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At some point, I'd lost the patience and attention span for blogging my life, thoughts, and feelings.

At some point subsequent to that, I'd realized that I'd lost that.

My blogs go back. Waaay back. Back to times and places, joys and trials I so rarely think about. Given that my emotions (and to some extent, self-identity) is rather fluid, this becomes a valuable tool from time to time for allowing me to reconnect more vividly with my past.

Which is why it sucks that I haven't blogged my life for nearly the past year and a half. Well sure, there's Facebook. Good luck getting Timeline to actually cooperate with you though. Or Twitter. Perfect for the cute and funny, and for capturing specifics of what I did and when, not so much for the finer points of parsing out my feelings after the fact.

So here I am. And here I will be.

Hoping you are all having a warm and wonderful holidays, wherever you are, whoever you are sharing it with.

*sends hugs*

I feel like my dreams, and my dreamscape, are becoming more and more complex. I'm finding myself waking up with the feeling that my brain and psyche had been working in overdrive overnight. Even though my ability to remember the dreams I've had hasn't improved, I can still tell if I've had a particularly complicated dream even if I can't remember the details.

Such as with a dream I had a couple nights ago. I remember very little about it, other than at some point I came across someone I know who was trying to encourage me to trust my instincts and have more faith in myself when it comes to the things I know but don't know how I know them.

I'd had another dream where I was at Burning Man again. It didn't feel right though... it was MUCH MUCH MUCH too small. As in, less than a thousand people. But it didn't feel like the small, artsy Burning Man of the early '90's - it felt more like a bunch of people who were mostly there to reminisce and let someone else bring the art and the spontaneity (no one did).

And now I'm curious what it is my subconscious is trying to tell me. It's a major improvement over all those "back in high school" dreams I'd had a decade ago, but I still feel like there's something I'm supposed to do. Something I'm not doing...

Always changing, the future is. Always in motion. It is time for me to rejoin the future.

Y'all know the drill by now: catch ya on the flipside. ;)

Two days until we head off to Zion.

I'm excited... but to say I'm a little afraid would be an understatement.

The long winter is finally abating. I'm slowly coming out of my hibernation and thawing the ice which buried my drive and energy.

My crash at the tailend of last year was spectacular in its speed and completeness. Getting out of it has been slow; but the antidepressants are helping a lot. So is the gradually warming weather and increased amount of sunlight that's reaching me.

I still don't have anything in the way of long-term goals for my life. I have a few goals for this year, and one intermediate goal: I'd like to move into a nicer place with the people I care about. But beyond that, I have nothing to shoot for, nothing to really put effort and planning towards. paradox_puree would like to do multi-pitch, big wall climbing a couple years down the line once she has better strength, stamina, and skills. I enjoy indoor rock climbing in the gym; the last time I went outdoor rock climbing was disastrous for me, and I'd never given any thought to improving my climbing towards a specific goal such as that.

Part of it seems to be that I don't do a very good job listening to myself. I don't really know what drives me or what I really want out of life. Half the time, I don't really know how I feel. When I get afraid of something (such as what happened when I went climbing), I don't really know what the source of that fear is. I get jealous without really having thought through the situation in the first place. I work towards immediate goals for the sake of keeping myself occupied, without thinking about the bigger pictures.

Before I can know what drives me or what goals I want to seriously pursue, I need to learn to balance myself, find my emotional center, and just listen to what's going through my head. This needs to be the goal I work on first.

I finally got a much-needed laptop upgrade about a week ago. On a lark I named it Chromie. Of course, I should have known that would be a recipe for strange things happening.

Sure enough. The HD crashed rather abruptly a few nights ago. Since I'd just transferred over from my old laptop, I lost little more than some downloaded music and a few WoW addons, and a few days without Chromie while Apple got a replacement drive.

So Chromie had to have her disk operated on, but she's much happier now. ^_^

Fear me you lord and lady preachers
I descend upon your earth from the skies
I command your very souls you unbelievers
Bring before me what is mine
The seven seas of Rhye

Can you hear me you peers and privy councillors
I stand before you naked to the eyes
I will destroy any man who dares abuse my trust
I swear that you'll be mine
At the seven seas of Rhye

Sister I live and lie for you
Mister do and I'll die
You are mine I possess you
Belong to you forever

Storm the master marathon I'll fly through
By flash and thunder fire I'll survive
I'll survive I'll survive
Then I'll defy the laws of nature
And come out alive

Begone with you you shod and shady senators
Give out the good leave out the bad evil cries
I challenge the mighty titan and his troubadours
And with a smile
I'll take you to the seven seas of Rhye

Another month in a blur.

My energy seems to be largely back in the right place. I definitely wasn't in any condition physically or emotionally to head off for a weeklong visit with my family only a few days after returning from Burning Man, even if it had been over a year since I'd seen them. But it had done a number on my mental state.

So... Take Two. Earthdance was only a week after returning from Oregon. Pretty expensive compared to the other festivals I'd been at, I probably wouldn't have gone at all if I hadn't already purchased my ticket months before. I'm very much glad I went though, for I was able to regain a lot of the energy and spirit I'd felt at Burning Man which got messed up in the ensuing weeks. It was a great festival with awesome music, but there were also a large number of assholes there as well. Some guy (we're not sure if he was on coke or meth at the time or just drunk) actually heckled the campfire gathering. There was lots more litter on the ground (mostly beer cans and bottles) than I recall from last year. It was as if there were two separate festivals going on at the same time: one for the people actually wanting peace and wanting to make things better for the next generation and wanting to grow closer as a people. And one for people just looking for yet another rave or party who didn't care what kind of footprint or trash they left behind.

I'm back now. Rather thankfully, since I'm more than a bit weary. I can trace the path I've been on back to last year's Burning Man and Earthdance. Much has happened in the past year, and I'd like to think I've grown a lot and learned a few things. I've seen the creative and ecstatic spirit of humanity and reveled in it. And yes, I've partied the night (or weekend) away like crazy. I've spent more time away from home than I have living in it. I'm starting to feel the toll it can take: there came a point at Burning Man, Friday I think, where I actually wished I were at home in bed rather than being sandblasted by yet another duststorm. And this past weekend at Earthdance was hotter during the day and colder at night than even Burning Man, such that we packed up and left early Sunday as the heat was more than we were ready to handle.

I think I might take it easier for a while.