get busy living or get busy dying

I said I was going to livetweet my time at the headache clinic, and mostly I have...not done that. So consider this a running log of what we've done. Take what's useful, I guess?

( Read more... )

I'm trying to decide if I'd rather procrastinate on packing by writing or procrastinate on writing by packing, so instead I'm doing neither. Instead, what I'm going to do is update the void that is lj/dw on my life, because I haven't posted a proper life update in FOREVER, and I would like to have a record of it somewhere. So, since last we spoke, I have:

- had a total and complete mental breakdown! I'm now back in therapy and on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication because I spent all of last semester losing my mind with stress and unhappiness and hating everything about myself and my life. It's been about a month on my new medication, and I'm so much better already that I can barely recognise who I was.

- withdrawn from my PhD. If you've been playing along at home, you know that I've been unhappy doing it for literally years at this point, but lacked the courage to actually take the shot. But I told my supervisor on Monday that I'm not coming back, and he was excellent and supportive and gave me a hug and I'm super happy even though it means walking away from a career ten years in the making.

- decided to apply to a DIFFERENT PhD program, because I'm nuts. But also not nuts, because everyone that I've spoken to about it has been really supportive and thinks it's a great idea and perfect fit for me given my interests + academic background. I'm not going to go into too much detail here, but suffice to say that if all goes according to plan, I'll be moving to Montreal next year to do something that's about 10000000x more awesome than I ever thought I could do.

Exciting things happening in the near future:

- I'm moving! To the west end! Hence all the packing that I'm not doing. I've been stuck in the east end for the better part of two years now, and while the east end is great, my particular neighbourhood is incredibly isolating and boring and I'm so, so glad to be out of here. It was massively contributing to my depression and anxiety, especially since my landlord has been trying to evict me for things that are entirely their own fault and harassing me for money for things that are also entirely their own fault.

- I'm going to Montreal! Which actually isn't that exciting, because I was supposed to be presenting at a conference but because I'm a dropout I'm not doing that anymore, so now I'm just hanging around while my bff presents at the conference until we can go drink. The highlight/lowlight will probably be being forced to watch the Habs in the playoffs, but at least I can cheer obnoxiously for Cally and probably get myself beaten up by angry French Canadians.

- I'm going to Greece! To the not-actually-ancestral-homeland! (My family is from a part of Greece that denies being part of Greece but is in turn denied political autonomy by Greece, so.) Two weeks on a vacation paid for by family members who have more money than god, yeeeeaahhh.

- literally nothing else because I'm unemployed because taking four months of mental health leave was, on the one hand, absolutely necessary, but on the other hand, also a problem because lol income, what is that? So I'm waiting impatiently for my tax return to be processed so that I can pay my rent for the next little while, lolsob. I hope someone hires me soon (spoiler alert: they won't, because if there's anything more useless in this job market than a PhD it's an incomplete PhD).

ANYWAY, HOW ABOUT THAT LOCAL SPORTS ORGANIZATION (LOL LEAFS) AND/OR ROBOT ARM PORN I HOPE YOU'RE ALL WRITING?

Dear Yuletide writer,

Thank you for agreeing to write a story for me, though, oh god, given how nuts my requests are, I would be completely understanding if you bailed. Since my dw/lj have basically been abandoned in these recent times, heads up that I'm also on tumblr at therealdeepsix in case you need to know just how nuts I am about robots/time travel/Abbie Mills's face. In terms of my general likes/dislikes:

Likes: Friends going on wacky adventures, ass-kicking, humour, porn. I like it when people have to struggle to work through their feelings for one another. I like it when people who love each other have fun together, and when they quietly pine for one another (but not for very long), and when they're horrible to each other but manage to sort it out because they just love each other that much. I like it when people who love each other just hang out and are awesome, but I also like it when people who love each other have insanely hot sex with each other.

Basically, I like things that are a little bit fun, a little bit sexy, and a little bit full of feeeelings.

