Where the Heart of Anti-Shurtugal Rises Again.

Chapter 6

“Discomfort was an important tool in her line of work.” So she took away his pillow. Which made her feel regret. That's totally what an action heroine would do. Kidnap a 'bad' dude, drug him, take his pillow away, and then feel sad because she took the pillow away.

“She didn't know how to do anything complicated, so she'd just smeared on dark shadow, thick mascara, and oxblood-red lipstick.” Which she just had in her purse or something or maybe her magic briefcase. But isn't she good? Isn't she pure? She doesn't know how to put on makeup. That makes her good and pure, right? “It was strange how a little coloured powder and grease could change an observer's perception of you.” I don't know, but I feel like I'm being scolded for wearing makeup. Personally, I think the first step to making a good, pure heroine we're supposed to look up to is: Don't have her shove a tube up a guy's penis after she drugged him.

“Finally, she turned on her computer and set up the protocols. It would go to screen saver after twenty minutes of inactivity.” We're supposed to know that, too, apparently.

“Daniel Beach had two sides, and so did she. She was her other self now, the one the department called the Chemist, and the Chemist was a machine. Pitiless and relentless. Her monster was free now. Hopefully his would come out to play.” Um..... This is not endearing. This is not likeable. This is not sexy. I do not admire her. I am not entertained by her. I don't even want to spend time with her. I should not hope she accomplishes her goals. Any of them. I think I should be cheering if she dies. Also, somebody, like an editor or something, I dunno, should have read this out loud to Meyer while both of them were sober.

He wakes up. She demands information. He says he doesn't have any. “Stop it,” she snapped loudly, and he sucked in a shocked breath.” NOT THE WORDS. She used the words. She snapped them. LOUDLY. I can't take it anymore. That is so shocking. Words... *whimper*

Ugh. Useless dipsticks.

Then... Fifty Shades of Sherlock gives him.... More Words..... She gives him ALL the words.

“I have to have this information. There is no other option. And if I have to, Daniel, I will hurt you until you tell me what I need to know. I will hurt you badly. I don't necessarily want to do this, but it doesn't bother me to do it, either. I'm telling you this so that you can decide now, before I begin. Tell me what I want to know, and I will free you. It's that simple. I promise I will not harm you. It will save me time and yourself a lot of suffering. I know you don't want to tell me, but please realize that you are going to tell me anyway. It may take a while, but eventually you won't be able to stop yourself. Everyone breaks. So make the easy choice now. You'll be sorry if you don't. Do you understand?”

And 40% of her victims start confessing after she says all this. Probably because they talk in their sleep.

As for torture to get intel, one particular time, the American government had a terrorist prisoner tortured for information. He spoke of an entire terrorist cell of black people. In Montana.

Torture =/= good intel. Meyer must be using a google search engine from the middle ages.

His response:

“'But. . . you're a doctor. You helped me.'.......... 'You were kind to me.'... She had to control a sigh.”

Our hero.

“...Are you going to tell me what I want to know?”

How about no, go @#$% yourself, you rotten, boring 'protagonist.'

He find out he's naked. “Nudity; whether black ops agents or just low-level terrorist gofers, they all hated it.” Spoiler alert: except for the one who didn't.

He insists that he doesn't know anything. She should be believing him. After all, doesn't he have the curls that project innocence? “She'd faced terror and pleading and, occasionally, stoic defiance. But never this strange, trusting, almost-challenge: You won't hurt me.” Of course not. He has the special hair.

“Um, is this some kind of fetish fantasy thing?” Daniel said it, too. I think he's on to something.

“I am in deadly earnest, I assure you. I want you to look at my tools.” Bwahaha. That's what she said. It's shit like this that keeps it too cheesy to be taken seriously even without the shit that sends people to jail.

Blah, blah, blah, more lame attempts at intimidation, but there's confusion on her part because: “Only Dark Daniel must already have known that. So why wasn't he surfacing?” Because you're an ignorant, arrogant, incompetent loser? “Did he think she could be fooled? Or that his charm on the train had melted her weak, womanly heart?” O_o Skip. Not touching that sentence.

Fifty Shades of Sherlock fondles her screen saver again.

