Memories of Sand

Last night I was playing around not doing much in particular and I ran across this site, Tarot Dame. It had some exercises in it, so I did the "Your Tarot Initials" exercise to see what happens. It's a bit amusing, actually, but it makes me think: What am I supposed to do next with this information?



(Yes, I bought my Rider-Waite deck in Austria. So we have Queen of Pentacles, the Magician, and the High Priestess.)

I find it noteworthy that they're all a person, rather than a number or even a floating hand (aces anyone?). There is also a lot of flowers in these. YAY FLOWERS. (I do have more flower pictures to put up, from the Conservatory on Friday.) And yellow sunlight. I get such a boost from sunlight. It's become less a weird quirk and more an acceptance of how I am. The sun shines and I smile and dance.

The Queen of Pentacles seems like someone who will support and care for you to the end of the earth, and that's pretty much how I am. (My dad, for all his faults and how hard he is to comprehend, is the same way. If you're someone he's loyal to, and you need something, he's there in a heartbeat. Well, I will be too, even to the point where I disregard my own needs if you need me. Me? Not so important. You? Terribly important. And "you" isn't second person you—if you're reading this, this means YOU. I'm there for you.) See how carefully she's holding the coin? She's really proud of it, as I am really proud of all the amazing things people I know can do.

As for the Magician, the only thing I got out of him at first was "...I want to wield magic?" Yeah, I dunno. With the High Priestess I thought, "Uh, I'm searching for that kind of sacredness?" Then I found a site with some associations: The Magician, The High Priestess. I had to laugh. They're such opposites, but they're both so me. If something needs to be done, I do it. (If there isn't a leader for something, I also fall into a position of responsibility. I can also be bossy at that, which isn't as good, and why I try to let other people be responsible for people. Oh, but see, that's the High Priestess side: drawing away from action.)

If you look at those associations, they kind of characterize my weekdays. At school, I'm focused, precise, on task. Once I get home, though, all is lost and my mind wanders around and into the clouds. I like clouds. I'm not so sure about the mystery and potential of the High Priestess, as I'm not self-reflective enough to have any idea what that means, but I can see how I embody both action and nonaction, conscious and unconscious awareness. The more I self-reflect, the more complex I seem to myself, which scares me a little bit. If I don't get me, then no wonder no one else does.

And now comes the "So what?" What do I do with this? The more I self-reflect lately, the more I want to say to people, "See, this is how I am. Isn't that cool?" But very few people I know care about that. So why is it necessary to know these things about me? Why shouldn't I just go about my day and try my best to talk up others? (Isn't that all other people want to do?)

I'm gonna go finish cleaning the kitchen. I still need a "so what", but I don't think it's going to come to me while I write this. XD;