Wow!
Anyone still use Livejournal? I think all of my friends are gone because there is nothing on my Friends Feed.
Update '09 Edition
Months later, and here I am updating again. I recall that it used to be a weekly, sometimes daily thing to update on my blogs. I look back on those times and think, "Hello, get a life?" For me, I had so much more that I should have been doing that I wasn't and it was a luxury that I took and ran with when I should have been doing other things with my time. Reflecting on it though, I did alot of thinking and internalizing and self reflection. It was nice and I would still like to do it more often. I should make the effort to do just that. It's not like I don't have the time to do it, though there are days where I don't. But I choose to do other things.
So since June of 08, I have been weighing myself on a weekly/bi-weekly basis. Last year, I tipped the scales at 599lbs and have really put forth alot of thought and work into changing my life. I now believe I can do it and Sara believes in me too, which helps motivate me when I hit rough times. So on record in my handy dandy spreadsheet and graph, I was around 587 in June or July. As of today at around 4:15pm, I am down to 543.1. It may not seem like a big jump, but for me it represents alot of work and alot of change and alot of sacrifice.
I know that there are many people that say it's easy once you set your mind too it, but it's not. Every day is a constant struggle. I have to find ways to constantly remind myself not to pick up that extra piece of food. Not to pick at the leftovers, not to get seconds, not to stop by and eat somewhere when you're all alone and noone would be the wiser about it. It reminds me of the AA meetings I went to with my father when they had sponsors. People they could call when they were feeling the urge to drink. Sometimes I feel like I could use a sponsor. Someone I could call up and that would understand when I say, "I got 2 bucks in my pocket that noone knows about and that value menu is callin' my name!" I know I could call Sara but I know that she gets disappointed when I do things I am not supposed to. We both know that it's going to happen sometimes, but she's invested so much into me that I hate letting her down. And most of the other people I know would just be like, "Uh, ok...?" Haha...it's hard to understand unless you've been an addict and think like one. More and more I draw paralles between the way I act about food and the way that a drug addict treats his fix. It's scary. I've seen both and the similarities are astounding.
Addicted to food? It's not a physical addiction, though there are physical "effects". When I eat until I'm full, I feel happy. I feel content. I feel as though everything is ok. It's comforting. I think most people feel the same way when they've had a really good meal or something that they like. But I'm not physically addicted. If I don't get my hamburger fix, I'm not going to go through the physical symptoms of withdrawls. I'm not going to shake and sweat and have pain and everything else that goes along with it. It's a mental addiction, almost all psychological and it's hard for many people to understand. Even some big folks just don't understand because it's not like that for everyone. Some people are big and will just always be that way and have always been that way. Maybe it's a hormone thing or a thyroid or something. I've know people that are big that don't eat alot, they are just big. Unless you know someone that has been through something simliar, sometimes it's really hard to understand.
But I'm beating it. A great friend of mine helped me realize that I can do it and that I am capable of it and that half of the battle was recognizing in myself that I can do it and that I am strong enough and able enough to get it done. Between him and Sara, I have come around alot in this area. I still have alot of work to do, but I can feel the confidence where there was doubt before and it's nice. And with the success of the weight loss, it's been a big help and big step in drilling it into me. There have been times in the last 8 or 9 months where I have actually gained weight between weigh-ins, but I have learned to use those times as motivators to help keep it going, rather than falling back into, "Yeah, I knew that would happen." mode and giving in. Did I say thanks, Bill? If not, then "Thanks brotha."
It's been fun to see. The small but noticeable effects that losing the weight is having on me. Sara and I can do more things than I have been able to do before. I have started walking to the corner store instead of driving all the time. I walk to the office and to the relatives houses around here instead of just hopping in the car and driving. I can reach around my back farther now. I can feel that the shirts that used to be just right are now fitting like the shirts that were just a little too big and the shirts that were just a little too big are now alot too big. I actually went to Walmart and got 2 shirts from their racks!! I haven't bought shirts in a "normal" store in 10+ years. Granted they are still "big" shirts, but the idea that I could actually get some clothing from a store instead of special ordering it online excites me. The shirts are still a bit too tight for my taste and I still want to lose more weight before I can wear them on the regular, but the fact that I even *can* wear them is a huge ray of sunshine for Sara and I both.
She has been with me through this whole transformation. When the job I had last completely screwed us during christmas and they pulled the crap that they did, she was right there telling me that I should just quit and that we could make it. She was there with me when I went through the process of applying and successfully getting disability. She was there when we were in financial binds telling me it was going to be ok and we would get caught up and to just keep my head up and do what I needed to do. She was there with me through everything and now we are where we need to be. We're out of the storm and we see the calm waves and beautiful land of possibilities that lay before us. She doesn't have to work herself into the ground anymore. She has been such an inspiration and a support to me and I only hope that I have been half of supportive of her in the things she's working on, as she has been for me. There have been countless times in the last year and a half where I have said "Fuck it" and decided that I was going to go back to work, only to have her sit down and talk to me and make me realize that what we are doing together is for the long term best for us. For us and for our children. But it's been hard.
My entire life I have supported my family. I've been working since I was 13. I worked all the way through school and as soon as I graduate I had a full time job. I worked 2 jobs for the first year Jen and I were together because we had a baby on the way. I always worked and supported my family alone. Through all of my relationships that's the way it's been. It's what I know. There were times I took jobs I hated like Telemarketing. Sometimes I didn't even live with my family, like when I took the job at Microsoft and worked there. I lived in Seattle in my car during the week and then saw my family on the weekends. I did whatever the fuck I had to do to make sure shit was taken care of.
That's why it's been such a hard transition to stay home full time. Hands down this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, aside from dealing with the death of my son. To go from being someone that is so independant and has this drive and this passion to work and be the "bread winner" and then switch it up and take a completely different role as the "home maker" is a juggernaut of an experience. (Side note: That is the coolest word ever, juggernaut!) I've had to deal with feelings I've never had before. Having to rely on someone else to provide for me while I was not getting disability. Feeling like I was less of a man because I wasn't working and bringing home the money. Inadequacy has been something that has been really hard for me to get past. Sometimes I still have problems dealing with it. Until you have swallowed your pride and willingly let someone else "take care" of you and yours, you will have no idea what it's like and how truly difficult it is. It has tore up my entire view of life and my so called "manliness". Having lived it and gone through it, I would venture to say that I'm more of a man now then I was before. It's really easy to have a job and keep it and provide for your family, comparitively speaking. It's much harder to be a home maker with a newborn and 4 other children that require your attention than it ever was to have a job. Even a mangement job was much easier. Needless to say, I look forward to the day when Alex is in school and I have gotten myself to a point where I can go back to work.
At one point, my left leg was bigger in circumfrence than a basketball. My left leg now is almost normal, for me. If I had to guess, it's probably 16-18 inches around now, which is down from around 34 inches. Talk about major change. I used to not be able to get my pants on all the way because of my leg. Now it's really loose and nice. Even my compression stockings slide down. I quit wearing my right leg stocking entirely because it wouldn't stay up. The left one is almost the same now.
I have asked Sara to design me a tatoo for my neck. I think tha's the next one I want to get, after I get my arm finished. My arm, all I really want to get done is get the names added to it. After that, it will be done in my mind. I can still add on later if I get the chance and the money, but the important part is getting it finished.
I think I've run out of things to talk about. I wanted to say more, but Bianca and I just sat here and talked for like 20 minutes about random shit and now my mind is blank. Lol...thanks Bonk!
