sotros

How the fuck did I get sucked into posting my rambling thoughts in the meaningless piece of shit forum again, guess it has something to do with stalking people I love and care about via their journals and feeling some twang of guilt, or maybe because Lisa has started posting again, and our mutual friends might like to hear from me. Fuck it,  who cares, I'm here.

Not really much to write about since my last entry I guess, don't remember if i had posted about my relapse last January or not, too lazy to look and see, but Fuck It I'm clean and sober again, so now you guys who didn't know, know.

Used to dump some pretty heavy shit in here, had to stop. Seemed like all I was doing was picking the scabs on wounds that were starting to heal.  Instead of dumping the pain and confusion I kept it fresh and stirred up, ended up drinking, almost divorced, trying to cop some dope, and general fucked up and not necessarily in that order. Fuck it, made it through, and came out better for it in the end.


Life in general is pretty uneventful.  The kids are growing up faster than I can keep track of, and another baby is on the way, wow can't believe I'm gonna be a dad again. Making some headway on finishing my amends list, down to just a few names and got the ball rolling to get another scratched off, hafta talk to my sponsor about it some more tho, not quite sure what exactly I should do in this situation. Recently got promoted to kitchen manager of the restaurant I've been working in for almost two years now. Nice to finally achieve something, but the long hours are really taking a toll on my personal life. I see my kids maybe an hour a day and Lisa and I seem rather distant cause of the lack of quality time. Not 100% sure if I'm gonna stick with it or not. Fuck it, time will tell and in the mean time I'll keep collecting the FAT bonus checks.

Fuck it thats enough outa me.

So where has Sotros been?

A few people have noticed my public absence of late and I thought I'd drop them a line to let them know all is well in crazy land, I've just stopped spending time at my computer and been trying to live in the real world. Buckets of stuff to write down,  but nothing new. Struggling with my relationships, sobriety and getting ahead in the career world. Maybe later on I can sit down and start putting this stuff down.

Well it's been a wild couple of days, but I managed to come through it without being completely insane, just mostly.

Had a real jealous moment with Lisa last night after she came in from spending time with Kris. I'm pretty sure I've identified the main cause of my jealousy and I'm working on over coming it. It all boils down to a question of self-image. I have an image of myself as a worthless person. I feel that Lisa wants to be with Kris because she doesn't want me, and that I don't make her happy. With how I feel about myself I can't believe that she loves me and wants me and isn't trying to replace me with someone else. For now I'm combating those feelings by being determined to BELIEVE that Lisa does want me, she does love, and she isn't going to replace me. I've also made a list of things about myself that are positive that I keep looking at to undo the negative feelings about myself. Both solutions will take time to overcome my jealousy, but I don't believe in quick fixes. It took me 32 years to get this fucked up, I'm not going to get better over night.

I feel as if I've made some wonderful progress in my recovery in the last few days, and oddly enough it's come through polyamory. Talking with Tacit about how to manage my jealous and overcome it in order to have a poly relationship gave me a major GE moment in my recovery step work. He said to me "Hardest part is just believing it's possible". I had a major epiphany when he said that. I've been in recovery for 4 years. I was clean and sober for 4 years. I know it's possible to not drink and use. Drinking and using however is a just a coping mechanism for life. The real problem is centered between my ears, the insane thoughts running around inside there. The insanity is painful, and four years clean it didn't go away. I had resolved myself that I was always going to be fucked up inside. Thats not true tho. My recovery program wants to "restore me to sanity", not just help me quit drinking, not just help me stay clean, but help me become sane. Thats what I want, to be sane, and I never thought it was possible for me to be sane, but now I believe I can be in time. Just knowing that it's possible makes life a million percent better, and gives me motivation to work towards it.