Dislikes: I would rather not have anything super dark, angsty, or despairing, even though some of these are fairly dark canons. I don't like it when people are unnecessarily cruel to one another. I don't enjoy rape or non-con, although dubcon is strangely okay (...and hot). I also don't like it when relationships outside of the one being explored (whether friendly or romantic) are disparaged in order to make that relationship seem better.

( Fandom-specific details: Sleepy Hollow, This Is the End, Almost Human, BioShock Infinite. )

I've been really cranky about fandom things the past few weeks.

a. I didn't sign up for Yuletide this year, despite appearing on Fandomspotting to talk about how excited I was to do it. This is because I spent the month of October labouring under the misapprehension that they'd disqualified Assassin's Creed III, despite the fact that it didn't even exist as a source at the time of nomination, and I was so fucking pissed about it that I couldn't bring myself to sign up. But it turns out that it was reinstated, only NO ONE EVER REPLIED TO MY COMMENT TELLING ME THAT IT HAD BEEN, so I only found out when I was going through the DYW letter spreadsheet and saw that someone had requested it. Good fucking job, Yuletide admin. I know they've got lots of other stuff to worry about beyond whether my pet fandom gets in, but this (plus other annually recurring bullshit) has pretty much completely soured me on the exchange. I'm happy that other people are excited about it, and I guess I might still try to write a treat, but overall: ugh.

b. I've been finding lj-based hockey fandom a really unpleasant place to be lately. I'm sure there are some perfectly lovely people left on lj (and yes, whoever's reading this, you are probably one of them) but I find, in general, that lj-based hockey fandom is a real cult of nice. And if you're wondering why I never post about hockey anymore: this is why. Because I've certainly written hockey-related posts; I just don't post them, because I find that the culture that's developed on lj to be extremely unwelcoming of the kind of stuff that I want to talk about. Being critical of other people's grasp of characterization, setting, Canadian culture, or even hockey in general, is strongly discouraged. I find the whole thing kind of distressing, actually, because how the fuck do you do fandom without talking about the problems with 1) the source material or 2) fannish output? For example, I spent months and months in Inception complaining (in a pretty high profile way) about bad characterization and all the gross shit people wrote, and I never once felt like I was doing anything wrong. But now? If I want to make a post explaining (for example) how gross the Good Canadian Boy stereotype is when it shows up in all earnestness either in fic or in meta commentary, or how a lot of fic doesn't ring true for me because a lot of authors don't make a meaningful distinction between Canadian culture and American culture, I feel like fandom will close ranks and run me out for being a dick. Because fandom doesn't want to have these conversations, because it's too mean and it might hurt someone's feelings to have their ideas criticized.

What it comes down to is that I feel like the only acceptable way to be fannish about hockey on lj is to post mindless squee about butts, or Jonathan Toews' inability to have an emotion, or otherwise to complain about things that no one could possibly disagree with, like the lockout or how Gary Bettman is a weasel in a skin suit. It's not that people shouldn't talk about those things, but I want it to be acceptable and even encouraged to talk and argue about other things, too. Why is it so hard to imagine that we, as a fandom, can disagree about things without somehow destroying the whole endeavour? Why can we not have dissent that isn't automatically branded as wank, or seen as evidence of evil forces conspiring to ruin happiness? Because I don't want to tear fandom apart, but I do want to be able to talk about what's wrong with it. But the prevailing culture won't allow that, and it's making me pretty miserable here.

ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED TOPIC, here is a thing that will never make me miserable (and marries elements of points a and b):



WHO IS GOING TO WRITE THE STORY WHERE CAREY PRICE IS AN ASSASSIN? I DON'T KNOW WHAT WOULD HAPPEN BUT CLEARLY PK SUBBAN AND STEVEN STAMKOS SHOULD ALSO BE INVOLVED SOMEHOW, BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN HANGING OUT LATELY I THINK? PERHAPS GARY BETTMAN IS ACTUALLY THE HEAD OF ABSTERGO AND THEY MUST RID THE WORLD OF HIM FOREVER? THE POINT IS, CAREY PRICE WITH HIDDEN BLADES.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

I was going to say that this was the first time I've ever gone three weeks without posting when I didn't have the excuse of not having internet access, but it turns out that's not true, so let's scrap that.

