Is it Fair? Perhaps not, but we will discuss
I tumbled head first into a relationship back in December. And let me tell you, it's been no singing birds, and walking on clouds.
But shouldn't a relationship be some of that? Maybe not because that's what makes the desire to be in an intimate relationship pleasurable. The hard stuff is what will make or break a relationship. And there has been a lot of hard stuff.
I resented being pushed away when my significant other was going through a life stage. I was pretty certain that when going through a life stage, I was supposed to be present in some manner. And yet: I was pushed away for two weeks.
When my significant other resurfaced, things did not continue as they had been. Nor did they take a new spin. In fact, after a week, our relationship fell into a chasm. And I'm not quite sure we're out of it just yet.
And the worse part about this chasm: I'm not even sure we're together. Which then leads to the reasonable assumption (soley on my part) that I'm not even in a relationship. Now don't go to the part where I must be seeing other people. I'm in recovery for a reason: I stay on ships where rats have fled.
So I floated along, adrift in a one person relationship. To complicate the matter, due to the fact that I'm in a same sex relationship: there are less people in my life to which I can converse about the complications related to this relationship. Believe me when I say I didn't intend to set myself up for failure, but apparently I did just that.
In May, we had the kindling of life again in our relationship. There were a few good moments. We made each other smile again. That chasm seemed to have a plateau. Our story was going to be one for the ages. We were planning outings again.
And then last week, something happened. The details of which I am currently not privledged to. But it resulted in cancelation of our plans for the weekend. Part of me is really upset that I had to be the one to ask about what was going on that evening and I got a hurried reply that it was canceled. I assumed the worse and was as supportive as I could be for 48 hours.
I imagined worse case senarios. Family member or even her in the ICU of a hospital. And there I was this demanding little soul left on a bouy by myself adrift in our relationship chasm once again.
There were two things I sent out. Both were as even headed as I possibly could be. One basically said I was supportive and that I just really needed to hear that she was all right. I made it clear "I can deal with not knowing what is going on. I cannot deal with not hearing from you."
I had made myself promise until last night that was the last of our communication. I had been pining for two days. Part of it was I wanted to break up in person, but that wasn't going to happen. I don't like being left alone like this. Not having clear expectations of when I was going to be replied to was my issue at hand.
So last night, I started an apology. I hadn't meant to cut her off. I reasoned that she must be okay, I hadn't seen any news stories involving something that might have been her car. But I again pointed out to ambiguous limbo. That I could not support what I didn't know.
And then just an hour ago, reconnection. Admittedly, I was unfair as I was harsh with my hurt. That wasn't too fair. I had started out trying to be objective. But when the door opened up I couldn't hold my emotions back.
So the question is: do I still feel like I'm her girlfriend? Sadly, no. I have not been given due respect. While I admit the boundaries of which are still vague, there shouldn't be that emptiness. There shouldn't be ambiguity.
Ambiguity = emotional abuse. I have been told that it wasn't intentional, but still, I can't be what I need to be if I am not allowed to know information.
Will I go back with arms wide open? I don't know if I can. But I will listen with an open heart because that's what I have left. It will be guarded. but nothing more.
But shouldn't a relationship be some of that? Maybe not because that's what makes the desire to be in an intimate relationship pleasurable. The hard stuff is what will make or break a relationship. And there has been a lot of hard stuff.
I resented being pushed away when my significant other was going through a life stage. I was pretty certain that when going through a life stage, I was supposed to be present in some manner. And yet: I was pushed away for two weeks.
When my significant other resurfaced, things did not continue as they had been. Nor did they take a new spin. In fact, after a week, our relationship fell into a chasm. And I'm not quite sure we're out of it just yet.
And the worse part about this chasm: I'm not even sure we're together. Which then leads to the reasonable assumption (soley on my part) that I'm not even in a relationship. Now don't go to the part where I must be seeing other people. I'm in recovery for a reason: I stay on ships where rats have fled.
So I floated along, adrift in a one person relationship. To complicate the matter, due to the fact that I'm in a same sex relationship: there are less people in my life to which I can converse about the complications related to this relationship. Believe me when I say I didn't intend to set myself up for failure, but apparently I did just that.
In May, we had the kindling of life again in our relationship. There were a few good moments. We made each other smile again. That chasm seemed to have a plateau. Our story was going to be one for the ages. We were planning outings again.
And then last week, something happened. The details of which I am currently not privledged to. But it resulted in cancelation of our plans for the weekend. Part of me is really upset that I had to be the one to ask about what was going on that evening and I got a hurried reply that it was canceled. I assumed the worse and was as supportive as I could be for 48 hours.
I imagined worse case senarios. Family member or even her in the ICU of a hospital. And there I was this demanding little soul left on a bouy by myself adrift in our relationship chasm once again.
There were two things I sent out. Both were as even headed as I possibly could be. One basically said I was supportive and that I just really needed to hear that she was all right. I made it clear "I can deal with not knowing what is going on. I cannot deal with not hearing from you."
I had made myself promise until last night that was the last of our communication. I had been pining for two days. Part of it was I wanted to break up in person, but that wasn't going to happen. I don't like being left alone like this. Not having clear expectations of when I was going to be replied to was my issue at hand.
So last night, I started an apology. I hadn't meant to cut her off. I reasoned that she must be okay, I hadn't seen any news stories involving something that might have been her car. But I again pointed out to ambiguous limbo. That I could not support what I didn't know.
And then just an hour ago, reconnection. Admittedly, I was unfair as I was harsh with my hurt. That wasn't too fair. I had started out trying to be objective. But when the door opened up I couldn't hold my emotions back.
So the question is: do I still feel like I'm her girlfriend? Sadly, no. I have not been given due respect. While I admit the boundaries of which are still vague, there shouldn't be that emptiness. There shouldn't be ambiguity.
Ambiguity = emotional abuse. I have been told that it wasn't intentional, but still, I can't be what I need to be if I am not allowed to know information.
Will I go back with arms wide open? I don't know if I can. But I will listen with an open heart because that's what I have left. It will be guarded. but nothing more.