My Discovery, My Recovery

I tumbled head first into a relationship back in December. And let me tell you, it's been no singing birds, and walking on clouds.

But shouldn't a relationship be some of that? Maybe not because that's what makes the desire to be in an intimate relationship pleasurable. The hard stuff is what will make or break a relationship. And there has been a lot of hard stuff.

I resented being pushed away when my significant other was going through a life stage. I was pretty certain that when going through a life stage, I was supposed to be present in some manner. And yet: I was pushed away for two weeks.

When my significant other resurfaced, things did not continue as they had been. Nor did they take a new spin. In fact, after a week, our relationship fell into a chasm. And I'm not quite sure we're out of it just yet.

And the worse part about this chasm: I'm not even sure we're together. Which then leads to the reasonable assumption (soley on my part) that I'm not even in a relationship. Now don't go to the part where I must be seeing other people. I'm in recovery for a reason: I stay on ships where rats have fled.

So I floated along, adrift in a one person relationship. To complicate the matter, due to the fact that I'm in a same sex relationship: there are less people in my life to which I can converse about the complications related to this relationship. Believe me when I say I didn't intend to set myself up for failure, but apparently I did just that.

In May, we had the kindling of life again in our relationship. There were a few good moments. We made each other smile again. That chasm seemed to have a plateau. Our story was going to be one for the ages. We were planning outings again.

And then last week, something happened. The details of which I am currently not privledged to. But it resulted in cancelation of our plans for the weekend. Part of me is really upset that I had to be the one to ask about what was going on that evening and I got a hurried reply that it was canceled. I assumed the worse and was as supportive as I could be for 48 hours.

I imagined worse case senarios. Family member or even her in the ICU of a hospital. And there I was this demanding little soul left on a bouy by myself adrift in our relationship chasm once again.

There were two things I sent out. Both were as even headed as I possibly could be. One basically said I was supportive and that I just really needed to hear that she was all right. I made it clear "I can deal with not knowing what is going on. I cannot deal with not hearing from you."

I had made myself promise until last night that was the last of our communication. I had been pining for two days. Part of it was I wanted to break up in person, but that wasn't going to happen. I don't like being left alone like this. Not having clear expectations of when I was going to be replied to was my issue at hand.

So last night, I started an apology. I hadn't meant to cut her off. I reasoned that she must be okay, I hadn't seen any news stories involving something that might have been her car. But I again pointed out to ambiguous limbo. That I could not support what I didn't know.

And then just an hour ago, reconnection. Admittedly, I was unfair as I was harsh with my hurt. That wasn't too fair. I had started out trying to be objective. But when the door opened up I couldn't hold my emotions back.

So the question is: do I still feel like I'm her girlfriend? Sadly, no. I have not been given due respect. While I admit the boundaries of which are still vague, there shouldn't be that emptiness. There shouldn't be ambiguity.

Ambiguity = emotional abuse. I have been told that it wasn't intentional, but still, I can't be what I need to be if I am not allowed to know information.

Will I go back with arms wide open? I don't know if I can. But I will listen with an open heart because that's what I have left. It will be guarded. but nothing more.

I can't control everything.

That's the bottom line of this lesson.

I can't control everything.

The inception of that fact is just as I've gotten comfortable with not having a relationship ever, I'm thrown for a curve ball: I ended up in a relationship over two months ago. And as of 9 days ago, the relationship is in limbo.

I have my suspicions why the relationship is in limbo/ending. And I want to concentrate on the idea that has ended. Partially because I can't control everything.

It's just a truth. There are two people in a relationship. Right now, I'm hurt, angry, and lonely. I can worry for the other person, but only to the extent that I've been informed and allowed to worry. And it's been 9 days. The information I've had since that 9 days may have changed. And that scares me. Things could be better, things could be worse. But I don't get to know.

And I can't control everything.

That's what makes me believe that this relationship is over. Certainly there are parts of me that are unrecovered. My insecurities want me to have my relationship back. My hopes and dreams that I created with the idea that this relationship, as tenuous as it was, was the tiny seed that would grow into a unique rose that could weather the changes and become a lovely image of beauty for everyone to see.

But I can't control everything. I may have planted a seed, but it was not watered or nurtured by the other person for reasons I couldn't control.

I can't say honestly that the other person wasn't interested. From what I believed and saw, when I chose to believe and see them then (compared to reflectively looking back right now) I thought it was. And I was working hard on my end to be as nurturing.

Nurturing is not in my nature, I was working harder than ever on my end because I believed that the relationship was the right challenge, the right motivation, the right direction that my life needed to take. Having been working at my recovery for 5 years, it seemed a fitting moment that I could open to someone else and begin a new journey, not forgetting the old.