I hope that this finds anyone that reads it well, and I hope that it continues that way for everyone. I miss many of the friends I used to chat with. I have not forgotten about any of you, and wish to hear from you. Anyone that wants, just shoot me an email to jcell@melnor.net and it will go to my phone. Or text me. That's the best way to get a hold of me. I don't talk much on the phone and I don't check my melnor@melnor.net email that much. Sometimes I check myspace messages, but not as often as I'd like. If ya don't have my cell number, just shoot me an email and I'll get it to ya.
"My aim is to spread more smiles than tears, utilizing lessons learned in my childhood years." - Tupac Amaru Shakur
J
So since June of 08, I have been weighing myself on a weekly/bi-weekly basis. Last year, I tipped the scales at 599lbs and have really put forth alot of thought and work into changing my life. I now believe I can do it and Sara believes in me too, which helps motivate me when I hit rough times. So on record in my handy dandy spreadsheet and graph, I was around 587 in June or July. As of today at around 4:15pm, I am down to 543.1. It may not seem like a big jump, but for me it represents alot of work and alot of change and alot of sacrifice.
I know that there are many people that say it's easy once you set your mind too it, but it's not. Every day is a constant struggle. I have to find ways to constantly remind myself not to pick up that extra piece of food. Not to pick at the leftovers, not to get seconds, not to stop by and eat somewhere when you're all alone and noone would be the wiser about it. It reminds me of the AA meetings I went to with my father when they had sponsors. People they could call when they were feeling the urge to drink. Sometimes I feel like I could use a sponsor. Someone I could call up and that would understand when I say, "I got 2 bucks in my pocket that noone knows about and that value menu is callin' my name!" I know I could call Sara but I know that she gets disappointed when I do things I am not supposed to. We both know that it's going to happen sometimes, but she's invested so much into me that I hate letting her down. And most of the other people I know would just be like, "Uh, ok...?" Haha...it's hard to understand unless you've been an addict and think like one. More and more I draw paralles between the way I act about food and the way that a drug addict treats his fix. It's scary. I've seen both and the similarities are astounding.
Addicted to food? It's not a physical addiction, though there are physical "effects". When I eat until I'm full, I feel happy. I feel content. I feel as though everything is ok. It's comforting. I think most people feel the same way when they've had a really good meal or something that they like. But I'm not physically addicted. If I don't get my hamburger fix, I'm not going to go through the physical symptoms of withdrawls. I'm not going to shake and sweat and have pain and everything else that goes along with it. It's a mental addiction, almost all psychological and it's hard for many people to understand. Even some big folks just don't understand because it's not like that for everyone. Some people are big and will just always be that way and have always been that way. Maybe it's a hormone thing or a thyroid or something. I've know people that are big that don't eat alot, they are just big. Unless you know someone that has been through something simliar, sometimes it's really hard to understand.
But I'm beating it. A great friend of mine helped me realize that I can do it and that I am capable of it and that half of the battle was recognizing in myself that I can do it and that I am strong enough and able enough to get it done. Between him and Sara, I have come around alot in this area. I still have alot of work to do, but I can feel the confidence where there was doubt before and it's nice. And with the success of the weight loss, it's been a big help and big step in drilling it into me. There have been times in the last 8 or 9 months where I have actually gained weight between weigh-ins, but I have learned to use those times as motivators to help keep it going, rather than falling back into, "Yeah, I knew that would happen." mode and giving in. Did I say thanks, Bill? If not, then "Thanks brotha."
It's been fun to see. The small but noticeable effects that losing the weight is having on me. Sara and I can do more things than I have been able to do before. I have started walking to the corner store instead of driving all the time. I walk to the office and to the relatives houses around here instead of just hopping in the car and driving. I can reach around my back farther now. I can feel that the shirts that used to be just right are now fitting like the shirts that were just a little too big and the shirts that were just a little too big are now alot too big. I actually went to Walmart and got 2 shirts from their racks!! I haven't bought shirts in a "normal" store in 10+ years. Granted they are still "big" shirts, but the idea that I could actually get some clothing from a store instead of special ordering it online excites me. The shirts are still a bit too tight for my taste and I still want to lose more weight before I can wear them on the regular, but the fact that I even *can* wear them is a huge ray of sunshine for Sara and I both.
She has been with me through this whole transformation. When the job I had last completely screwed us during christmas and they pulled the crap that they did, she was right there telling me that I should just quit and that we could make it. She was there with me when I went through the process of applying and successfully getting disability. She was there when we were in financial binds telling me it was going to be ok and we would get caught up and to just keep my head up and do what I needed to do. She was there with me through everything and now we are where we need to be. We're out of the storm and we see the calm waves and beautiful land of possibilities that lay before us. She doesn't have to work herself into the ground anymore. She has been such an inspiration and a support to me and I only hope that I have been half of supportive of her in the things she's working on, as she has been for me. There have been countless times in the last year and a half where I have said "Fuck it" and decided that I was going to go back to work, only to have her sit down and talk to me and make me realize that what we are doing together is for the long term best for us. For us and for our children. But it's been hard.
My entire life I have supported my family. I've been working since I was 13. I worked all the way through school and as soon as I graduate I had a full time job. I worked 2 jobs for the first year Jen and I were together because we had a baby on the way. I always worked and supported my family alone. Through all of my relationships that's the way it's been. It's what I know. There were times I took jobs I hated like Telemarketing. Sometimes I didn't even live with my family, like when I took the job at Microsoft and worked there. I lived in Seattle in my car during the week and then saw my family on the weekends. I did whatever the fuck I had to do to make sure shit was taken care of.
That's why it's been such a hard transition to stay home full time. Hands down this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, aside from dealing with the death of my son. To go from being someone that is so independant and has this drive and this passion to work and be the "bread winner" and then switch it up and take a completely different role as the "home maker" is a juggernaut of an experience. (Side note: That is the coolest word ever, juggernaut!) I've had to deal with feelings I've never had before. Having to rely on someone else to provide for me while I was not getting disability. Feeling like I was less of a man because I wasn't working and bringing home the money. Inadequacy has been something that has been really hard for me to get past. Sometimes I still have problems dealing with it. Until you have swallowed your pride and willingly let someone else "take care" of you and yours, you will have no idea what it's like and how truly difficult it is. It has tore up my entire view of life and my so called "manliness". Having lived it and gone through it, I would venture to say that I'm more of a man now then I was before. It's really easy to have a job and keep it and provide for your family, comparitively speaking. It's much harder to be a home maker with a newborn and 4 other children that require your attention than it ever was to have a job. Even a mangement job was much easier. Needless to say, I look forward to the day when Alex is in school and I have gotten myself to a point where I can go back to work.
At one point, my left leg was bigger in circumfrence than a basketball. My left leg now is almost normal, for me. If I had to guess, it's probably 16-18 inches around now, which is down from around 34 inches. Talk about major change. I used to not be able to get my pants on all the way because of my leg. Now it's really loose and nice. Even my compression stockings slide down. I quit wearing my right leg stocking entirely because it wouldn't stay up. The left one is almost the same now.
I have asked Sara to design me a tatoo for my neck. I think tha's the next one I want to get, after I get my arm finished. My arm, all I really want to get done is get the names added to it. After that, it will be done in my mind. I can still add on later if I get the chance and the money, but the important part is getting it finished.
