My last remaining grandparent passed away this afternoon.
I wish my mom would have waited until I was off work to tell me. But I am glad she didn't.
While losing hours fucking sucks. I would have lost them anyway because I would have been too devastated to go to work tomorrow.
I had most of today to process a lot of my feelings by working with my hands and finishing my desk build.
Though I hate being so emotionally stunted that my instinctual solution to being emotionally distressed is wanting to fuck about it.
Instead I decided to project myself to death just work out my feelings. Because if I sit and wallow I'll just spiral and cry all day. It's best if I do things and cry about it instead.
Plus sobbing at work leads to mistakes and I work in a field where I need to be able to check my work and keep my attention to detail sharp. Hard to do with tear soaked eyes.
I did freak out on my partner. I've been doing that a lot tbh. I just can't handle him being him on top of everything else I'm dealing with. It would be one thing if he was helpful. I know he's trying his best, like we all are, but I feel like we're just fundamentally incompatible as people.
Friends yes, partners no.
I'm sure there's things about me he dislikes as well and had a hard time with.
We communicate, but I am easily triggered by the smallest things and it's hard for me to manage my reactions when I am already so overwhelmed and overstimulated all the time. I just want to have one day of non hyper vigilance.
I'm starting to think I just shouldn't live with people in general.
Exposure therapy to the bus has been helping me with my fear of it.
House is listed.
I am still struggling. But my med situation is handled for the time being.
I got exceptionally sick when I got back from handling the house things. Could have been exposure to something there or from pushing myself past my limits yet again since I had to do everything myself. My ex was useless and ambushed me with his mom.
I was cordial, but I have never responded well to guilt trips and his mothers go to tactic is guilt trips.
I just have a lot of shit on my mind still. But I am trying my best to stay alive and not slip back into old toxic cycles and coping mechanisms.
We had a mutual friend over today and my boyfriend snapped at me.
I didn't even notice it because tbh I'm so numb to aggression in any form it just doesn't register anymore.
But our friend called my partner out on how he's never seen him be that aggressive with any of his partners before.
And it's brought up an old wound and deep insecurity of mine.
I quite often feel like I am the person who destroys people. Even though I don't do anything. People just naturally hate me or get destroyed by me. Their shine dims and I ruin them by existing.
I know, logically that's not the case. I know, logically, that I am not single handedly responsible for all the bad things in the world.
But I often feel like I am a curse on humanity and that if I didn't exist, the world would be so much better off.
I'm not suicidal or anything.
I just feel like under the surface I shouldn't have existed in the first place. I was not meant to survive here and yet I have.
My own mother changed after giving birth to me. My father has confirmed it.
I've been told over and over by people who should have loved me that I am a mistake and I am the reason they spiral.
I survived my first week in my actual job by myself.
Things are changing again rapidly.
I am learning not to expect anything from anyone again.
Still not sure if I made the correct choices.
My ex is still determined to not release me even though I am hundreds of miles away.
Bills keep piling up and money keeps siphoning through my fingers like I can't make enough to cover the cost of living.
People keep telling my I need to shift my mindset out of scarcity, but it's hard to when the decks been stacked against you your entire life.
Every break I've fought tooth and nail for, and I've bleed out on the streets.
I won't do it again.
My coworkers keep trying to convince me that the job can be soul sucking and keep referring to me as a sweet summer child. And it's honestly annoying because they know absolutely nothing about me or my experiences.
I've been straight up assaulted, shit on, thrown up on, bleed on, and bitten in previous jobs. I've been stalked and harassed by both clients and coworkers alike...I can handle being yelled at over the phone. Those jobs weren't even in a medical adjacent field.
Like, I've had head wounds from being assaulted and finished my fucking shift.
I don't go down easy. I don't have a glass jaw. I've been punched enough times in the face to know.
I am trying really hard not to panic but deadlines are coming up and I'm meeting resistance again.
It'll be fine and work how it works.
I just wish my school stuff wasn't all behind a paywall when I'm already trying to get ahead and recover financially from being unemployed for a year and divorcing.
Anyway. Scarcity is real and I am trying to get into a prosperity mindset and change my vibrations.
I am thankful for the new opportunities and my failures honestly.
I wouldn't be who I am if I wouldn't have gone through half the shit I did.
I am feeling rather hopeless today, but it like everything else is just a fleeting feeling.
Probably triggered by uncertainty and the utter audacity of the idiotic men in my life.
I do not hate men. I love them.
But I honestly believe the male loneliness epidemic is self caused by their utter lack of self-awareness and inability to reflect and unwillingness to evolve and basically be decent human beings. No homo. 🙄
Like incels are one thing but the red pill pandemic is getting worse and the sheer amount of dude bros who think their deep seeded issues are the fault of the women in their lives are simply out of touch and delusional at best. Deadly and violent at worst.
Emotional intelligence is not a common theme among men these days and it's crippling to the species.
Uterine havers do not want to get impregnated by people who are so out of touch with reality that they think washing their ass crack makes them gay.
Trying to figure out how to come up with money for the deposit has been a bit of a nightmare because there's a lot of things that haven't happened that need to happen.
I emailed the landlord to find out when the latest we had to get the deposit was.
Short of selling a kidney I am not sure how I'm going to get the money..
Plasma donation is out because I don't qualify for reasons.
My dumb brain keeps waking me up at 545 am regardless of what time I fall asleep.
Long days with little sleep lead to long weeks and burn out.
Especially since this is my first week a new job and there is a lot of stuff to learn this first week.
I could do without the hand holding on stuff I already know how to do. But I get why it's necessary.
I really like my new place of work.
I think it'll be better once I actually get on the phones and start taking live calls.
Having to dumb myself down and slow down my learning pace is mentally draining.
I already have to be extra guarded on how I act because I can be weird socially because I'm autistic.
Oh yeah. I am autistic. Lol. Uh.. I got an official diagnosis like three years ago?
But yeah. Uhm the psych I got my eval through while I was doing it was like it is blazingly obvious you're autistic and have ADHD, but I still had to do the full evaluation. 😩
