(no subject)
I wish I had a computer at home, and internet. Still at the library. I thought 10 years ago it would be easy but it hasn't been. I guess one of our fronters was making it as difficult as possible because he was afraid that he would get into some stuff bad for us if we had it at home.
At the library, no way we can go places that would not be approved of.
I feel very selfish for always making a beeline to the nearest available computer, it's all I can think about. And I'll usuall knock anyone out of my way, or it feels like it, I'm sure it feels like that to the librarians too. They try to be polite, I try to be polite, but...yeah.
And I'm afraid they'll find out I don't have a job, haven't had one in 15 years, or more. Except for a six-month period, in 2003/04.
And it's scary. I didn't know why I was living the way I was, yet deep down I knew it, I must have. Must still know all the things that I am still trying to bring out of the back of my head, out of all the people in here, hiding them...
I gained weight over Christmas, partly it is because I am afraid of the idea of personal relationships and the feelings that come over me when I interact with people. Normal feelings, and good ones I guess, it's just I haven't felt them and having personal relationships in the past was something that really made life suck, they never turned out well.
I also have tried to exercise more, maybe it is coming about. But it also makes me fear when I want to, should, could--but also cannot. Scary.
Lately I have been getting the idea of all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, not that I am working working working, but that I am only thinking of work, I am not able to relax.
Before that even occurred to me, I started weaving in the idea of not just listing tasks in my head mentally, but more enjoyable tasks than just laundry, for instance, weaving in the idea of doing something more enjoyable.
At the library, no way we can go places that would not be approved of.
I feel very selfish for always making a beeline to the nearest available computer, it's all I can think about. And I'll usuall knock anyone out of my way, or it feels like it, I'm sure it feels like that to the librarians too. They try to be polite, I try to be polite, but...yeah.
And I'm afraid they'll find out I don't have a job, haven't had one in 15 years, or more. Except for a six-month period, in 2003/04.
And it's scary. I didn't know why I was living the way I was, yet deep down I knew it, I must have. Must still know all the things that I am still trying to bring out of the back of my head, out of all the people in here, hiding them...
I gained weight over Christmas, partly it is because I am afraid of the idea of personal relationships and the feelings that come over me when I interact with people. Normal feelings, and good ones I guess, it's just I haven't felt them and having personal relationships in the past was something that really made life suck, they never turned out well.
I also have tried to exercise more, maybe it is coming about. But it also makes me fear when I want to, should, could--but also cannot. Scary.
Lately I have been getting the idea of all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, not that I am working working working, but that I am only thinking of work, I am not able to relax.
Before that even occurred to me, I started weaving in the idea of not just listing tasks in my head mentally, but more enjoyable tasks than just laundry, for instance, weaving in the idea of doing something more enjoyable.