I think I've run out of things to talk about. I wanted to say more, but Bianca and I just sat here and talked for like 20 minutes about random shit and now my mind is blank. Lol...thanks Bonk!
I hope that this finds anyone that reads it well, and I hope that it continues that way for everyone. I miss many of the friends I used to chat with. I have not forgotten about any of you, and wish to hear from you. Anyone that wants, just shoot me an email to jcell@melnor.net and it will go to my phone. Or text me. That's the best way to get a hold of me. I don't talk much on the phone and I don't check my melnor@melnor.net email that much. Sometimes I check myspace messages, but not as often as I'd like. If ya don't have my cell number, just shoot me an email and I'll get it to ya.
"My aim is to spread more smiles than tears, utilizing lessons learned in my childhood years." - Tupac Amaru Shakur
J
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tired
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Well, well, well...
I don't think I ever thought I would be saying this again, but...
We're pregnant.
Ok well, obviously *I* am not pregnant (although I look like it). :-) But Sara is pregnant. We found out yesterday and from there, things were just a blur. At this point we're making some serious changes. We're going to be packing up our things and moving to Longview. Some of you already know this, but my mom is an apartment manager at a complex up there. Well she is going to take 2 apartments that are side by side and open up the common wall between them and make 2, 2 bedroom apartments into 1, 4 bedroom apartment. We're going to have to pay the rent on both of the apartments, which is going to be a bit of a challenge, but we'll have 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 2 living rooms, 2 kitchens and all the closet space. We'll take one of the living rooms and turn it into a family room and then take one of the kitchens and turn it into a laundry room. So, it's going to be a good thing. The baby was the kicker in this decision. We were already looking for a 4 bedroom in either Vancouver, or Longview. But with the baby coming, the decision to be closer to family was a pretty easy one. She'll be able to get help when she needs in and while I'm at work, and that's really important to us. She's had a lot of complications with her previous pregnancies and so there is alot for us to worry about with this one and I'd rather her be close to family than to not be around any family at all. And with the space and opportunity that having 2 full apartments allows, it was just something we couldn't pass up.
Wow, so much happening all in one short amount of time. Yesterday was like a whirlwind of activity and decisions. We did alot of talking and alot of thinking and deciding yesterday. I feel like though, that everything just kinda fell into place after we found out for sure that she was pregnant. It was like things just happened and everything fit. So I think this is a good thing and that we're going to be awesome.
I got more work done on my tattoo last night. My arm is sore of course, but it's looking pretty slick. He said that we will probably finish up the tree next session and that is less than a month away! :-D I'm so stoked! Once that is done, we'll work on carving names in to the tree and such. We're going to think of something special to do for Joshua's name. He had mentioned a small dead branch with maybe 1 leaf on it to symbolize Joshua passing away. The tree is like a tree of life and so it would be symbolic. I don't know yet. I had thought about putting a gravestone under the tree with his name/dob and such on it as well. I don't know yet, but I want to do something special. Any suggestions, feel free. Burning arm today. Yay! ;-)
Well, it's time to get dressed and ready for work. I'm sure that I'm going ot catch hell at work for not being there yesterday, but I had to take this time and spend it with Sara and decide on what we are going to do and we had to make sure that she was indeed pregnant. We had taken a home test and it came out positive, so we went to planned parenthood and did a test there. So now she's going to setup an apointment with a doctor and get started on all that. She'll have to try and get her medical records and all of that sent up here so her doctor knows all about what happened with her previously so we can make sure that things go as well as they can. I'm so excited and scared all at the same time. I don't want anything to happen to her or the baby.
Well, I gotta jet. Work is waiting on me.
J
We're pregnant.
Ok well, obviously *I* am not pregnant (although I look like it). :-) But Sara is pregnant. We found out yesterday and from there, things were just a blur. At this point we're making some serious changes. We're going to be packing up our things and moving to Longview. Some of you already know this, but my mom is an apartment manager at a complex up there. Well she is going to take 2 apartments that are side by side and open up the common wall between them and make 2, 2 bedroom apartments into 1, 4 bedroom apartment. We're going to have to pay the rent on both of the apartments, which is going to be a bit of a challenge, but we'll have 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, 2 living rooms, 2 kitchens and all the closet space. We'll take one of the living rooms and turn it into a family room and then take one of the kitchens and turn it into a laundry room. So, it's going to be a good thing. The baby was the kicker in this decision. We were already looking for a 4 bedroom in either Vancouver, or Longview. But with the baby coming, the decision to be closer to family was a pretty easy one. She'll be able to get help when she needs in and while I'm at work, and that's really important to us. She's had a lot of complications with her previous pregnancies and so there is alot for us to worry about with this one and I'd rather her be close to family than to not be around any family at all. And with the space and opportunity that having 2 full apartments allows, it was just something we couldn't pass up.
Wow, so much happening all in one short amount of time. Yesterday was like a whirlwind of activity and decisions. We did alot of talking and alot of thinking and deciding yesterday. I feel like though, that everything just kinda fell into place after we found out for sure that she was pregnant. It was like things just happened and everything fit. So I think this is a good thing and that we're going to be awesome.
I got more work done on my tattoo last night. My arm is sore of course, but it's looking pretty slick. He said that we will probably finish up the tree next session and that is less than a month away! :-D I'm so stoked! Once that is done, we'll work on carving names in to the tree and such. We're going to think of something special to do for Joshua's name. He had mentioned a small dead branch with maybe 1 leaf on it to symbolize Joshua passing away. The tree is like a tree of life and so it would be symbolic. I don't know yet. I had thought about putting a gravestone under the tree with his name/dob and such on it as well. I don't know yet, but I want to do something special. Any suggestions, feel free. Burning arm today. Yay! ;-)
Well, it's time to get dressed and ready for work. I'm sure that I'm going ot catch hell at work for not being there yesterday, but I had to take this time and spend it with Sara and decide on what we are going to do and we had to make sure that she was indeed pregnant. We had taken a home test and it came out positive, so we went to planned parenthood and did a test there. So now she's going to setup an apointment with a doctor and get started on all that. She'll have to try and get her medical records and all of that sent up here so her doctor knows all about what happened with her previously so we can make sure that things go as well as they can. I'm so excited and scared all at the same time. I don't want anything to happen to her or the baby.
Well, I gotta jet. Work is waiting on me.
J
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excited
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Hoe Dee Doe...
You know it's always like, I have a million things in my head and when I sit down to write, there is so much I could write about. Yet at the same time, when I get here and sit I think, "Damn. I could write forever." and still not run out of things to say.
Right now Sara is on the phone and from the sounds of it, things aren't good. *sigh* Now I just have to be patient and wait until she's done and find out what the bad news is. With her ex, I know it's never good. Bleh. I guess dialing her phone and trying to get her off so I can find out what is going on isn't going to work, so I guess I'll keep typing.
I've joined the gym and got 5 personal training sessions with a trainer to use. I just received my gym shorts, my sweat pants and my workout t-shirts today, and so I'm all set there. I've got a smoothie routine down for the mornings and my sweetheart is up each morning making them for me, and that is a great thing. I guess I'm kinda getting ready to jump into all of this.
