I dreamt last night that Smokey was back...in a way. He was a ghost, but I could see him, intermittently. My dad was visiting, and he apparently could see him too. Smokey curled up next to me on the couch, and I was petting his head and scratching him under the chin. It's weird how my brain remembers what his fur felt like and the size and shape of his head.
I recall thinking in the dream that at least I could have him around as a ghost. Not too bad.
I need a new lj theme. The current one with its "construction" theme doesn't apply anymore. At least, it's not the bulk of my thoughts like it used to be. I guess that shows that I have changed. It's hard to tell sometimes, especially when you have a memory like mine. Stuff just gets skewed. Add to that the fact that my brain likes to emphasize certain events over others, and before long, my memory gets pretty damned inaccurate.
There are some things I wish I could change faster than the rate at which they're currently changing, but I am satisfied with any amount of progress in these "tough spots." I'm conquering a lot of my obsessive thinking patterns, but very, very slowly. Scheduling is still a major problem and I feel like I am taking two steps back for every one step forward. Another thing bothering me is that I still haven't made any new friends in the area. Granted, my efforts in that area have been pretty minimal - basically boiling down to keeping a my space and OKC account. Usually if I try to message people, it either results in no response, or we message each other back and forth for a bit and it then peters out. *sigh*
Not to focus so much on the failures, I've been going to therapy fairly regularly, and trying to write down more of my thoughts while there and after the sessions. I was offered antidepressant samples by a nurse practicioner I went to for a checkup, but decided to forego them after reading up on that particular type. I feel like I need to do this on my own, if possible. So far, I've been happier in the past few months than I remember feeling in quite some time. Considering some of the challenges I am facing now (relative to my own life--I'm not saying it's difficult in general), I consider my current state with some satisfaction.
So now it's just continued work and further honing, as well as tackling some of the remaining challenges. But I feel more prepared to do so than I ever did before.
As a side note, an update on "Lester" the cat:
He apparently has had a rather difficult life so far. Some neighbors down the street were (to my next door neighbor's knowledge) the cat's first owners. They put him out for good about 2-3 years ago, it seems. At that point, my next door neighbors took him in, and eventually gave him to the previous owners of my house. They took him with them when they moved to another area of the city, and then gave him to their friends (location undisclosed). Because when we found him he was so thin, it seemed he'd been roaming without a home for quite some time. He apparently came back to my house because it was someplace he knew. In any case, after a small summit with the neighborhood children who were trying to give him back to the original owner (who had thrown him away to begin with), I realized the parameters of the problem and explained to the kids that he needed a lot of care and that I would be taking him in "until he was better." They agreed to this and took off, probably giving little thought to it afterwards.
Anyway, Lester, aka Smokey, seems to have found his new old home.
For the past few days, a stray cat (see photos ( Collapse ) has been hanging around the house. First, he just seemed like a neighborhood cat in heat, sitting outside on the deck and meowing loudly. Then he remained while the other cat(s) that were accompanying him took off. He stopped meowing as much, and curled up in a pile of dry grape leaves in a sunny corner of the deck. When I got closer to him, I noticed how thin he was. His head was by far the largest part of his body. I decided to put some food in a dish and set it outside, to see if he would eat. He scarfed it down like he was afraid to lose it.
We thought he might have a collar on because there was a dent in his fur, but when I got close enough to touch him, I saw it was just the place where a collar had been. I have been feeding him once a day for the past few days, and I gave him some water. A day or two ago he started rubbing up against me. Yesterday I gave him a pet on the head and he started purring and following me around. He tried to get past me into the house, but I had to keep him outside. I can't let him in until I know that he isn't sick, because I don't want Shadow (my cat) to get sick. Also, this guy, who I am calling "Lester" because that's what he looks like to me, is not neutered, which means he might get the desire to spray around the house, which is not something that would make me really happy.
I wanted to see if he had somewhere to go at night, so I put a fuzzy cat bed that Shadow doesn't like out on the deck. I figured that if he was staying outside, at least he would be warmer if he used the bed. When I left for work early this morning, I looked inside and he was snuggled up in the bed, sure enough.
I'm going to go around the neighborhood tonight and post some flyers in case anyone is looking for him. But, from the state he is in, I'm not sure anyone is. If no one claims him, then I will decide how to proceed. I might be able to get vet care for him and neutering if I agree to foster him until a good home is found. We'll see what the options are, I guess.
Lots has been happening, but I don't have time to do a full update. I had an old friend visit for about a week and ate myself into oblivion :) Then my boyfriend stayed with me this past weekend. It was the first time he was at my house, and I think it went pretty well. Of course, now I have the recurring issues that have been plaguing me for years rearing their familiar, if not ugly, heads again...I wish I could see a solution. But I probably just need a solution for me :/
No Halloweenies this year, so I'm stuck with a bunch of candy. Apparently, they were supposed to come by Thursday. I was here; not sure where they were. Oh well...better luck next year I guess.
There has been a recent addition to my life -- my kitten Shadow, so named because of his habit of following me around the house. ( Collapse )
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