But I can't control everything.

So what if it is over?

All the signs are there. I was asked to leave the other person alone. I have not been in contact. Certainly, I want to ignore the boundary. Throw my arms to the world and declare love. But that only works if love is wanted.

I can't control everything.

For a few days, while emotions spun in so many directions because I couldn't remember my own clarity until this evening, I was angry, hurt, lonely, rejected, and all the other emotions that I had not imagined I would ever see all at once. And the hardest part, the person who I had come to trust was denying me clarity that I sought from them. So I had to find what little clarity for myself that I could.

So here it goes.

My relationship with this person is over. I expect to never hear from this person again. I should delete the phone number from my phone. I should delete references in my life to this person.

I will not forget the fond memories we shared. I will not forget the words of encouragement, or the laughter we shared. I will not forget what it felt like to feel love for someone else that the world should have fallen to the wayside.

I am also encouraged by this occurance. That I am not destined to walk alone with just my higher power. I may get a chance to be side by side with someone. And that person will walk into my life much like this relationship happened.

I could not control everything.

The relationship started. And I was eager. The relationship has ended and I am forlorn. But I cannot control everything.

I will control the only thing I know how, and as much as it pains me to: I have to let this go.

I think I've only refused a call once. And it was my mother while I was teaching.

After last night's mid-summer meeting over solar panels, Taylor let it be known to the administration that she might be in hot water (again) over her interaction with a student. To her credit it was not as dire as it was last time. And then she officially told myself and another co-worker to whom she's closer to.

And as we were walking out as a group: Taylor got a call from a student to whom she nearly got fired for having a connection with. KNowing full well she wasn't in the mood to deal with the student, she refused the call.

The former student (who by the way just graduated high school), had no knowledge that Taylor had a rotten day at work.

So this came to my mind as she cut the call off. How many times has she done that to me? How many times has she seen my name and ignored it? Because every time I see her name on something I focus my entire attention. Maybe because I get information from her confused. Being stuck in a awkward social situations with her where she then tells me tidbits I shouldn't probably hear from her.

How do I pose these boundaries with her? Clearly I just need to "do it" instead of wondering how to. As I continue to ponder the best way to frame boundaries so she can still let me have this window of hope that I can be her girlfriend. I want the recognition from her. I want that emotional growth I don't seem to let anyone else have or understand from me.

And I also need to change my expectations of "everyone" while I'm at it. My world is set up right now that I am willing to expect a reply email within 48 hours, a text within 1 minute to 3 hours, and a call back within an hour. Maybe my jokes aren't reaching that person. Maybe they're having a really rough time and I am not wanted to help be emotional support. I have to recognize that they need to come to me and ask me and I cannot just give my support because it's emotionally taxing.

I'm working on this. And I'll let you know what I finally decide on how to structure my boundaries and doing so willingly to close the door on the window of unrequited hope.

I don't get birthdays.

I understand in the big picture maybe that first year because you sweated and needed to get through. And even the second year.

But now, it's a technical milestone for me, 5 years later into my recovery.

So let's look at what I'm doing right.

• I recognize the balance between the pervasive need of praise and the fact that I do need to accept praise because I am worthy of it.
  
  
• I recognize my needs for love and communication. I am much better at two way communication.
  
  
• My natural empathy has been able to keep me as a kingpin at work where my co-workers do respect my opinions and directives.
  
  
• My ways of dealing with disappointment is getting better, though I have not used my resources effectively.
  
  
• I am more open now with my recovery and my addictions. I get more understanding but less redirection. I feel more in control over myself.
  

Having said those two things, there are many things that tarnish this 'birthday'.

The first is the repeated slippage I have had over the past 5 years to seek acknowledgement from people who do not wish to acknowledge me. I look specifically to Taylor. I still want her love and she is incapable of giving it to me. And I've stalled my life hoping she'll look my way.

That is probably the unhealthiest aspect of my life: the unhealthy transfixation on one person. So what can I do to redirect myself?

I've tried avoidance, I've tried to completely cut her out of my life, and I've tried to friend her. But even I have limits to this relationship, perhaps far more than she has given me.

So in this self-reflection, what will I do in the future?

Truthfully, I don't actually know. And while I'm sure my sponsor would be horrified, I think that my own development as a person, as the character I share with the rest of the world, is stable. It's not perfect and it doesn't have to be. I am going to observe and participate in my own life. It is not enough to follow my gut instincts but to be cautious.

