failing to ask for clarity
If I summoned more courage, I would be able to ask her what's going on with her. She seemed to be snubbing me the last week we worked together. I couldn't even tell you why she was other than to possibly send me a clear message about our boundaries as friends.
But this is the problem with courage, it can be momentarily fleeting. What I ask, and how I ask are very important.
I'm reminded right now of the song by All Saints "Never Ever"
The song should be the anthem for always checking in to find out what went wrong. Of course there are legitimate times when one shouldn't ask what went wrong. But now is the moment. I can ask her. But I'm not allowing myself to use my courage. Mainly because I don't want to give her more reason to shut me out. Irrational fear perhaps.
On an abuse scale, this is clearly not a relationship worth saving. I'm not wanted, I'm not needed, so I need to understand that this boundary, even for reasons I may not understand needs to be respected. That's what boundaries are for. Even if they are seemingly abusive.
Do I learn from being abused? Theoretically: yes. But there is also a pull for the abuser because it's attention. Bad attention, but it is attention.
But this is the problem with courage, it can be momentarily fleeting. What I ask, and how I ask are very important.
I'm reminded right now of the song by All Saints "Never Ever"
A few questions that I need to know
How you could ever hurt me so
I need to know, what I've done wrong
And how long it's been going on
Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
But I'll know never to make the same mistake again
You can tell me to my face,
Or even on the phone,
You can write it in a letter,
Either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way I'm going out of my mind
All the answers to my questions, I have to find
My head's spinnin'
Boy I'm in a daze
I feel isolated
Don't wanna communicate
I'll take a shower,
I will scour, I will run
Find peace of mind, the happy mind
I once owned, yeah!
Flexin' vocabulary runs through me
The alphabet runs right from A to Zee
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscious asking questions that I can't find
I'm not crazy
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong, no
I'm just waiting
Cos' I heard that this feelin' won't last that long
I'll keep searchin' deep within my soul
For all the answers
Don't wanna hurt no more
I need peace, gotta feel at ease
Need to be
Free from pain, going insane
My heart aches, yeah
Sometimes vocabulary runs right through my head
The alphabet runs right from A to Zed
Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscious asking questions that I can't find
I'm not crazy
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong,
Now I'm just waiting
Cos' I heard that this feelin' won't last that long
The song should be the anthem for always checking in to find out what went wrong. Of course there are legitimate times when one shouldn't ask what went wrong. But now is the moment. I can ask her. But I'm not allowing myself to use my courage. Mainly because I don't want to give her more reason to shut me out. Irrational fear perhaps.
On an abuse scale, this is clearly not a relationship worth saving. I'm not wanted, I'm not needed, so I need to understand that this boundary, even for reasons I may not understand needs to be respected. That's what boundaries are for. Even if they are seemingly abusive.
Do I learn from being abused? Theoretically: yes. But there is also a pull for the abuser because it's attention. Bad attention, but it is attention.