I went to the doctor this week and talked to him about what I'm doing and got his advice. His advice was pretty much what I expected. He thought that what I was doing was good. He couldn't give me any advice on what to eat, but simply said that you need to eat how you're "willing" to eat. He said don't give up things that you're going to not stick with. Give up what you can and are willing to give up that will still allow you to be happy, because if you're not happy, you're not going to stick with it. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change. I've heard that before. The one thing he told me that I didn't even think about is that when I go to work out, instead of working out my arms/chest/tummy, I should concentrate on working out my legs, since they are the biggest muscle in my body. He said that the more I work them out, the more calories I'm going to burn, which is what is going to take off the weight. Speaking of which, somehow magically in the last 2 weeks I've lost around 10 pounds. Go figure. *shrug*
I've arranged with my doctor/nurse as well to be able to go in and weigh myself every week or two. This will help me, if I can see some improvement. If not...well, I don't rightly know at this point. Hopefully I'll keep going on. I just need some way to measure what I'm doing.
My doctor didn't really tell me much that I didn't already know. I'm going to go in and do some blood tests n things like that, for cholesterol n stuff, because it's been years since I've done that and I figure it's probably a good idea to check on it n such.
I'm considering writing a book. I know, it's kinda lame sounding, but I think that I could write a fairly good book. I have doubts though because if I wrote something, I'd want to write a fantasy/sci-fi kinda novel and there is just so much out there and so many authors that I don't know if I could even begin to come up with something original and good. I think that I could write something good, but I don't know if it would be that good. Eh, I don't know. It's like, in the last couple of months like 4 different people have said something about me writing a book, so it's got me thinking more and more. Anyhow, yeah. I don't know.
Work...man, I don't even know where to start. It's like, sometimes I feel like I'm doing a good job, but most of the time I feel like I'm not. Then when I feel like I'm not, I get irratated and then I get to where I just don't want to do a good job anymore. I feel like I'm in this position where I am expected to do things that I should know how to do, but I don't know how to do some of them. I don't know, it's confusing. I have Matt to go to, but damnit, I hate feeling like I have to rely on him all the time. And it's like, in most jobs, I come in and I do a damn good job. And it's like, with this job, I feel like I've come in and just done nothing but a shit job since I've gotten there and I think that *that* is the most frustrating thing. That and feeling like I have to dig myself out of a hole. It's all very frustrating. I want to feel like I'm doing something good, but I just don't feel it or see it. I feel like I'm doing better, but...I don't know. Bleh.
On a side note, everything with Sara is fine. Her ex just needed to use her as a counselor and it had nothing to do with her or the girls. That makes me feel alot better.
My son...*shakes head*...he's such another story. He got in trouble again today and I had to go pick him up from school. You know, about this age is when I started having issues controlling my anger when I was younger and I see alot of him being angry too and so he's having to learn how to effectively deal with it as well. I'm trying to teach him and still let him be his own person, but damnit it's hard. I just wanna beat on him and be like, "KNOCK IT OFF!"
Haha...ah, I need 4 more kids. Really, I love them all. It's just all this learning to be a parent stuff that gets me all frazzled. Luckily I have Sara here who is a hell of a lot more patient and calm than I am, and that helps alot.
I so can't wait for my taxes. Did I mention that I hate US Bank and that I am going to switch banks? Twice in the last 2 days they have screwed up my account and that's twice that they've had to un-fuck it up and so that's 2 days that I haven't been able to do things I've needed to do, because they fucked up. There should be "Bank Fuckup Charges" that I can charge them like they do everyone else with Overdraft charges. Anyhow, the last 2 days was enough. I'm probably going to go to WaMu because I've heard some good things about them. Then again, I can get into a Credit Union with my work, so I might do that instead. The only thing I hate about that is that the CU is in Oregon and so living in Washington if I need to go to a branch, I gotta drive a bit. Suggestions welcome.
I had the most wonderful weekend last weekend. I know that Sara was totally stressing out because of things going on with her brother and then worried about the kids and everything else going on and so I thought that it would be a good time to do something special for her. So, with my devious little mind going and a bit of help from Jeramy, we arranged something nice for her.
Earlier during the week, I told her that we were going out. I didn't give her the name of the place, because I knew she'd look it up online. I just told her it was a bar and grill in Portland. We had planned to have no kids that weekend, so everything was going to be perfect for us to have a night out alone. So Friday rolled around and we went to Longview and dropped off Tabbie and Bonca. After that, we came back home and I got showered. I asked her to get dressed into something nice and like the lovely sweetheart she is, she bitched a little, but then did it. ;-) Hehe...I put on a clean button up shirt and even told her that if I wanted, I'd put on a nice sweater too. She said I didn't have to, and so we took off to drive the other 2 kids to their moms. But...let me sidetrack a little. During the first time I was at the house to pickup the girls to go to the LV, I had already talked to Jer. I gave him money and told him what I wanted done to the room. Some flowers, wine, candles, and the card that I had gotten her right before I got home. I told him when we were going to be gone for dinner and when to do it. So that was then. This time when we left to go to Portland, I told him to go ahead and prepare it after I left, because we wouldn't be back.
So we dropped the kids off for the weekend and we headed over to the Portland City Grill. I told her the name of it by now, because I knew she wouldn't have the time to look it up online. So we drove into Portland and since I had only been there once, I wasn't 100% sure where it was, but I had a good idea. So I drove to Burnside and said, "Ok, look for the building that is about 30 stories high." and of course, we identified it pretty quick. I got parked down in the parking garage pretty quick and easily, and we hit the elevator. By this time, I was really excited because I didn't know if she suspected that we were going up 30 stories to the top or not. I kept watching her as we kept going up and up and up, and I could tell she started to get curious, because she kept looking at the elevator with this puzzled look. It was so damn cute. :-D
So we get up there and it was just awesome. We had reservations so, while we did have to wait a little bit, it wasn't nearly as bad as I'm sure it would have been without them. I had requested a window seat on the reservations and I know that they don't guarantee them, but damnit, I hoped like hell that we would get one. And we did. It was so awesome! We sat right next to the window. It was a beautiful night out and we could see for miles around. I showed her all the bridges that I knew, some of the major landmarks and buildings and even showed her AMR from way up there. I had such a wonderful time, I wish that it coulda just kept going on and on. *sigh* Just thinking about it makes me all happy inside. She is so beautiful and wonderful. The atmosphere was so perfect, the lighting, the food, the company, everything was just so wonderful and perfect. And in the back of my mind I knew what was going on at home, which made it even better. I could look at her and know that she was having a good time and that she was happy and that right there made it all worth it. Even if it was just for the briefest of times, her mind was not in a spot where she was worried and stressed, but in a spot where she could be happy and just relax and enjoy some great food, music and a great view.
On the way to the Grill, we had a conversation about how sometimes guys will order for their girlfriends. It was a good discussion and I found out that she really liked the idea of someone ordering for her. I always thought that was a little pushy on the man's side, but I could see what she was saying. So when we were up at the Grill, I ordered for her. Her entire order. And what was so awesome, is that it seemed so natural. Not only for her and I, but for the waiter as well. The entire time he was taking the order, he didn't even blink an eye and didn't turn to her to ask her anything. He totally let me do the order all by myself. It wasn't until I started fumbling with the drink and I turned to her, that he finally looked at her. And then I remembered the name of the drink. Lol...we had been talking about it all night, but it just slipped my mind at the time. Still, it was good times. She had the Top Sirloin with a Dutch Blue-Cheese Glace and a baked potato. I had the Rib Eye Steak with garlic mashed. Mmm....We weren't sure what we were gonna think of the glace, but we tried it anyhow, and it was damn good! And the steaks...omg, I've never had steaks this good. Ever. They were so soft and tender and tasty. It was so awesome. The only thing that didn't turn out was her drink. It was alot more alchohol than she expected and she couldn't drink it. But they have great sprite! :-)
Did I mention that they have a real piano player? Omg, it was so awesome! (That's another story...haha...)