POINT THE FIRST: How about that Rick Nash trade, eh? I'm sad to see Dubi and Artie go, but Howson pretty much did get ripped off, so I approve. Anyway, Nash has already won my heart by making some pretty complimentary statements about Cally, which I think we can all agree is #therightway. Anyone who doesn't like Ryan Callahan is crap and should feel bad. #stan

POINT THE SECOND: sometimesalways came to Chicago over the weekend and we went to the Blackhawks convention, which I was pretty apprehensive about. For one thing, I'm not much of a Blackhawks fan: I like them, and if I had to choose a western conference team, it would be them. But the western conference is obviously the vastly inferior conference, so who really cares? Secondly, I am (and always have been) super uninterested in interacting with sports fandom in that way, which meant that I was supremely apathetic about a good 50% of the proceedings. BUT I actually had a really good time! Even though I talked to my dad on my way home afterwards and outright lied about what I'd been doing all weekend because I was too ashamed/terrified to admit it.*

^* When you come from a long line of Leafs fans, even when they're mostly now ex-fans, it's hard enough to admit that you even like another team, let alone like another team well enough to invest actual time and money in them during the off-season when you've never even paid to see the Leafs play. Plus, if admitting that I like a sunbelt team was bad, I cannot even imagine my parents' reaction to telling them I like another (in fact, two other!) original six team(s). These are the greatest of betrayals.**

^** Yes, Canadians are really weird/dumb/ridiculous about hockey.

( This is not actually a recap. )

POINT THE THIRD: I saw TDKR on Friday, and even though I only know things about the Batman universe through fannish osmosis and went into the movie unspoiled, it was entirely predictable from start to finish. Which is not to say that I didn't enjoy it! Because I did. But it lacked the narrative disorientation that I expect from Nolan's movies, and I found that very disappointing. Also, the sound design was terrible.

POINT THE FOURTH: Chicago is really, really awesome and I kind of don't want to leave.

In conclusion, I keep watching this video of Sidney Crosby slewfooting Ryan Callahan (especially worth it for Cally yelling, "are you fucking kidding me?") and alternating between getting righteously indignant on Cally's behalf and laughing at everyone else's righteous indignation that Crosby got away with it, because lol Crosby.

HI CANADA I AM BACK.

I've slept a grand total of 8.5 hours of the last 42 -- I stayed up all night last night because my flight was at 10am, and I had to leave my place at 6:45 in order to get to the airport on time, and it just seemed easier that way. Also because I went to a party with the neighbours and got drunk and ended up hooking up with some guy who no fucking way was he 21, but I can't really imagine the need for a fake ID in France SO MAYBE HE WAS. I didn't bang him, though, because he lived with his mom and wanted to fuck in the garden and also no way, because I stopped having outdoor sex with super young dudes at least four years ago. I walked away with my dignity slightly worse for the wear, stains on my knees, and lolz for a lifetime. #CLASSACT

I don't recommend flying transatlantic with a hangover, by the way. At least I got to piss off the really annoying couple next to me by falling asleep and not letting them get out to use the bathroom for seven and a half hours.

How are you, internet!

Things I could be posting about: that time I went to Pisa with myricarubra when neither of us had really slept on account of the Rangers losing (tragically), and how on the way back to Rome I cried over Ryan Callahan's stupid sad brave beautiful little face (kill me); who the fuck Steven Stamkos is (because I can't believe are people on my flist who don't know); going to Paris on Saturday yessss fuck you Rome.

What I am posting about instead: rule changes in hockey! Also, incidentally, the lockout.