With a little luck I'll have my drivers license back in another week or two. Originally I had gotten a ticket for speeding in a construction zone. 650$ fine and 4 points on my license. Ouch! I wrote the clerk of courts and explained my financial situation to them hoping to get an extension on the ticket to be able to come up with the cash to pay it so I could keep my license. Well I never could come up with the cash so I lost my license anyhoo, but the judge changed the charge to "speed too fast for conditions" , a 200$ fine and no points on my license. I dropped a money order in the mail today, and I'm on my way back to being a legal driver! Can't wait to be able to get in the car and go when i want instead of waiting on a ride. I'll be able to go to more AA meetings!

Well I'm kinda tired and miss Lisa quite a bit. She at the store with kris. I'm going to go lay down and see if I can't get some shut eye.

So I decided that I'm going to keep posting here after all, but alot of my posts are probably going to be private, I've already gone through and marked the more troublesome ones as private. I've been using this format as a way to sort out my troublesome feelings and thoughts so that maybe I can make some sense out of them, but that seems to cause a bit of static and as a result I hold back on what I'm really thinking and feeling. If I'm going to resolve some of these issues I need to be brutally honest when I go to write them down. So don't be expecting many insane posts from me.

Lisa and I are having our ups and downs. I'm having a very hard time adjusting to her relationship with Kris. Her and I ended up getting in another argument last night and the end result of it is I'm just to freaking codependent. Too much of my mental and emotional well being is based upon what she does and says. I'm not entirely sure how to change this. My world is built around her. I need to figure out how to build a new world around myself. I'm not sure what kind of world it is I want so I decided a good start towards this end would be to start on taking care of myself. Daily meditation and journal entries is a good start towards this.

I picked up a new white chip Tuesday. My new sobriety date is January 31st 2006. Maybe this time I can actually get sober instead of just getting dry. Thats been alot of my problem. For the last year or so I wasn't sober I was just dry. The insanity of my disease will always be with me, but for the last year or so I've been just treating the symptoms and not the cause. You'd think that after 4 years of being in AA I'd know how to treat the cause, but I don't. Meditation and journal entries will certainly help towards this end.

I spent Tuesday night at Penny's in Tampa. Roger drove up from Tampa to bring Lisa her Valentines day present from me. Her name is Yui. She's a 5ft long python. I'm quite afraid of snakes but I'm becoming used to her pretty quickly, I might even hold her soon. I rode back with Roger to Tampa and was able to patch up what was left of our friendship. We're not lovers anymore, but at least we are still friends, I feel good about that. Penny's car broke down on the way to meet up with us and after Roger and I dropped her off, we ended up waiting around for 20 minutes or so until her roommate got there with the tow truck to help us. We had to wait until he got off work to be able to get a ride back to her house, but we eventually made it there about 3 am or so and finally got to sleep about 5 am. Lisa called a few times that night, even tho it was her Idea for me to go down there and spend the night with her, she was still very uncomfortable with it all. As much as I enjoyed being with Penny and getting a little more time to get to know her, I missed Lisa alot. The next day Penny's friend gave us a ride back to my house in Wildwood and she spent Wednesday night and most of Thursday with us. Had a great time, hope I get to see her again soon but I haven't heard from her. I know she had a busy weekend, so I waited til Sunday to call her but got her voice mail. Penny give me a shout of some kind.

Sunday was a birthday party at Janine's house for her oldest daughter. Jim and I got a nice bonfire going and we had hot dogs and s'mores and cake. After the birthday festivities we then started heaping Janine's maternity clothes on the fire, a close to Janine's fertility. Kris was at work the whole time so I got to spend the afternoon with my family, without him and it was very nice. Sometimes I feel like he's invaded so much of my life that I don't have a wife and family anymore. I feel like they are his wife and family and I'm the outsider. Maybe this is because I'm so selfish and self centered, and I need to learn how to share a little better. Maybe once he moves out in March I'll feel a little less threatened and can be a tad more generous towards him.

