
Dear Gravitation fandom (and fanpoodles er girls in particular),
Why someone had to make a story out of my life is beyond me but they did and now there is a wonderful fandom out there. Please allow me to contain my joy.
Yippee.
I'd like to take a moment to address a few issues in the dribble, crap, shit writing I've read from the adoring fans.
Leave your mary sues and marty stus in their little cages. I will not fall for them and profess undying love after three paragraphs of meeting them. You remember Shuichi? The moron I live with? Ask him. Confessions of love are not me. I don't do love.
However, I'm sure my idiot brother will gladly do your little marys and martys for a one time fee.
Stop turning me into a girl. No matter how shiny and pretty my hair is, I am not a woman. I have a dick. I know how to use it. Not all men are slobs and just because I can cook does not make me a screaming faggot. When I dress like Seguchi, then you can label me the next Queer Writer for the Straight Moron.
I do not cry. Ever. The incident with Shuichi was a fluke. Do not repeat it.
Back to the girl business, even though Shuichi acts like he has PMS and cries at the drop of a hat, he is not a woman. He has a dick too. He might not know how to use it outside of pissing..but HE HAS ONE!
Crossdressing is not my friend or yours.
Shuichi is a brat, a punk, a singer, a moron, an idiot and even a baka.
He is not and never will be my wittle pink haired angel. If I ever call him that, K will come to your house and shoot you for putting such nicknames into my head.
Cigarettes and caffiene are a vital, necessary part of my life. I will not quit either. For those that think I will: Don't. Make. Me. Hurt. You.
I do have feelings. I am not a complete asshole or bastard. I can be nice when I chose to be. Don't assume I'm a total block of ice because I'm not a girly, weeping, in touch with my feelings man. I write romance novels. I do know a thing or two about emotions. I just chose not to share mine with the world. That's what I keep Shuichi around for besides the sex.
I don't beg for anything from anyone in any language. Ever.
I drink more than beer and do eat from time to time. A writer does not live by Budweiser alone. I've tried. It failed.
Grammar is your friend. I can use complete sentences and know what a spell check is. Why don't you?
I do leave the office for something other than sex. I do more than sleep, smoke, write, and fuck. Occasionally, I go outside. You know, the place beyond the apartment doors? I have a healthy libido but even I cannot have sex twenty three hours of the day. It's humanly impossible.
I am not screwing every single employee of N-G. Yes, that includes the president. Please refrain from turning me into everyone's bitch.
Sincerely yours, Stop mailing me your underwear.
Eiri Uesugi. Disgruntled Writer.