We already know that the 2004-5 lockout ruined hockey (see also: the salary cap; the elimination of the red line; that fucking delay of game penalty; THE SHOOTOUT^* -- I'd say you can ask me to expand on any of these but it will just be vitriolic word vomit, ftr, but I guess that might be what you're looking for) and now they're trying to do it again. Here are the highlights:

- In a post-season game, in order to discourage teams from "send[ing] a message" to others, there's the suggestion that "penalties incurred in the closing minutes of a post-season game [...] be 'travelled' or carried over to the next game in the series." These would be penalties that are "not incidental" to the game (e.g. hooking, tripping, etc.) but that also don't warrant supplementary disciplinary action, like, uh, apparently, Shea Weber smashing Zetterberg's face repeatedly into the glass. Are you fucking kidding me? Here's a radical idea: ACTUALLY DISCIPLINE ASSHOLE BEHAVIOUR LIKE THIS. This shit doesn't need to be carried over if it's dealt with correctly in the first place. I'm looking at you, Brendan Shanahan.

- "Several of the managers are also concerned that the game is becoming too defensive-minded and trending more toward a soccer-type style", so they might try to introduce "a package of new rules to spice up the game" like they did last time they negotiated. Only this time, scoring is still too low, so they want to discourage shot blocking, because those New York Rangers totally scammed their way into top seed in the East through excessive use of the much frowned-upon tactic known as "not letting the other team score" hahahaha are you kidding me? Let's just never mind that it was the 2005 rule change that brought us here in the first place, with the elimination of the red line and decreased tolerance of obstruction^** leading to increased emphasis on shot blocking league-wide. What are they going to do now, eliminate the offside? Here's another radical idea: stop pretending that hockey isn't entertaining if there aren't a million pucks in the back of the net at the end of sixty minutes!!

tl;dr I think we should institute a rule change called Fire Gary Bettman.

P.S. if anyone is looking to relive the experience of the lockout/experience it for the first time, just watch the first thirty seconds of this video on repeat until your screen goes blurry. And then imagine holding onto that feeling for sixteen months straight. You're welcome.

^* In before someone thinks I intend this as a slight against anyone who enjoys these elements of post-lockout hockey: I don't. I think those rule changes suck, but I was also a big fan of the No Score Nineties, so obviously my priorities are not everybody else's priorities.
^** If you watched pre-lockout hockey, you didn't see anywhere near as many blocked shots, because the majority of defensive plays were happening up in the neutral zone or along the boards.

Last night I saw the Avengers and tonight I'm going to Rome, and I actually spent a good ten minutes googling theatres in Rome that show undubbed films because I really want to see it again. I spent six months there last year and never bothered to find out if there was such a theatre, but I guess the Avengers really was just that awesome? Like, it wasn't even over when I turned to my bff and said, "why am I leaving? I want to see this a million more times!" So there's that.

Anyway, this post is serving double duty to inform you that I'm going to spend tonight on an unnecessarily long flight (because the airline cancelled my direct flight and now I have to fly through Montreal askldhasldfhlsdfs), so if anyone has any long fic recs for me to put on my kindle so I don't die of boredom while I completely fail to sleep, that would be awesome! Any fandom you know I read, and even fandoms I don't would be acceptable. :D?

Now I have to pack. :(

So twenty years of being a Leafs fan/ex-fan/fan prepared me well for the crushing disappointment of the Blackhawks going out in the first round, which, if you had asked me a month ago, I wouldn't have even given a shit. (Before the playoffs started, sometimesalways asked me who I'd be cheering for, and I said I was team good clean hockey, which Pittsburgh and Philadelphia managed to eliminate in game one. The real answer was apparently Patrick Kane's dumb face/Duncan Keith's mullet/I guess I like Brent Seabrook now?) Point is: twenty years of dealing with the Leafs' failure made it very easy for me to move from despair to grim satisfaction at watching the Hawks get completely crushed as the game progressed. I would get very little enjoyment out of watching hockey at all if I did not get it from watching my teams lose, so.

BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR, LOSERS.

My remaining playoffs hopes and dreams are very simple: that the Rangers absolutely crush the Senators (so I can bandwagon them because ughhhhh, Ryan Callahan); that the whole Flyers organization falls in a pit and dies; and that a sinkhole opens up and swallows the entire western conference (with the possible exception of the Kings, because can you imagine how PISSED D.Sutt is going to be if they lose? #teamcowtattoo), which has definitely been the worst conference since approximately 1995 and this just proves it.

