Memories of Sand

With your feedback I've made a decision: I'd like to make a community here for Tarot study, but it'll be a weekend project, I think. For now I'm doing one card draws and writing about them in a notebook I found lying around. :) (I have about a million notebooks lying around.)

Dreamwidth hive mind! My mom mentioned to me that I should try to track symptoms on my phone to talk to a doctor about later. Does anyone use one they like? untonuggan suggested symple, but it only works for iOS.

Down for maintenance! How will I lurk around for two hours and be amused?!

I have quite a few things I need to say and get feedback on, but to be honest, I'm really not feeling the journaling format at the moment. Get me on IM and I'll possibly ramble without pause. (Oops.) I'm desperately trying to hold myself off on signing up for a roleplay forum I know of that has a chatbox, because I don't want to spiral down the same path I did as a teenager (also, I don't roleplay, which defeats the purpose of the site). But it has a chatbox! Possibly with people in it!!

Yeah, I guess I'm starting to feel a bit alone and lonely.

Or something.

Hey, question to those on my access-list. My policy so far is to write things on "spiritual" topics under general access-lock, with the assumption that you know whether or not you want to skip it and therefore will do as you will accordingly. However, a lot of people I read have different filters rather than just access-lock, and I figured I'd ask: is there anyone who wants me to have so-called "spiritual" (maybe a better word would be: searching/seeking/questioning) posts under a filter, so you don't have to see it? If so, ask, and ye shall receive.

(Example of such posts: Dedication, letting go of Wicca, and a book review) (Uh, apparently I don't talk about this much... yet. Since I have a good stack of books to read and absorb at the moment, I think that will change.)

Yesterday I received a package from my mom. It included more than one note along the lines of "Thank you for being there during my difficult time," which made me all choke-y and teary-eyed. Of course I had to be there. You don't just let the important people in your life go through things on their own. Or at least, I can't. I needed to repay my mom for being such a monumental presence in my life; not only has she given me life, but she has encouraged me to spread my wings and do what I like with my life. She has listened without judgement and told me when she's powerless to help. I have always leaned on her, and I want her to be able to lean on me sometimes, too. Because I would like to be strong.

So it was — a little uncomfortable? to receive these kind notes and some thank-you gifts. One of which was a keychain from Relay for Life. She did a survivors' lap on the 17th. =) Another was a beautiful pendant. I feel so many good things about this pendant. I have a lot of necklaces, but this suddenly made me think: I need to wear it every day for a while. Perhaps charge it. Perhaps it will charge me.

I'm having interesting feelings and intuitions lately.

ETA: I just found this scanned essay by Diana Wynne Jones on the thought processes behind Fire and Hemlock (which I wish I owned a copy of). It's amazing, and makes me feel incredibly small and simplistic in comparison. I wish I could be such a fount of knowledge and complexity.

(Originally written for Sunbeam Soapbox and mirrored there.)

Last night, while doing what I do best, which is berating myself for all the things I can't do, I realized what I was doing and took a step back. Watched a movie. Knitted a bit. Then I came back to my senses and, as if by magic, I found a few things that hit home.

I've been spending a lot of time on Dreamwidth lately, and after the movie and knitting I found this post: the ghost in the room, or, why modesty is a dirty fucking word. It cracked through a lot of things about me that I have blinded myself to. I'd really encourage you to read through all of the post and the comment threads I link here. When I look at myself, all I see are my flaws and the things I haven't done yet. I see all the things I wish I were and am not. I remember in middle school and early high school I would get compliments on my capability with teaching myself computer and web design skills, but I would brush them off until I didn't hear them. Exactly like this:

Someone offers you a compliment on something you have done or accomplished; 'modesty' forces you to demur and claim that your achievement wasn't all that special; your complimenter, and all those who have heard the exchange, are left with the impression that because they value this thing you have done (and they must have valued it or they wouldn't have complimented it), and because you claim that it wasn't anything worthy of value, that their ability to accurately assess value is broken.

( And cut for epic length. )

Thanks for reading this far. It means a lot to me.