Well I'm going to go wake Lisa up and spend some time meditating. BBL

You know I just realized how full of fear I really am. Actually I've known for a while I'm an extremely fearful person, I just thought I had the courage to overcome it. The truth is I have shit for courage. Oh yes, when things terrify the shit out of me, like say a polyamourous relationship with my Lisa, I close my eyes and jump in head first, but that is not courage, that is reckless blind faith, something I seem to have plenty of.I'm not entirely sure what courage is, maybe it's just the lack of fear, or maybe fear not having an effect, I dunno, but my fears keep me in a very powerful grip. They whisper insane thoughts into my head that defy all reason. They paralyze me from taking the next right step that I need to take in this journey called life. And probably most damaging they twist my perception on situations to show only the negatives and then magnify them a thousand times over. Some courage would be nice, cause fear just seems to be a permanent part of life.

It's been a long rough weekend.
Ended up not getting Thursdays off like I usually do and have been working grill all weekend. I guess for me it's kind of a good thing cause with all thats been going on I need a good distraction. When I'm on grill I don't have time to think of anything but my work, so whatever is going on in my personal life isn't running in circles around my mind driving me crazy.
Lisa is falling more and more in love with Kris which is a little scary. Fears don't listen to logic unfortunately. There is no logical reason as to why she would want to get rid of me or replace me with him but my fears won't shut the fuck up. Kris is still up in the air about her which makes for a very unstable place for Lisa to be emotionally, which then rubs off on me, and makes me crazy in turn. Boy needs to get off the fence with her and either go for it or just fucking stop and leave it as friends.

OK now for a little story.

Kris meets up with Rachael they hit it off blah blah blah. Rachael is a major drunk and dope fiend, something that rather bothered Kris. She is also still hung up on her ex boyfriend who lives in Rhode Island. She ends up trying to keep Kris on a leash so she can fly up there to try and work things out with him, not wanting to end it with Kris until she gets back from RI. Kris is like fuck that I'm outies. Rachael comes back and is shot down in RI and Kris is now re involved with Lisa. Kris tells her it is over between them, he doesn't even want to be fuck buddies, or really friends for that matter. Rachael continues to call him and bug him and Kris doesn't have the balls to say "Look I'm involved with someone else can you stop". While Kris was together with Rachael he had told her 12 year old little brother that when he got the money he'd go to Islands of Adventure with him. Rachael comes up to him today at work and tells him their going to the them park tomorrow and he had made a promise to come. Lisa and Kaela spent most of the afternoon planning on stuff to do together as a family that could include Kris. Lisa goes to Wal-Mart with Lisa and tells her that he's not staying the night or hanging out tomorrow, he's off to spend the day with Rachael and her little brother. Ouch. Your fucking ex-girlfriend is more important than spending the day with us. Man if it was up to me this shit would be done and over with. Lucky for him it's not.

Now I just need to figure out what to do about my sobriety. Lisa and I got into a fight Wednesday night and out of spite I went to the fridge grabbed the bottle of wine thats been sitting there for god knows how long and knocked it back. I might have had like 3 or 4 swallows, maybe 5. Since then the retard in my head is saying to me "hey you've already relapsed, might as well do it right and get nice and drunk and stoned". Personally I'm not quick to call it a relapse. Maybe it is maybe it is, but deciding that I've already fucked up and throwing everything out the window to go get rip roaring drunk is a bad bad bad idea. It is hella more tempting to get stoned tho, and I'm really glad we're broke as shit right now or I woulda already bought a mad fat sack of weed. Man I can't wait til Janine gets back in town so I can talk to her. She'll definitely help me sort this shit out and not pull any punches in the process. I hope things are going good with her and the baby.

Well I think I'm gonna go lay down and watch some idiot box for a bit. Peace out yo.

OK so Nikki posted this in her Journal, figured I'd do the same. Send your responses to Erekose@cfl.rr.com



would you.....

- go out with me?

- give me your number?

- call me?

- e-mail me?

- kiss me?

- let me kiss you?

- hurt me?

- lie to me?

- Would you love me?

- watch a movie with me?

- take me out to dinner?

- drive me somewhere

- cut some rug with me?

- take a shower with me?

- be my bf/gf?

- have a fling with me?

- buy me a drink?

- take me shopping?

- give me a good massage?

- take me home for the night?

- Would you let me sleep in your bed?

- Would you sleep with me?

- Sing car karaoke w/ me?