So we left there and I messaged Jer that we were on the way home when I got in the car. (I left both my phones in the car while we were at dinner...this shows you how much I wanted us to enjoy the dinner undisturbed...well, and she told me I had to...lol...) So we left there and headed home. She was passed out in the car long before we got home. I of course enjoyed a big smooch when I got down to the car and we held hands like we always do in the car, on the way home. Once we got there, I was kinda sad because I wanted her to be awake for the surprise she had inside, and it looked like she wasn't going to last very long. So I kinda rushed her into the bedroom and when she opened the door, she was like, "OMG!" It was so awesome. Here are some pictures that she took before we moved everything.
So those are the pictures from that night. It was such an awesome night. Jer had gone above and beyond and not only did he do what I suggested, but he made some fondue (OMG, I love Fondue) with bread, some apples with caramel sauce, as well as all the other stuff that I had said. He forgot to set the card out, but that's ok. I grabbed it and gave it to her and sat down to watch her read it. And awww...she so started crying about halfway through it. I had gotten her a card in spanish, because I thought that she would really like that. I knew what it said, because it had the words on the back of it too, but it was so awesome. She started crying and I got a big huge hug and kiss from her. It was for like, even if it was for just that night, I wanted to help her enjoy the night and just forget about all the worries and stress that I knew she was feeling. So then we sat down and had some fondue and some wine and just chatted with Jer for a while. We took some pictures and we talked and then she passed out like a light! Hehe...she was so cute laying there. Here is another picture of her laying down with her card and one of the carnations.
So that was our night. It was good fun and it was awesome. I stayed up a while and chatted online, but then went to sleep next to my beautiful sweetheart. It was good times.
I think that's it. I am going to go lay down with her again, because she and Jer are just bursting at the seams for me to get this blog done. I think I'm ok for now. I'll write more later. I think.
J
Right now Sara is on the phone and from the sounds of it, things aren't good. *sigh* Now I just have to be patient and wait until she's done and find out what the bad news is. With her ex, I know it's never good. Bleh. I guess dialing her phone and trying to get her off so I can find out what is going on isn't going to work, so I guess I'll keep typing.
I've joined the gym and got 5 personal training sessions with a trainer to use. I just received my gym shorts, my sweat pants and my workout t-shirts today, and so I'm all set there. I've got a smoothie routine down for the mornings and my sweetheart is up each morning making them for me, and that is a great thing. I guess I'm kinda getting ready to jump into all of this.
I went to the doctor this week and talked to him about what I'm doing and got his advice. His advice was pretty much what I expected. He thought that what I was doing was good. He couldn't give me any advice on what to eat, but simply said that you need to eat how you're "willing" to eat. He said don't give up things that you're going to not stick with. Give up what you can and are willing to give up that will still allow you to be happy, because if you're not happy, you're not going to stick with it. It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle change. I've heard that before. The one thing he told me that I didn't even think about is that when I go to work out, instead of working out my arms/chest/tummy, I should concentrate on working out my legs, since they are the biggest muscle in my body. He said that the more I work them out, the more calories I'm going to burn, which is what is going to take off the weight. Speaking of which, somehow magically in the last 2 weeks I've lost around 10 pounds. Go figure. *shrug*
I've arranged with my doctor/nurse as well to be able to go in and weigh myself every week or two. This will help me, if I can see some improvement. If not...well, I don't rightly know at this point. Hopefully I'll keep going on. I just need some way to measure what I'm doing.
My doctor didn't really tell me much that I didn't already know. I'm going to go in and do some blood tests n things like that, for cholesterol n stuff, because it's been years since I've done that and I figure it's probably a good idea to check on it n such.
I'm considering writing a book. I know, it's kinda lame sounding, but I think that I could write a fairly good book. I have doubts though because if I wrote something, I'd want to write a fantasy/sci-fi kinda novel and there is just so much out there and so many authors that I don't know if I could even begin to come up with something original and good. I think that I could write something good, but I don't know if it would be that good. Eh, I don't know. It's like, in the last couple of months like 4 different people have said something about me writing a book, so it's got me thinking more and more. Anyhow, yeah. I don't know.
Work...man, I don't even know where to start. It's like, sometimes I feel like I'm doing a good job, but most of the time I feel like I'm not. Then when I feel like I'm not, I get irratated and then I get to where I just don't want to do a good job anymore. I feel like I'm in this position where I am expected to do things that I should know how to do, but I don't know how to do some of them. I don't know, it's confusing. I have Matt to go to, but damnit, I hate feeling like I have to rely on him all the time. And it's like, in most jobs, I come in and I do a damn good job. And it's like, with this job, I feel like I've come in and just done nothing but a shit job since I've gotten there and I think that *that* is the most frustrating thing. That and feeling like I have to dig myself out of a hole. It's all very frustrating. I want to feel like I'm doing something good, but I just don't feel it or see it. I feel like I'm doing better, but...I don't know. Bleh.
On a side note, everything with Sara is fine. Her ex just needed to use her as a counselor and it had nothing to do with her or the girls. That makes me feel alot better.
My son...*shakes head*...he's such another story. He got in trouble again today and I had to go pick him up from school. You know, about this age is when I started having issues controlling my anger when I was younger and I see alot of him being angry too and so he's having to learn how to effectively deal with it as well. I'm trying to teach him and still let him be his own person, but damnit it's hard. I just wanna beat on him and be like, "KNOCK IT OFF!"
Haha...ah, I need 4 more kids. Really, I love them all. It's just all this learning to be a parent stuff that gets me all frazzled. Luckily I have Sara here who is a hell of a lot more patient and calm than I am, and that helps alot.
I so can't wait for my taxes. Did I mention that I hate US Bank and that I am going to switch banks? Twice in the last 2 days they have screwed up my account and that's twice that they've had to un-fuck it up and so that's 2 days that I haven't been able to do things I've needed to do, because they fucked up. There should be "Bank Fuckup Charges" that I can charge them like they do everyone else with Overdraft charges. Anyhow, the last 2 days was enough. I'm probably going to go to WaMu because I've heard some good things about them. Then again, I can get into a Credit Union with my work, so I might do that instead. The only thing I hate about that is that the CU is in Oregon and so living in Washington if I need to go to a branch, I gotta drive a bit. Suggestions welcome.
I had the most wonderful weekend last weekend. I know that Sara was totally stressing out because of things going on with her brother and then worried about the kids and everything else going on and so I thought that it would be a good time to do something special for her. So, with my devious little mind going and a bit of help from Jeramy, we arranged something nice for her.
Earlier during the week, I told her that we were going out. I didn't give her the name of the place, because I knew she'd look it up online. I just told her it was a bar and grill in Portland. We had planned to have no kids that weekend, so everything was going to be perfect for us to have a night out alone. So Friday rolled around and we went to Longview and dropped off Tabbie and Bonca. After that, we came back home and I got showered. I asked her to get dressed into something nice and like the lovely sweetheart she is, she bitched a little, but then did it. ;-) Hehe...I put on a clean button up shirt and even told her that if I wanted, I'd put on a nice sweater too. She said I didn't have to, and so we took off to drive the other 2 kids to their moms. But...let me sidetrack a little. During the first time I was at the house to pickup the girls to go to the LV, I had already talked to Jer. I gave him money and told him what I wanted done to the room. Some flowers, wine, candles, and the card that I had gotten her right before I got home. I told him when we were going to be gone for dinner and when to do it. So that was then. This time when we left to go to Portland, I told him to go ahead and prepare it after I left, because we wouldn't be back.
