Megan: Next at work I'm relaunching the site nippleparty.com.
Me: Why is nipple such a hilarious word?
Megan: Especially when it's followed by party! Nipple parrrrtay!
Garth: I want chlorophyll, so I can walk around without a shirt and when people ask me if I'm cold, I can tell them, "Yes, but I'm also hungry." And then I can say, "Time for dessert," and take off my pants.
Jess G, reading a handout from Garth's paramedic workshop: I'm sorry. I know what this word means, but it still cracks me up.
Me: What word?
Jess G: Three-way stopcock.
The scene: I'm watching the Daily Show, Garth is taking a shower. I hear excited hollering from the bathroom.
Me, poking my head in the door: Are you shouting at me from the shower again?
Garth: If you eat licorice in the shower, you SPIT PINK!
Me: Augh. *leaves, slamming the door behind me*
Bonsai: If you're having trouble getting rid of the (homemade) pizza, you know who to call. I'm like the Ghostbusters of food.
Jess: (reading from Cosmo) "The Mommy Test: Are you ready to have a bun in the oven? ... Women who baby their man or counsel friends in distress are crying out for motherhood."
Garth: "Oh god. I ... baby my women. And I counsel friends in distress!"
Jess: "Do you need a bun in your oven?"
Garth: "I don't know, honey. Are we ready to take that step?!"
SCENE: G and J are taking the dog and walking to the store. As they step outside, a light rain is falling.
G: "Eh, it's raining."
J: (shouting) "It's just a little rain. Don't be a pussy!"
G: "... did you just shout that in front of the whole neighborhood?"
J: "..."
J: "You're a bad influence."
Bonsai: Now remember Gwen, when you're deciding whose throat to maul in the middle of the night, just think: who cooks for you?
Me: That's right. I know Garth is your daddy and you love him, but--
Bonsai: --But he's a man, so he's hopeless in the kitchen.
Gwen: *is enthusiastic*
Bonsai: That's not fair. He's a better cook than I am.