- serenade me?

- Give me a good time?

- Be there for me?

- have a 24 hour makeoutathon with me?

- Would you want me?

- sit in the doctors office with me because I didn't want to go alone?

- re-post this for me to answer your questions?

- travel with me?

- Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?

-hold me while I cried?

-marry me?

-make me dinner?

-make me smile?

-Be my friend?

 

-Tell me the truth no matter what?

 

-Buy me a birthday gift?

 

-Lie to make me feel better?

 

-Spread rumors about me?

 

-Go out at 4 am to buy me chocolate?

 

-Keep a secret if I told you one?

 

-Loan me some cash?

 

-Hold my hand?

 

-Keep in touch?

 

-Make me a snack?

 

-Try and solve my problems?

 

-Hold me in times of need?

 

-Ditch me?

 

-Use me?

 

-Ask me out?

 

-Kiss me whenever you had the chance?

 

-Hold me and make my problems go away?

 

-Kiss my forehead?

 

-Tell me you loved me?

 

What would you do if....

 

I cried:

 

I said I liked you:

 

I kissed you:

 

I was hospitalized:

 

I ran away from home:

 

We got in a fight:

 

I got dumped:

 

I pissed you off:

Two days off and not a damn thing accomplished. Yesterday I was extremely tired from a long week at work and just lazed about to recuperate. Today I wake up to a sinus headache that will not go away. I'm very afraid a sinus infection is starting, it damn sure feels like it.

things between Lisa and I are....tumultuous. One minute things are wonderful, hugging kissing, just holding each other, next minute one of us says something to the other that just strikes a nerve and it's off to the races again. By races I mean shouting, slammed doors, and the eventual cold silence. 99% of this is me. I'm in alot of emotional turmoil. One second I'm perfectly fine with our relationship next second I'm terrified, overwhelmed and shutting down emotionally, or lashing out. I can't seem to find my center. Maybe I just need to say fuck it and do what makes me happy, and let Lisa do what makes her happy. Just seems impossible to do without shutting her out and hardening myself to her, I don't want that :(

Time for a long overdue update bring you guys up to speed. It's a lot so I'll try to keep it in order as best as possible.

So last I left you Lisa had gotten involved with a co-worker of mine and I was not happy about it. Well K (my co-worker) hooked up with Lisa on Monday, went to a party on Wednesday and hooked up with a coworker of ours. All fine and good but he didn't come to Lisa and say hey, I met someone. OK,  he didn't it to be deceitful or harmful he just didn't know what to do about approaching Lisa. Long story short the chick he hooked up with is a fucking nut job and has now broken his heart. Now he's all fucked up and heart broken and is bugging the shit out of us. Didn't see him in two weeks while he was hooked up with NutJob, but now he's got time for us, bleh. If he's looking to hook back up with Lisa to help mend his broken heart he's got another thing coming. Friends is kewl. Close friends is kewl. At first I felt that anything beyond that I'm gonna hafta kick his ass, what with the way things have gone and all but I'm not so sure of that anymore. K wants us as friends first and foremost, and if we can't ALL be friends, any kind of relationship is just out of the picture for him. Plus he's stated he doesn't think he's ready for a relationship, he has to work on himself for a bit. Helps me feel much better about everything. With K's close proximity to us I feel very threatened by him. Not that I'm going to loose Lisa or anything like that, just that I'm going to loose alot of our time together. On the other hand the feelings that Lisa has for him are very strong, and the potential for a wonderful relationship are there.  Fucking fear. I hate that shit. I'm going to overcome it.

Dimples is still in the picture, sorta. He's now at the level of fuck buddy. Too bad he's a bottom and not a top and he also doesn't shave. OH well, he's still cute.

Carl. One of Lisa's "flavor of the week" boyfriends. At first things really seemed like they were really going to work out towards something more long term. He's cute, he's single, he's BI, he has a nice cock, he's a good kisser, he shaves AND he's a top. YES!!!SCORE!!!! Way to pick out a good one Baby. After he came to visit he went back to where he lived and has started playing come chase me with Lisa. He took of running and she let him run. Another one bites the dust.

