Memories of Sand

I'm finally actually working on finishing reading Seventy-Eight Degrees of Wisdom, because I might be doing in-person Tarot readings for people on Saturday?! And I just read the 9 of Pentacles and how it stands for work. The work you have to do to become a master at something.

I need to stop endlessly refreshing the internet and actually do the work.

The first step is figuring out what work, exactly, I need to be doing...

sigh. (thank you all who commented on my last entry. ♥)

I have officially been away from home and pressing monetary matters enough to start feeling completely lost. Because, when you get right down to it, who am I when I'm not worrying endlessly about making ends meet and keeping myself afloat (monetarily, metaphysically, physically, mentally)? So I'm making some "relax" tea that I bought at the farmers' market this morning and writing here, because typing is so much easier than writing by hand. Sadly.

One thing that will probably help me while I'm away from home is daily Tarot readings. I've been saving my strength for dealing with cats the last week, which is keeping me from thinking about what's important to me. tarnished is such a creative person without even trying to be (after years of practice at being that creative person), and I'm struggling to figure out who I am when you take me away from trying to conform to what the capitalist society wants me to be. I used to want to be a writer. I used to want to draw. I used to think I could be creative. Of course, over the past few months, I've been pursuing the idea that I need to "make enough money to live off of", and that that's the purpose of life. It's not.

But it is what capitalism wants me to think, and it is something I've tried to adhere to recently. With, of course, detrimental results.

I've spent a lot of the past week asleep, recovering from months of overdoing it. Which has made it hard to figure out what I'm doing here. I just... I think what I really need is a retreat, time to sleep, time to actually take care of myself. Which is what I'm attempting to do right now. Badly. It's making me anxious - though what doesn't turn on the anxiety? That can use anything as a trigger. Who am I? I am not at all comfortable with the unknown, and I'm wondering how to be more comfortable. Perhaps I need more meditation. Perhaps I need a routine of meditation, Tarot, and creative works while I'm here. I just don't if that's going to be okay. Who am I when I'm not moving all the time? It's a pretty scary question.

My day was (I am pleased to say) not dominated by the shoulda-woulda-coulda's that normally swirl around my head. Usually it's, "Why aren't you cleaning? What are you going to do to earn money? Try to be productive while watching that TV show, and I don't mean doodling, I mean concrete things!" Actually, early this morning, I asked myself why I was up and moving and doing things; "didn't I just want to lay around and read and watch tv? Why am I dressed already? How have I only been awake an hour and am getting things done?" (Even then I watched an episode of Grimm when I woke up!)

So, uh, I guess it really is okay to not want to do much of anything over the weekend, because that doesn't mean I'm not-worthy. (Also it means that my standards are too high. For a large part of my life, every second of my day counted hugely, and now it doesn't and I just realized that this moment. I think I have to be Doing Something every second because otherwise not everything will get done, but I'm not in that environment or time of life anymore. Even with my "lazy" weekend I got some big chores done.)

This morning I did some important emails, got in touch with someone about her web site, some exchange about more web site work with my dad/his stuff, got dressed... and didn't waste any brain power on how bad I was being because I wasn't doing any job applications or following up with people that way.

Then I spend the afternoon doodling and brainstorming with tarnished about an idea of hers that could eventually lead to some income. Creative income. Creating things still makes time fly by, and I need to live in more moments of creation.

I'm still not sure where I'm going, but I'm feeling better about battling the brain demons. (I started using my sun lamp a lot over the weekend. I'm sure that helped too.)

I'm taking a break from All Da Chores Today to check in here. (Always, always spend 30 minutes after vacuuming away from the vacuumed room; if possible make sure there is fresh air coming into the vacuumed room. Or at least do this if you're one of those people who reacts to everything. Did I tell anyone here about my new toothpaste rash? YEAH. My dad: "Wow. Your immune system." Not even a complete sentence.)

This morning I went to an Introduction to Zen Meditation at the Minnesota Zen Meditation Center, which was an hour drop-in lesson on Bodhisattva with a guided meditation for fifteen minutes. Really sitting within my body for fifteen minutes was... hm. What's a good way to describe it? It helped me get a good grasp on the problems occurring within my body right now because of how stressed out I've been. I don't know how to "fix" things, but fixing wasn't the reason for meditating. I realized I'm unbalanced, and I have some anxiety-caused breathing problems right now. It is good to *know* without a certainty that my mind has ill effects on my body, and that I am not being kind to myself. I have a lot of healing to do before I can, if I knew how.

The teacher reminded me of Aang from Avatar: The Last Airbender. Of course he was much older than Aang, but between being bald and laughing spontaneously, a joyful, carefree laugh—very Aang. I liked it. I might go back sometime.

I feel overwhelmed. There is always some demand on my time and energy. With two internships, LunshBreak, roleplaying message board, Dreamwidth, Sunbeam Soapbox, keeping up with the news and activism, I am just... tired and overwhelmed. I am not protecting myself as much as I need to, and the real funny thing is that I just told my roommate today that sometimes I feel like I'm saying no far more often than I should. But to be honest I haven't really said no to something in a while, and it's draining me. I have another week of very many meetings, and lots of work, and social events and I STILL don't feel like I have time to job hunt. Is there a meaning to this?

I haven't really kept up with Dreamwidth in a while, either, and it's not like I don't have time. Or is it? My time has definitely been taken up with a LOT of things going on, many of them good and useful. But I still have not been quite one hundred percent honest with myself and the fact is that I'm an introvert. I'm an introvert that's been hanging out on Skype, Gchat, and in chatboxes all the time recently, and of course I'm going to feel sapped if that's what I'm doing. When I could be commenting, or writing an entry on feeling fake, or taking pictures for my blog, or catching up on the 30+ unread emails of the end of the week. (Note to self: I'm sorry.)

Not to say that I don't enjoy it: I do, perhaps too much. To the point where I'm strained and not taking care of myself the way I truly need to. I can't help being an introvert, and when the times call for being a little extra extroverted for friends and work and volunteer activism, I need to give myself the time away from chatting to replenish myself. I can tell when I've been neglecting myself. There's a feeling. And maybe when I enforce those boundaries I'll get back to sleeping better. (Please. I could really use the extra time in the morning to get stuff done.) I have so many things I want to do that I haven't been because I'm wondering whether that person will talk to me, or whether I'll see that person in the chatbox, or whether this or that drama will go on. That's not how I want my life to go.

So, hopefully I'll get back to reading Dreamwidth for realsies? Maybe? And enforce some down time from all those instant messages? Because really - I have SO much going on last week and this. I would like to be underwhelmed again.