And then she tortures him with super muscle cramps caused by lactic acid injections... “Back in her interrogating prime, when she had her beautiful lab and her beautiful budget, her sequencer and her reacter, she'd been able to create some truly unique and ultra-specific preparations [to cause the most amount of pain and confusion]. The Chemist really wasn't the proper code name for her at all. However, the Molecular Biologist was probably too big a mouthful.” How about Piece of Shit. That rolls off the tongue nicely. I can see where her priorities are. I'm sure the Emperor was impressed by how sparkly lightning is while he electrocuted people. Even Dr. Evil was a nicer person. And that's why I can't take this book as seriously as I should. Fifty Shades of Sherlock is what we get if we turned Dr. Evil into a boring woman, then set her loose without enough supervision. If boring sharks with fricken' laser beams attached to their heads showed up, I'd just smile and nod.

While Daniel is screaming in pain, she reminisces about almost creating an actual truth serum, how working with monoclonal antibodies is what got the department's attention, how she used to talk about torture waiting time strategies with her coworker that involved fairytales, and that “Just living was all she asked.”

I know Meyer is trying to be poetic and profound or something, but the entire first chapter is about her trying to get extra work because just food and rent isn't enough for her. That is an outright lie. On top of all her other flaws, Fifty Shades of Sherlock is a glutton.

“Crying was normal, and usually it boded well. But it was obvious [somebody take that word away from her, I'm sick of seeing it.] that this crying was Daniel the Teacher. There was still no sign of Dark Daniel, not one knowing glance or defensive tic. What would reach him? If this was truly dissociative identity disorder, could she force an appearance of the personality she wanted?” Of course, the possibility that she's a shit 'doctor' and a shit researcher never crosses her mind. Arrogant. Doing things to people against their will for their own good is okay, right?
I checked the thank you speech. She does have an editor. Who never tells her she's crazy. Even when she is. Very informative. I haven't come across any spelling errors. There's a bit of confusion with commas. But when there's paragraphs and chapters where the best editing option is “Select All” and “Delete”, they're left in. Very informative, indeed.

And why would you tell your victim to take some time and collect their thoughts? It should be, 'Now tell me everything you know.' But she's too busy touching her computer again.

“'I've heard that one a lot, too, [that I've got the wrong person]' she said lightly, but it touched a nerve. If she couldn't get the other Daniel to appear, then wasn't she truly torturing the wrong person?” Oh, so now you care.

Nope. She still really likes her drugs. They wear off quickly, for maximum coherent conversation between sessions. :D Isn't that awesome? Isn't she just an amazing super agent?

“And why am I getting rickets from eating a steady diet of ramen?” Hm. She is a shit 'doctor.' She never noticed that. Hm... Rickets sounds familiar, but doesn't quite sit well with me. Let's see.

“Rickets is the softening and weakening of bones in children, usually because of an extreme and prolonged vitamin D deficiency. Rare inherited problems also can cause rickets.” - Mayo Clinic.

Oopsy. The medieval google broke down that day.

“Osteomalacia is softening of the bones in adults. When it occurs among children the disorder is called rickets and usually is due to a deficiency of vitamin D....... Symptoms of osteomalacia are bone pain (especially in the hips), muscle weakness, numbness around the mouth, numbness in the arms and legs and spasm of the hands and feet. Untreated, bones may become so soft that they actually bend under the weight of the body. Clinical signs may be subtle in adults; the skeletal deformities may be overlooked until fractures occur after minimal trauma.” - Dr. Weil.

Well, that's hardly any better.

“Scurvy is a disease resulting from a lack of vitamin C (ascorbic acid).[1] Early symptoms of deficiency include weakness, feeling tired and sore arms and legs.[1][2] Without treatment, decreased red blood cells, gum disease, changes to hair, and bleeding from the skin may occur.[1][3] As scurvy worsens there can be poor wound healing, personality changes, and finally death from infection or bleeding.[2]

It takes at least a month of little to no vitamin C in the diet before symptoms occur.[1][2] In modern times, scurvy occurs most commonly in people with mental disorders, unusual eating habits, alcoholism, and older people who live alone.” - Wikipedia

There we go.

“Scurvy: A disease almost forgotten

Jesse M. Olmedo, James A. Yiannias, Elizabeth B. Windgassen, Michael K. Gornet”

Bwuahaha.....

Maybe the puppy should stop wearing his jacket in June.

“He tried to strain away from her, but that just better exposed his sternocleidomastoid.” And yet there's apparently no better word out there than 'obvious.' That one pops up 1 – 3 times a chapter.

And then she tortures him to make him stop talking because she's starting to have doubts about his guilt because he doesn't act like a terrorist. How sweet. Let us now stab the book with a rusty fork.