Personally, I'm really looking forward to missing a western conference final won 1-0.

I'm also super looking forward to missing a WHC in which Duncan Keith and Dion Phaneuf are defensive partners because lolololol.

ON AN UNRELATED TOPIC: I'm moving in less than a week, and leaving the country in a week and a half. I've now sorted out all my housing problems, and I realised that between now and the end of July, I'm going to be living in six different apartments in four different countries. That's normal, right? THIS SUMMER IS GONNA BE GREAT. Good thing I'll spend at least part of it writing my paean to Ontario, because I'm going to be so homesick. (I'm secretly the world's biggest homebody. Remove my ability to talk to complete strangers about the weather for no reason and you have ruined my life.)

Finally, here are some ( questions from sinsense. )

Comment if you would like me to ask you some questions in return! I make no promises as to quality.

For some reason I stayed up really late last night after watching the Kings embarrass the Canucks (IT WAS GREAT), which was maybe not the best idea I've ever had since I'm awake again after less than six hours of sleep and am supposed to be going for brunch and then spending the day grading terrible exams, and later I'm supposed to go to a '90s party because my friends are douchebags who think that's a thing that actually needs to be relived when we all know it was a terrible time. Maybe I'll just go back to bed (she says like she's not still in bed anyway).

So my apartment hunt is over, and I'm moving to a place in East York that has the dual bonuses of being a. cheap and b. gorgeous, but also in EAST YORK, which is barely even Toronto anymore. (Spoiler alert: yes it is.) Somehow, I'm far more concerned about the isolation of living there than I am about the isolation of being in Italy for four weeks with shitty internet, or in France for two, or the US for a month, because I have fucked up ideas about what constitutes "far away". But it will be fine, even though it means I have to pack up my entire apartment and move in the next two weeks, basically, and then almost immediately leave for Europe. And even though it means I will be paying rent for three different apartments for the month of May (two in Toronto because I can't get out of my current lease until June, and one in Rome). Good thing I'm a spoiled shit and my parents will front me the money! #adulthood

Anyway, now that it's the postseason, I've been doing two things:

1. Obsessively watching all the playoff hockey that I can possibly stuff into my eyeballs, because I'm going to miss at least part of the second round and the conference finals and the finals finals on account of being across the pond with either shitty or no internet access, and on a schedule that is in no way conducive to staying up all night to catch a hockey game anyway. Mostly I don't care who wins (although I want the Hawks to WIN EVERYTHING but they won't), but I have very strong opinions about who should lose (FUCK THE CANUCKS, FLYERS, WINGS, BRUINS, SENS, DEVILS, COYOTES, PREDS, AND BLUES and if you cheer for any of these teams you are basically dead to me for the duration of the playoffs jk except seriously about the Canucks), so basically it's an exercise in exhausting rage. It's a lifestyle choice, okay.

2. Daydreaming about what the Leafs can do to stop sucking next year. Short of having the entire team die in a fiery plane crash, I have come to this conclusion: they need to fucking fire Brian Burke and hire a real GM. Then the new GM needs to fire Randy Carlyle and hire Brent Sutter in his stead (lol like he would ever come east), dump all the bloated contracts clogging up the roster, and sign a real fucking goaltender. Then Sutter can scream at Dion Phaneuf some more until he either ragequits hockey (best option) or finally fucking learns how to play defence and maybe also not be a total asshole (never going to happen). Then they might start looking like an actual team with actual leadership? MAYBE???

(This reminds me: I'm extra sad that I probably won't get to see much of the Worlds now that Sutter's been made Canada's head coach, first because I fucking LOVE HIM, but also because I cannot wait to hear about the epic screaming matches he is almost certain to get into with Phaneuf.) (For anyone not playing along at home, Phaneuf basically got dumped by the Flames in 2010 because Sutter couldn't fucking stand him. Which is, I think, a pretty reasonable position to take. FUCK DION PHANEUF. <- every Leafs fan's opinion.)

I guess I'll get out of bed now.