnat, but swallowed a camel.

Then Fifty Shades of Sherlock has the perfect opportunity to knock out all of them and drive off into the sunset to a place she'd never been before, but that would make things too difficult the book too short.

“[Cranky Edward] snatched the key from Daniel's hand and had his wrist free in less than a second.” I can picture 13 year olds bragging to each other about how they scored a goal or something in less than a second.

Blah, blah, blah, Dopey Edward asks Fifty Shades of Sherlock if she's ever lonely, blah, blah, blah, more boring conversation. She decides that because her face is all banged up, she'll be too memorable to safely be seen in public. She gives Cranky Edward his gun back. Her PPK is a tiny, little James Bond pistol. The SIG Sauer is bigger. She's short and tiny. But she wants a bigger gun. Nevermind she doesn't actually use them, seeing Cranky Edward is awfully healthy.

“For some reason, Daniel had put himself between her and his brother's animosity.” Sentences like these happen when research, character building, observing human interaction, and writing skills aren't used. Romance hand-waved into existence is cheap ploy one uses when one can't write.

She owns miles of lead wire. She carries them with her in a duffle bag. Okay, then. Unfortunately, Meyer decides to make sure the word count doesn't get too bloated at this moment, but not others, and chooses not to tell us why the *** does she have miles of lead wire.

“She was sure there were Airbnb stories of destruction much more interesting than this one.” Signs of an exploding meth beaver and a hole cut into the roof and holes drilled into a cow examination table would definitely attract more attention than her stupid face in public. The table could be worth over $5,000 dollars. I don't know because websites are awfully reluctant to share prices. Also, stealing clothes could attract attention.

“The dog had chewed or clawed a hole two feet high and a foot wide right through the centre of the solid wood door.” And thus, Meyer gives up any pretense at realism or quality or research.

Cranky Edward calls Fifty Shades of Sherlock a pervert for trying to cut off his wet suit. So... Cranky Edward flew a plane, wearing a wetsuit, body armour, and a parachute, to break into a barn.

“She pursed her lips, then relaxed them when that pulled at the split.” No, that does the opposite. Fifty Shades of Sherlock doesn't know what her face is doing.

And then they stand around in a circle, complimenting each other. “'we've got both dangerous creatures on the same team.'” “'It's a clever idea.'” “Insightful for a civilian.” *gag* None of them have done anything remotely intelligent before the book even started. Calling her out on her bullshit is the only smart thing Cranky Edward has said and it has been the only sign of intelligence we have ever seen, or will see, in this book.

Cranky Edward threatens to punch her in the face. I wish he had. Dopey Edward decides a walking pair of boobs with a nice face is more important than his brother.

By the way, Cranky Edward jumped out of a plane to get there. Where did the plane go? He doesn't know. Probably a cornfield, if he's lucky, instead of a small child's bedroom if he's unlucky. But whatever, it's not like anyone's going to look into and put it on the news, right?

Fifty Shades of Sherlock accepts Cranky Edward's hospitality while planning on spiking his food with laxatives.

And surprise, she doesn't go to sleep at the end of this chapter.