Feeling lost
Aug. 1st, 2015 14:28![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
syntaxofthingsI have officially been away from home and pressing monetary matters enough to start feeling completely lost. Because, when you get right down to it, who am I when I'm not worrying endlessly about making ends meet and keeping myself afloat (monetarily, metaphysically, physically, mentally)? So I'm making some "relax" tea that I bought at the farmers' market this morning and writing here, because typing is so much easier than writing by hand. Sadly.
One thing that will probably help me while I'm away from home is daily Tarot readings. I've been saving my strength for dealing with cats the last week, which is keeping me from thinking about what's important to me. tarnished is such a creative person without even trying to be (after years of practice at being that creative person), and I'm struggling to figure out who I am when you take me away from trying to conform to what the capitalist society wants me to be. I used to want to be a writer. I used to want to draw. I used to think I could be creative. Of course, over the past few months, I've been pursuing the idea that I need to "make enough money to live off of", and that that's the purpose of life. It's not.
But it is what capitalism wants me to think, and it is something I've tried to adhere to recently. With, of course, detrimental results.
I've spent a lot of the past week asleep, recovering from months of overdoing it. Which has made it hard to figure out what I'm doing here. I just... I think what I really need is a retreat, time to sleep, time to actually take care of myself. Which is what I'm attempting to do right now. Badly. It's making me anxious - though what doesn't turn on the anxiety? That can use anything as a trigger. Who am I? I am not at all comfortable with the unknown, and I'm wondering how to be more comfortable. Perhaps I need more meditation. Perhaps I need a routine of meditation, Tarot, and creative works while I'm here. I just don't if that's going to be okay. Who am I when I'm not moving all the time? It's a pretty scary question.
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Date: 2015-08-01 23:05 (UTC)Sleep is good! Break is good!
And you've still got some time in Boston, yes? Even just getting out of your own head can be really good - and changing environments hopefully helps with that.
I hope you can fall into a creative rhythm while you're there. It sounds like you're with some awesome people who could support you in that.
It's *not easy* to get out of the mindset of making ends meet, that mindset that capitalism is driving in to you. Especially when - yes, money IS scary. And I think it's especially difficult to imagine a world of doing what's best for you re: career when you're so. damn. tired.
You're at such a good point to figure it out too! Tarot + creativity + meditation is a lovely thing.
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Date: 2015-08-05 13:49 (UTC)(And yep, still in Boston - you will be one of the first people I'll try to see when I get back, so I'll definitely be in touch!)
I'm filled with awe at how much I've pushed myself in the last few months, that I'm SO tired during this break. I've finally stopped sleeping forever, but I am definitely still not up to peak energy. So... yeah. This. And maybe I'm not going to be creative as such as much as I'd like while I'm here, but I'm at least doing a ton of thinking and resting to get myself back to a place where I can be okay.
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Date: 2015-08-02 03:50 (UTC)My bet is "Somebody awesome!"
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Date: 2015-08-02 18:10 (UTC)ooh, Piglet in icon!
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Date: 2015-08-02 15:44 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-02 18:09 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-02 17:06 (UTC)Ohhh, this sentence is so hard and important. *hugs* Much luck and clarity to you in figuring it out.
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Date: 2015-08-02 18:13 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-03 01:08 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-03 15:05 (UTC)You're taking the time to figure out everything. You're questioning a lot of things very deeply. That takes time and yes, causes a lot of anxiety in everyone I think.
I'm rooting for you!
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Date: 2015-08-05 13:59 (UTC)So, really, truly, deeply, thank you.
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Date: 2015-08-05 17:03 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-08-04 04:38 (UTC)The mediation may help - the guide that I'm using right now is pretty good about shifting between concentrating on breathing, on observing the thoughts as they pass, and on just letting the thoughts run their way through. If nothing else, it seems to help me so the whirling for a few moments.
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Date: 2015-08-05 13:56 (UTC)Yes. Thanks. ♥
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Date: 2015-08-04 15:15 (UTC)When I was 23 I was struggling to pay rent on two minimally paid jobs, freaking out about the future, depressed, and plagued by repetitive strain injuries that developed in my senior year of college and in the summer afterward. Eventually it got bad enough that I decided to quit my (minimally paid) jobs and move in with my parents to heal. I spent a year and a half with them.
It was an interesting time. I had an enormous amount of free time but not a lot of freedom or activity, which had consequences good and bad. One the one hand, I was probably the best-informed about current events I've ever been in my life. I read newspapers and magazines, watched Democracy Now!, Chris Hayes' TV show, and the Rachel Maddow show every day, and reflected on stuff. I taught myself to meditate and sometimes it helped.
On the other hand, I also developed anxiety about stuff I hadn't been anxious about before, got badly out of shape, developed new injuries, and acquired a new interest in spirituality that, while interesting enough, hasn't really done much more than confuse me. I was facing a lot of uncertainty and not coping well.
I had the idea that I needed to 'get well' and then I would be able to leave. It didn't really happen that way. My pain lessened, but I never did feel really secure in my body. I got good enough at using Dragon NaturallySpeaking to go back to doing part-time freelance work without my hands. Eventually I was forced to move out, when my dad's job took him to Norway. That was when I truly started to heal, because I had activity and purpose to fill my days and I had to just get on with using my body. I haven't healed completely, I still have chronic pain and ~problems~ and my new anxieties didn't go away, but I feel a lot healthier than I did then.
I guess what I've learned from this is that it's really lovely to spend some time relaxing and being gentle with myself, but there has to be an end-point. Some future plan. The plan can and should change, but having none at all, for me at least, was worse than it wasn't.
Also that it's important to have projects and distractions if you're prone to anxiety.