So we dropped the kids off for the weekend and we headed over to the Portland City Grill. I told her the name of it by now, because I knew she wouldn't have the time to look it up online. So we drove into Portland and since I had only been there once, I wasn't 100% sure where it was, but I had a good idea. So I drove to Burnside and said, "Ok, look for the building that is about 30 stories high." and of course, we identified it pretty quick. I got parked down in the parking garage pretty quick and easily, and we hit the elevator. By this time, I was really excited because I didn't know if she suspected that we were going up 30 stories to the top or not. I kept watching her as we kept going up and up and up, and I could tell she started to get curious, because she kept looking at the elevator with this puzzled look. It was so damn cute. :-D
So we get up there and it was just awesome. We had reservations so, while we did have to wait a little bit, it wasn't nearly as bad as I'm sure it would have been without them. I had requested a window seat on the reservations and I know that they don't guarantee them, but damnit, I hoped like hell that we would get one. And we did. It was so awesome! We sat right next to the window. It was a beautiful night out and we could see for miles around. I showed her all the bridges that I knew, some of the major landmarks and buildings and even showed her AMR from way up there. I had such a wonderful time, I wish that it coulda just kept going on and on. *sigh* Just thinking about it makes me all happy inside. She is so beautiful and wonderful. The atmosphere was so perfect, the lighting, the food, the company, everything was just so wonderful and perfect. And in the back of my mind I knew what was going on at home, which made it even better. I could look at her and know that she was having a good time and that she was happy and that right there made it all worth it. Even if it was just for the briefest of times, her mind was not in a spot where she was worried and stressed, but in a spot where she could be happy and just relax and enjoy some great food, music and a great view.
On the way to the Grill, we had a conversation about how sometimes guys will order for their girlfriends. It was a good discussion and I found out that she really liked the idea of someone ordering for her. I always thought that was a little pushy on the man's side, but I could see what she was saying. So when we were up at the Grill, I ordered for her. Her entire order. And what was so awesome, is that it seemed so natural. Not only for her and I, but for the waiter as well. The entire time he was taking the order, he didn't even blink an eye and didn't turn to her to ask her anything. He totally let me do the order all by myself. It wasn't until I started fumbling with the drink and I turned to her, that he finally looked at her. And then I remembered the name of the drink. Lol...we had been talking about it all night, but it just slipped my mind at the time. Still, it was good times. She had the Top Sirloin with a Dutch Blue-Cheese Glace and a baked potato. I had the Rib Eye Steak with garlic mashed. Mmm....We weren't sure what we were gonna think of the glace, but we tried it anyhow, and it was damn good! And the steaks...omg, I've never had steaks this good. Ever. They were so soft and tender and tasty. It was so awesome. The only thing that didn't turn out was her drink. It was alot more alchohol than she expected and she couldn't drink it. But they have great sprite! :-)
Did I mention that they have a real piano player? Omg, it was so awesome! (That's another story...haha...)
So we left there and I messaged Jer that we were on the way home when I got in the car. (I left both my phones in the car while we were at dinner...this shows you how much I wanted us to enjoy the dinner undisturbed...well, and she told me I had to...lol...) So we left there and headed home. She was passed out in the car long before we got home. I of course enjoyed a big smooch when I got down to the car and we held hands like we always do in the car, on the way home. Once we got there, I was kinda sad because I wanted her to be awake for the surprise she had inside, and it looked like she wasn't going to last very long. So I kinda rushed her into the bedroom and when she opened the door, she was like, "OMG!" It was so awesome. Here are some pictures that she took before we moved everything.
So those are the pictures from that night. It was such an awesome night. Jer had gone above and beyond and not only did he do what I suggested, but he made some fondue (OMG, I love Fondue) with bread, some apples with caramel sauce, as well as all the other stuff that I had said. He forgot to set the card out, but that's ok. I grabbed it and gave it to her and sat down to watch her read it. And awww...she so started crying about halfway through it. I had gotten her a card in spanish, because I thought that she would really like that. I knew what it said, because it had the words on the back of it too, but it was so awesome. She started crying and I got a big huge hug and kiss from her. It was for like, even if it was for just that night, I wanted to help her enjoy the night and just forget about all the worries and stress that I knew she was feeling. So then we sat down and had some fondue and some wine and just chatted with Jer for a while. We took some pictures and we talked and then she passed out like a light! Hehe...she was so cute laying there. Here is another picture of her laying down with her card and one of the carnations.
So that was our night. It was good fun and it was awesome. I stayed up a while and chatted online, but then went to sleep next to my beautiful sweetheart. It was good times.
I think that's it. I am going to go lay down with her again, because she and Jer are just bursting at the seams for me to get this blog done. I think I'm ok for now. I'll write more later. I think.
J
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"Rock and Roll Girl...Rock and Roll Girl..."
This last week I found out that I hit over 600lbs on the scale. As I sit here, I contemplate the irony of posting a blog about my weight and how I feel about it while at the same time eating a piece of candy cane. It strikes me funny in a sort of morbid way. Actually, I think I just bounce between humor, disgust, sadness, and indifference. The mind works in so many wonderful ways. I sit here and I munch this piece of candy and I think to myself, "It's ok. You're going to start doing something about it soon, so it's ok to enjoy it now, because soon you won't be able to." and in my own mind, that makes sense and makes it reasonable. Then the other part of my mind compares this logic to something that Cheri calls "Troll Logic". And then I look at it and inside I shake my head like, "What an idiot." Course then I'm like, "Fuck it, whatever." and end up grabbing another piece of candy cane. The circle of my weakness is never ending.
I seem to go through these...I don't know...phases, I guess is the best word I can use to describe it. I have these moments of clarity in which I know exactly what I need to do and how to do it, and I make all these bold new commitments and draw all these wonderful conclusions. Sometimes only to myself, sometimes in my journal and I get excited about the future and what I can do. It's a wonderful and briliant time where I feel like I can conquer the world and any problems in it.
But then reality hits and sets in and suddenly my mind is fuddled with it. I can't focus or think on what I want and what I need to accomplish because of what I'm doing, what I want, or whatever physical desire I'm unsuccessfully fighting at that point. It's really quite maddening to see this and know that it's happening, but yet never having any successful way of fighting it. There are ways that I've found that fend it off for a while, but I've yet to find something that will successfully fight this.
"If you REALLY want to do it, I will help you out."
What exactly does "REALLY want to do it" mean? Is there some sort of meter out there somewhere that will tell me when I've gotten to that point? Am I only pretending when I say I "REALLY" want to, and then fail? Oops, just kidding? I mean, what is it? How do I know? I REALLY feel like I REALLY want to do this. Right now at least. I don't recall a single moment in time in the last 5 years when I haven't REALLY wanted to lose weight. But apparently some people think that "REALLY" wanting to, is enough. I don't know that I necessarily agree with that.
