(no subject)
Did some more sewing yesterday, just mending is what it is. I have couple things I could use patching material for, but it stands to reason it ought to be something rather old, that I can't wear anymore because of holes worn in it.
OMg thank you Robyn T. you are sending me all kinds of stuff in PT/FTV. I need to "get back to you" on that.
I feel so incredibly selfish for just coming to the library and playing games, but I do it because it's the only thing I know I want to do, or at least I can't not do it. The Inners to some extent have quit playing it to clear room for ...I don't know what.
Weird dreams, always weird dreams. They all seem to be about the lack of forgiveness. All in the form of serious wounds with NO blood anywhere.
I went church today, just to sit for few minutes. It's a huge Catholic church and the air conditioning was going strong, an electric fountain powers the Baptismal Font, which is...a fountain now. They used to have a thing that looked like an oversized bird bath. Well, I guess they have to keep it cool even though it's not that hot out, they have "Customers" coming in at 4:45 for Mass on Saturdays.
What brought me in (and I'm not always sure what it is that brings me here or there, I just go, I guess inners are steering) is that I had a little revelation about why my dear dear dear, tres cher friend Anita keeps saying she's my friend when she is daggone NOT my friend--is that she's threatening me.
She never ever calls, never writes, etc., long ago told me I am erratic and selfish, bleah bleah bleah. And said--"and I'm not going to apologize for <i>that!</i>" And she never did. Good, the friendship, the idea of being Bestest Friendsest Ever was her idea, and she always claimed to be my best friend. But I felt uncomfortable and did not return the sentiment, not verbally, though I guess I felt kind of a sick guilt to return the thoughts.
I think it ws manipulative. But why did she then, every time she saw me on the street, walk up to me and make conversation, how are you, talk about people we knew, etc. ? She did it again in February, and it was in the department store where she used to work. I needed some foundation garments, and was looking to see if they had what I needed, it had been years since I was there.
She apparently walked in just a little behind me, and I heard her call my name. I'm like, oh shit, I don't really want to but she doesn't seem to bite anymore, hadn't bitched at me but that one time. So she kept asking me what I was doing, and I said well spending a lot of time working my Al-Anon. That was it. Whatever the slightest thing I was doing that might be of interest, or whether I had a job or not, or whatever, I didn't mention. She nodded kind of wryly and said, "oh, I know about Al-Anon". But she didn't say anything more, and I think she must have known I was a little curious, but whatever. She mentioned she was on Facebook, and that I could add her. I said I would but it takes me a few months sometimes. Too bad I was too chicken to say no. But there's a bit of hidden history, some hidden trauma.
I was telling my sponsor this, Tues. night: Decades ago I had been walking outside, at night, like 1 or 2 in the morning. Barefoot. It was kind of like going to church today, I was going because it seemed like a fun thing to do with my time, today it seemed nice to just to go in and sit. It SEEMED nice.
Anwyay, I'm out in the middle of the night and I'm a block or 2 from home and I've just passed the church, the one I went to today. I'm just a short way away, and then...I step on a SLUG. It popped. Eeek. And a minute later, or less, there they are. My very best friend Anita and her friend Margie, the priest's brother.
That's all from Saturday. Anyway, it was totally weird, this walk out at night, and the two women never, ever, ever made a remark to me EVER about that night, about the slug, about anything. All I remember is I THINK wine was drunk, pretty sure, and I was getting the tour of the rectory in my bare feet. These were women and they never ever said, remember that time you slept on a slug, remember when we went to visit Tom at the rectory, nothing like that. Whatever happened I know it was bad and I think it was at the root of a lot of troubles. A LOT.
Anyway, I gotta go, three minutes left of online time.
OMg thank you Robyn T. you are sending me all kinds of stuff in PT/FTV. I need to "get back to you" on that.
I feel so incredibly selfish for just coming to the library and playing games, but I do it because it's the only thing I know I want to do, or at least I can't not do it. The Inners to some extent have quit playing it to clear room for ...I don't know what.
Weird dreams, always weird dreams. They all seem to be about the lack of forgiveness. All in the form of serious wounds with NO blood anywhere.
I went church today, just to sit for few minutes. It's a huge Catholic church and the air conditioning was going strong, an electric fountain powers the Baptismal Font, which is...a fountain now. They used to have a thing that looked like an oversized bird bath. Well, I guess they have to keep it cool even though it's not that hot out, they have "Customers" coming in at 4:45 for Mass on Saturdays.
What brought me in (and I'm not always sure what it is that brings me here or there, I just go, I guess inners are steering) is that I had a little revelation about why my dear dear dear, tres cher friend Anita keeps saying she's my friend when she is daggone NOT my friend--is that she's threatening me.
She never ever calls, never writes, etc., long ago told me I am erratic and selfish, bleah bleah bleah. And said--"and I'm not going to apologize for <i>that!</i>" And she never did. Good, the friendship, the idea of being Bestest Friendsest Ever was her idea, and she always claimed to be my best friend. But I felt uncomfortable and did not return the sentiment, not verbally, though I guess I felt kind of a sick guilt to return the thoughts.
I think it ws manipulative. But why did she then, every time she saw me on the street, walk up to me and make conversation, how are you, talk about people we knew, etc. ? She did it again in February, and it was in the department store where she used to work. I needed some foundation garments, and was looking to see if they had what I needed, it had been years since I was there.
She apparently walked in just a little behind me, and I heard her call my name. I'm like, oh shit, I don't really want to but she doesn't seem to bite anymore, hadn't bitched at me but that one time. So she kept asking me what I was doing, and I said well spending a lot of time working my Al-Anon. That was it. Whatever the slightest thing I was doing that might be of interest, or whether I had a job or not, or whatever, I didn't mention. She nodded kind of wryly and said, "oh, I know about Al-Anon". But she didn't say anything more, and I think she must have known I was a little curious, but whatever. She mentioned she was on Facebook, and that I could add her. I said I would but it takes me a few months sometimes. Too bad I was too chicken to say no. But there's a bit of hidden history, some hidden trauma.
I was telling my sponsor this, Tues. night: Decades ago I had been walking outside, at night, like 1 or 2 in the morning. Barefoot. It was kind of like going to church today, I was going because it seemed like a fun thing to do with my time, today it seemed nice to just to go in and sit. It SEEMED nice.
Anwyay, I'm out in the middle of the night and I'm a block or 2 from home and I've just passed the church, the one I went to today. I'm just a short way away, and then...I step on a SLUG. It popped. Eeek. And a minute later, or less, there they are. My very best friend Anita and her friend Margie, the priest's brother.
That's all from Saturday. Anyway, it was totally weird, this walk out at night, and the two women never, ever, ever made a remark to me EVER about that night, about the slug, about anything. All I remember is I THINK wine was drunk, pretty sure, and I was getting the tour of the rectory in my bare feet. These were women and they never ever said, remember that time you slept on a slug, remember when we went to visit Tom at the rectory, nothing like that. Whatever happened I know it was bad and I think it was at the root of a lot of troubles. A LOT.
Anyway, I gotta go, three minutes left of online time.