Memories of Sand

I am a kickass person who runs meetings and meets new people and works for the good of the planet! The more I say it, the easier it will be to believe?? (will someone love me for me and all my problems? even if I can't seem to make it in society's rules?)

That was my response to alwaysunami, who asked how people are doing on Facebook and I am trying harder and harder to convince myself that I have worth just by who I am and what that means. Also, inadequacy is coming up in the feeeels and emotions. Like, I am starting to build a life more like I fantasize about rather than what I believe is "the only thing possible for someone like me", where "someone like me" is someone who does not get good things and does not deserve good things and I have NO idea why I've so convinced myself that I'm not necessary in the world and no one would want me. Friendship - okay maybe but I'm always waiting for someone to turn around and cut me loose, no warning. Love - ha! Right. Like someone would want this broken shell of a person who can't figure out a reason to be and furthermore could NEVER contribute in the world, so why bother?

I think a big reason I do all the things I do is to try (though ultimately fail) to convince myself that I deserve to exist, that I am not a piece of garbage, that at least I can do those small things to make differences in the world. (The smallest of things, in my self-worth, though probably they are rather big things to be doing.)

But, sometimes, a piece of my deepest, darkest truth comes free. alwaysunami told me that they had started singing Pharrell Williams's "Happy" in their mind while talking to me, then told me: "You resonate that song, even when you are sad." That being of light and love that I see when I close my eyes in a safe place, that is who I was, am, could be.

I just wish... You know, job hunting is still going, and I'm not sure why, because it's going so badly. Nobody wants me. Nobody.

Okay, I can't write anymore. I suppose this is one of the reasons it's so hard for me lately -- I don't want to face all the things. I can see the hole, I feel its edges pulling at me, but if I ignore it, if I just keep goinggoingoing don't stop, don't look, don't let it pull you in -- I'm close to the barrier between the hole and the real world, if I just send one more job app, do one more grassroots activist thing, get one more meal down... Someday, something will finally yank me to the other side, the side that's safe from the endless despair. Someday.