I've thought about closing this journal. But from time to time, like today, I need some other outlet for my ability to make "sense of it all". I'm probably never going to be truely recovered unlike people who really work the steps. And if I really wanted that, I would be more adherant to the guidelines put forth by recovery. Part of this problem is that the people I've wronged in the past: they don't want to hear my apology and I can't force them. I'm not going to. My actions speak as loud as my own voice. And I've garnered their respect and acceptance of me. They are all too aware of my shortcomings and are willing to call me on it.

Waiting for someone else, and spending a life in guilt is not how I wish to live the remainder of my days. My time will come.

It's a hard place to decide 'where do I stand' in relationship to people that I have a relationship with.

We could just use the same method that I teach my students. That I come first in the direct center. My family being the most intimate with me and that I get the fullest concept of trust and safety from them.

But what about my fraternity brothers, at least my closest brothers anyway? By definition they are 'family'. They know me initimately and some times even more than my own parents. But that's only natural because I'm an adult now.

And then what about the friends I wish more from?

It's not polite to just blatently ask them, "Where do we stand?" Sadly, that is a question for intimate relationships. Most of my relationships (all) are not of this nature.

But what can I do? Most of the time I'm ignored and then when I'm replied by email to an email of low importance suddenly within minutes, have I moved up in that person's importance? Do I over react to every moment? (yes).

But it leaves me wondering in this unknown haze.

But the fact of the matter is, even with good questions and a good communication set: your life is closer to 75% unknown than we'd like to believe. And we have to get through it. Sometimes we just can't know the answer either for our own protection or because we never knew enough to recognize it in the first place.

And that's where I stand: I need to be the center and for all the things I know and can control, I know those answers. And for the things I don't know or can't control, I have to let it go because if I didn't know how that worked, then I'd be stuck all night wondering if someone actually really wanted a bigger relationship with me and that's just not okay anymore.

If I summoned more courage, I would be able to ask her what's going on with her. She seemed to be snubbing me the last week we worked together. I couldn't even tell you why she was other than to possibly send me a clear message about our boundaries as friends.

But this is the problem with courage, it can be momentarily fleeting. What I ask, and how I ask are very important.

I'm reminded right now of the song by All Saints "Never Ever"

A few questions that I need to know
How you could ever hurt me so
I need to know, what I've done wrong
And how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
But I'll know never to make the same mistake again

You can tell me to my face,
Or even on the phone,
You can write it in a letter,
Either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way I'm going out of my mind
All the answers to my questions, I have to find

My head's spinnin'
Boy I'm in a daze
I feel isolated
Don't wanna communicate
I'll take a shower,
I will scour, I will run
Find peace of mind, the happy mind
I once owned, yeah!

Flexin' vocabulary runs through me
The alphabet runs right from A to Zee
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscious asking questions that I can't find
I'm not crazy
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong, no
I'm just waiting
Cos' I heard that this feelin' won't last that long

I'll keep searchin' deep within my soul
For all the answers
Don't wanna hurt no more
I need peace, gotta feel at ease
Need to be
Free from pain, going insane
My heart aches, yeah
Sometimes vocabulary runs right through my head
The alphabet runs right from A to Zed
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscious asking questions that I can't find
I'm not crazy
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong,
Now I'm just waiting
Cos' I heard that this feelin' won't last that long

The song should be the anthem for always checking in to find out what went wrong. Of course there are legitimate times when one shouldn't ask what went wrong. But now is the moment. I can ask her. But I'm not allowing myself to use my courage. Mainly because I don't want to give her more reason to shut me out. Irrational fear perhaps.

On an abuse scale, this is clearly not a relationship worth saving. I'm not wanted, I'm not needed, so I need to understand that this boundary, even for reasons I may not understand needs to be respected. That's what boundaries are for. Even if they are seemingly abusive.

Do I learn from being abused? Theoretically: yes. But there is also a pull for the abuser because it's attention. Bad attention, but it is attention.

At work, it's one non-stop, non-fun rollercoaster.

This morning I come in, I was just hit with an idea for my kids on the trip. I announce the idea to my head teacher and then she tells me that, (paraphrasing here) I need to stay behind from the upcoming graduation field trip because she wants me to wrangle the kids who remain. I could go, but it would be recognized as an act of defiance and I was not going as a member from my department.

I was stunned. I still want to cry over this.

Two points that helped clarify this issue:
1) I assumed I was going to get to go. And I was putting energy in going. Clearly this is not the case, but there is something else I'll bring up later. This is my fault there.
2) We also learned as of yesterday, that we had anticipated 4 students with 1 to 1 support. This is no longer true. We are only expecting 2.