Penny. You guys haven't heard anything about this lady yet. One night on OKCupid.com I was just kinda goofing off and noticed her online. Checked out her profile. She's single, she's about my age (sorry teeny boppers are just waaaaay to much potential drama), she's BI and she's POLY. Woooooo we might have a winner, lets start a conversation see if she's interesting to talk to and then go for a pic. Three hours of conversation go by and the pics she sent me are cute. End up on the phone talking for 2 more hours and we decide to meet, that day. She comes to the house to meet us and there's some real chemistry going on. This is where things get tricky. I had been off for 2 days and promised Lisa the night to herself. Penny coming over shot those plans right in the ass so i broke a promise to Lisa. So she was upset about the broken promise, and very upset about not getting the time to herself. Double whammy. By the time the kids are in bed Lisa is not psycho or being mean by any means but I can feel the mood change. Penny decides to go, we hug and kiss and then Lisa left for a little while to calm down. She comes back and we spend the next few hours in a semi argument. We get things all sorted out and go to bed, but the story is not done. Lisa feels very threatened by Penny and feels very insecure about me getting involved with her and gives me the go ahead to do what i want. I take her feelings into consideration and tell Penny that hey this is all kewl but we're going to have to take it slow. Penny seems to have no problem with this and tells me she completely understands, she likes me and is willing to take as long as it takes to allow Lisa to get comfortable. A couple days later Lisa read my chat logs (we have that understanding between us) and sees some things she doesn't like. She ends up telling me that I'm welcome to still stay involved with penny if I want, but she doesn't want to be friends or anything with her. In short pretty much a clandestine relationship with Penny. I'm not kewl with that. I didn't even get the chance to tell penny either, she stopped calling and I haven't seen her online either. Oh well.

LO. Man I was really starting to develop some feelings for her. She told me she wasn't too unsure about me she wanted to wait and see. I was kewl with that and more than willing to give her all the time she wanted, but I've really started to feel led on. Sorry I don't play that game. Either you like me or you don't and I'm fine with either but make a decision either way. I made the decision for her. Buh-bye.

Rentgrl. Nothing major here but she's shown up on the radar. Lisa had noticed her a while back and spent some time talking to her and mentioned her to me. I've spent the last few days talking to her and she seems interesting, we'll hafta see what if anything develops here :)

Ok kiddos I think that is everything, if not oh fucking well.

So I've had a slightly crazy week, been super busy at work, and finally got a day off. Been thinking of Lo in between dealing with my own personal neurosis. Lisa got involved with someone new, and I wasn't very happy about how it all went at first and I started to wig out, and he's a co-worker of mine, so if things go bad....well I'm sure you can put the rest together. We kept honest, we kept open, and we're working through it. I'm not too happy about the situation, but I'm once again closing my eyes and trusting her to trust me. Fortunately we've been through this before so we know how to get through it all again, and it not come between us. It's not easy being a non-poly trying to wrap your brain around the poly lifestyle. Luckily I have friends like Lo and Janine I can talk to, who are an impartial source, to give me input, reassurance, and if I need it a shoulder to cry on, or a kick in the ass to get off my pity pot. Makes me more and more fond of LO, and more and more appreciative of her and others being in my life. Things are uncomfortable, and very difficult, but they're not that bad, I've been through much much worse, and I need to keep that in perspective.

The biggest fear that keeps rearing it's ugly head is Lisa and I somehow splitting up, or us not being in love. I'd rather be split up than not be in love with each other. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, the only things that make things difficult for us and come between us and test the strength of our love is me. My reactions to change. My reactions to unexpected situations. My inability to let go of control and let her just be who she is and TRUST that she won't hurt me. I'm blessed that she is very very VERY patient and understanding with me, and knows that she just has to take the time to reassure me, and help me quiet my insecurities, and sometimes that just as simple as her saying, I love you, and all your flaws and faults. Hearing her say that, especially when she is in a relationship and could easily replace me, makes a world of difference.