I've drawn this relationship before, because I think it's valid. Actually, let me backstep a bit. First of all, I don't think that it's a "quantity" of food issue. I don't think that it's because I eat 10x what I should be eating. I eat much the same that everyone else does around me, and they seem to maintain good healthy weights. Quality of food I think of course plays a part and could be improved, but I don't think that is the sole issue either. I don't eat out nearly as much as I used to, and I'm eating food that is fairly good for me. Matt and I were just pondering how long it's been since we've been out to eat since Sara got here. I think I've eaten out for lunch like, 2 times. Maybe 3. It's a rarity now, not the norm. I think that the main issue is movement.
The burning of calories. It's really rather simple, from the way I understand it. I know that it's more complicated probably than I will make it out here, but the basic idea behind weight-loss is thus. You take in calories every day. You burn calories every day. If you take in more calories than you burn, then you're going to gain weight. If you use up more calories than you take in, you're going to lose weight. Pretty simple. I think the big issue with me is that I don't burn enough calories, not that I'm taking in too many. Of course, that's kinda backwards I suppose because if I'm not burning all that I'm taking in, maybe I should cut back on calories since I'm not burning enough. I guess I should say, I don't take in an inordinate amount of calories. Or an abnormally large amount. Whatever. You get the point, I hope. I need to move more.
During my last boughts of working out, I focused on walking. There were a couple of reasons for this. First off, walking is fairly easy. We all do it and have been doing it since we were kids, so it's something that I'm used to doing, though not as much as I used to obviously. Secondly, I have the use of a treadmill which makes it much easier to walk. If I were to walk around town, I would need something to lean on, or something to sit at every couple of blocks so I could rest. With a treadmill, I can lean on the bar and still continue walking. This makes it easier. Thirdly, there was my leg. It continues to swell despite whatever efforts I have taken to relieve it. Sara rubs it occasionally and I try and keep it up once in a while, but I must admit that I've not kept up on it like I should. I should ask her to rub it more and I should keep it up more. I just know that it's not a pleasant job for her, and I can always find things I *need* to do, rather than put my leg up. I suppose when I land in the hospital again, I will pay better attention to it. Thus is the human way of doing things. Anyhow, by walking, I was doing good things for my legs by trying to get the circulation going and moving all that liquid.
But something that I didn't forsee, interferred; my feet.
I've had sore feet off and on for quite some time because of various issues, but for the most part they are ok. However now that I've gotten up to the weight I am now, they've become issues. I can no longer walk on them for lengths of time without them begining to really hurt, like I've bruised the bottoms of them and I'm walking around on bruises all day. It's really quite painful and so the whole treadmill thing was killing me. It was making me dread going to workout, more and more and more every day until finally I just gave up. I hated it so much I just gave up on it. And this is where I am now.
Matt talked to me today about this very subject of being over 600lbs. It's an uncomfortable subject to talk about, but it's something that needs to be broached. I'm in a state where I feel like I am going to fail, no matter what I do. Yet in my mind, I know I can do it once I find the right combination of support and exercise. I know I can kick this. I know I can't do it alone though. I need tough people that will stand next to me and stand behind me and do this with me. James, Jeramy, John, Becky, Sara, Matt, Cheri to name a few...I have had alot of help since i started really trying to do something and every one of them as helped in big ways, even if they don't know it. I feel like in a way, I've failed every one of them by not doing what I set out to do and not accomplishing what I know I need to accomplish. I feel like I can only fail at this point, just given the history of my failures. I also feel helpless, because while I have ideas on what might help and what might work, I don't know how feasable my options are in terms of time/commitment/affordability/etc..etc..
One of the things that I discussed with Matt today, is the fact that I can, and have, convinced others that I don't need to work out for one reason or another. Or that it's ok to eat this or that, for one reason or another. While doing this once in a while is ok, I find that if I feel like I can continue to do this, I will. I will do it more and more until finally I am just eating whatever I want, or until I stop working out all together. It's horribly frustrating. It's not something I do on purpose, but damnit, it's so hard to not do. It's almost instinctive. There are of course, people I haven't been able to do that with. Cheri was one example. When Becky and John were comin' over every other day, that was another time because I simply couldn't justify sending them home without working out after they had driven all the way to my house to do it.
I need to sleep. I could write so much more right now, but I want to get to bed with my love.
All in all, I plan to see about starting to do some water exercises. Low impact, and I can get a great cardio workout with laps. The bonus is I LOVE to swim and I love the water, so I think this is a big plus for me. I just need to find someplace to do it that I can do it year 'round, and it's affordable. And I'd like it to be close to work, because Matt is going to do it with me. Any suggestions are welcome.
I know that I'm a horrible friend and I'm not around alot and for that, I hope you will forgive me and continue to have patience with me. There are so many things that are going on right now that there is just no way to get alot of time here. Trying to figure out things with Sara and I. Trying to deal with kids. Work...ha, that is a whole nuther issue. I feel like I'm going to lose my job any minute. It's very stressful for me. Money, garnishments...ugh. I just don't want to get into it all. I need sleep.
J
I seem to go through these...I don't know...phases, I guess is the best word I can use to describe it. I have these moments of clarity in which I know exactly what I need to do and how to do it, and I make all these bold new commitments and draw all these wonderful conclusions. Sometimes only to myself, sometimes in my journal and I get excited about the future and what I can do. It's a wonderful and briliant time where I feel like I can conquer the world and any problems in it.
But then reality hits and sets in and suddenly my mind is fuddled with it. I can't focus or think on what I want and what I need to accomplish because of what I'm doing, what I want, or whatever physical desire I'm unsuccessfully fighting at that point. It's really quite maddening to see this and know that it's happening, but yet never having any successful way of fighting it. There are ways that I've found that fend it off for a while, but I've yet to find something that will successfully fight this.
"If you REALLY want to do it, I will help you out."
What exactly does "REALLY want to do it" mean? Is there some sort of meter out there somewhere that will tell me when I've gotten to that point? Am I only pretending when I say I "REALLY" want to, and then fail? Oops, just kidding? I mean, what is it? How do I know? I REALLY feel like I REALLY want to do this. Right now at least. I don't recall a single moment in time in the last 5 years when I haven't REALLY wanted to lose weight. But apparently some people think that "REALLY" wanting to, is enough. I don't know that I necessarily agree with that.
I've drawn this relationship before, because I think it's valid. Actually, let me backstep a bit. First of all, I don't think that it's a "quantity" of food issue. I don't think that it's because I eat 10x what I should be eating. I eat much the same that everyone else does around me, and they seem to maintain good healthy weights. Quality of food I think of course plays a part and could be improved, but I don't think that is the sole issue either. I don't eat out nearly as much as I used to, and I'm eating food that is fairly good for me. Matt and I were just pondering how long it's been since we've been out to eat since Sara got here. I think I've eaten out for lunch like, 2 times. Maybe 3. It's a rarity now, not the norm. I think that the main issue is movement.
The burning of calories. It's really rather simple, from the way I understand it. I know that it's more complicated probably than I will make it out here, but the basic idea behind weight-loss is thus. You take in calories every day. You burn calories every day. If you take in more calories than you burn, then you're going to gain weight. If you use up more calories than you take in, you're going to lose weight. Pretty simple. I think the big issue with me is that I don't burn enough calories, not that I'm taking in too many. Of course, that's kinda backwards I suppose because if I'm not burning all that I'm taking in, maybe I should cut back on calories since I'm not burning enough. I guess I should say, I don't take in an inordinate amount of calories. Or an abnormally large amount. Whatever. You get the point, I hope. I need to move more.
