Indifference
*Goes crazy because the LJ Writer's Block prompt is blocked again*
So I Googled it.
One of my friends on my other journal who is schizo decided to ignore any voices he heard which are indifferent. I'd just never thought of this before.
My problem is sometimes indifference. Or maybe that I'd rather feel no pain and get nothing done with my life, than get anything done if I feel pain.
Come to think of it, mainly I wish to sow no more pain, to do nothing that will result in pain.
But I don't have a life, there is nothing I am interested in but insulating myself. I haven't called my therapists, who say they are my firneds, not my therapists. Well, they are certified and I have gotten all my treatment for free. But I am still able to fool myself into believing I do not have to work.
Well, I can't work, or I would. I can't even stay organized enough to get a State ID. It's like life is telling me, "you can't move forward now, you have to learn something first". But what?
Priorities, I guess. I'm just getting eaten alive by small stuff, by worrying about stuff. And whatever I worry about doesn't get done anyway.
I think I'm so worried about being safe that I'm doing nothing that matters. I'm just at a standstill. I think I have been no interested in anything not going on in my head for years.
I was reading in my journal from 1 1/2 years ago, Dec. '08, that I had all these scratches on me, bruises. It was like I was having a fight with someone--but I wasn't sure. I thought it might have been real. I documented the bruises and then only thought of it once in a while. To wonder, did something really happen?
Then I read about John Nash, that he doesn't even remember his "delusional characters". So I've concluded I have no other reason to think anything real happened, just that it was all in my head. I wasn't hanging around with or talking to anyone outside the body who would have been in my room, don't think it was anyone in my physical family. What would they be doing in my room they are never there but to steal while I'm gone.
Yeah, well....
Anyway, I guess that's progress, to know the nature of what happened, if not the particulars. For some reason I associate Dave with that room and that episode. And Dave has come around since then.
(rambling....)
Sandy, Barry, Unk.
So I Googled it.
One of my friends on my other journal who is schizo decided to ignore any voices he heard which are indifferent. I'd just never thought of this before.
My problem is sometimes indifference. Or maybe that I'd rather feel no pain and get nothing done with my life, than get anything done if I feel pain.
Come to think of it, mainly I wish to sow no more pain, to do nothing that will result in pain.
But I don't have a life, there is nothing I am interested in but insulating myself. I haven't called my therapists, who say they are my firneds, not my therapists. Well, they are certified and I have gotten all my treatment for free. But I am still able to fool myself into believing I do not have to work.
Well, I can't work, or I would. I can't even stay organized enough to get a State ID. It's like life is telling me, "you can't move forward now, you have to learn something first". But what?
Priorities, I guess. I'm just getting eaten alive by small stuff, by worrying about stuff. And whatever I worry about doesn't get done anyway.
I think I'm so worried about being safe that I'm doing nothing that matters. I'm just at a standstill. I think I have been no interested in anything not going on in my head for years.
I was reading in my journal from 1 1/2 years ago, Dec. '08, that I had all these scratches on me, bruises. It was like I was having a fight with someone--but I wasn't sure. I thought it might have been real. I documented the bruises and then only thought of it once in a while. To wonder, did something really happen?
Then I read about John Nash, that he doesn't even remember his "delusional characters". So I've concluded I have no other reason to think anything real happened, just that it was all in my head. I wasn't hanging around with or talking to anyone outside the body who would have been in my room, don't think it was anyone in my physical family. What would they be doing in my room they are never there but to steal while I'm gone.
Yeah, well....
Anyway, I guess that's progress, to know the nature of what happened, if not the particulars. For some reason I associate Dave with that room and that episode. And Dave has come around since then.
(rambling....)
Sandy, Barry, Unk.