So then the question becomes, how do I advocate for myself in a professional manner?

I think my arguement right now sounds like this:

I still want to go on the trip. To be honest, it's not like I have any relationship with the remaining students. They are still not going to listen to me any better than listening to any other campus adult. Unforseen circumstances will not change their view of me on campus.

Two years ago, I could have gone on the 9th grade trip. I asked my "boys" then who they wanted to take on that trip. They elected to take the men. I agreed and let them go. I stayed behind. While the men had a fun time with the boys, the boys also were partially broken when they realized I wasn't going. This is some of the last memories they would have had with me. I don't want to lose that opportunity to have those moments with these kids. I won't likely get to go again for perhaps another 2 years.

Earlier today I was really mad. I was hurt that I was asked not to go. I wanted to go home sick. I even thought about not going into work tomorrow.

I am glad I had some time to sort through that emotional response. I almost want to poll the other boys in my group and see if they would like to know I'm out there at the park for them just to validate my going.

I dispise whole heartedly people who point out my co-dependant issues and how I make consious or unconcious decisions to involve myself in clearly abusive situations.

One of the issues I fight against the most really is that there are things expected of me being someone's daughter, being someone's co-worker, being someone's something. And yes, I do wear all these hats and I do keep most of the balls in the air. I don't always remember what I'm doing or what I have in the air, but I'm doing something.

The problem is in co-dependancy, abuse is multi-faceted. I'm not being out right mistreated. Right now I do have a living situation which is not 100% ideal, but I'm also not suffering entirely. I'm fed, I have a roof over my head and I have clothes that for the most part fit and are in good repair. Certainly one should leave based on the emotional taxation. But regardless of me being or not being in this physical equation of being here where I am: I am here. I have a responsibilities to not only the life I eventually want for myself, but the life I am currently a part of.

And sadly, some of this is abusive. I have boundaries, and no they are not necessarily respected.

So what can I do about it?

I can not have a relationship with these people. It will be a wonderful "me verses them" situation. And then, something happens that is rather tragic and you have to run to the other end of the spectrum.

If you're lucky: you don't have any guilt. You can go in, fix whatever and get out.

But little things creep in. Something needs your attention. You can ignore it because you haven't actually been asked. Or you could fix it before it becomes a bigger problem. And then the abuse creeps back in.

There is a balance in here. It's not a magic act. It takes time.

If I make a reasonable effort on my part to inform people of certain events (IE: put it on the calendar, put post it notes on their desk, email, call within a week of said event) it is NOT my fault if you don't understand that the day was 3 days ago, 3 weeks ago, or 3 years ago.

I'm not quite up to fame. I won't ever be and I'm okay with that.

But every now and then, like now, I realize: I'm not okay with being mediocre. I get horribly obessed by that fact and find myself stuck dealing with emotional baggage that I thought I had put aside, not to be forgotten, but definately in the "dealt with pile".

I find in these times, my OCD is really out of whack. I sit looking and refreshing my email inbox when I know I could be doing something else. Playing a video game for example, updating my blogs, finding a way to make someone else's life happier.

And then I remember: I have great friends. They need me. They need me to help manage whatever tasks they've undertaken. I realize this is another means to my distracting myself from the loneliness, but at least then I'm not stewing over parts of myself that aren't within my control.

So what can I do when I'm lonely? Well, I can fill my time with things that do make me happy: a little video gaming as long as I don't get frustrated by the level of game I'm at. I could tinker with a new story, I haven't written in a long time. I've actually sat on a couple of ideas, perhaps they'll take me somewhere new and fun.

I have many other ways to combat the loneliness, the emotional blockade I want to put up when I'm feeling depressed and trying to battle against it so I can be useful to my co-workers, my friends and my family.

While parts of that last statement probably aren't very healthy in terms of combating my co-dependancy, I need to acknowledge this one real need--I need to know my place in the world. Being with my friends, family and co-workers reinforces this placement. I like being able to make them laugh. I like knowing when I look over, there is going to be a sense of input that we're working through whatever situation possible.

Even in recovery: not everything is ever going to be perfect. I don't have the answers. I don't need them. But I want to feel connected. I'll have it. Just not as instantaneously as I wish it.

I want to enjoy the good memories. Like last Friday, someone came up for 3 minutes had a connection with me. That was a good moment. I know we could have more of those. I also have to learn to respect those boundaries that I am limited within by both friends and family.

Often times it feels like I get up and I have to figure all of those boundaries all over again. But that's okay. Every day is a new day.

Okay time for me to stop talking in sound bites and just live my life.