During my last boughts of working out, I focused on walking. There were a couple of reasons for this. First off, walking is fairly easy. We all do it and have been doing it since we were kids, so it's something that I'm used to doing, though not as much as I used to obviously. Secondly, I have the use of a treadmill which makes it much easier to walk. If I were to walk around town, I would need something to lean on, or something to sit at every couple of blocks so I could rest. With a treadmill, I can lean on the bar and still continue walking. This makes it easier. Thirdly, there was my leg. It continues to swell despite whatever efforts I have taken to relieve it. Sara rubs it occasionally and I try and keep it up once in a while, but I must admit that I've not kept up on it like I should. I should ask her to rub it more and I should keep it up more. I just know that it's not a pleasant job for her, and I can always find things I *need* to do, rather than put my leg up. I suppose when I land in the hospital again, I will pay better attention to it. Thus is the human way of doing things. Anyhow, by walking, I was doing good things for my legs by trying to get the circulation going and moving all that liquid.
But something that I didn't forsee, interferred; my feet.
I've had sore feet off and on for quite some time because of various issues, but for the most part they are ok. However now that I've gotten up to the weight I am now, they've become issues. I can no longer walk on them for lengths of time without them begining to really hurt, like I've bruised the bottoms of them and I'm walking around on bruises all day. It's really quite painful and so the whole treadmill thing was killing me. It was making me dread going to workout, more and more and more every day until finally I just gave up. I hated it so much I just gave up on it. And this is where I am now.
Matt talked to me today about this very subject of being over 600lbs. It's an uncomfortable subject to talk about, but it's something that needs to be broached. I'm in a state where I feel like I am going to fail, no matter what I do. Yet in my mind, I know I can do it once I find the right combination of support and exercise. I know I can kick this. I know I can't do it alone though. I need tough people that will stand next to me and stand behind me and do this with me. James, Jeramy, John, Becky, Sara, Matt, Cheri to name a few...I have had alot of help since i started really trying to do something and every one of them as helped in big ways, even if they don't know it. I feel like in a way, I've failed every one of them by not doing what I set out to do and not accomplishing what I know I need to accomplish. I feel like I can only fail at this point, just given the history of my failures. I also feel helpless, because while I have ideas on what might help and what might work, I don't know how feasable my options are in terms of time/commitment/affordability/etc..etc..
One of the things that I discussed with Matt today, is the fact that I can, and have, convinced others that I don't need to work out for one reason or another. Or that it's ok to eat this or that, for one reason or another. While doing this once in a while is ok, I find that if I feel like I can continue to do this, I will. I will do it more and more until finally I am just eating whatever I want, or until I stop working out all together. It's horribly frustrating. It's not something I do on purpose, but damnit, it's so hard to not do. It's almost instinctive. There are of course, people I haven't been able to do that with. Cheri was one example. When Becky and John were comin' over every other day, that was another time because I simply couldn't justify sending them home without working out after they had driven all the way to my house to do it.
I need to sleep. I could write so much more right now, but I want to get to bed with my love.
All in all, I plan to see about starting to do some water exercises. Low impact, and I can get a great cardio workout with laps. The bonus is I LOVE to swim and I love the water, so I think this is a big plus for me. I just need to find someplace to do it that I can do it year 'round, and it's affordable. And I'd like it to be close to work, because Matt is going to do it with me. Any suggestions are welcome.
I know that I'm a horrible friend and I'm not around alot and for that, I hope you will forgive me and continue to have patience with me. There are so many things that are going on right now that there is just no way to get alot of time here. Trying to figure out things with Sara and I. Trying to deal with kids. Work...ha, that is a whole nuther issue. I feel like I'm going to lose my job any minute. It's very stressful for me. Money, garnishments...ugh. I just don't want to get into it all. I need sleep.
J
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- indifferent
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Hey...
Everyone know that I broke a personal best?
I broke the 600lb barrier.
Yay me.
J
I broke the 600lb barrier.
Yay me.
J
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gloomy
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*sigh*
Ugh. I wish I could be a better person.
*sigh*
J
*sigh*
J
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frustrated
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Yeah...
Sitting here listening to her breathe and watching her beautiful and lovely face, I believe that I am the luckiest man alive.
I've been away. I really want to catch up, but it's taking some time. Maybe tomorrow I will get to read all that I have missed. I hope so. I miss ya'll.
I've just been having the time of my life, and I never want it to end.
*goes to snuggle with the most wonderful woman ever*
I lovez me some Sara!
J
I've been away. I really want to catch up, but it's taking some time. Maybe tomorrow I will get to read all that I have missed. I hope so. I miss ya'll.
I've just been having the time of my life, and I never want it to end.
*goes to snuggle with the most wonderful woman ever*
I lovez me some Sara!
J
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- content
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Warning: Sexual Topic!
It really is amazing when you find someone that you are compatible with. Not only emotionally and mentally, but also sexually.
Finding someone that you are sexually compatible with, can sometimes be a huge thing though. Many people that I know, have issues sexually, myself included. I think that most everyone does. Little quirks or feelings of inadequicies, or whatever. Whatever it is, you always look for someone that is respectful of that and even more, someone that can help you conquer whatever it is that you're facing. And when you find someone, it's amazing.
My sweetheart has been here over 2 weeks now and I can honestly say that noone has ever made me feel more sexually comfortable. It's like we were made for one another. There are times, I honestly think that we were. Every single fear, doubt, quirk, or insecurity that I have sexually, she's conquered with seemingly little to no effort on her part. It's amazing. When we're together, it's amazing. It doesn't matter what we do or are doing, it's like time just goes out the window and we never seem to notice until after it's over. 2 hours...4 hours...it seems like minutes when I'm with her. I just can't believe it. Still even now, I have a hard time getting my mind around it. She's absolutely wonderful and the most amazing woman ever, in every way.
*sigh*
And I'm sitting here, instead of snuggling up with her. Ha! How lame am I?!?
I'm outta here! Snugggggggggggggle time!
J
Finding someone that you are sexually compatible with, can sometimes be a huge thing though. Many people that I know, have issues sexually, myself included. I think that most everyone does. Little quirks or feelings of inadequicies, or whatever. Whatever it is, you always look for someone that is respectful of that and even more, someone that can help you conquer whatever it is that you're facing. And when you find someone, it's amazing.
My sweetheart has been here over 2 weeks now and I can honestly say that noone has ever made me feel more sexually comfortable. It's like we were made for one another. There are times, I honestly think that we were. Every single fear, doubt, quirk, or insecurity that I have sexually, she's conquered with seemingly little to no effort on her part. It's amazing. When we're together, it's amazing. It doesn't matter what we do or are doing, it's like time just goes out the window and we never seem to notice until after it's over. 2 hours...4 hours...it seems like minutes when I'm with her. I just can't believe it. Still even now, I have a hard time getting my mind around it. She's absolutely wonderful and the most amazing woman ever, in every way.
*sigh*
And I'm sitting here, instead of snuggling up with her. Ha! How lame am I?!?
I'm outta here! Snugggggggggggggle time!
J
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- content
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Like woh!
PASSING SCORE: 554
CANDIDATE SCORE: 680
PASS/FAIL: Pass
I'm certified! Uh...n shit.
:-)
J
CANDIDATE SCORE: 680
PASS/FAIL: Pass
I'm certified! Uh...n shit.
:-)
J
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- relieved
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